“You think there’s a cure?” I look at Carl.
“Yeah. I thought you did too. You said us finding a cure would be inevitable.” He quotes me.
“That was a long time ago, Carl. I just don’t know what to think. Eugene has some kind of cure, and Abraham wants us to just go to DC with him, and we no nothin’ about the damn cure. It’s like walkin’ on water.” I scoff.
“You need to have hope, Mary.” Carl says.
“Hope; It comes and goes with me.”
“Carl.” Rick calls out to him. I stand up.
“I’ll let yall talk.” I start to walk away.
“No, Mary. You need to here this too.” I nod, and sit beside Carl.
“I don’t trust this guy.” Rick says.
“Neither do I.” I agree.
“Why?” Carl asks confusions scrunched in his face.
“Why do you?” Rick asks.
“Not everyone has to be bad.” I bite my lip from talking. No one is good, though. I don’t think he understands that.
“Well I don’t trust this guy. I think he’s hidin’ something. He could have friends. I need you to stay alert and help Tyreese with Judith. Now, I need you to listen. You are not safe. No matter how many people are around, no matter how clear the area looks, no matter what anyone says, no matter what you think. You are not safe. It only takes one second, one second and it’s over. Never let your guard down. Promise me.” I nod my head.
“I promise. Dad. you’re right. I am strong. We all are. But we’re strong enough that we can still help people. We are strong enough that we don’t have to be afraid, and we don’t have to hide.” Rick nods, and walks away. I hurry behind him, before he leaves.
“Rick!” I call following him. He turns around, and faces me.
“I know you can handle all of this. I know you understand all of this. I know you know we are not safe. I just needed to tell Carl. Having hope is a good thing, but having too much could get you killed. I just need him to know that.” Rick says.
“I think he knows that, but refuses to believe it. Why do you think I can handle, or understand all of this?” I ask. How does he know?
“You’re strong, Mary. I saw it the first day I met you. You ran out to Atlanta, you learned to survive on your own, you found us again. You’re a true survivor.”
“I was only twelve when you met me.” I shake my head, starring down at my feet.
“You were strong then too. You reminded me of Merle at the time. Stubborn.” He laughs, and I laugh agreeing with him. Then, everything goes quiet. Merle. I sigh at the thought of him.
“I just can’t believe he’s dead. It’s been months since he’s died. Maybe, longer. Maybe even a year. Toughest son of a bitch I knew; Merle Dixon. That’s a name you don’t forget.” I shake my head denying any tears from coming.
“Yall better get goin’. I should get inside.” I walk up the steps of the church, and sit alone in the back. Carl said he wanted to look around the church. Daryl, and Carol left, and Tyreese is in the front watching Judith.
He’s dead. He’s dead. Dead! Merle Dixon. It still comes to a shock to me sometimes. I just want to break down, and cry. But I can’t. I can’t let myself fall into despair. I can’t let myself feel it. I don’t want to let myself feel it. Not now. I’m not safe. I will never be safe.
“The most damaged people are the dangerous. They know they can survive.” I say to myself.
“Who said that?” I look up at Tyreese. He holds Judith in his arms.
“My brother, Merle.” I look straight ahead.
“You have another brother?” Tyreese asks, confusion clearly in his deep voice.
“Yeah. He was the oldest. It used to be us three against everyone; anything.” I continue to talk.
“He told me that quote.” I sigh.
“Why did he tell you that?” Tyreese sits down beside me.
“Because all of us Dixon’s are damaged. We have been through a lot. The thing is he wasn’t talkin’ about this. The world endin’. He told me this before everythin’ happened.” I look up at Tyreese. His eyes hold confusion. I let out a sigh. I trust him. I trust everyone here. I can tell him.
“Every day I got a beatin’ from my father. I’d go rushin’ to find Merle, and he’d tell me that. He would say we are survivors. That I would survive my father. Merle and Daryl did. Merle was always in and out of jail, and Daryl was workin’ all day, everyday. Daryl would just hold me, as I cried. Merle would comfort me, and hide me from my father. But one day he was just gone for sixteen months, and all I could do was cry. He had been in jail for punchin’ out some guys front teeth. Believe me when I tell you he got an ear full for puttin’ Merle in jail.” I laugh lightly at the memory.
“He’s dead. I don’t know how he died. I mean it doesn’t feel right for me to be here without him. He was the toughest person I knew. He was a survivor. He should be here.” I look down into my lap. Tears burn in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“It’s okay to cry, Mary.” Tyreese places his hand on my shoulder. I shake my head, but they fall. I wipe them away, quickly, and stand to my feet.
“Walkers didn’t kill him! People are worse then them. We think that they are dangerous, but really we are the dangerous things. The Governor killed him. I was in a coma when he died. I can’t remember the last thing I said to him. All I can remember from my last days with him is gettin’ shot by Rick, and Merle and Glenn, and Michonne all yellin’ at each other. Then, there are these flashes, of him holdin’ me down, as they take the bullet out of me, and there are these voices, but there is no memory of me seeing him.” The tears have evaporated, and I feel my cheeks burn red, and fists tighten.
“Some people can still hear things in a coma. I know what it is like to lose someone. We all have lost someone, but you’re here today. You just need to keep pushing through.” He says, as I pour everything on him.
“He left, and he died. He’s not comin’ back.” I mumble, as I rush outside. I see Carl starring at the church. He nods for me to come over. I stare at him, as he talks. His long brown hair hovers over his face, and his blue eyes sparkle.
