Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

Somewhere Only We Know

I woke up at 4:30 pm and it all hit me again. Like remembering all over again. That this was true. I'm here in this situation. I'm in my bed, and he's not here.
But I got ready and I have never felt more alone.
By 7, we were heading to the party.
Paparazzi flooded the area and I was blinded and I held onto Kelseys hand as security guards blocked us away from the swarm of photographers leading us into the entrance.

We were all underage but it didn't seem to stop anyone, we were just super rich kids, with nothing but lose ends.

It was dark and hot in here. It smelled like sweat and sex and booze. It smelled like New York.
We made our way through the crowd saying hellos and kissed on cheeks as we were handed glasses of champagne.
People were doing lines and smoking hookahs as music bumped.
"Aye Oh! Party's here!" Some random guy said. "Stassi! Good to see you back in the city girl!" He said. I'm sure I've met him before, but I didn't recognize him.
"Dean Bazzio, dads the hedge funder on Wall Street." Kelsey whispered in my ear.
Ah yes. This douche bag.

I sipped my champagne as people came up to us and it didn't feel like how it used to.
I felt a hand on my right shoulder and a head fill in the space between me and Kelseys.
"Ladies.." He said.
It was Harry. He was dressed in a silk shirt and black pants with a glass of scotch and dilated pupils.
"Cherry," He said in my ear. "Glad you're back in the city. Honestly thought you'd be here sooner." And I could feel his smirk against my hair.

"I'm just here for the Expo." I said back and he laughed.
"Always working. You haven't changed." He said. Oh but I have.
"I've missed you you know." He said back holding me from behind and lowering his mouth to my ear.
"I missed you to baby." I said. And when I realized what I said, and that he wasnt who I wished he was, it hit me.

Slipped up and called him baby, now I feel crazy. But he called me Cherry like he used to call me.

"Let's go step outside." He said nodding his head to an exit.
We stepped outside and the cool air knocked the breath out of me.
"I owe you an apology Cherry." He said calling me that again. "You deserved a better goodbye."
"Its fine." I said rubbing my hands on my arms. "I didn't know how to love you right either." The only difference was, while he gave up I never stopped trying to learn how.

I used to be so head over heels for this guy, and now looking at him I resent him because he's not Stiles. He doesn't have his awkward mannerisms or his warm touch or that goofy giggle that made the butterflies flutter. After knowing Stiles, I feel like I'll never see anyone because they're not him.
Nostalgia is a dirty liar. It insists that things were better than they really were.

And right now I missed him. And I missed the way that he saw me, or maybe the way I saw myself. How I saw us.
"I know you know, we weren't meant for each other."
"But I tried." I replied.
He sighed heavily.
Admist the silence, I went into my purse and grabbed my phone. I had to check. It seemed unfair to both of us.

Oh wow. 20 text. 9 missed calls. 6 voice mails. And 4 snapchats. All from Stiles.
"Would you excuse me just for a sec?" I asked nervously.
He didn't say anything and just motioned his hands for me to go right ahead.
I walked a bit away from him on the other side and before I read any message or listened to any voicemail I just called him.
"Hello?!" He said before the first rang finished.

The sound of his voice. Please never let me forget the sound of his voice.

"Hey." I said a bit awkward and unsure.
"How's the city?" He asked.
"It's pretty cold. How's the sunshine?"
"It's been rainy. Seems like you took the sun with you when you left." He said.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
I could almost see the shrug and they head shake when he said, "Nothing. Just came home after school, haven't really done anything since. Except blow your phone up, of course."
"Of course." I joked and it felt like nothing bad had happened. As if we never hurt each other.

"I owe you an apology." I said feeling tears swell up in my eyes. I hardly apologized, I just ignored everything until it passed, or until I was somewhere far away. "For how I acted the other day and Monday. You were just trying to help you didn't deserve that." I admitted. "I guess I just think too much and feel too deeply, it's a dangerous combination."
"It's fine Stassi, I forgive you!" He said and in the corner of my eye I could see Harry sitting with his foot crossed resting on his knee. "But whatever happens please know that I didn't go to that party looking for anything and I wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt you, no matter how upset I was."

I don't know if I truly believed it, or if I just didn't want to think that he would do something like that. But I forgave him too, because life without him really freaking sucks. I find myself pushing everyone else away because they aren't him. And I won't glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me it was kind of like death but I was forced to keep living.

"I think I just like to ruin good things for me, because I don't, well I know I don't deserve you."
"I can't do the things you and Scott can. I can't protect you the way I wished I could from these things. But if I could save you from yourself I will. Over and over again. Just let me take care of you." He said.
"It's rotten work." I joked.

"Not to me. Not if it's you."