A Little Bit Quirky

Chapter 23: Destructive

"I don't understand? Me?!" He roars, pushing me back. I stumble and my tender back hits the wall of the corridor. "K...Kacc—!"
" W...Why do you do this? Why do you act as if you're the only one who can care? You know.....You know what All Might means to me. You're the only one who knows......but, you act like you're the only one who needs him. All Might was my hero just as much as he was yours! You can't take that away from me. You can't act as if I don't feel this pain just as much as you do........ " He clutches the front of his t-shirt and runs a hand through his hair, bloodshot eyes meeting my own.

"He's gone, Izuku." I flinch and he places his hand on my chest above my heart that is tight and battering against my ribs. "Nothing can change that."

My lip trembles and I let my hand fall to his, clutching it tightly. My head falls forward and the tears that I had been holding back drop onto the tips of Kacchan's converse. My fingers tremble and I jolt forward as a sob rattles out of my chest.
Slumping against Kacchan I choke on my words, head pressed against his bicep. "He can't be........He can't be gone....." Kacchan let's out a shaky breath and relaxes as I cry into the sleeve of his hoodie. He carefully pulls me closer and my hands wrap around him, crushing him against me. He clutches me just as hard, arms intertwining around my shoulders, as he buries his head in my hair, sobbing. "He can't be gone!" I scream into his chest, voice muffled. A sharp agony sweeps over me and leaves me feeling lost and aching, my soul screaming for it to not be true.

Loss is the worst villain of them all.
No matter how many times you defeat it, it just keeps crawling back to slowly destroy you from the inside out. There's no end, no words to describe it.
It's a feeling. A deep feeling rooted in your bones that aches and screams and never really leaves. A feeling that consumes your mind no matter how hard you resist.
The feeling of loss.

***

I sit in one of the empty classrooms of UA, head resting on Kacchan's shoulder as the rain from the open window splashes across the windowsill with loud noises that echo in the silent room.

I cough, reaching up to wipe my raw eyes and then let my hands fall limply into my lap. Kacchan remains still and quiet beside me, a great contrast to his shaking, crying form a few moments earlier.
After a moment longer, I decide to break the silence, voice raw and ragged. "Do you know what happened to Uraraka and Iida?" The rain pools onto the wooden floor and Kacchan shifts beside me.
"Uraraka's in the infirmary."
"And Iida?"
"They're looking for him." I lift my head off Kacchan's shoulder and tilt it towards the open window, shivering as the cold, damp air hits my face. "What can we do?"
"Nothing." The classroom shudders as wind flutters the curtains and curls in and around the desks. I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling in defeat, eyes falling shut. Kacchan's right.
No matter how much I want to help, I can't do anything......
I hate this!
The worrying, the fear, the pain, the inability to act — Why? Why does it feel like nothing's changed? Like I'm still just that quirkless kid who was bullied and pushed to one side throughout middle school.
I'm useless.
I flinch, hating the way a horrible feeling weighs down my chest and clogs my lungs. It feels like I'm smothering, trapped beneath a darkness that presses in on me. Everything is dark and heavy and I can't see anything. It's just an endless stretch of black, that goes on forever. It's suffocating and it doesn't matter how hard I struggle, because there's no escape. The feeling of being useless is like a poison; it burrows into your mind and then latches on before slowly contaminating every part of you, until you believe it yourself. You believe that you're pathetic and worthless.
Like you're existence doesn't matter.

No! I have to stop thinking like this. I shouldn't be stewing in self-pity when All Might is in danger and Iida is missing! I shouldn't but.......
It's true.
I really don't matter—
"Oi, Deku?" Kacchan's voice breaks through my depressing thoughts as his warm hand clamps down on my shoulder. The darkness surrounding me yields to the heat of Kacchan's palm and I glance to his crimson eyes, my own open wide.
"Are you alright?" He asks and my eyes fall to his lips as, they form the words, his deep voice rough from disuse. W....What if.....  I think, heart pounding in my chest as, I stare at his mouth.
What if I let Kacchan........burn everything away?
The worrying, the fear, the pain, the inability to act— Could Kacchan destroy it?
Could he burn everything? Not just the darkness but me. My hopes, my dreams, my love, my hate, my mind, my body.........
All of me.