Chim - I'll Always Be There

Chapter 28

‘Cheryl, it didn’t matter that Ashley said it, I’ve always knew it anyway.’ Her tears have stopped now but her voice is serious, ‘even if he didn’t say it, this was bound to happen eventually anyway.’

‘What do you mean you’ve always knew it? It isn’t true.’ She rolls her eyes as I say this, ‘And why was it bound to happen?’

‘It is true Cheryl. I have always had trouble with my weight and I have never felt comfortable with myself. I could feel it taking over my thoughts, really slowly. All Ashley did was speed up the process’

‘But-’

‘Stop.’ She says firmly, interrupting me, ‘and stop blaming yourself when ever Ashley is mentioned. You weren’t responsible for any of the shit he has done. In fact, you managed to keep him from hurting me and the girls’

‘Even though you knew you would be miserable and hurting yourself by doing it’ she adds sadly.

‘Why do you do that?’ I ask.

‘What?’ she looks back at me with a confused expression and a furrowed brow.

‘Whenever we are talking about you, you swiftly change the topic so we are talking about something else?’ I watch her closely to see her reaction, but she just simply shrugs, ‘No Kimberley. Talk to me.’

‘But that’s the problem Cheryl. I don’t want to talk... not about me anyway.’

‘But why’ I can see we are both getting aggravated now, but I need answers. ‘I need to know why you are so uncomfortable with yourself and why you won’t talk about it.’

‘Why do you need to know? I can already tell you how the conversation will go’ she argues, raising her voice a little, ‘I’ll say why I can’t fcuking stand myself and then you’ll be all like “you’re not, you’re beautiful, you don’t need to change anything” then I will probably just nod my head, silently hoping you will be satisfied by my answer and shut up, when really all I’m think is bullsh!t. bullsh!t. bullsh!t!’

It falls silent after her little out-burst. I sit here in shock, jaw hanging open a little and I’m speechless. I watch as she rests her elbows on her knees and covers her face with her hands, her body shaking as she silently cries into her hands.

“I can’t fcuking stand myself”... that’s what she said. She really hates herself and I never noticed. How did she keep it hidden from Nadine and Sarah while I was at Nics?

‘I’m sorry.’ She croaks after a few seconds silence, ‘that was uncalled for’

‘I-it’s-’ I find my voice only to be interrupted again.

‘Do not say it’s fine Cheryl.’ her voice wobbles a bit, but I know she is serious.

How did she know I was just going to brush it off and say it was fine? She knows me well enough to know what I would say, yet I couldn’t tell when she is starving herself because of self-hatred.

‘I can’t stand arguing with you’ she whispers, barely audible.

‘Then don’t’ I reply softly, placing my hand on her back.

She lifts her head and looks at me, making me hesitate whether or not to remove my hand. She looks deep into my eyes and I simply gaze back, before she looks away and nods her head.

I wait patiently, my hopes rise as I think she is about to talk to me, but they quickly drop again when she puts her head back in her hands. I see her take in a deep breath and silently let it out before she straightens up.