I gasped as I woke up in a pile of sweat. My breathing was erratic and my heart was racing as I checked the alarm clock. 6:52. I took a deep breath as I tried to remember the nightmare that had woken up from my slumber but I couldn't recall it. I sighed in defeat and just gave up.
My eyes felt extremely heavy like they always do now. It was completely normal for me to wake up this way because I cried myself to sleep most nights and would wake up abruptly most mornings. It also didn't help that I didn't get to sleep until 5. I shut off the alarm before stretching out my tense muscles.
I took a deep heavy breath to prepare myself for the torture that they call school. I didn't have a bad time of it. I was lucky really...I managed to keep my head down and keep reserved to my small group of friends. We weren't popular but we never really got bullied or picked on.
So, I should be happy right? Wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. My parents love me and my friends seem to like me and I have a good life. But for as long as I've remembered, I've hated myself.
I wasn't good looking at all. I was pale and skinny with ginger hair that swept across my face. It was good to hide behind and shield myself from the world. Even though my friends had never ditched me, I was constantly worrying about upsetting them or doing something to make them hate me.
Have you ever looked around a group of your friends and thought, I don't contribute anything here, would they even notice if I was gone? Because that was constantly on my mind. I'm a boring person who can be incredibly selfish sometimes; no-one deserves to put up with my shit.
I was pretty quiet in fear of upsetting them and when I did talk, I would go home and wish that I hadn't bothered because I was just a nuisance.
I changed into my Pink Floyd t-shirt and my black skinnies before grabbing my school bag. I was early but, I would just take the long way to school. Even though it was probably a bad idea because when I'm left alone, I think.
And my thoughts aren't exactly pretty. I bounded down the stairs to see my parents already sat at the table eating breakfast. It was time for the charade to kick in.
"Hey," I fake smiled at them.
"Hi Alan," my mom smiled cheerfully, "Do you want some breakfast sweetie?"
"Nah, I'm good," I shrugged.
"You should eat something, you're skinny enough as it is," My dad encouraged.
He was right. I was too fucking skinny but no matter how much I ate, I couldn't put weight on. My body was so frustrating and I wish that I could just look healthier but I can't.
I nodded at my dad before picking up a slice of toast, "Okay...I'm going to school."
"Not without a kiss," My mother walked over to me.
I smiled down at her as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I held tightly onto her appreciating just how great she really was. She deserved a much better son than me. She deserved someone who loved life and was full of energy. But instead she got me.
She kissed my cheek, "Have a good day."
"Thanks, I will," I smiled before waving goodbye to my dad.
As soon as I opened the door, I breathed a sigh of relief. Have a good day. I haven't had one of those in months.
***
I walked into the school halls way too early but there were already a few people there. I stood by my locker and plugged my earphones in to block the world out. I must have been stood there for about ten minutes when a tap on my shoulder made me jump.
"Woah, it's just me man," my friend Aaron chuckled.
"Oh...hey," I smiled at him.
"You're here early," he poked my sides.
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep," I replied.
"Yeah, I can tell," he looked at me, "You look like shit, did you get like any sleep?"
Even though I knew that he meant it in a concerning way, I couldn't help but concentrate on the fact that I looked like shit. Did I just look overtired or did I genuinely look disgusting. See...I overthink everything.
"I got a little sleep," I shrugged.
"Well you should get some more...you've got to look fresh for the girls," he winked at me.
I rolled my eyes at him. Aaron was obsessed with girls, so were the other guys really. Me on the other hand preferred my girls to have a bit more of a penis. Yeah, I'm gay and firmly in the closet. I have a hard enough time making friends as it is never mind if I came out.
I was perfectly happy with being invisible and I don't think I could handle it if I got bullied. So for now...no-one will know.
More people started to arrive along with my other two friends Lucas and Jaime. Jaime seemed to be practically jumping with excitement. He was so enthusiastic about everything that it was really funny sometimes.
"Hey! Have you guys heard?" Jaime asked us as soon as he arrived.
"Heard what?" Lucas asked.
"Austin Carlile is back in town!" Jaime exclaimed.
"No fucking way," The colour drained from Aaron's face, "Is he even allowed back here?"
"Guys, don't listen to the rumours," Lucas scoffed.
I was confused, "Erm...who's Austin Carlile?"
"Oh! I completely forgot that it was before you moved here," Jaime replied.
I had moved from San Diego to San Jose about two years ago when I was 15, so something obviously must have happened before I'd moved.
"Anyway-," Jaime begun.
"No, you are not telling this story," Lucas interrupted, "You base it on rumours whereas I'll base it on facts."
"Try and sugar-coat all you want Lucas but everyone knows what really happened..." Aaron rolled his eyes.
Lucas shot him a glare, "Tino was best friends with Austin remember? He knows what actually happened..."
Tino was Lucas's older brother, I'd met him a few times and he seemed cool if not a little quiet.
"Yeah but they were close, Tino is obviously going to lie," Aaron said, "I'm telling this story."
I waited impatiently.
