I am so sorry guys, I have been swamped with last-minute school assignments and finals.
Thank you for being patient with me. God Bless you guys.
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Have you ever done something that you instantly regretted doing?
Lord knows I have. And He knows I most certainly just did.
Waking up this morning to my mate barking at me was a first. Falling out of the bed and onto my face was a first. Still sleep drunk, I stumbled my way to the open bedroom door with Max jumping at my heels. I felt my mouth slid up in a smile at the fact that she was getting more comfortable. That was a first.
Maybe yesterday was more of a success than I thought.
I turned to look beside me, where I last saw my mate's wagging tail, only of my eyes to land on the bare floor. I panicked for a second until I caught sight of her behind me, still in the bedroom and frozen in place. I hated how she cowered from my approaching form, or how she flinched every time my hand first made contact with her fur. I hated it.
But I loved how she leaned into my touch as the comforting rubs behind her ears calmed her nerves. I wasn't mad that she woke me up, in fact, I was relieved that she did. As Alpha, I made it my goal to always be the first one up, to set a good example, to already be training or working when everyone else got up, and then meet them downstairs for breakfast. But last night I had slept better than I have in the last few weeks combined. Not being in the same bed with my mate caused my wolf to be restless, but being in an entirely different room caused him to through a tantrum every time I tried to close my eyes. It certainly didn't help that her fearful whines as she dreamed, echoed through my ears causing him to fight me and go comfort her.
I would love more than anything to do that, but I knew it was a bad idea. She didn't want me anywhere near her when she was asleep and venerable, and while I could understand why that may be, it still tore me to pieces to hear her cries of pain and fear and not being able to comfort her.
But that's not what I regret.
No, what I retreat to is letting my wolf take control after that comment I made about her never having privacy. What I regret is allowing my mind to shift to the conversation I had with Shar about them trying to breed her.
What I truly regret is the action that unfolded after she tried to attack me. When her teeth sunk into my wolf fur I felt the pain that came with it, intensified with the pain of being bitten by your own mate, and not in a loving way. My wolf was completely shocked, and I knew that if I didn't use that moment of weakness in him, he would retaliate at the unintentional challenge that our mate had started.
So, I quickly shoved him to the back seat of my mind and forced us to shift back, my hands burying themselves in the fur of her chest. I felt the blood rolling down my neck in hot and nauseating waves.
"Max," she ignored me and continued to try and rip me to shreds, "Max stop, it's me," She still didn't stop, so I shoved as hard as could, right before her canines ripped into my windpipe. She stumbled slightly at the force that I had used to get her off me but instantly recovered.
Placing my hand over the gash in my throat, wincing slightly at the pain that started to spread from it. I watched as my blood dripped from her muzzle and as she started to shake her head as if trying to get rid of an annoying little fly that kept trying to buzz its way into her ear. My vision started to become blurry as I watched my mate claw at the back of her head.
"Austin!" Lucy's screams were barely audible in my ears as a ringing start to replace any real sound. I tried to stand up but just fell back onto my side, grunting in pain my body started to slow. My feet slipped out from under me as I tried to push myself up. I felt hands grab ahold of my arms and try and set me up. As I looked at the feet around me, it was like they doubled in number. First, there were only two, then four, and next, it went from four to twelve? But I think there were only three pairs.
"I need to help Max," my word tripped over themselves as I tried to push myself out of their hold and to get to my mate, but I was shoved back down by strong arms. I growled at them for keeping me from her.
"We will help her, but first you need help, ok?" a deep voice that sounded familiar said to me as whoever it belonged to replaced my hand with his, over the bleeding wound in my neck. At some point, my eyes had closed, but they instantly snapped open as barking and whining found their way clearly through my ears, shattering the ringing sound that had begun to cloud my scenes. My mate had stopped her attack on herself and was trying to find her way over to me, her casted leg preventing her from running at full speed.
"Keep her away from him!" my sister's voice followed her barking into my ears, causing me to jerk away from her direction and grit my teeth as it pulled the skin that was still stretching across the bleeding expanse that was my throat at the moment. I was able to see as Kara ran and grabbed Max by the scuff of her neck, casual her to yelp slightly as it pulled on the healing skin where her collar had once been. The fur had gown back some, but it was still patchy, someplace more raw than others, and in need of more time to heal.
"No Max," she tried to pull out of Kara's hold, but Kara just wrapped her arms around her. One over her neck and chest, the other wrapping it's self between her front legs in allowing her hand to rest on her chest next to her other hand. The last thing that I saw before I blacked out was her trying to push past Karas's hold, surging with all her strength to break the barrier of arms that held her still.
And then I was out like a light.
🐺🐺🐺
(Still Austin)
Coming to, I was all too aware of the room that I was in. It's strange how you can go someplace as long as it not for you. How you can suppress the memories and feelings of place when you're there for someone that you love more than yourself, someone that you love so much that it clouds everything going on around you. But the second that the roles are reversed is the second that the world seems to start up again, when the pain and nightmares resurface, bombarding your thoughts and emotions.
I wanted out.
Out of this bed, out of this room, out of this building...
I wanted out.
I could be here for Max, I could be here for Lucy, but I can't be here in this bed with the sounds of those machines echoing through my already pounding head. I could be here when it came to Lucy because I know that she hates this place even more than I do. She spent more time here than I did after all. I could be here for Max because she was my mate and needed someone to be there for her as she adjusted from life in the pits to the werewolf community. But I could not be back here in this whitewashed room, laying on this cardboard bed just for myself.
