everlong

rancid

The sharp ding! that sounded once we arrived to the lobby floor inturrepted
my pondering. We all filed out, and out of the doors of the hotel.

We rented a van for us all to ride in. It wasn't a lucrative black SUV, it was a beaten up white van. It looked shady and sinister, but it could fit us all.

"I'll drive!" Krist said loudly. We could all hear how drunk he was. "Hey bud, I've got it." Dave said, glancing at us uneasily. "Ah, ok man." He said, patting Dave on the back sloppily.

I slid beside Shelli as everyone got into the van. "Is he ok?" I whispered with concern. She had so much pain in her eyes. "He's been drinking so much." She answered. I frowned.

She slid beside Krist, taking his hand and bringing it to her plump lips.

I climbed into the very back, in between Courtney and Kurt. Frances was in a carseat in front of us. As we drove, he was constantly reach over to play with Frances. It was adorable.

We parked in a gated area of the stadium Nirvana was playing tonight. The instruments were already inside. Everyone flowed out of the car quickly. Kurt protectively scooped Frances up, resting her on his hip.

We said short hello's to the road crew, before becoming scattered around different areas backstage. The other 2 couples went their own ways, while Kurt Courtney and I crowded together onto one sofa, Frances perched on Kurts frail legs.

I absentmindedly picked at my cuticles, unsure of what to say or do. Trying to talk to Kurt and Courtney felt like a task, a predicament I haven't ever been in with them before.

We usually talk, joke, in general, we just socialize, but we don't have anything to say, anything to do. We were tip -toeing around each other.

"Were on in 10." Dave said, coming out from a hallway across from us. "Alright." Kurt said, sounding less than enthusiastic.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom. I'll be out in time." I said, needing an escape from the tense social situation i was in. "Ok. See ya." Courtney said, propping her legs up on the coffee table. I rounded the corner, and continued down the slim hallway.

I sighed, looking in the mirror. My reflection resembled complete exhaustion. My eyes looked heavy, bags dragging them down. My eyes were bloodshot, and I remained thin as a rod. In my eyes, I was repulsive.

I'm spiraling back into the same hole I found myself in after losing Dave, and the baby. Being a member of society felt like a burden that was unfortunately casted upon me.

"Jules? Are you alright?" Krist asked from outside the door, knocking on it. It sounded like he had sobered up somewhat. "Yeah, I'm coming." I said flatly, opening the door.

"We're going on, kiddo." He said, giving me what he saw as a normal hug, but felt like a bear hug on my thin frame. "Bye krist." I smiled softly, waving as he ran towards Dave and Kurt.

I scooped let Frances stumble around, bent down beside her in case she needed help. I heard the ear splitting roar of 50,000 eager fans, awaiting their "god", but the man I saw as my closest ally. Kurt Cobain.

I smirked to myself.

Courtney, Frances, and me, didn't really do anything much while the guys played their show. I talked to her a little bit while playing with her daughter, all at once.

"Do you wanna go watch the band? We've got these for Frances." She suggested, holding up a bulky pair of heavy duty headphones, with thick, yellow muffs on the sides.

"Yeah, let's do that." I answered with a smile. "Do you wanna go see daddy at work?" Courtney asked her daughter with a sing-song voice. She babbled with excitement, waving her hands.

I giggled as Courtney put the headphones on her tiny ears. She then scooped her up, making her way up the short pair of steps that led to the side of the stage. Some road crew stood there, bobbing their heads to Nirvana's loud, catchy music.

There was a gleam of sadness in Courtneys transfixing forest green eyes as she looked at her now ex husband do what he does best.

"Who's room will this party be in?" I shouted over the loud music, trying to lighten the mood for her. She shrugged. "Ours, I guess? It'll be fun!" She grinned. "I don't think I'll be going, court. Someone's gotta make sure Frances is alright."

I put on a false front, portraying sadness over not being able to attend the party. But truthfully, I didn't want to be at a party, in a small hotel room swarming with people. I would rather look after Kurt and Courtneys child in a quiet, peaceful hotel room.

Courtney frowned, pouting her plump, cherry red lips. "Shit, I'm sorry." She said sadly, shaking her blonde head. "No, its alright. New year's isn't a big deal anyways."

Before she was able to speak, an unexpected voice came on the speakers. "Hi guys, I'm Dave, the drummer." His gentle, shy voice said softly, quickly being cut off by the thunderous crowd.

Intrigued, I kept listening.

"I'm dating a really sweet girl, named Rosie." He said, looking in our direction. My heart lurched out of my chest as he looked my way.

But I wasn't his girl.

I turned my head to see Rosie, looking smitten. "Rosie, will you come out here?" He asked. She pushed through us, and towards Dave.

I winced as Kurt and Krist looked towards me, looks of pity spread on their faces.

"I love this woman, alot. And I think I wanna spend my fucking life with her." He said, starting to bend down on one knee. My eyes grew large with fear. I started to feel physically ill.

So ill, in fact, that the remains of my last meal ended up on Courtneys Mary Janes.