Jimin: Thinking of You -Part 1 (A)

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I long wondered how I had gotten to this point. At one point in time, I thought I was the happiest person in the world and that life couldn't become any more perfect; that I had found my own personal fairytale and that the rest of life would follow suit. But one domino after another, my story darkened. The pages of my storybook lost their color and sparkle and grew more and more gloomy till they turned to an oppressive black. That's where I lived now, in a world filled in black and white, my color had long gone.

I stared down at the water rushing below me, the waves crashed violently against the poles of the bridge, lightening flashed across the sky, briefly illuminating the deteriorated site I stood upon. How did my life end up here, when did I fall off that tower of happiness I had built?

Two years ago, I was the happiest a person could be, I had the perfect job, great friends, and had found the love of my life, Park Jimin. We met under the awning of a building where I had run under to find shelter from a surprise torrential downpour, and he stepped out the shop and it was love at first sight. From there we went on multiple romantic dates and fell more deeply in love, our first meeting and love story seemed to be ripped right out of a movie. He proposed 8 months into our relationship and I was in the midst of planning our wedding when it happened.

Jimin's brother was the black sheep of his family, he dropped out of high school, and ended up joining a gang. No one in the family rarely if ever spoke of him or to him, except Jimin, who loved his older brother to a fault. Jisung always made me feel uncomfortable, he would stare at me intensely. My skin itched around him, my whole being screamed whenever I was in his presence my instinct told me to stay away, that he was dangerous, but I stayed quiet for Jimin's sake.

I had decided to surprise Jimin one day by making dinner for him, we both had the passcode to each other's apartments, so I let myself in, not knowing Jisung was staying over. I froze when I realized he was lounging on the sofa. It was awkward, and I wanted to do nothing more than to run far far away. But in a decision I've regretted time and time again, I stayed. As I was cooking I had forgotten a few ingredients and left for the supermarket. It had gotten dark quickly since I had arrived after work, and it also had began to rain as I was making my way back to Jimin's place.

Suffice to say I never made it back.

I was attacked on my way back, and violated in the worst way possible. I recognized the voice of my attacker, and it shocked me to my core that it was Jisung.

My relationship with Jimin was never the same after that. Traumatized and scared, I told Jimin the identity of my attacker days later at the hospital. That it was Jisung and a gang member of his, Jimin had recoiled back and in a move that not only broke my heart but shattered my soul, he refused to believe me. He believed his brother's tale that I was just trying to distance Jimin from him because I thought lowly of his ex-con brother.

My happy and joyous life was over, and my relationship with Jimin was over. I went into a deep depression unable to get over the trauma of my attack, and Jimin's decision to trust his criminal brother over me.

Any little thing would make me jump, the smallest things would give me panic attacks, I soon lost my job, and my apartment quickly followed, I had also distanced myself away from most of my friends. Jimin's family had "adopted" me into theirs when they learned that I was an orphan, and I lost them too when Jimin and I broke up. Shinhye, my childhood friend had taken me in after my first suicide attempt and tried her best to nurse me back to some resemblance of my prior self with little luck. It was because of her though that I went to therapy, and she found me a job that allowed me to work from home, but something inside me had broken beyond repair.

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I had never told anyone, but I was pregnant when I was attacked, I was planning on telling Jimin that night I was cooking him dinner. I ended up losing the baby, and was so traumatized physically from the attack, it was possible that I'd never be able to get pregnant again. I knew I'd never become the person I once was.

Almost a year after the attack, Shinhye had managed to talk me into a day of shopping, and for once I had agreed, I could see the stress of caring for me getting to her, and I knew retail therapy was just the thing to make her feel better.

I'll never forget that day, it was spring, and the sun was shining in the bright blue cloudless sky. It was warm out with a nice breeze that made the green leaves sway on the trees. We were shopping on a popular street with many shops when I saw him.

Jimin looked just as handsome as the day I first laid eyes upon him. He was laughing at something and turned to grab someone's hand. My heart stopped beating when I saw him grab a woman's hand and wrap his arms around her as they perused the flower bouquets.

