Choosing this song to represent this chapter was no joke, but 'War Baby' by Roddy Ricch was literally perfect for the thoughts Fuckshit will be reflecting on this particular chapter. The lyrics are fire and the words are soooooo wise!!!
The song is about living in a war zone & just trying to survive & overcome the adversities life throws.
It can apply to not only what Fuckshit is going through, but what everyone around them is dealing with (The choir towards the end is really unexpected, especially with it being rap, but it goes to show that it's the whole hood that's trying not to bend and break)
It's about the soul never dying & that the worst conditions make a champion.
(There's no official video for the song, but I feel like the video below is a nice visual & captures the life Fuckshit & Ray are trying so hard to make it out of)
They just didn't understand.
Fuckshit took a long drag from his blunt, looking out at the afternoon sky; The purple and oranges, blending harshly into each other, while the pink and yellow smoothed the whole sky out. It was beautiful, and it undoubtedly put his mind at ease to think that the world was so big.
It was a twisted way of thinking about life.
That across the universe, his problems really didn't even matter at all. He liked that particular perception of the world; That no matter the choices he made, in the end, he was to no purpose on the account of the earth, its planets, and the damn galaxies.
Sitting among the grassy hills in this particular park has always helped to clear his mind.
No matter how hard life got and how much it changed, that park would always be there to keep him grounded.
Times were much simpler back then, he thought.
They were from the bottom of the bottom, and with growing up in a place like they did, there was no other way than up.
When they were younger, Fuckshit and Ray would sit on the very same hill, just talking about the future. That they would make it out of the hood; Going to all kinds of places, skating in Paris, and Barcelona, just traveling around the world.
And now with how everything is turning out...
He sighed, he didn't want to think about it.
"Thought you'd be here."
Fuckshit turned his head, seeing his friend Ray walk towards him, eventually bending to sit, and claiming the spot next to Fuckshit.
He took another drag and nudged the blunt over to Ray and offered it. Ray reached out his hand and pinched the end, bringing it slowly to his mouth.
It was quiet and peaceful, and it felt good to have someone there.
When it came to comforting someone, Ray was the kind to offer his presence rather than his words.
And although people like to believe the idea that words don't mean a thing, it was never true to begin with.
Words hold a certain power, and Ray knew that.
With the particular situation that happened a few days back, Ray knew he'd regret not saying anything at all, especially if there was even the slightest possibility of preventing instances of the same thing happening again.
Ray exhaled and passed it back.
"You're going through tough shit," he announced looking at the sky. "But throwing your life away? It isn't an option." Ray placed his hands behind him against the hill and leaned back for support.
Fuckshit inhaled deeply, examining the ashes slowly burning the roll. His emotions swirled from within him, burning like the blunt he was holding, passing through every part of his body until he felt like he had burned all the way through, being nothing at all.
He needed to get a fucking grip.
Ray gave a tired chuckle. "Man, we really just used to come out here and talk, bout what we wanted to do, how we were gonna make it out with skating... traveling the fucking world," Ray laughed, reminiscing and looking at his friend who kept his head low.
Ray looked back at the sky. "Whatever happened to all that?" he wondered out loud.
The plan had always been to live life, have fun, and it was supposed to happen with the other person right beside them.
Skating was everything to them, it was like their ticket out. Kids in their neighborhood would've killed for a chance like they had, but instead, they faced the possibility of becoming another statistic: of being another victim of homicide or addiction.
Just another guy who knocks a girl up and leaves them, while a few end up sleeping in the streets.
As Ray and Fuckshit grew older, they realized how many people around them felt stuck and hopeless, a sentiment they promised they would overcome.
It was quiet.
The gentle breeze that ruffled the leaves being the only thing heard, and the occasional car passing by on the road only seemed to amplify the silence.
Fuckshit stayed uncomfortably still, like every part of his body was struggling for self-control. It was in that moment he felt an ache throughout his body that diffused with every moment of silence; it was everything that built up: disappointment, anger, confusion, and anxiety.
He didn't know how to answer Ray's question until he looked at the sky, which helped somewhat to gather his jumbled thoughts.
"Why should I even keep trying? I just fuck everything up." After passing the blunt, there was a moment reserved for his thoughts, then Fuckshit broke down quietly, grabbing a fistful of hair in frustration and leaning forward with his head on his hands, tearing up.
Although he had his friends, it seemed like he spent every day full of losses; alone.
Fuckshit sighed and looked at Ray, shaking his head. "Just feels like nobody sees me...my own fucking family doesn't even care.." he left off.
To Fuckshit, it seemed like he was facing a war, all alone.
But his best-friends were there for him, and at the end of the day, they were gonna get through it together, even if it meant Ray had to be the one to speak some uncomfortable truths.
