Saturday, October 10th- 7:55 p.m.
I didn't get another text from him after I left the locker room, and it was calming to be free from him for a bit. When I had to talk to him or even see him, it gave my mind a chance to wander. He was continually giving me reasons to trust him, and I hated that I couldn't. It didn't matter how much he proved himself, everyone I've ever let in only hurt me, and every time I thought about the good he did, I couldn't help but think about the evil too.
And sadly he was tonight's roof thought. Occupying way too much of my mind, he was the only thing I could think of in this moment. I always ended on the same conclusion- you'd already hurt me once. That's all you ever do. It's all they ever do. It'll only get worse from here.
So I tried to think of something else on my mind, but it kept falling back to him, and that's why I thought I was imagining his voice when I heard it.
"Angel," his voice rang out. "Out of the roof again?"
My head flew in the direction his voice came from, and I thought it was all in my head until that authentic green brought me back down to earth. "Yeah," I nodded, looking back away. I didn't know why he was here, and quite frankly, I would have loved it had he left- but a part of me wanted him to stay.
"You're always out here," he stated as he crawled out the window, walking over towards me.
"And you're always breaking into my house to find me," I spat back, a small smile on my face.
"Well, if you're just going to avoid me, I have to do something," he responded as he finally reached me. I scooted away from the wall, giving him a space to sit down. I know how much I originally hated being out in the open up here so I tried to always give Luke the wall side, and now Ashton.
"Or you could take a hint," I laughed, looking over at him.
"You know," he said with a sarcastic tone as he slowly moved to sit down. "I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that."
I laughed to myself, finding it ironic how that was what he was going to ignore. Silence quickly fell between us again as I returned to my original thoughts.
"I don't think I've ever actually heard you laugh," he commented quietly. It caught me off guard, so I looked over at him with a confused look on my face. "Like I've seen you smile when you're happy or fake laugh when you're drunk or pissed off but I've never heard you actually laugh."
"Well, you make it incredibly hard to be happy, even just for a moment," I defended myself, looking away.
It hurt a little knowing he was right. I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed. Almost every happy expression I make anymore is forced, and it was painful knowing the people around me didn't believe the facade I put on.
"It's only because you don't let yourself be happy around me," he explained, making me shift in my seat from how correct he was. "You don't trust me and therefore won't let me see the real you. From that, you're never happy around me."
I bit the inside of my cheek as I listened to his words. I didn't know what to say because he was right. I was never happy around him because I was too scared to trust him, and that's just how I was- especially with him. "Is there a reason you're here?" I quickly defended, cutting off his analysis. "I really don't appreciate you breaking into my house and psychoanalyzing me for shits and giggles."
"Your front door was unlocked. I didn't break into shit," he fired back. I could feel his eyes on me, but I continued to face forward, watching the sun in front of me. "Come on," he said from behind me, standing up.
"Why?" I quickly asked. I felt myself become more defensive as I listened to his words. Something about him knowing me so well scared me more.
"Because we are partners for Coach's team bonding thing," he explained as he waited for me to get up too.
"Ashton, we really don't have to do anything," I complained, looking over at him. He was waiting for me to get up too. "We can just take a picture right now and pretend we did something. Hell, just tell him we hung out on my roof. I don't care."
"Yeah, well, I do. So pack up your emotional baggage and get a move on," he fired back, holding out his hands to pull me up.
"Is this a plot to kill me?" I asked with only the smallest hint of sarcasm.
"Believe me, Auni, I had plenty of chances to push you off this roof and never did," he said as he waited patiently for me to give in.
"I still don't trust you," I stated simply.
"And I don't trust you," he told me. "Let's go."
My eyes fell from his down to his hands. He was offering me his hands as a help up, but I still didn't know if I wanted to trust him enough to take them. I looked back up to his eyes, seeing that authentic green I'd learned to adore. In a moment of pure adrenaline, I placed my hands in his. He tightened his grip, pulling me up from my sitting position. He let me lead the way back to the window, his hand hovering over my lower back in case I slipped. I crawled back into my room, turning around to see him still outside. There was a large part of me that wanted to slam the window shut with him still outside, but some small part made me turn around and walk deeper into my room.
