Let Me Hold You For Now

Fucking Buttons

"Really?"

"You know I don't lie."

"I'm so glad." Clearly. She was so happy she almost gave him a proper smile. It was a small one, but he could see that she meant it. Damn... That freak Danny almost had a point. You really could get lost in her eyes. Well, at least you could when they weren't all cold and dead. It was rare, but sometimes she had this light in her eyes that was absolutely mesmerizing. The way she looked at him sometimes... it was like he was the most important thing in the world to her, someone worth seeing.

He realized he'd been staring way too long and cleared his throat. What was with the atmosphere? It felt so heavy and oppressive.

"Your hands work alright now?" He made a gripping motion in the air for her to imitate and immediately felt like an idiot. Why was he talking to her like she was a child? She was like a billion times smarter than he was. Her vulnerability was confusing. He didn't know what to do with it.

Instead of mimicking him, she went to the buttons on her shirt and deftly enough worked them open. Aaaand once again... he was staring. She either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Are you going to shower with your clothes on?" She finally asked as she got down to the last button.

"Huh?" He mumbled distractedly.

She was peeling her wet shirt off her naked body as demurely as possible and he swore she was moving in slow motion. His eyes were glued to every inch of newly exposed skin.

"Your clothes? Aren't they coming off too?"

His eyes widened in horror as reality came crashing down on him.

"Shit! Sorry! I meant to- Getting the fuck out now!" And he really did try to get the fuck out with a quickness but the slippery tub seemed to disagree with him. He lost his footing and just barely managed to catch himself before he fell on top of her. He ended up straddling her, hovering over her on all fours. She blinked in surprise, but otherwise seemed relatively calm.

"It's okay. Stay." She closed her eyes and weakly grabbed the front of his jacket, trying to pull him in closer.

What the hell was this shit? This kind of thing only happened in fiction. What would happen next? An innocent kiss? An awkward confession? A steamy makeout session?

"N-no!" He tore himself away from her. What the fuck was he thinking? She was a child for fuck's sake! A weak, vulnerable, traumatized little girl.

He stumbled his way out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. What the FUCK just happened? He sank to the floor and curled up into himself, pulling his knees to his chest and hiding his face in his arms. What the hell was he thinking? He made a big deal about protecting her but the second they were in a provocative situation he couldn't control himself?

No... He did control himself, somehow.

Okay. That was good. By some fucking miracle he managed to hold back. It wasn't like he wanted to ravage her or anything. He wasn't like that. He wasn't blind though.

It was impossible to completely ignore how beautiful she was. He sure as hell wasn't the first person to notice. But the physical stuff? That's not what he had in mind when he said she was his to do whatever he wanted with. This was all too confusing. It wasn't like she was the first beautiful girl he'd ever seen. He'd never had the urge to get closer to any of them though. As a general rule, he hated people, was even repulsed by them, even the beautiful ones.

But with Ray... Nothing made sense. Everything he knew about her was a contradiction.

He promised to kill her if she made a good face for him, but there was nothing in the world he wanted more than to make her smile. Part of him still longed to kill her, but keeping her alive was more important to him than anything had ever been. Just having her close made everything in the world a little bit better, but also like she was the only thing in the world that actually mattered. The way she looked at him made him feel human and weak, but she also made him feel strong enough to handle anything that would get in the way of her happiness. He wasn't strong enough though, was he? She handled her own problem tonight. He couldn't do a damn thing for her. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he making it about him?