Void // Billie Eilish

Twenty One

I smile softly as I listen to her, some of my insecurities slowly starting to melt away. They'll never go completely, I think I'll always have the burden of my shitty mom hanging over my head, but I refuse to let my upbringing put me in a box.

"And yeah you had a shit mom, but you have a dad who loves you and worked his ass off to provide for you. That's who you'll be like, not the bitch who abandoned her family."

I nod when she says that, because she's right. I was focused on the fact that I had a shitty mom who left me, but at the same time I also had a dad who bent over backwards to try and provide for me. Sure, it means I didn't get to see him much, but he loves me with his whole heart and that love is one of the few things that kept me close to sane after everything I've been through.

Billie is also one of those things.

"One day," I whisper as I turn my head to look at her, and she cups my cheek sweetly while leaning in to kiss the other one. I lean into her hand and let out a soft sigh, feeling the same sense of relief from her touch that I feel when I spark a joint.

"One day," she repeats and lets out a heavy breath. "Just not so soon."

"You'll make the best mom when you're ready," I tell her honestly, smiling just at the thought of Billie with a child. "They'll be free and creative and passionate and kind, but also know how to stand up for themselves when they need to, just like you."

Billie smiles and presses her forehead against mine, her eyes sparkling.

"God you're messing with my baby hormones," she mutters and I laugh softly. "Now I wanna have this thing just so I can watch you be all cute and shit."

"Well tell me why you decided not to, so you can remind yourself," I suggest and bring my hand up to take hers from my cheek.

I bring her hand down to my lips and kiss her knuckles sweetly before lacing our fingers together and setting our hands in my lap.

"It just wouldn't be good for my sake or the baby's sake or my careers sake or our relationships sake," she lists and looks down at my hands, using her fingers on her free hand to trace the tattoos on my arm, focusing heavily on the one she drew for me.

"I'd have to put my whole career on hold for fuck knows how long, and I'm not at a place where I wanna do that. It gets stressful sometimes but at the end of the day this is kinda what I live for. Like, the feeling I get on stage...I'm not ready to take a break from that just yet."

I was sure before, but I'm even more sure now. Billie knows what's best for her and she's going to do what she needs to do, and I'm going to support her every step of the way because I love her and that's what you do for someone you love.

"When are you going to go to the doctor?"

"Next week in Boston. Will you come?" she asks and I nod while bringing her hand down so I can kiss it sweetly.

"I won't miss it, I mean it this time."

She eyes me for a second before nodding with a soft smile, letting me know that she believes me.

"I'm sorry I got so mad," she whispers, sounding guilty. "That was just a really really stressful conversation to have and I needed you there and I was worried and scared and...I'm just really emotional right now and I snapped."