Cupcakes at Midnight

Chapter 12

It's so late but still dark outside, and I'm groggy. I have no idea what time it is as I roll over and reach for Cat. He meows his displeasure at me, but now that I know he's okay, I can start trying to figure out the pit in my stomach.

I pick up my phone and learn that it's 4:23am. I can see I have texts from Ava, and I unlock my phone, worried.

The first message is a picture of a bottle of Jack Daniels. The text just says cheers. I can see that she sent it around 1am.

The next text is her asking if I'm awake, around 2:30am. Her texts begin to get really sloppy and a little dark around 3am.

As soon as I see the most recent text was just a few minutes ago, I call her.

She answers, laughing.

"Janeeeee. Janie. Does anyone call you Janie?"

I shake my head, my eyebrows furrowed. "No, Ava, no one calls me Janie."

"I miss you, Janie."

"Don't be ridiculous. You just saw me."

"I know, but I miss the way you taste," she says, lowering her voice. "The way you feel. I miss so many things."

She's rambling, but I kind of like it. It's like an unfiltered peek into her brain.

"I miss myself," she whispers. "I miss how happy I used to be. How full of life. You would have loved the old me, Janie."

I try to think of how to delicately phrase my response.

"I like this you, Ava. I'm sure you're right about the old you, but I like this you, too."

"How can you like anything about me?" she asks through a hiccuped sob. "I am less than nothing."

I wring the blanket through my fingers, willing my brain to come up with answers that won't make this situation worse. "You are way more than nothing to me."

Deep in my belly, I remember these moments. These feelings.

"I don't know why. I don't understand. I don't have anything left."

"You have so much. You have me, and you have Cat. Ava, how much of the bottle did you drink?"

Her voice is low, ashamed. "I don't know."

"Is the bottle still near you?"

"No, Janie. It's on the ground."

"Can you move and see it?"

"Can't move. Don't wanna."

Fuck.

"Can I come over? Bring you Gatorade and provisions for the morning?"

"You've never been to my apartment."

Her voice is kind of full of surprise, and it makes me giggle quietly.

"True, I haven't. Can I come over now? I'm worried about you."

"I don't know... "

It feels like an invasion and I'm so conflicted. But I'm also so worried. If she drank the rest of the bottle, she might need to go to the emergency room.

"Let's be logical. What are the reasons you don't want me to come over?"

"My apartment is such a shithole. It's empty. Like me. Dirty. Cold."

"Like I care if your apartment is dirty or messy."

Ava exhales. "Okay."

I don't give her a chance to take it back. "I'll see you in 10," I say, and then hang up. I put my pajamas bottoms and a tank top on, with my puffiest, most comfortable hoodie over. I don't bother with a bra, because who the fuck even cares. I'm glad that I know exactly where everything is in the grocery store, I make it through in 5 minutes. I know I'm farther than 5 minutes, but I hope I can hit all green lights. I try not to speed, or break any major traffic laws because the last thing I need is to get pulled over.