I left the house- I got myself a condo. I asked for Taylor's help since her parents own a lot of buildings. Luckily, she had one in mind. Not too expensive, but not too cheap either. I just needed out of that house. Every time. Every second. It felt like torture.
I can do this.
I'm better off alone.
Wala naman ata akong babalikan dito...sana 'di na lang pala ako umuwi. I just got worse. I feel worse.
Before, I said...I didn't know how Aly felt like...being hated by her family? She really hid it well. There was a point that I thought she never cared about them...pero just like now, no matter how much I say to myself na it's fine...there is always a part of you craving for a familial love...attention...no matter how small, or even if you don't know them that much...para gusto mo pa 'din maramdaman.
I might have not fully felt what Alyana was feeling but I did know what if felt like to be abandoned by the people who were supposed to catch me.
And trust me.
It's painful.
It makes you doubt yourself.
Like saan ba ako nagkamali? Was I not enough? Did I do something wrong?
They said time heals everything, they also said that soon you'll be better. I've heard that a lot of times- from my family to my friends, even strangers who'll randomly come up to you to talk.
I've heard that too much, that I started thinking...
Does time really heal you?
If yes, then why am I still not okay?
Do I need more time?
Do I have to do better?
Or is it because I'll never be okay?
Not in this lifetime.
Not when I know he's somewhere in this world...and he's not mine to love
Not anymore.
I am walking down at my favorite place in the city- our place...
This used to make me feel safe and happy. Whenever I'm here, a smile will always creep on my face...and he'll always be there for me.
It's a safe haven. One that can make me forget about everything.
But now...
It's different...All I see is love that was made.
It's hard.
The person who makes you happy has the most ability to break you at the same time.
It's too ironic.
It's funny how something can easily rip your heart open...right?
Once look. One-touch. One word. And everything starts to crumble down.
Ang daya. Sobrang daya.
***
The wind breezed into my face, my body starting to shiver from the cold air.
Nakakamiss pala...sobra.
It's been...huh, years- a lot of years.
Napatawa ako ng mahina sa sarili ko. Ang tagal na pala. Parang hindi naman. Fresh pa 'din kasi 'e.
I just got back from London yesterday. I've been gone for almost....5 years? I left after graduating college and went to med school in London.
I was supposed to come back.
But I do not feel like I belong here...
Thomas wanted me home, he said I am needed here, edi no choice. Siya na nag-sabi 'e. It was settled before I was even informed. Pero parang ayaw niya naman sa akin- parang ako lang excited na makita sila.
But it's fine...residency program here may not be like in London...but it's nice. It offered a lot and I got to serve the Philippines...somehow.
But It feels like I wasted a great opportunity...
I topped the licensure exam in the UK. I got the degree of MBBS, and I did some research to attain MD.
Sayang...
Pero dito naman ako mag-tratrabaho e, di 'din sayang...
Nakatanggap naman ako ng offer ng residency from different prestigious hospitals...St Luke’s, Manila Doctors, Medical City, and a lot pa.
Pag-iisipan ko na lang bukas o... bahala na.
Pero sa AE na talaga gusto ko.
I felt nostalgia when I saw everything.
And then it came rushing back.
The thing about heartbreak is it's never gone. It'll be there inside getting heavier and heavier until you get used to it until you learn to live with it.
Natatakpan lang siya ng ibang emosyon pero once na na naalala mo... back to square one.
I know I've asked these questions almost every day but I just really want to know...
How is he?
Is he now a Lawyer?
Well, I hope so.
I wish for him to be happy.
I hugged myself tightly to feel a little bit of warmth. Ang lamig pala dito ngayon, sana bukas na lang ako pumunta.
My eyes caught the familiar scene.
Diyan kami lagi dati, a...
I did not know how I manage to walk myself there.
Kaya ko pala.
When I got there, I spread my handkerchief and sat on it. Madumi kasi 'yung grass, hindi na naasikaso. Seems like no one has been here for years, masyado nang napabayaan ang lugar. I ran my fingertips along the green grass, inhaling its familiar scent, hmm... Walang pag-babago dito, ganun pa din. Just like how we left it.
And there it goes.
I'll let myself for now.
I'll just...I'll be fine.
Does he even go here? Okay na kaya siya?
Naiisip niya kaya ako?
And the only question that can make my heart break into million pieces is now lingering on my mind.
Does he still love me?
I've got a lot of questions, gusto’ng gusto ko malaman ang sagot pero alam ko na hindi pwede. Kahit gaano ko ka-gusto, hindi na pwede siguro.
It's too late.
Sometimes it's better to leave things just as it is, kasi the more you try to fix it, the more it breaks. It's been years, 5 years. But not a day passed by that I did not think of him. I'm longing to find him next in my bed whenever I wake up at 3 am. I just want to hold him in my arms. He's always there like freaking torture, making me remember things that I wish I could change.
It's been years...
But it's still him.
Lagi naman siya.
****
The sun is down, I've been here for too long. I need to go now; they're waiting for me.
