I knew what would follow, and found my own lips whispering those words at the slow pace she had created, remembering this time when we were so innocent.
Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?
Well I tried to fake it, I don't mind sayin', I just can't make it.I think she realized as well the power of those words in our situation, because she abandoned before the end, trying to muffle the sound of her irregular breath.
What was supposed to be an attempt of reassuring me when she couldn't be physically there with me had turned into an heartbreaking moment.
"Can we talk?" I heard her say weakly, the growing wind muffling her angelic voice.
After hesitating for a while, my feet leaded me towards the window again. If none of us decided to lean on the windowsill we wouldn't see each other, and for our own heart's safety we both mentally agreed on staying hidden.
She seemed unable to find the right words, so I spoke first, allowing my eyes to linger on this dark form that I knew was the Eiffel Tower.
"Do you remember what you once told me Isabelle?"
I let a few second pass before reminding her of her own words.
Only a small noise came from her side when those words travelled to her ears, before she managed to speak, looking frustrated.
"I-.. I shouldn't have said that stupid thing about following my brain."
"That was the truth though."
Which meant I had to admit the part about her falling for me was also true.
I mean a part of me knew, but my heart refused to believe it which was dumb but now wasn't the time for this."I want nothing but the best for you." I admitted, seeing goosebumps on my skin but not feeling the coldness anymore, which was surely contradictory.
I think at this point we both knew I wasn't the best for her.
I was far from that."Are you- what-... ugh." She stumbled on her own words, showing so much fragility, as if she was at the verge of falling into pieces which broke my heart to hear.
But that feeling she had would eventually go away. She'll realize later that I had never been the one for her.It maybe took her a bit longer that she intended to but the question she wanted to ask nevertheless left her lips in another whisper "What are we then?"
That question had also been going in every single part of my brain for the past day.
The selfish part of me refused to let her go just yet, and I secretly hated myself even more for being that way.
"I don't know."
An uncomfortable silence then surrounded us, and I thought I should head back to bed. But when I was about to close the window her voice stopped me.
"Can you come to mine?"
I could hear in her voice that she already knew what my answer would be."Not that I don't want to, but I'm not sure it's a good idea."
Not letting her the time to protest I added:
"Goodnight Belle." and closed the window, wanting to facepalm myself for unconsciously not using her full name in that situation.
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After spending way too many hours staring at my ceiling, gradually being greeted by the sun caressing my skin through my open curtains, I decided I needed to go out in order to appease my mind and my swollen cheeks.
So I jumped into the shower and actually put effort into my appearance as it would be my first « real » time in town. Not that I was intending on meeting anyone I knew but anyways.
The sun was just shining but in no way warm so I didn't regret wearing the coat I had chosen.
Having absolutely no idea of where I was heading, I wandered amongst the French people and tourists for a while until I ended up right next to the Eiffel tower, forced to make an uncomfortable neck move to see it fully.
A few minutes later, as I was following the path around that gigantic thing that were in no way fantastic, my name resonated a few times in the distance. But there were so many people that I didn't think long about it and continued to walk slowly.
"Hey Amanda!" Someone suddenly gripped my wrist, making me turn towards them.
Jade was standing there, her hair gathered in a high bun.
"Oh. hi." I lowly replied, surprised to see her here.
"We wondered if you would come!" She excitedly said, literally dragging me behind her as we walked away from the path. I honestly didn't have any chance to run away, even more now that I was standing in front of my friends.
"You came!" Exclaimed Emily, now reminding me of that stupid tour.
"Oh fuck I forgot that thing, will you tell the French guys I couldn't make it? I need to go." I quickly said, already turning around.
Emily nevertheless decided to follow me, stopping me a few seconds later.
"Eh wait! They postponed to next weekend, Clara is sick. Are you alright?"Her eyes travelled from my puffy eyes to my swollen cheeks, and she didn't need more to understand. Her arms immediately wrapped around me and she whispered: "Is it that bad?"
This glimpse of affection was enough to wake up the pain in me. Soon my cheeks were flooded and my face buried itself in her scarf.
"I fucking hate myself. She was broken and I broke her even more by trying to protect her." I confessed in a weak and trembling voice, not even sure it was loud enough for her to hear it.
"You should have heard the pain in her voice. That's because of me Em', I'm the worst fucking bitch on Earth."
"Shh.. you're not. Calm down."
We remained in that position for I don't know how long, she allowed me to let it all out on her even though she had no idea of what I was actually talking about.
"Amanda?" Another voice then called me. I remained still, not wanting to face Cathy right now.
"It's related to Miss Anderson, isn't it?"At that question my head snapped towards hers, wondering if I had heard right.
Jade was waiting in the background, far away from us as Cathy must have asked her to stay away, and there she was, nervously fidgeting and barely able to hold my gaze.
"What did you say?" I uncontrollably snapped at her, not regretting it though.
"I- I know about you two."
My grip on Emily's shoulders immediately got tighter. She couldn't. How?
"What are you fucking talking about?"
I exchanged a look with Emily when Cathy looked down at her shoes, and I felt relived to see she was as surprised as me.
I knew she didn't say anything.