Vorfreude

Chapter 31

We slept together... As in we fucked. 

Anthony and I shared physical intimacy. 

My worst nightmare has come true. If his words were correct, which I have never known him to lie to me, his body and my body collided in ways that they never should have collided. I can't even fathom that. How in the world could Ant and I have had sex and I not remember it? He was right, I wasn't that drunk, I know that. In a case like this, I would remember. Plus I clearly remember getting home and talking to Erin. Everything after that I don't remember because I was sure I had fallen asleep.

I can feel myself heating up in anxious swirls. My lungs fight me for a chance at giving out. 

Deena appears and spooks me before they win.

"Here you are, darlin. Anything else I can get for you while you wait on your friend?" 

I shutter. The irony. What Friend?

"No, this is great, thank you." 

She smiles at me again before walking over to her other tables. As she steps in from of one cady-corner to me, her eyes cut back to me as if she's trying to piece me together. I would worry, but to be honest, I have much more to worry about at the moment. Such as the fact that I think I just lost my best friend. 

 I pick up the glass from in front of me and chug most of it. My forehead is bombarded in a cold sweat. I guess that's what exercise does to you. I wouldn't know. 

My foot taps on the ground under the table. My heartbeat isn't slowing down. If anything, it's increasing. My fingers start tapping again and as I try to suck in large gapes of air, I find that it is starting to become even more challenging. 

No... This does not need to happen right now. 

I look around me, agonizing that I'm about to start hyperventilating and everyone in here is going to witness it. No one is looking at me, which is good. Maybe if I start running again, it'll stop. 

I keep gaping. 

Small, yet sharp inhales of crisp air burn inside my chest. I want to crawl in a hole. No one can see me in a hole. I can go into a full frontal panic attack in a hole and come out not feeling embarrassed. My heart is constantly accelerating which creates loud thumps that beat inside of my ears, blocking out all of the background noise around me. I begin feeling quite faint.

It's about to engulf me. I know it.

My eyes flick to the door of the diner as it swings open, catching my attention. I recognize the person, but the tears threating to spill from my tear ducts blur their face. I see their outline approach my direction and I flinch as they slide in beside me and grab me, pulling me into their side. My instant reaction is to jerk away as tears actually plummet down my cheeks. They stop me and say something I can't make out. Their hands tangle around my shoulders and hold me close against their chest, seizing me that I'm okay. Everything around me goes hazy, but I'm embraced in a familiar scent of mint and tropical essence. My body instantly melts and I attach myself to them, allowing everything to pour out of me and onto their black V-neck shirt. 

I'm safe.

****

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Oliver asks when I've finally calmed down enough to engage in human interaction. I've pulled away from his side, but he still sits next to me, refusing to move to the other side of the booth. I have to admit I'm kind of happy about that. His body, his warmth, him being this close to me is so soothing.

"Not really," I faintly say, wiping away my tears with an already black from mascara napkin.

The silence is suffocating, but it's also comforting. I don't feel alone.