Tumayo ako sa pagkaka-upo, pinagpag ko ang likod ko. I roamed my eyes around the place once more.
I'm going to miss this.
Maybe it’s better if I’ll just let things be as it is. Go with the flow. If we’re meant to see each other, It’ll happen. If not then…we’re not meant to be. If he’s a lesson for me, I don’t think it’s any good. I’ll be afraid to love again—kapag lesson lang siya sa buhay ko hindi ko matatanggap kasi mas gugustuhin ko na lang tumanda ng mag-isa, instead na wala siya.
What kind of lesson is that?
I just want to go home. I want to go home. But home doesn’t feel like home. I just want to be somewhere I belong.
I was walking when I heard noises around me... someone is here? I didn’t know that people go here pala. I thought it was just us. I ignored the ruffling sounds. I continued walking away from the swing but then I saw something so familiar—the kind that brings you back to the old times.
Sana coincidence lang.
I don’t want to hope.
It’s too heavy for me.
The car is parked near the trees. Geez, I always go against my words. Sabi ko sana coincidence lang pero now I see myself going near enough the car—but not enough to be noticed. Medyo maliwanag ang ilaw so nasisilaw ako. I waited for my vision to be clear and looked at it again...
Oh, God…
Oh, My God.
Shit…
I felt my body become rigid; my heart pounded against my chest. I’m having cold sweats, it's cold. Too cold. To say that I fell in love with him once is an understatement. I never stopped loving, Maven. I fall in love with him every time I look at him—everything about him…but seeing him will always hurt.
No, I can't be wrong.
I can't be.
Kilala ko yun...kilalang kilala.
Red car.
Exact type.
Plate number.
The mark...it's still there.
And suddenly the car opened and he got out.
I chuckled. He is here. Nandito na siya sa harap ko. Pero ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit. I want to be happy—I feel happy…pero mas nangingibabaw ‘yung sakit.
God, why does this hurt so much?
I’m not sure if he noticed me since he went straight towards the place.
I can only say one thing.
He changed. He looks even better now. But I know…that he changed towards me. Maven’s always been better than me. Even before, I knew that if we’ll break up—he’ll do better.
I’m not like him. I’m not a natural. I always have to try. Will I let him see me? A part of me wishes that he went here hoping he’ll see me…pero ayoko ‘din. Ang tanga lang. Diba gusto ko siya makita? ‘Tas ngayon nag-iinarte ako?
What do I really want, huh?
I need to go. This can't happen...not now. I don’t feel ready. I turned my back and was about to walk away, each step I take leads me away from him, each step breaks my heart into pieces.
Fuck, my heart is broken into pieces…and yet, I still managed to love him with those pieces, with the uncertainty…each day, I love him even more even if he’s not around.
I looked up and wiped my forming tears. Aalis na ba talaga ako? Maybe Thomas is right. I’m not strong.
And then suddenly…
He spoke...
Fuck.
Natulala ako.
Nanigas ako.
He noticed me.
Goddamit! Now, I’m having mixed feelings. Kabado naman ako ngayon.
Elyse! Fuck! Grow up!
His voice.
I miss that sound, so much that it hurts.
"Hey, Miss? Are you okay?" He asked, trying to peek behind the bright lights, to see who is it.
Don't, please…
You might regret looking.
This is what no one talks about. No one talks about what it is like to see them again for the first time. Your heart drops, you start sweating, you wonder if they notice you.
They look exactly the same but everything about them, about you, both- isn't the person you knew.
Should I run? Or do I face him?
"Miss, wait. Are you okay? Do you need a ride home?" he asked, persistent this time.
I told myself when I'm ready, I'll see you, but then... I don't think I'll ever be ready so might as well do this. I slowly turned my body to face him.
The light was bright, I don't know if nakikita niya ako ng maayos dahil sa nakakasilaw na ilaw, but then everything was clear now. There it goes. It happened. In one look. Everything came rushing back.
Memories.
I saw his eyes. That piercing brown eyes.
His lips parted, as his eyes dazed in confusion. He's surprised to see me but quickly recovered.
My heart leaped with joy and confusion when he started walking towards me.
I can escape now, my chance pa...
Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya. Ganun din siya. I froze.
For the first time in years makikita ko na ulit siya nang malapitan.
What do I say? What do I do?
Shit, hindi ko alam kung saan mag sisimula! Nang nakalapit na siya sakin, our eyes locked to each other.
"Elyse," he mentioned my name. He said my name. Relief washed over me. Kilala niya ako, hindi niya ako kinalimutan.
"M-maven..." I said, almost a whisper. My voice starting to croak. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko talaga kaya, please. It hurts. Sobrang sakit. His eyes soften into mine, hindi niya inaalis ang tingin. It's like he is hypnotizing me.
"It’s been years," He said, smiling bitterly at me. He did not even stutter. Sobrang composed niya…bakit? Is it because he’s moved on?
Yes, 5 years...and it’s still him. I can't. I can't live knowing that he is somewhere in this world and he’s not mine. I know this sounds stupid- crazy even. But I'm not okay with this. And I'm so done pretending I am. I'll be strong now. I’ll take the chances- I must. Even if it means getting hurt all over again.
