Staring at the sun // 1D & 5SOS

They say I'm crazy

“Hey look at this.” Millie says after a while, holding up a small plasticbag with something that looks like sugar. She opens it and pours some of it into her hand before licking on it. “It’s salt.” Niall moves over to her and starts going through the same bag, and after a few minutes he pulls out a similar plasticbag.

“pepper.” He says, after checking it. “Remind me to never complain about weirdos on planes ever again. This is gonna be great!” I smile, agreeing with him. Lately,it’s been pretty good. it’s been like five days since the last fight and everyone’s been getting along fine, Most nights we all end up sitting around the fire singing along as Niall plays guitar, even Michael has started to join us, even though he and Luke usually sit a little bit further away than the rest of us, and it’s just really nice not having to deal with any drama.

“Yeah, this is gonna be amazing!”

Michael’s P.O.V

“No no no Lily! No you can’t stand there!” I watch in amusement as Luke tries to keep Lily in the shallow end of the small creek we found a few days ago. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately, or I guess it’s more like him spending time with me, and he has told me a lot about himself. “Mikey, come on!” Luke is holding Lily under her arms as she keeps walking further and further out, and when it get’s too deep for he he picks her up and puts her on his shoulders. I shake my head and looks away. I can’t swim, I’ve never been able to, and I just really don’t like water. It’s strange really, how I somehow managed to get to shore without drowning when the plane went down. No it’s not strange. The world hates you, it wants you to be alive and suffer. Simple as that. “Please Mikey, it’s not cold.” I shake my head again just as Ivory shows up again, not that I noticed that she left in the first place, and I stand up and walks back into the jungle. I can hear Luke call for me but I ignore it and keep walking. I can’t help it but I always feel like I’m intruding whenever there’s someone else with us, as if I’m not supposed to be there.

That’s because you’re not. You’re not supposed to be there.

I only walk for a couple of minutes before sitting down with my back against a tree. Even though I left I kinda still want to be there, ever since me and Luke started spending time together I’ve started to fear the loneliness again, I know that every hour I spend with him will make it harder for me to resist when I get alone and I have the chance to… But you’re going to do it anyway aren’t you? You know there’s no point in thinking he’ll actually be able to save you from yourself, don’t you? You’re even going to do it now, right? I can feel the weight in my pocket, know that it’s there. I could just pick it up and do it, it would buy my a few more hours of peace before it comes back.

“Michael?” There goes that chance, you fucking idiot .Why didn’t I hear him coming? “I’m sorry.” He sits down next to me and takes my hand, something I’m still not used to him doing even though he’s been doing it every time we’ve been alone for the past few days. “I didn’t mean to push you like that, I just...I don’t know.” He’s playing with my fingers as he’s talking and I keep my eyes on a small rock that’s laying a few meters away. “I guess I just wanted you to feel included you know, I wanted you to have fun. It’s like when I was growing up, I wanted to be a comedian because I liked making people happy, but I was never funny like that.” I don’t have to look at him to know that he’s smiling, I can hear it in his voice. “What did you want to be when you were younger?” Yes Michael, what did you want to be when you were younger? Why don’t you tell him? that’ll scare him off and you’ll be alone again, you’ll be able to do it.

“I….didn’t want to be like my father.” I tell him after a while. “I wanted to be someone...someone my mum could rely on.” And how did that work out for you? Oh surprise surprise, you failed. Your mum doesn’t even talk to you anymore, she never even acknowledged you.

“Oh.” Well that worked out fine didn’t it, this isn’t awkward at all. “I don’t….I mean I don’t know what your father were like but I don’t think you’re like him Michael, I think you’re pretty amazing.” I don’t know how to answer that, after all I never knew my father, so once again we just sit there in silence. “Have you ever like….done it?” He then asks, completely out of the blue. That’s the thing with Luke, sometimes he just asks you these really random questions, like right now.

“Yeah.” I say after a while. “Yeah, but I don’t really remember it.” Aaaaand now he’ll think you’re a junkie or something, that’s really good thinking Michael, do you want him to stay or do you want him to be freaked out and leave? But I wouldn’t want to lie, not anymore. I’m tired of lying to people, and Luke is the first person who genuinely seem to care about me since...since ever.”I was high, all I remember is waking up next to some naked guy. It didn’t mean anything.” Why are you telling him this? Geez you’re such an idiot!

“Well if it didn’t mean anything...why’d you do it?” His question reminds me of how young he really is. He might look like he’s twenty or something but in reality he’s only seventeen and I guess most people haven’t felt like what I had when I was seventeen.

“To forget.”

I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here without saying anything, but when I realise he’s shivering I let go of his hand and stand up. He looks up at me before getting on his feet as well and then we just stand there, awkwardly, in front of each other. Well say something you idiot. Or don’t, you’ll just make things worse, and no one likes your voice anyway, it’s so...euw.

“You should go get dressed, you’ll get a fever or something.” I say quietly and he nods slowly before stepping closer and wrapping his arms around me, catching me by surprise. He notices and steps back again.

“Sorry, I just...thought you needed a hug.” He says, scratching his neck.

“No it’s fine I just….I’ve never been hugged and I wasn’t expecting it that’s all.” Yes because let’s tell him you haven’t been hugged before, that’s good for you, why don’t you go ahead and tell him about what you keep in your pocket too, while you’re at it. He looks shocked, that’s probably the best way I can describe it. I messed up, i must have messed up really bad now. I mean it’s true, my mum never hugged me and I’ve never had friends, the only times I actually was in contact with people were at clubs and then I was either high or drunk so I don’t think that counts, and it’s not like we cuddled or anything.

“We’re gonna have to change that then.” Luke says when he finally opens his mouth, and then he steps forward and pulls me in for another hug.

~ AN: So this was kind of a filler or something, I don't know I just felt like it was. But there was some Larry, so that's nice. And we're starting to get to know Michael a little as well, how about that? What did you think of this chapter? Vote/Comment and remember that I love you //M ~