You, Me, and All The Spaces In-between

CHAPTER 29

So I said, "It's okay, Martin. Really. I just need some time to cool off."

And no one protested as I walked away, weaving through the tables across the cafeteria, pushing into the hall beyond.

No one said a word.

- - - -

Cash was waiting in one of our usual spots, by a dusty old classroom in an empty hallway. Both were rarely used.

He was leaning against the wall, standing directly in a pool of sunlight; golden beams speckled in his hair and fell in strips across his broad frame. Wearing a fur-lined denim jacket, a pensive expression, and an air of relaxed detachment, the boy could've been modelling for a magazine shoot in that moment.

And as I approached him, as I made my way down the hall, the sight of him filled my chest with warmth. It was like being kissed all over, like being filled with sunlight from head to toe.

Beautiful. You're beautiful. His words rang in my head.

But then I thought of Casey. Of Bryce and Tyson. Of stolen kisses at parties, between classes, in classrooms and under bleaches.

That's enough for me.

But was it?

"Hey, you." There was a fondness in Cash's eyes, affection lighting that brilliant blue gaze. I would've given my soul if it meant he would look at me like that forever. "How's school been?"

"Exceptionally boring," I said, which was a lie. But I didn't want to think about Martin and Robert now. I'd left them alone together in an awkward silence...Did that make me a bad friend? "How about you?"

"Better, now." Cash grinned and dipped to brush his lips against mine, hands finding my waist. It was remarkable that we'd only been doing this for a short time; I was certain I'd know Cash's touch anywhere. "Mrs. Riley was talking about mathematic equations all through the last period, and I just kept thinking of you."

"Math got you thinking of me?" I drawled, leaning closer as his lips travelled down my neck. I was sliding my hands up his shirt, caressing the hard smoothness of his body.

Cash laughed against my skin. "Haven't I told you how arousing I find unsolvable formulas? Such a turn on."

His lips found mine again, and I spoke breathlessly between kisses. "Keep it in your pants, Smith."

This was pure bliss, completely and utterly euphoric. I was swept up in a wonderful current, happily pulled into its depths. I could've let myself drown in it. It would've been so easy.

Too easy.

"I saw you with Casey," I murmured as we broke apart to catch our breaths.

Cash drew away, alertness coming back into his face. His brow furrowed slightly. "Okay?"

"You guys, ah...You guys were fighting. Arguing. Whatever." The absence of Cash's warmth let the cold hallway air come rushing in, and I already hated myself for ruining our time alone. "So she...She wants you back?"

Cash stuffed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall again, looking bored. "I guess. Who cares. It doesn't matter."

"You loved her." It wasn't a question. "Do you...Do you still love her?" If I was being honest with myself, I didn't want the answer.

Now Cash just looked annoyed. "Why do you care?"

"I just..." I picked at a thread on my hoodie, avoiding his gaze. "I just-If we're gonna be like, together-Like as a couple-Then I just want to-"

"We're not a couple," Cash interjected.

I felt cold in the middle. Frozen. "No, I know." I hadn't meant to say couple, but the word had come, unbidden, to my tongue. "I know that."

Silence stretched between us as I stared off into the distance. Cash had folded his arms and was staring at the floor, kicking his heel lightly against the wall.

"You wouldn't allow that, anyway," I said suddenly. Flatly. "Would you?"

Cash frowned again. "What are you-"

"No, you couldn't possibly allow that, could you?" The words were coming quickly now, spilling from me, and I didn't stop them. Didn't want to. "Not when Bryce and Tyson are around, not when people could judge you-Heaven forbid people knew you liked guys, heaven forbid you face judgement for your sexuality-"

"If you think we can just be a couple," Cash broke in quietly, with real anger in his voice, "then your grasp on the situation is a lot poorer than I thought."

"Here's the situation from where I'm standing," I said, lowering my voice to match his. "You only want me in the dark, secret spaces of your life. You'd never let me into the light."

There. That unspoken thing between us. Revealed in all its ugly, candid glory.

"People like me live in the shadows." I thought of Cash, standing in that pool of sunlight. Filling me with warmth. Then pulling away, and leaving me cold. "People like you will never understand what that's like."

We stared at each other in the aftermath of my words. Just stared, as the dust settled between us. There was something in Cash's face I couldn't discern. I wanted to take back everything I'd said. I wanted to say more.

"Fine," Cash announced suddenly. A muscle feathered in his jaw, twitching in his cheek. "Fine, Alyx. Let me leave you to your shadows."

I watched in silence as he walked away. Watched as he strode back down the hallway and disappeared, taking all the light and warmth with him.

Oh, Cash. You always do.

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