"Fuck your parents. You got it worse, having us. Now everyone's on your ass about doing better," Ray chuckled, in hopes of getting through to his friend.
"It might be annoying as hell..." Ray started. "...But it's really only because we see more in you than you're seeing in yourself," He pointed out, now sitting up in position.
Fuckshit let his friend's words absorb into his mind.
Fuckshit knew he needed to be better, but he was shutting down, and it felt like he couldn't do anything until the uneasy feeling passed.
The sun was lowering at a quicker pace now, a blue hue unfurling into the clouds.
"Okay, but where was our invite?" a voice called out in offense.
The two boys turned around to face Estee with a hand on her hip, and Ashley, who followed trail right behind her.
Ray smiled, and reached out his hand, pulling Estee in, to sit right beside him, and giving her a peck on the cheek. She shrieked, playfully pushing his face away and scrunching her nose up in disgust, which resulted in him pulling her closer and kissing her on the lips this time.
"Get a room," Fuckshit scoffed at the two, rolling his eyes. "Oh, shut up Fuckface," Estee insulted, waving him off.
The wind began to start up, and in hopes of keeping in some of the warmth, caused Ashley to pull her sweater on tighter to her body.
Finally, Ashley gently took a seat next to Fuckshit, greeting him by giving a small smile.
In all honesty, she wasn't sure if Fuckshit was mad at her for calling him out yesterday, especially in front of his new group of friends. But her question was soon answered when Fuckshit smiled back and passed her the blunt.
Figuring she needed a little extra help to calm her mind, especially after the stressful events this past week, Ashley took it and drew it in. As she smoked and inhaled, she caught a glimpse of Fuckshit studying her, which caused her to turn her hand and exhale the smoke in his face jokingly.
He shut his eyes as the smoke waved over his face, cascading down his hair. Ashley laughed at the sight and passed it back to him.
Fuckshit opened his mouth as if to say something, but his attention was diverted when Estee and Ray got up together, with Ray excusing them by announcing they were gonna make out, which earned a slap on the shoulder from Estee.
Ashley groaned in playful disgust, ripping a chunk of grass and throwing it at the couple. "Ay, she's mine tomorrow," Ashley reminded Ray, referring to much needed girl time.
Ray put up a casual thumbs up and continued walking down the hill with Estee in hand.
Ashley shook her head at the couple and turned her back, continuing to rip little pieces of grass.
Fuckshit's attention was all on her.
Her brown hair looked almost purple in the light and the dark blue sky only intensified her as a whole. His eyes scanned amongst every one of her features, taking his time as if wanting to memorize her to perfection.
In that space nor time, he could neither breath or swallow.
Ashley could sense him staring at her from her peripherals.
"I'm surprised you haven't picked out whatever it is that's on me," she replied, picking up the piece of grass she had torn and tossing the piece at his face to break his gaze away from her.
"What?" Fuckshit asked dumbfoundedly. Ashley stared at him as if he should have understood what she said. "Well, why're you looking at me like that?" she questioned.
Because you're pretty.
Ashley began to look at her hair, to see if there was something in it. "Fuckshit- why're you looking at me like that?" she repeated, more panicked this time.
"Like what?" Fuckshit questioned.
Like she was his everything? That he couldn't help it and didn't know how else to look at her?
She was looking over her hair now, trying to shake off whatever it was, until Fuckshit chuckled and eventually grabbed her hand to stop her.
Fuck. Shit, he thought.
It's like they were stuck in space, just staring into each other's eyes, both anticipating what was going to happen next.
Their heart rates increased, every pump of blood pulsating with such strength they thought their veins would explode.
Fuckshit leaned in closer, wanting to feel the sensation of her soft lips again. The pull she had on him was incredibly strong, no matter who or what he tried to replace the feeling of what she gave him; nothing would ever come close to comparing.
It had to come right from the source.
So he leaned in, finding himself soon relaxed as he felt her soft lips on his. Everything slowed down, and from the past days of high rolling emotions, he finally was able to experience a moment of peace.
She was about to kiss back when she remembered their conversation from Spencer's party.
She opened her eyes and abruptly pulled away, looking down at the grass. Fuckshit was still leaned in, with a confused look now planted on his face.
"You don't like me, remember?" she chuckled reminding him of his own words, then finding that her smile faded away into a sadder expression.
She didn't wanna be led on, and if Fuckshit really did like her, he would have gone against his words and corrected them by now.
Without even letting the chance of Fuckshit saying anything, she propped herself up and stood up for both of their sakes.
She was supposed to be there as his friend, and she left that day, without any doubt, knowing that's what she remained.
☆.。.:*・・°★.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°*・°☆.。.:*・°
All I have to say is
Roddy Ricch went hard af wit 'War Baby'