Too Playa

Heart Somewhere Else

"What?" I asked lost.

"What is amazing to me about all of this is, I would've thought with your brother dying you would have closed up. But with our last sessions and it seems like even with Odell, you're more open."

"I guess I am." I blushed. "Don't get me wrong. I am hurting like hell. Shawn was everything to me. My protector. My bestfriend. My voice of reason. Essentially my dad. But as I looked at Shawn's lifeless body I thought about all the things I wish I could've told him. Convos I wish we could've had, about our life, about our pain. How I wish I could thank him for all the sacrifices he made for me, even as a child so I could live better...Sorry." I wiped my eyes as tears fell.

She handed me a tissue.

"Thank you. And I thought about how I won't get that chance. And I realized say all the things you want to say now. You may never get that chance."

"Avi..." She grabbed my hands. "I am so freaking proud of you love. That you came to that conclusion, even without my prompting. You are so very, very right. We say, see you later or talk tomorrow. Not knowing whether we will really get that chance."

"Exactly! And like even with our complicated status, O was by my side every step of the way.
Every single night I cried about Shawn he held me. Cooked for me. Took care of Oak. Just did whatever I needed."

"That's wonderful Avi. And how do you feel expressing yourself to him?"

"Your method of compliments worked. It started small. Which spooked him." I laughed.

"I can imagine." She laughed.

"But I just broke down and told him, I loved him. Which I do. And the more I was around him these past weeks, I just want to be with him. But I know I'm still unstable. I want to work on my ownself, so that if that does happen, I'm not repeating cycles of hurt. I have to know for sure this state I'm in is permanent and not a bandaid. And I told him to just allow his girlfriend to love him for now."

"The fact that you understand that, is really impressive."

"That and I have to go clean out Shawn's apartment and I don't know what I'll find. Especially if I find those letters. If they even exist."

"And if they do?"

"If they do... I don't know. I want to see my dad regardless, but I want to see if the letters exist first. So before I go, I can try to understand him. Just like I'm trying to understand myself. It won't mean what he did is okay. Just like what I did to O was not. But it'll help me at least understand."

"Well here's what we do. See if in the process of cleaning you find the letters and if you do, bring them in so we can unpack them and what you're feeling."

"Cool."

"Give me a hug girl. Wonderful, wonderful session." We hugged tight. "Proud of your growth. Keep progressing."

"I will."

Odell POV-

"Guess what boo?" East-Side said as I sat on her couch drinking on some Hennessy.

"I got in." She held up a letter to me.

"Oh Congrats."

"Well nurses assistant program. Then I'd go from there. But I start this fall." She handed me the letter.

"That's wonderful." I took the letter and read it.

"And its all..." she got on my lap straddling me. "Thanks to you." She put her arms around my neck.

"You did the work."

"Yes but you pushed me. Thank you baby." She tried to kiss me, but for some reason my lips wouldn't return the favor.

She looked at me side ways.

I sighed.

"When have you ever rejected my kiss Harvard?"

"I'm just not in the mood today."

"You put me off for two weeks, then you show up at my crib. I didn't come to you. And now you treat me like some plague." She said mad.

"Its not you."

"Then what is it Odell?" That's the first time she ever used my real name. "Because I wasn't pressed to be with your black ass. You told me all this shit about how you wanted to be with me and—"

I cut her off with a kiss.

"Just going through some stuff at work. That's all." I lied. "Sorry I took it out on you. Let me just go home and I'll come back once I clear my head. This stuff is really weighing on me and I don't want to hurt you today as a result."

"You know you can talk to me?"

"I know. But I don't want to burden you."

"You wont be a burden."

"I hear you. But I just think its best. But know I'm proud of you. Really I am." I kissed her.

"Thank you." She smiled.

I pecked her lips one more time then left.

How do you process that your heart is with someone else.

—-/

Hey my babies! I wish you all a very happy new year!

And to my August Alsina fans, those are the books I first wrote, lets keep him lifted. As his sister in law Chandra has died from cancer. I pray his family has the strength to surround the girls during this rough period.