Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder; where did I go wrong?
At what moment in my life did I turn into the person I am today? I hate feeling disappointed in myself and sometimes I try to look for someone else to blame, not wanting to accept the fact that I'm the problem.
I live in denial a lot, pretending like the truth isn't my truth. I love to sleep, because living in my dreams feels better than living in the reality. In my dreams I get to do what I want to do and be with who I want to be with, without any of the negative consequences of my actions.
As a hopeless romantic, I enjoy reading romance novels and watching romantic movies. I never understood how anyone could ever cheat on their partner. Why not just break up with who you're currently with and save everyone the pain?
But as I storm away from the lake, where I almost let myself be the person I always hated, I finally understand.
My mind is telling me that Jeremy is the smartest option for me. Jeremy cares about me, he's kind and he's actually a respectful boyfriend. Unfortunately my heart disagrees.
I remember when I met Elias for the first time. I was five years old and I was outside on my new, blue scooter. Elias and his family had just moved into the neighbourhood and I decided to ride my scooter past their house. Elias was sitting by the curb, watching me pass by with an angry look on his face.
I stopped next to Elias and asked him what was wrong, but didn't expect him to turn the question around.
"Why do you have a blue scooter? That's a boys colour." Elias said to me bitterly. I looked down at my new scooter and frowned.
"It's my favourite colour and I'm a girl, so it can't be a boys colour." I stepped down from the scooter and folded my arms over my chest.
"It is a boys colour," Elias decided, not giving in. I only knew of one thing to say to a stubborn boy, something I said to Adam daily.
"Want to wrestle?" I clenched my hands into fists and let the scooter fall onto the ground.
"I don't wrestle stupid girls." Elias had fired back as he stood up on his feet.
"I'm not stupid, you're stupid." I stomped my foot onto the ground and grabbed my scooter before riding it back home. All day I complained to my dad about the stupid boy in our neighbourhood.
After that day I couldn't get the stupid boy out of my life or out of my heart.
And here I am, storming away from the stupid boy after I almost stupidly let him get in my stupid head.
"April, what's wrong?" Jeremy asks as he tries to follow me.
"I just need a moment, okay?" I turn around to look at Jeremy, pleading him to let me go on my own. Jeremy gives me a small nod and awkwardly goes back into the lake. For a second my eyes catch Elias staring right at me. Shaking my head, I turn my heel and walk away from my friends.
Perhaps the reason I'm having so much trouble managing my feelings for Elias, is the fact that now I'm devoted to someone else. I used to be able to pine over him, thinking there's no harm in dreaming if its never going to happen. But now even dreaming feels like a crime.
I know that technically I haven't done anything worth calling "cheating", but nevertheless, my heart feels heavy. Feeling like I'm keeping secrets from everyone around me and I don't know where to channel all that guilt.
I would like to believe that I'm good at choosing the right option, but as I pace around our camp, I'm dumbfounded.
My skin feels like it's burning and freezing at the same time. Needing a hug and for someone to hold me, but the person I want to hold me is the soul reason for this feeling.
My mind is clouded and blurry, yet it feels like it's racing with too many thoughts. I don't seem to be able catch onto a single thought, as soon enough the next one pops into my mind. In moments like these, I feel like screaming, hoping maybe it would silence my mind for a mere second. Maybe I would be able to listen to what my heart has to say, without my mind already attacking back in defence. Maybe my heart could sit in silence, while my mind gives me reasonable and logical solutions for my problems.
"April," A voice behind my back surprises me. I turn around in one swift move and look up at Elias walking towards me. Taking a deep breath, I try my best to shut out my hearts opinion.
Even looking at Elias, makes my heart unable to sit still. Getting excited and happy, while my brain is trying to convince me to not listen to my hearts erratic emotions.
"Please Elias, not now." I place my hands on my face, rubbing my eyes desperately as everything in me feels a pull towards the man in front of me.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I hear the worry in Elias' voice as he steps closer to me. I feel Elias grab my arms, and I instantly pull my hands away from my eyes, looking at the brown eyes staring at me with worry.
My skin warms at Elias' touch, luring me in, as my mind blurs. For a second I get the silence I craved, like my mind had just given up the battle. Unfortunately, the previous feeling of guilt creeps back in, reminding me how unfair this is for everyone.
I take a daring step back and watch Elias knit his brows together in confusion. "You can't do this to me." I say and shake my head, denying Elias access into my heart.
"Do what?" The confusion in Elias' facial expressions multiplies and he takes a step to close the gap between us.
"This." I say sternly and motion to the space between us. "You can't keep doing this."
"And what am I doing exactly?" Elias raises his eyebrow and my body begins to itch. The type of itch where you don't know what's itching, but it's so powerful you have to go through your whole body.
"You know what and- and it needs to stop!" I raise my voice, feeling the itch grow as I stumble on my words. "I can't keep doing this. You know I have a boyfriend."
Elias grabs my arms softly but sternly, calming me down. "I can't keep watching you be with him."
I had always imagined that if Elias were to ever say something like that to me, I'd be happy, overjoyed, pleased. Unfortunately, I'm filled with frustration to the point of almost reaching anger.
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I look straight into Elias' brown eyes, trying to search for answers I desperately need.
A flash of panic hits Elias' eyes, but he quickly recovers. "He's not right for you." Elias chooses his words with caution, but it only aggravates me more.
"And you are?" I say bitterly. A feeling of hopefulness and annoyance both hit me at the same time, wishing I don't get disappointed by his answer.
"I-I didn't mean that." Elias says stumbling on his words. Elias is always sure of himself, like he already has the conversation scripted in his head, ready to be played out.
