Peter Johnson: A Percy Jackson Parody

Chapter 1: I Am Awesome, And A Demigod

I don’t want to be a half-blood. It’s scary. It’s hard. It usually gets you killed. It’s practically impossible. It might seem like fun, but it is harder than anything a mortal could even imagine. So if you think you’re a demigod, get to camp half-blood right away. Find a satyr. It’s located in Manhattan, New York. You’ll find it. A real demigod can sense it’s presence.

If you’re reading this for fun, great. Forget what I just said. I admire you for being able to believe this is all fiction.

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My name is Peter Johnson.

I’m twelve years old, and an only child. My mother is Alison Johnson. I have no idea who my father is. I will just say this right now, I’m a very troubled kid. I’ve been to six different schools in six years. I’m diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia. Some of the first few signs that you’re a demigod. Let’s just say I have a very difficult life.

I’m going to skip the part about vaporizing my pre-algebra teacher and defeating the minotaur. It’s not that interesting. So after I defeated the minotaur, I finally made it to camp half-blood with my best friend (who turns out to be a satyr) Rover. But Rover passed out half way through fighting the minotaur, and I was exhausted. So I made it through the camp gate, but I don’t remember anything after that. I was told I passed out. The next thing I knew, I was looking up at a really hot, blond chick who was feeding me what looked like chocolate. She told me that it was ambrosia, food of the gods. I asked what her name was, and she replied, “AnneBertha Kase. But call me Anna. Yours?”

“Peter Johnson.” I said dreamily. It was love at first sight. Except I don’t think she felt the same way about me. After a couple of minutes, a centaur dude came in, (and I was like: WHAT THE HECK!) and that’s when I met Chiron, the immortal trainer of heroes, who gave me an awesome sword made of celestial bronze. It’s name is Tipride. The awesome three-foot blade is...sorry. I got carried away. Anyways, I met Chiron, and then I met Mr. D. Mr. D is actually Dionysus, as in the grape god from Greek mythology, but has to be the camp director of camp half-blood as punishment from Zeus. It’s really annoying, though, because he always purposely gets my name wrong. He calls me Percy Jackson. What a pathetic name! Did I ever mention that Greek mythology is real? I guess I forgot. But that’s not that important. What’s really important is that hot chick over there. AnneBertha?

It was my second day at camp, and Rover was showing me around when I saw that chick, Anna, again. When I asked Rover who her immortal parent was, he barely responded. All he said was “Foooood.” while staring at the mess hall. So I abandoned him and walked over to find out my self. She was just sitting by the beach studying ancient Greek all by herself.

“Hey.” I said very awkwardly, “So, I was simply wondering, who’s your immortal parent?”

“Athena.”

“I don’t know who mine is yet.”

“You may never know.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re an idiot, you know that?”

“Yes. But what do you mean?”

“Some kids are never claimed and end up staying in the Hermes cabin.”

“Do you think that will happen to me?”

“Would you just shut up? I’m trying to study. And I have no way of knowing.”

“But-”

“Just shut up. Unless you want to study ancient Greek with me?”

“No thanks.” That went on for about half an hour, but you get the idea. Finally, Anna got up insisting that she was done, But I think she was actually trying to get away from me. Girls are a mystery.