I reached over to pull the IV out of my arm, to throw the blankets that weighed heavily over my legs, off into the floor, but the moment that I did a sheering pain shot through the side of my neck. wincing, I gently reached up and ran my fingers along with the bandage that was tapped securely over the gaping wound in my neck. I closed my eyes as I still tried to move, gritting my teeth as I pushed through the protesting of my body. Just as I was about to attempt to get to my feet, the door clicked open, the scent causing me to groan, knowing who walked in and that she wasn't about to let me leave so easily.
"Austin, you shouldn't be getting up," I heard the frustration and worry in her voice and she quickly shut the door behind her before coming to my side, trying to push me back into bed.
"I'm fine, Shar," the glare I got in response had me pausing in my escape attempt long enough for someone else to come through the door. Ben walked in with a worried look on his face, his mind clearly somewhere else as he strolled in and took a seat in one of the chairs near the foot of the bed.
"Wheres Max," it wasn't a question, more of a demand as I backed it up with the Alpha authority that seemed to come to me naturally in certain situations. Ben finally meet my eyes, feeling the pressure of having to answer to the higher authority that had demanded something from him.
The look of utter sorrow filled his features as he wrung his hands together, sitting further on the edge of his seat, glancing over at Shar once before licking his lips and answering, "She's fine," I almost smiled in relief but the answer didn't match his expression.
"What?" I could feel my heart in my chest at the thought of something happing to her.
"She's acting differently now," he shuffled his feet as he looked down at them, the light coming from the window casting a shadow over his face. His frown depending as he tried to find the right words to break whatever news it is that he was trying to inform me of, "I think she has repressed further into a dog state of mind,"
I was confused. She already acted more like a dog than anything, how could she go even further into that state of mind?
Seeming to read my mind, Ben rushed in to try and help me see the silver lining, "but she isn't as scared or fearful, it's like a switch was flipped, switching off all her training and-" he was rambling now as if he didn't know how to describe what was happing to my mate.
"Ben-" he kept going, talking about how she was a completely different dog-person-he corrected himself, "Ben!" I didn't want to yell at the man, considering that he was my best friend and obviously more stressed than I first thought he was when he walked in here only ten minutes ago.
He looked up at me, He looked tired and exhausted like he hasn't slept in days.
"How long have I been here?" my skin was crawling, every fiber in my being not letting me forget where I was and all the memories of how and why I had ended up here all those times before.
"Three days," I have forgotten that Shar was still in the room until she answered my question. Three days. Three days I had been in this place and three days that I have not gotten to spend time with my mate. I needed to leave. I knew Shar could sense my uneasiness. She had sat beside me in this room many times before, and I knew it hurt her to see one of us back in this bed.
"I need to see her," I stood from the bed, grabbing the needle in my arm and pulled it from underneath my skin.
"Max or Lucy?"
Both. I needed to be near my mate, to hold her and know that she was ok, to let her know that I was ok. I also needed to see my sister. If I knew her at all, she was going out of her mind while I was in here, probably getting lost in her own thoughts, memories turning her dreams into nightmares. I needed to see both. I looked up at Shar, my question silent, but loud enough to fill the quiet that had spilled into the room.
"She hasn't left the front door since we brought you in," I gave her a nod in appreciation and quickly grabbed my clothes that had been washed as folded on the side the table, "you need to rest, Austin" she tried to convince me to sit back down, but I shook my head and fumbled with slipping my jeans on underneath the itchy paper gown I had been changed into.
"I have to check on her, Shar, you know that," I quickly pulled the gown over my head, the muscles in my neck protesting as the action pulled on the stitching that held them together. Pulling my freshly cleaned shirt down and over my head, I felt disappointment flicker through me as the smell of lavender detergent greeted me instead of the scent of my mate that had woven its way through the threads of fabric that made up my favorite shirt. I wanted nothing other than to run to her, to bury my face in her neck, the breath in her scent to the point I think straight anymore, to replace the scent that had been lost. I wanted her. Needed her. But Lucy was outside and needed to know that I was ok.
Rushing through the halls, I made good time in getting out the memories that seemed to surround me on all sides as the walls seemed to come in on me. Shoving the glass doors open, I felt my breath hitch as I looked wildly around for my sister.
I found her with her back against the wall, the knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. Her head was down and buried in her lap, her body seeming to be shaking, in sobs or from the chill that seemed to ride with the wind, I wasn't sure.
"Lucy," at the sound of her name her head snapped up, her eyes red and tears streaking down her windburned face. She was instantly on her feet, her face a mix of so many emotions I don't think even Ernest Hemmingway could put them down in words. Her weary frame slamming into my solid one. She hasn't been eating. Lucy always had a hard time keeping a healthy weight ever since we were kids and our mom died, and even after I got her away from Thomas, our biological dad, she could hardly keep anything down. Years of being starved and being called worse names than just fat will do that to a person I guess.
I let her cling to me with what little strength that she had left in her. I had been an idiot to get Thomas that day. An idiot to let my wolf take over and put us in this position again. After another minute, I gently pulled her arms off from around me, holding her at arm's length. Bags were under her red eyes, and while I knew that she probably wouldn't have been sleeping well, it still hurt to see my baby sister so hurt and exhausted.
"I'm sorry, I wanted to go in-" her voice was hoarse and strained as she tried to fight off a new wave of tears.
"It's ok, Lucy," I cut her off, her eyes looking down at my chest and then back at mine, "it's ok, I understand," I understood more than I could possibly tell her. I knew that even though it caused my skin to itch, caused me to swat awful memories of not only my mother dying but also of the both of us lying in those gosh-awful beds, that it was ten times worse for her.
Yes, I watched my mother die in that place, yes I have been in pain not only physically and emotionally while sitting in that cold, drafted building. But she had spent so many nights under the watchful eyes of the doctors. Spent so many hours on those operating tables. Just to turn around and be sent back home with him. And for it all to happen again and again.