This conversation feels different. I see the uncertainty flicker in his eyes as he searches for the right words to say. The issue is, even I don't know what the right words are. I don't know if I wished Elias to declare his undying love for me, or if I wanted him to reject me and tell me how stupid I'm being.
I'm not sure which reply would lead me where I want to go. Not that I would actually know what I want...
"Right," I let the bitter chuckle escape from my lips as a watch Elias.
If you don't laugh, you cry. And I am not crying over something I don't even understand yet.
We both seem to be lost for words as we stand in front of each other, never letting go of the eye contact. I can't read what emotions Elias is feeling at this moment, but I feel completely lost.
I see my best friend. My best friend who I've missed more than I can understand, and his presence is almost overwhelming. But I also feel the pang of guilt every time I dare to place my eyes on him. Because he is not mine to look at, not in the way I want to at least. And unfortunately I need to get my head and heart wrapped around that, understanding that I'm not allowed to feel how I feel.
Worst part is, I can't blame Elias for how I feel and how I act. I'm responsible for everything I choose to do, no matter how easy it would be to blame everyone else.
It's about time I stop lying to myself, and realize that I need to fix my own issues.
"This thing going on between us stops right now." I say sternly. "Jeremy is my boyfriend, not you."
For a second Elias is taken aback by my words but soon his facial expression changes to anger.
"Good, I don't want to be your boyfriend." Elias fires back.
"Good!" I raise my voice even more and feel the child in me erupt as I stump my foot on the ground.
"Good!" Elias shouts back angrily, almost mocking me.
I roll my eyes and storm past Elias, making my way back to my boyfriend. As I walk away, I hear Elias kick something and curse in annoyance. Usually when I hear Elias like this, I go to him and make sure he feels better, but now I know I can't.
I know how to handle Elias' bursts of anger, as well as Elias knows how to calm me down when needed. Unfortunately we both need some space from each other and learn to deal with our emotions on our own.
I watch the guys all in the water and notice Jeremy bonding with my friends, finally. A small flicker of happiness reaches my heart as I see the group accept my boyfriend. Obviously Elias will never accept Jeremy, for reasons unknown, but this already is an improvement.
Pushing the thought of a grumpy Elias to the back of my mind, I let the smile creep onto my face as I reach the edge of the lake.
"April!" Jeremy yells happily as he tries his best to run towards me. Running in water looks like he's running in quicksand, not really going as fast as he thinks. I can't help the small chuckle that escapes from my lips as I watch Jeremy struggle towards me. Slowly but surely Jeremy makes his way to me. "You feeling better?"
"Yea I'm alright, thanks." I smile, trying to forget about Elias for a mere second.
"Good," Jeremy smiles and grabs my hand. He pulls me to the bench nearby the lake and sits down, waiting for me to sit next to him.
I don't say a word but neither does Jeremy, as we sit in silence watching my friends. I place my head comfortably on top of Jeremy's shoulder and breathe in content.
I think for once my head might be correct. Maybe this is what I need, calm and quiet. Jeremy enjoys to just be, leave unnecessary things unsaid and just be in the present. I may be a little ADHD child wrapped up in a woman's body, but maybe Jeremy is good for me.
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The campfire flickers in the moonlight as the group sits around it, enjoying the midnight breeze. Nothing was said between Elias and I after the fight, we can barely make eye contact.
Not that Elias has even tried. His eyes have been glued to his phone ever since the fight. My eyes turn to look at Elias on the other side of the flames and notice him still busy texting. My eyebrows knit together in wonder, imagining who he might be texting right now.
Elias hasn't mentioned any of his friends from England, even when we've asked. Nor does he like to talk about the year all together. He'll say there's nothing to tell, and changes the subject.
"What are you looking at?" Lucas says from next to me, trying his best to follow my view.
"Who do you think he's texting?" I whisper and turn to my right, facing Lucas. In response I get a groan and a forceful eye roll.
"Stop looking at him. Look at your boyfriend." Lucas teases and I can't help but push him in the shoulder.
"I'm serious Lucas," I say and nudge towards Elias, who's still typing aggressively. "He doesn't talk about his other friends, but he seems to be busy texting them."
"Right, quit being jealous. It's not a good look on you." As I hear Lucas' words, my jaw drops open and I gasp. Lucas burst out in laughter at my reaction.
"The audacity of some people." Lucas continues to laugh, making all of our friends look at us. My eyes quickly catch Elias, who now seems to be interested in our conversation.
It's a relief Elias can't hear us, as we sit on the other side of the campfire. Jeremy is preparing food for the both of us, so he can't hear us either.
"And for the record, I'm not jealous." I say matter of factly and turn back to face Lucas. "I'm a concerned friend."
"And I'm a billionaire. See now we're both liars." I let the laugher erupt from my mouth at Lucas' words.
Lucas knows everything about me, even about my embarrassing crush on our mutual friend. Most people thought Lucas and I would end up together, but it would never happen. We both know too much about each other to be able to even consider dating.
Of course as a teenager you wonder if the strong connection you've made could blossom into something more. But knowing how Lucas sharted on his first date, out of nerves, killed all of those thoughts.
Maybe even worse was getting the call to help him out. Oh the smell... sh*t in a warm car does NOT smell like "I want to date this man".
So Lucas is stuck being my ultimate best friend. Not that I'm complaining, I need him too much.
"Ha-ha, so funny." I say sarcastically and make Lucas laugh again.
From the other side of the campfire, I hear a phone ring. The sound makes me look up and watch Elias place the phone to his ear. He lets out a small smile and gets up from the bench.
My eyes follow Elias walking away from us, to talk to this mystery caller in privacy.
I catch myself biting my tongue, wanting to grab Elias' phone and throw it in the lake.
Maybe Lucas is right... Maybe I am jealous.