Old Habits Die Hard

chap. 3

He obviously noticed my reaction and asked me if I was ever going to be ready and when I told him I didn't know, I could see the visible hurt on his face and I swore for a second, he looked like he was ready to give up so that's how the argument started. But it ended the way it always does, talking through our issues, making up and going along like we do, except this one stuck to me. I felt like I realized for the first time that my inability to commit could actually result in me losing Connor. I'd like to think it's not true, but that look on his face told me something different. I know couples can go on for years without being married, but I know Connor doesn't want that and I myself don't even want that. I think we both want to be married at some point in our lives, it's just genuinely hard for me to take that step.

It pains me so deep inside that I can't bring myself to think about marriage without being paralyzed with fear, but when you're hurt as badly as I was, it makes all the sense in the world. Remember when he promised me he would never hurt me? When he promised me forever?

Yeah, fuck that.

Straight bullshit from none other than Greyson Wild. You're probably surprised. Greyson fucked with me and lied to me? After everything we went through? Believe me, it was just as much of a surprise to me. It straight up came out of nowhere. We weren't even fighting, nothing seemed wrong.

It was late November of our freshman year of college, right after Thanksgiving. I was at UC San Diego, him at Pomona College and even though we were an hour and a half away from each other, our relationship was doing great. We found time to see each other either on the weekends or we met in the middle at night during the week, but we also we're able to make other friends and stay connected on campus.

Everything really was working perfectly, flawlessly even and then one night Greyson met me on campus unexpectedly and he told me that we should take a break. He said that we've been together for two years and that we've grown so much together, but we haven't had the chance to grow without each other. He said that he needed to grow on his own so that we could be better together.

I was taken aback at first, mostly hurt by how out of nowhere it was, because just a week early he was talking about marrying me, but I'm not an unreasonable person. He specifically said that it would be a break and that we should work on ourselves a little. I wasn't exactly in agreement because I feel like we grow best together, but I loved him so I wasn't going to force him to stay with me when he felt like he needed to grow a little on his own. To me, this was going to be a temporary break and we would talk intermittently and come back together in a few months. Right?

Wrong.

After that night, he never spoke to me again. I didn't get a single text or call from him, not to mention he ignored every single one of mine. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth, except that I know he didn't because I went to see him one day a few months after, only I lost the courage to go and talk to him when I saw him. He felt like a stranger to me because if he truly loved me then he would not have lied to me and left me and broke every single one of his promises.

I met Connor almost a year later and it took everything in me to let him in, and I'm glad I did, but it's that small part of me that is still so hurt and so broken and so untrusting because of Greyson that can't let him fully in. Grey wasn't just some high school relationship to me, I fully anticipated marrying him one day. The feelings I felt for him are still unparalleled to anything I have ever felt, but I have Connor now and I love him to death, I truly do. He showed me what real committed and honest love is and I seriously wish every single day that I could fully get past what happened with Greyson so I could give Connor every part of me, but something is still holding me back.

But don't get it twisted. I was very hurt by Greyson, a part of me still is, but I'm not the girl I used to be anymore. I don't wish him the hurt he caused me nor would I ever say that I hate him. Being on my own for a year and now being with Connor for over six years, I know what good love is and I know it's not worth it to hold hate in your heart.

I just wish I could let go of that part of myself that can't trust people. When I put my trust in Greyson, he broke it in an earth shattering way. I feel so deeply for Connor, but I also did with Greyson so how is this time any different? That's what I keep thinking. That's what is holding me back. What if Connor ends up doing the same thing to me? I clearly have the worst judgement when it comes to guys. I choose the ones that hit me, manipulate me, lie to me, cheat on me and break my heart.

Imagine yourself in my position. With my track record of guys. You probably don't trust my judgement as it is, so why should I?

Given, I've worked on myself over the years and have learned how to be more independent and confident and secure, but it's always that little deep-rooted seed that gets you. It's sitting there inside you the whole time waiting for its moment to shine. Sitting on this plane, thinking about Greyson, that little seed feels like it's growing.

One thing I do wonder after all these years is where Greyson went. Why he stopped talking to me, what happened, and if he's happy. Those are all questions that I feel like I'll never get an answer to and will continue to plague me until my dying days. Connor knows all of this obviously. I'm very transparent with him, but I'm sure it's not very comforting to know your girlfriend sometimes thinks about her old boyfriend.

I just wish I had some closure, but I'm convinced I'm going to have to get used to the idea of not ever getting it.

* * * * *

im finallyyyyy done with the semester baby ah im so happy such a shitty fucking semester fuck online i didnt learn shit !!!!!

anyway im gonna be taking a lot of time for myself this break to just relax and like get back to myself and hopefully ill get the chance to write a lot :) honestly im so glad im writing a sequel, i literally NEED to have a book to be writing or else i feel so empty. it's just such a nice outlet to have even if im not writing all the time

han