"Okay, so it happened about three years ago," Aaron started, "Austin was a junior at this school along with Tino. It was that same year where his mom had died and Austin didn't take it that well...he turned to gambling and drinking to try and forget things.
There were rumours that Austin had spent all of his dad's money and ended up in trouble with loan sharks. One night, Austin went to one of those backstreet casinos where he actually won some money, but the guys refused to pay it. So, Austin...beat the shit out of them."
I gasped in shock as Aaron continued, "But he didn't just beat the shit out of them...he ended up beating two of them up so bad that they...well, died."
My jaw dropped as I stuttered, "By himself?"
"He's 6ft 4" and although he's skinny...he's ruthless-," Aaron explained.
"He was not ruthless," Lucas rolled his eyes.
"What happened to Austin?" I whispered.
"He tried to claim that it was self-defence," Jaime jumped in, "He was only 17 so he got sent to Juvenile Detention but he got released a few months later because they actually bought that bullshit self-defence story.
Then...he moved away. He saw that everyone knew the truth so he moved away to get a fresh-."
"That is so not what happened!" Lucas glared at Jaime, "What really happened-."
The bell rang interrupting Lucas. We all headed off in separate directions to our classes but all I could think about was that story. If there was a killer back in town, I would be pretty scared too. But, there seemed to be more to the story and I was never one for rumours.
But two men still died and anyone capable of that...must have something dark inside of them. Something darker than even my demons.
***
"Do you want to come over and play some video games?" Lucas asked me.
It was the end of the day and honestly all I wanted to do was to go home and maybe play some guitar. It was exhausting enough to be all smiley at school never mind keeping up with a few more hours.
"Erm...I have some homework that's due tomorrow," I lied.
Lucas just shrugged, "That sucks. Well, I'll see you tomorrow..."
"Yeah, sure," I waved before walking out of the school.
I walked out the back way so that I could avoid as many people as I possibly could. It was pretty hot out so I decided that I might be good to spend some time in my favourite place. It was just this hill, a couple hundred metres away from the school but no-one ever goes there.
I wasn't walking for very long before I came across it. It had a beautiful view of the skyline and everything looked so peaceful from up here.
I sat down and tucked my knees in so that my chin was resting on them. I fluttered my eyes closed and it suddenly hit me how exhausted I was. I was so mentally drained and the whole not sleeping thing wasn't helping.
I could feel myself drifting off into sleep when a voice said, "Hey, are you okay?"
I jumped in surprise and turned to the figure. He was really tall with jet black hair and kind eyes. He looked about in his early twenties. His body was littered in tattoos and he simply wore a sleeveless shirt with black skinny jeans.
He was very lean but you could tell that his body was toned underneath the clothes. And he was undeniably gorgeous. My heart ached from just looking at him.
"Erm...yeah, I-I'm fine," I stuttered, "I'll just go..."
"No, it's okay," he smiled kindly, "You can stay..."
I didn't know what to do. I was really bad with meeting new people and it would just be plain awkward if we sat there in silence. He sat next to me and my heart started to accelerate. I'm pretty sure I was blushing right now as I couldn't help but stare at him.
"What's your name kid?" He asked.
"Alan..?" It came out as a sort of question.
He sniggered, "Are you sure?"
I couldn't help but smile back at him, his happiness was contagious.
"Yes, I'm sure..."
"So Alan..." he said, "Why are you so glum?"
I looked at him in surprise, "What do you mean?"
"You're obviously upset about something..." He said, "What is it?"
Just myself. I thought but didn't dare say. How did this stranger instantly know that I was unhappy when everyone who was supposed to know me didn't?
"I'm not upset," I denied it.
"Okay..." he bobbed his head up and down, "Then smile for me."
I was baffled, "W-what?"
"If you're not upset...than you should be able to smile easily," he looked at me, "Do it."
I was dumbfounded. I don't even know this guy and he wants me to randomly smile for him? This was really weird.
"I can't just smile..." I whispered, "I have to have something to smile about..."
"And that right there is how I can tell that you're sad," he said, "Happy people don't need an excuse to smile...they can just do it on command. If you have to search for happiness then...you're not happy."
My mind was blown. I'd know this guy for five minutes and he was easily the smartest and most intriguing person I had ever met. How did this random stranger make such a clear observation about me after knowing me for such a short period of time?
"You should write a book..." I whispered.
He burst out laughing as if I was the funniest person he had ever met. I was a little shocked; I'm not funny or interesting. He was probably just being polite.
"I like you, kid," He smiled at me.
"Why?" I asked before I could stop myself. It just sort of slipped out. Oh no...he's going to think that I'm weird. This is why I should keep my damn mouth shut.
He looked at me a little sadly, "What's not to like?"
I blushed crimson and he just chuckled lightly at me.
"Well..." he stood up, "I'll see you around...Alan."
I loved the way my name sounded coming from his perfect pink lips. I found myself just staring at him as he walked away.
"Wait!" I called after him. He turned around to look at me.
"What's your name?" I asked.
He seemed a bit unsure but he answered, "Austin. Austin Carlile."
***