Kahit walang kasiguraduhan.
This is our last hope.
Our burning hope.
***
“How are you?” I asked, holding the cup of coffee in my hand tightly. I’m not sure how I got here. Basta nasa car niya ako. Eto pa ‘din ‘yung car. Same lang. Pero iba na ‘yung ayos. Ang linis na sobra, iba na ‘din yung design ng loob. Maganda naman. Hindi lang siguro ako sanay. More importantly…why am I talking about his car!? So stupid, Elyse. So, fucking stupid.
“I’m fine,” he replied. And that made me irk. Ang tipid, legit. Nakakainis. Ayaw niya siguro ako kausap. I feel so small here, it’s like I’m fading away slowly and trapped in an endless vacuum of space. I’m not even sure if I said that right! Nakakainis. Why did he offer to take me home!? Out of pity ba or dahil may sasabihin siya? Or dahil full of manners pa ‘din siya?
“Ah, okay…” sabi ko na lang kasi ano bang sasabihin ko? I love you? I’m sorry? Love mo pa ba ko? Ew. Ang corny super. Next time ko na lang tatanungin. Kapag ready na siya sa confrontation.
“So, you’re back, huh?” he uttered, sounding a bit sarcastic. I mentally rolled my eyes. He knows I’m back so why is he saying this crap?
I nodded, smiling, “Yeah, just got back yesterday,” I faked a chuckle. Grabe, ang awkward pala. Before, I used to imagine that he’ll pick me up at the airport with a welcome of open arms…imagination ko lang pala.
“It’s late, I’ll drive you home now. Same place?” He spoke. Naiinis ako sa pagka-casual niya ng sobra. Naiiyak ako sa inis pero naiiyak na ‘din ako kasi ang dali sa kaniya mag tanong na parang wala lang.
I shook my head, holding the cup tight since my hands felt too cold and fragile.
“Uh, no. I’ll show you the way na lang…thank you,” Nahihiya ‘kong sabi.
He pursed his lip and nodded. He didn’t say anything, Maven just started the engine and drove while I punched the location on the screen. Ang weird kasi kapag ituturo ko sa kaniya…hindi na naman kami close para mag-usap. Sabi ko kanina, I’ll try again. Pero hindi muna today, ayoko mabigla siya. Siguro, next meeting.
***
The whole drive was hell!
He never spoke a word. He didn’t look affected.
Ako lang ata affected sa amin!
Parang gusto ko na lumubog sa katahimikan.
What’s worse is traffic! Ang traffic talaga sa Phillipinnes. Hindi marunong makisama. Kita na ‘ngang hirap na hirap na ako.
“Elyse,” he suddenly spoke, and my heart leaped. Oh, my god. Are we gonna have the talk na? Okay, I am nervous. Sana naman hindi masyadong masakit ‘yung mga sasabihin niya. Ayoko umiyak sa harap niya. Ang panget. We just met again and I’ll welcome him with tears?
“Hmm?” I acted calm.
“Uh, I’m sorry…” he started...oh my god. Ang lakas ng kabog ng heart ko. “But uh, I have an early meeting tomorrow with a client. I have to do a lot of things tonight.”
Okay…
And he is telling me this because?
I shut my mouth and waited for him to continue. He looks rather sorry…pero not the sorry that I’m hoping to see…the kind that you’re sorry since you’re embarrassed.
And it hit me.
“It’s really traffic, Elyse—”
“Oh, my god. I understand, omg,” I laughed, trying to keep the atmosphere light, “I can get myself a cab don’t worry, it’s fine.” I laughed again.
Fuck. Traffic na 'nga. Mag-isa pa ako uuwi.
“Elyse—”
“Uh, just pull the car to the side,” I pointed near the café, “I can take it from there.”
“Elyse, I’m sorry—”
“Geez, it’s alright, Maven. Really it is,” I showed him one of the biggest smiles I can come up with. I might look weird but I didn’t care about that.
He didn’t say anything and I acted to be texting someone, like grab. Pero wala akong data and load. So…I’ll just wing it. Never mind. I can ask people naman how to get to my condo. Sorry, I’m really bad at directions.
Maven pulled the car on the nearest café; I immediately held on the handle and opened the door to get out. Syempre, I have manners pa ‘din naman so I ducked inside the car.
I smiled at him, “Thanks for the ride. Drive safe,” sabi ko bago isara ‘yung pinto. May sasabihin pa yata siya pero hindi ko na hinintay. Nakakahiya, grabe!
I didn’t look back. I just walked and walked. When I got far from his sight, nag tago ako agad sa gilid. I pressed my back on the wall and held my chest.
Grabe, ang sakit.
Iniwan niya talaga ako mag-isa?
He won’t do that before…
So...it really changed, huh?
Kasi ‘kung kaya niya ako pauuwiin mag-isa, hindi ko na kayang isipin ‘yung mga ibang bagay na kaya niya pang gawin.