Can
I need time, I need to think, but one thing is certain, I won't go further away, I'll go back to Istanbul.
I had already been wandering around the Mediterranean for two months, constantly drowning in self-pity, guilt, anger ... but also the lack, absence, pain and longing for her.
I still couldn't sleep at night, closing my eyes meant allowing the nightmares to take over, the guilt for what I had done to that man was tearing me apart, but slowly I was becoming aware of the fact that I had escaped leaving everything behind without a second glance.
My conscience was calling me to order, I had to take responsibility, if Yigit had to undergo treatment and rehabilitation I would have paid for it.
I had fled like a thief in the night, while now I realized that I had to face the consequences of my actions, I could not run away from my conscience.
Every four to five days I stopped to refuel, touching down briefly in Algeria, Tunisia, Libya and Egypt. The coasts paraded before my eyes all the same while my confused thoughts could not unravel from a tangled skein of different sensations.
The fact that I had already made a decision on how to deal with the consequences of my gesture towards Yigit was already helping me to calm down.
Now I had to face my feelings towards Sanem, my heart still bled at the thought of her lack of trust, but at the same time the episode that happened in Gibraltar was clearly telling me that there could be no one else in my life, her or anyone else.
Could it be that my wounded pride was needlessly condemning me to a life of loneliness and lack?
Could we get past what had happened?
All these questions crowded my head during the long hours of solitary sailing to Cyprus, an island that had always fascinated me enormously and where I had returned several times in recent years.
I had dropped anchor in an enchanting cove, somehow my eyes were beginning to see again the reality that surrounded me, even if everything was seen from the perspective of how those places would appear to Sanem's eyes.
I stayed there for a few days to collect my thoughts, the strong conflicting feelings that had prevented me from thinking clearly immediately after that cursed day had somehow quieted down.
I could reflect with greater clarity and all I could say was that my heart wanted Sanem, suffered greatly from his absence and blamed me for giving up too easily.
If even my actions had frightened her, I should not let my pride rule me, I had to show her that her fears were unfounded.
We loved each other and together we could have overcome anything.
This was the conclusion I finally came to one evening in late October, in front of the most spectacular sunset I had ever seen.
It was as if the idea of going back to her suddenly brought me back to life and I was able to enjoy all the wonderful things around me.
I finally felt like I was breathing again after a long time, I felt my heart get rid of a huge boulder, I had become aware of what was important to me and I realized that it was very easy, I had always known it, it only had a name:
SANEM
This awareness allowed me to finally sleep after months of torment and anguish.
I woke up one morning suddenly ready to go home, to go back to Istanbul, to go back to my Sanem, to go back to her whom, I am now aware, I should never have left.