“Mary?” He calls.
“Sorry.” I look at the church, and see the scratch marks.
“They’re like knives.” I touch it, and they’re deep.
“That’s what I just said.” He chuckles. I look back at him.
“What?” He asks worried. I shake my head.
“Nothing.” I hug him. His warm body hovers over mine wrapping his arms around me. I rest my head on his chest. A few tears slip out, and I sigh.
“What’s wrong?” Carl pulls me back, and stares into my eyes.
“Are we ever going to get a break? I mean, we have to deal with this now, but once we find a sanctuary, and stay for a while we still think about now. What happens here on the road. You think about everything, everyone we lost. We never get a break.” I sigh, and rest my head on his chest. I look up, and behind him. I see the thing limping at us. Growling hungrily. The stench makes us gag, but Carl shoots it.
“We never get a break.” Carl sighs, his lips press against my forehead, and he brings me inside.
They all come back with cans of food. Daryl and Carol haven’t came back yet. I just need them to come back. I need to know that they’re okay.
“C’mon come eat Mary.” Glenn nods for me to join him, but I refuse. I stay seated at the back of the church peering out the window waiting for Carol and Daryl. There’s nothing. Everything is dark, and all I can see is the trees.
“They’ll be back.” Maggie sits besides me. She hands me a can of corn, and a spoon. I bite my lip, and take the can from her. She smiles, and sits back besides Glenn. Carl sits besides me, and takes the can of corn, and switches it with his can of beans.
“Judith likes corn.” He looks up at me, and feeds Judith. I stare at the little baby in his arms. Nothing is said. Only stares are being exchanged.
Abraham then starts a speech about us being survivors, and switches it back to going to DC. Rick agrees for us to go, but I don’t think there is a cure. But we have no where to go. So going to DC is the one thing we have going for us.
“Where would you go if you could go anywhere before the apocalypse?” Maggie asks.
“Grand Canyon.” Carl answers. Rick and Judith laugh together.
“Where would you be now if this didn’t happen?” Glenn asks.
“At work fighting crime, not walkers.” Rick says. He’d be with Shane, and he’d go home to his wife, Lori.
“I’d be in high school. I would be with friends my age, playing video games.” Carl says.
“What about you Mary? If things didn’t happen like this where do you think you’d be doing?” Maggie asks. I think about the day Merle, and Daryl ran in and picked me up. They would’ve been late if the walkers wouldn’t been roaming the street. My father would’ve rapped me. I would be getting a beating. I shake my head and look away.
“Um.. I’d be in the woods hunting.” It wasn’t a lie, but most of the time I was getting a beating, or running away.
The questions continue, but I just listen, and don’t answer. If the world didn’t end I would have a miserable life. I like to think I would have told someone about my father, but we all knew he would get out of jail, and beat me more. That’s why I never told anyone, and neither did Daryl or Merle. I eventually fall asleep. I don’t remember how, but I wake up. Daryl, and Carol aren’t here still. I get my head off of Carl’s shoulder, and head out to go hunting.
The woods are clear of walkers, but are filled with rabbits, and squirrels. I bring them back to the church, and see everyone awake.
“Where were you?” Maggie rushes over to me.
“Hunting.” I answer.
“Bob’s bit.” She whispers.
“Bit?” The word falls from my mouth.
“Gareth from Terminus took him, and cut off his leg. They were just eating it in front of him.” She says, like a gossip girl.
“How’s Sasha handling it?” I ask a little shaken. She just shakes her head.
“How did they find us?” I ask.
“They have been watching us.” Glenn walks behind Maggie.
“That’s sick. Wait, do they have Carol and Daryl?!” My heart begins to race, and hands start to sweat.
“No. They took off.” Glenn whispers.
“What do you mean? They just took off? Daryl wouldn’t leave me.” I’m all he has.
“I don’t know. They’ll be back.” Maggie hugs me, and walks off with Glenn.
He wouldn’t just leave me would he? He has to come back, right? I mean he has no supplies. I don’t understand why he left.
The days goes by dreadfully, slow. No one has came back yet, and Rick plans on leaving to go find the Termites. It is dark outside when they leave. We all split up, and hide behind the doors. Judith, Gabriel, Carl, and I sit behind the door with our weapons held close to us. I hear the door slam open, and a creaking sound.
“I know you’re in here.” I hear Gareth say.
“I saw Rick and the rest of your group walk out. I know who’s in here.” He says. I look at Judith, and Gabriel. He is praying.
“Tyreese, Rosita, Eugene, Abraham, Mary, Carl, the baby. What's left of Bob.” He says. I could hear the smirk on his face.
“What about the priest!” He adds.
“We will let you and the baby go. You can walk out of here.” I look at Gabriel, and give him a death stare. He shuts his eyes, and stays seated, as his mouth moves quickly praying to the man above. Carl, and I point our weapons at the door. That’s when Judith starts to cry. Carl rushes over to her, and pats her down.
“Maybe, we’ll keep the baby.” He says. Then, I hear footsteps rush in, and the sound of banging. Then, silence. I open the door with my gun raised. Rick is brutally stabbing Gareth’s head. I go back inside, and shake my head.
“Don’t let Judith go out there. She’ll cry.” I warn Carl, and he nods. Gabriel rushes past me.
“This is the lord’s house.” He says his jaw on the ground.
“No this a building with four walls, and a roof.” Maggie says.