I looked around for my sandals, finally spotting them in the corner. I slipped them on, looking around for anything else I might need. When I thought I had enough stuff together, I turned back to look at Ashton. He stood leaning against the wall by the door, waiting for me to be ready. I walked towards him in an oversized hoodie with my phone in hand, ready to see what plot to a Criminal Minds episode he had in store.
"Aren't you going to put on pants?" he asked with a small laugh.
I looked down at my legs, pulling up my hoodie to show my Nike Pros beneath. "I have spandex on. Don't get too excited. You're not getting any."
He rolled his eyes at me, walking towards the door to pull it open. "Don't come asking me for clothes when you get cold."
"I wouldn't have expected you to give me any even if I was dying of hypothermia," I replied with a snarky smile.
"Get going," he said as he shook his head at me. He ushered me out the door, shutting off my light and closing the door behind me. I led the way through the house and down the stairs.
My mom caught sight of us as I reached the bottom step. "Oh, now where are you two going?" she asked excitedly from the couch.
I turned around to see Ashton with a blank look, like he wasn't going to give up his plan yet. "I don't know. He won't tell me," I replied. I watched as the excitement drained from her face from my tone. "If I don't come back, he probably sliced my neck open with a soccer cleat in his back seat and threw my body in the woods."
"Oh, please! I'm not going to kill you," Ashton complained from behind me, trying to stop my sarcasm. "Plus, cleats aren't even that sharp."
"I don't think killing is ever off the table with us. You'd find a way to make any means work for my death."
My mom slowly pulled herself from our conversation, going back to her show. She still bid us goodbye as we walked out the door. Ashton led me down to his car, opening the door for me to get in. "You know, Ashton, the bar is absolutely on the floor after Andrew. You don't have to try so hard," I told him as I climbed into the passenger seat.
"Oh, shut it or maybe I will see how sharp those cleats are," he laughed back as he closed my door behind me. He walked around the front and climbed in beside me, starting the car. It was an older Jeep, not as fancy as Luke's, but it seemed fun. It confused me a bit since Ashton's family had so much money- why didn't he have a fancier Jeep than Luke?
"You know, I always took you for a Jeep guy just since your ego is bigger than your dick, but I didn't take you for a classic Jeep guy," I said to him, looking around at all the things that were different from Luke's.
"Yeah, well, I bet Luke's can't play cassettes," Ashton snarked back.
"Yeah, and neither can anything else. That's the point," I replied, feeling a smile pull on my face from our back and forth.
"I bet Luke's windows are automatic too," Ashton spat back, defending his car as he reached to turn the crank.
"Yeah, also kinda the point of a Jeep," I repeated, a laugh threatening to fall out.
"Mine have special cranks... I bet he didn't drop the roof panel the first time he took it off and broke it because his roof is automatic, isn't it?" Ashton told me. He sounded sarcastic, and it made his personality contagious. It was during moments like these that I realized how similar we actually are.
"You broke it?" I asked with wide eyes.
"Directly in half," he said as he pointed up to the roof. I looked up at the silver duck tape holding the top panel together, and it made me laugh to myself. Of course, he duck-taped it. I looked back over to him as he shifted into first, starting to roll out of his spot. He looked over to me quickly, catching my smile as I rolled my eyes, before looking back to the road. "I haven't taken them off since. They stay put," he explained as we started off.
I shook my head at him before looking back out the window. "Where are we going anyway?"
"Trust me and maybe you'll find out," he replied as he turned off my street.
"We've already establishes the fact I don't trust you," I told him as I lolled my head to look over at him.
"Then you're just gonna find out, aren't ya?" he snarked back with an annoying smirk. "You don't trust anyone, anyways, so I don't take it personally."
"Yeah, maybe you should."