I was so lost in my depression that I never fully mourned the dissolution of our breakup, a part of me always wishing and believing that Jimin would come back to me and make things right. That belief had shattered on that spot, Jimin had moved on with someone else, and I had become just a forgotten ex.

Shinhye had quickly whisked me away back home, but the damage had been done, seeing Jimin brought back all the nightmares that were just starting to subside, the anxiety and panic attacks had come back in full force, and in a moment of weakness I had started to harm myself. My attempt failed, as Shinhye's older brother, a doctor, had come over to visit to check up on me.

Months after that, I appeared better, Shinhye refused to let me move out of her apartment, she found her own love, and I couldn't be happier for her, but it was time for me to go and let her move on with her life. I couldn't be a burden to her for any longer.

Shinhye was off on her honeymoon, and I felt a sense of peace. I had come to a decision a few months ago and had committed to a plan that had lifted a great pressure off my chest. I finally felt like I could breathe again. Shinhye had a very short engagement, and I had thrown myself into planning her wedding alongside her. Now that she was off on her honeymoon, I could finally execute the final part of my plan.

I left a letter on the coffee table of her apartment, and had boxed all my items and donated them, I would no longer be needing them. I cleaned her apartment that she was planning on leaving to me thoroughly, and the only traces of me left were all in that letter.

I kicked the pebble under my foot, before hoisting myself onto the railing of the bridge. No one would be here this late at night, especially in this weather. The bridge was scheduled for demolition, and a new one had opened miles away. I dangled my feet over the edge and rested my head against the huge pole, there was a small overhang that protected me from the rain, not that it mattered, I would be wet in a matter of minutes anyway. When I decided to finally kill myself, and committed to a plan, I felt the pressure of the past lift off my shoulders, i could finally let go.

In my hands was a small picture of Jimin, regardless of what happened, I was never more happy in my life than the months I shared with him. When my parents were alive we were fairly poor, I never had shiny new toys or clothes as a kid, or big family get togethers or meals. When they died, I felt even more alone, having to work myself to the bone in order to do well in school and to pay for a roof over my head as I was almost an adult. Most of my life was lived in hardship and I believed the rest of my life would follow suit. But Shinhye and her family changed some of that, her parents helped raise me, and kept me fed and in good spirits that got me through college. In a stroke of luck, I found the perfect job for myself, and then I met Jimin soon afterwards. But I guess sometimes a person can be too lucky. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be able to live easily, and this was my punishment for those months of blissful peace.

I changed inside after that attack, I don't know what happened to Jimin, he never contacted me afterwards, but while staring at his picture now, I couldn't bring myself to fully hate him. Even after everything I'd been through, and witnessing him moving on, a part of me still loved him, knowing he was my soulmate, and the only person who could ever complete me.

My decision to end my life was not dependent on his absence in my life, but from the fact that I was tired. I was tired of living with the scars from the surgeries after my attack that marred my skin, with the pain that would occasionally rack my body if I moved in a certain way, from the mental scars that left me a shell of the person I once had been.

I had accepted now that I just wasn't meant to live a happy peaceful life, that I was supposed to live a harsh existence. But I no longer wanted to go on to see what else life would throw at me, I'd gone through enough pain.

The rain picked up going from as soft pitter-patter to a more steady fall, I took a deep breath in, taking in the smell and sights for one last time, I still loved the sound of rainfall. I stuck Jimin's picture onto the railing, the water creating a temporary seal around it. I took in another breath and whispered a prayer my mother had long ago taught me and pushed off the railing into the water below.     



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I'm really sorry for this depressing and boring to read chapter. I just haven't been feeling the greatest mentally and I needed to write something to be able to escape and work through things, so i ended up with this disaster, there's no dialogue, or any real action, i just didn't have the energy to write anything decent right now. 

Also saying that, If anyone wants, i may write a part 2 with Jimin's POV. 

Also it may just be the medical (almost) professional in me, but I've included some information down below, i know we can all easily google this information, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded that help is there if anyone needs it.

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Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

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