God, I hate myself.
Leo couldn't cry anymore. He had to calm himself down. But he simply couldn't. Dinner should be for about half an hour, and that meant he would need to come in the dining room, where he would be surrounded by his brothers and his father. Their contemptuous looks.
No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!
Stop it. You need to be brave. What kind of a person you are? Weak. Coward. Stupid. NO! Shut up!
His mind was racing. One half of him kept telling him that he was no coward, that they don't hate him. The other was telling him the so-called truth about him. The problem was that the other part's voice, the one who told him he deserved terrible punishments for his behaviour, grew stronger. He almost couldn't hear the weaker half anymore.
The turtle with a blue bandana joined his family at the table. He avoided their looks, being afraid he'll break in front of everybody if he catches an ugly look in his direction. Everyone was unusually quiet, not even Mikey joked around like usual. Leo ate his meal with no appetite at all, but he knew he would get weird looks if he doesn't finish his plate, like he always did.
"My sons, I wanted to tell you something."
Leo almost choked on his food. He covered it up with a quick cough.
"We all know what happened yesterday."
Leo didn't even realize his hand was shaking.
"I hope we will be able to leave that event behind us, and I would appreciate it if there was no blaming each other."
His brothers nodded. Leo kept his head down even while nodding. He didn't notice the worried look Splinter had while watching him.
"Fucking idiot. I know what dad said, no blaming each other, but really?! Why the fuck did he act like that?!"
"Shut it, Raph. You are too loud. But yeah, I don't understand how could Leo be so stupid. It annoys me, you know. He is the goddamn leader! He should have been more considerate."
"Exactly! And Mikey is injured because of him! Jerk!"
Leo moved from the door where the two turtles argued. He couldn't listen anymore. The pain in his chest was unbearable. He went to his room again, tears making wet stains on his face. He was right, Donnie was just pretending to be nice to him.
The katanas on the wall were shining joyfully. Like they were calling him to use them. He turned his head away. On his nightstand, there was a knife. The one he kept close to him in a fight, in case something happened to his katanas. He took it in his hand, playing with it. Does it get better if you do it? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to do it. But why was he still holding the knife, then?
Do it. You deserve it.
He is right. The pain in his chest only grew stronger. He could barely breathe.
Why does it hurt so much?
It's your guilt.
Leo slowly pressed the blade to his hand. Will the pain in his chest get better? He pressed the blade stronger. It was very sharp, and the first drops of blood could be seen. I deserve it. I am a burden. I am not worthy of being a leader. I deserve it. It's a small punishment, I deserve a bigger one, but for now, let's keep it like this.
Before he knew it, the metallic aroma of blood surrounded him, and a puddle of a warm, red liquid laid beneath him.
Shit. I should have been more careful. I have to clean this up before someone notices.
His arm pulsated painfully, but the pain in his chest decreased a bit. He got up, feeling naseous. His hand was bleeding strongly, and he managed to find some bandages. He replaced his usual hand wraps with the new ones. He knew no one would ask him about the wrapped hand, because he always had them wrapped. Leo took a paper towel, trying to soak the blood from the floor. He managed to remove the most of it now. He was safe.
Unusually cheerful, Leo came into the living room. He needed everyone to look at him and think everything is fine. Splinter, on the other side of the room, scanned his son's expression. He seemed happy. "I guess he's okay."
Leo spent the evening watching TV. His brothers were next to him, sending him angry glances ocassionally. He wasn't actually looking at the show, he was just staring into nothing. Thinking. Aching. But he showed nothing. His face had to stay focused and peaceful. When it was time to go to sleep, he got up, wished his family a good night and went to his room. As soon as he got there, his happy expression faded. He tried not to think about his arm. Something was mentally dragging him to cut more.
You should do it again. Your family was angry at your presence. Don't trust me? Remember how they looked at you. Do it. Now.
Leo woke up. It was morning. At first, everything seemed normal. Then, he felt a strange pain in his arm. He tried to lift it, but he couldn't do it without feeling strong, paralyzing pain. Groaning, he looked at his arm. He wished he didn't. It was covered in blood, and three very, very deep cuts found a place on his forearm. His matress was stained, his blanket as well.
Remember? You did it yesterday. You fell asleep, idiot. Someone could have came in. Do you know in how much trouble would you find yourself?! God, you are stupid.
How the fuck is he supposed to clean all of this up? Again, he showed how stupid and reckless he is. He should have thought about the consequences of cutting himself that deep! It was obvious he will pass out! With a sigh, he cleaned his hand and wrapped it. He removed the knife from sight. Just when he started cleaning the room, he heard the door opening.
"What. The. Fuck. Happened?!"
Leo jumped at the loud sound. Raph was standing in the doorway, face unreadable. Leo's eyes widened, and he tried to make a beliavable excuse for the scenery in front of his brother.
"Well, I highly doubt you got your period, and as much as I know, you didn't get into a fight. So? What is it?"
Leo looked at his brother. His heart was beating fast.
"I accidentally cut my arm when i was looking for my comics in the drawer. A sharp piece of glass was inside, and I kinda just swiped across it. Then I panicked and put my hand on the bed."
His words sounded idiotic to him. Raph obviously shared that opinion with him. He sneered at Leo.
"You panicked? That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You are a fucking ninja, why would you panic because you accidentally cut yourself? And why would you put your hand to the bed after? You simply don't make sense. But honestly, I don't care. Bleed. Whatever."
Raph rolled his eyes and got out of the room. Leo knelt on the carpet, vision clouded.
You heard him. He doesn't care. He wants you to bleed. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care.