Oh no. I don't know if he heard Sam call me "rebound" but this was far too soon to be finding me, even if I had grown very close to him. I have an understandable stigma to being a rebound for this very reason. Hell, I would have appreciated a proper proposal if he actually wanted me to be his girlfriend before this. It's like he didn't need my input on the matter. My body was trembling as I shook my head.

"Ryan...I appreciate that you want me to be your girlfriend, I do...but this is too soon. You just told Sam she wasn't worth your time...again! But I don't think you've accepted the fact you're out of a relationship and need to take a break."

After I said this, Ryan sat in a state of shock. I don't think I was getting to him, and if I was, he probably wasn't too keen on hearing it. "So now you're saying you don't want to be with me?" He asked. I could hear him holding back his frustration in his voice. I guessed right. I pursed my lips, looking down at my bra that kept me covered.

"You have it all wrong. I want to start a relationship with you but—"

"But not now, why??" He asked with more aggression. I had to calm him down.

"Because you're still mad at Sam. I don't want to be on the end of that anger or cathartic response. I could feel it in your touch and I didn't like it. You also just assumed I wanted what you wanted and that's not cool. You need to understand that now is not the time because the events of prom and today most definitely reopened some deep wounds that—"

Ryan clutched the sides of his head as he stood up. "I thought you felt something for me." Was he even listening? I was trying to talk civilly, but apparently my words of common knowledge were emasculating him of something unknown. Why does a simple conversation always turn out like they do in movies: jumbled, dramatic, and dismissive? I wasn't an expert, but movies were the inspiration for most couple decisions in the reality of things these days. I mean, it's how I think, so who am I to judge?

"Ryan, I'm a virgin." I said, studying how he reacted.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Elise?" He said as his voice broke, pounding his desk by the window. Just as I thought, he wasn't listening. Suddenly, we heard a voice uproar from down the hall. "HEY! I think I'm going to have another heart attack if you two keep this crap up. Haven't you people ever heard of closing A goddamn door?"

Ryan swiftly turned and kicked his door shut with a loud crackle. As he did this, the orange bottle of painkillers fell out of his pocket and burst open, pills clattering all over the wood floor. Nothing but the sound of his fury-filled inhaling and exhaling resonated throughout the room as he knelt down to pick up all the little tablets. I let out a sigh of shock.

How the hell did he find the bottle? I mean, I thought I hid it neatly at the apartment. If he had them now that meant he searched our living space to get them back. I went down to help him clean up his stolen mess. I walked over to him and gave him my palmful of pills. Before he set the orange bottle aside, I saw him put two into his mouth.

"NO!" I yelled, slapping the back of his head, causing him to cough them out. I took the bottle off the counter and the regurgitated tablets off the floor, rushed into the bathroom and held them over the toilet. Ryan ran in soon after and watched me drop them in and flush.

"Elise, what the hell are you doing?!?" He yelled as I crossed my arms.

"You ask what I'm doing, Ryan? I'm...saving you from yourself. Just like you do for your dad. You," I pointed at his dumbstruck expression, "don't need these."

He stared at me in silence as the toilet finished emptying itself. He was so broken. I didn't care if he bought them off someone or if he was stealing from his dad, they weren't his and he shouldn't be reliant on their numbing effect. Ryan wiped his mouth then put his hand over his face, slowly walking back to his room in a huff. I heard a loud squeaked as I followed swiftly. He was face down on his bed.

          

I sat down at the end and waited for him to respond. Yes, I felt terrible that he was in such distress while also being the cause of it, but those pills had to go. I may have been his friend, but that didn't mean either of us did things the easy way. No doubt, I made him angry and my actions could go unforgiven. That didn't change the fact I cared about him.

"Wh...di...do...fahh, Eliff?" I heard him mumble loudly from his pillow.

"What?"

He turned his head away from where it lay to give me a look of resentment. "I said why did you do that, Elise? You've seen me take those many a time when my anxiety is too much for me. So why, of all the times you've seen me with those, why did you do that?"

I glared at him angrily. After all this, he was finally ready to listen. "Because they don't treat emotional pain and it should have been done a long time ago. A friend of mine almost died once because she took so many and I don't want you to be a victim to them either, even if it is just two every time."

I remembered back to that time Ginger got so depressed she took some of her mom's emergency medicine to "cure" her overwhelming sadness and was found lying on the bathroom, pale and unresponsive. She had to have her stomach pumped and deal with cardiac arrest in the process. My brother was too worried about me passing midterms at the time to let me even visit her. Even though we became closer friends after that, Ginger was never again as lively as she was before that sophomore semester.

Ryan was silent as he looked down at his pillow. Yeah, he got to know a little bit more about me...and it didn't feel too good to know he was making me rewatch the motions.
"I...just...I just need something that will help right now." He said, grasping his comforter tightly in his hands. I could tell he was being honest. No one on this state could have the effort to lie about their feelings, not even a guy as deadpan as Ryan. This was the my friend, real and focused.

"Ryan..." I took the sides of his head so he was looking at me like I always did. His eyes were hidden by the lowlight, but I could tell if I didn't say the right thing now, I would lose him. I took a deep breath and said the words I wanted to say the day he first kissed me. "Ryan, I do love you." I let that sink in before I continued. He closed his eyes tightly as I continued. "I do. Just know behaving this way will not get me to do it with you and release that anger boner. I know I help you in decision making but I refuse to be used as a means to decompress. Same goes for the pills. You just need some down time until that anger is gone. When it is, I'll be happy to discuss what we are to each other." Ryan rubbed his face as he slowly nodded. It always hurt to see him like this, giving into his internal suffering. He may not have agreed with me in the moment, but he couldn't deny that I had a point of logic.

"How...how long must I wait?" He asked through new tears as he moved a strand of hair behind my ear, longingly wanting to touch again. I carefully guided his hand away from my hair to place it over his heart. It was pounding at a fast rate, throbbing with negative emotion. What I would have given to have been the glue that held it together again.

"I want you to wait until you can honestly look in the mirror and tell the person staring back at you you're fine." He breathed, clenching his chest harder and turning to his bed frame for support. I was not going to comfort him this time.

I hurt me to say that. I knew that if I wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to be a replacement or thing to turn to release tension. If he was going to be with me, I did not want him grieving over someone else. I knew I was being selfish I'm my standards, but it was for both of us that we didn't start anything yet. I had to restrain myself from comforting him with the affection I had already given him, despite my urge. Instead, I pulled a tissue out of my bra and handed it to him.

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