This area of Grun was a hell of a lot more subdued than anywhere else on deck 9S had been.
It was probably due to the fact that there wasn't any crew partaking in noisy duties in the immediate area. When he relayed his thoughts to Pod-153, not in a way one would refer to as voluntarily, it suggested relocating to a place of seclusion at least a moderate bit away from the trials of others; when facing similar trials, many humans found partaking in this "alone time" to be freeing, relieving even, in relation to their inner turbulence as 153 relayed. 9S had been incapable of recollecting a time where he'd truly been alone upon his pod's inquiring, so they both agreed it'd be worth a shot.
At the very least, it was helpful that Grun was so damned gigantic that 9S could even find a sub-area on the deck to even attempt this "alone time" method despite the sizable crew of machine and android. He felt blessed, even, that he was able to find such a place and time to practice such method of zen despite how everything had transpired, and on the husk of what had been a colossal foe mere months ago no less.
Was that part of the idea, then? Finding something bright in the endless sea of pitch darkness?
It had the ring of something wise, sure, but 9S didn't feel much better upon the consideration. Moving his sight from the expansive sea, he dove into his external data storage to try something else. 9S had been compiling a musical library during all of his curious scavenging throughout his past lives, keeping it backed up with help of Pod-153 and rediscovering it every rebirth to add on anew. Thinking on it now, it was a weird thing for his pod to agree to, but he soon deduced that it must not have felt such a harmless endeavor would compromise its previous protocol. Hell, it had to have been quite the balancing act between serving its assigned unit and maintaining its contradictory higher-priority orders, when considering how much 9S had partaken in such little things in regards to data recovery and conservation.
Wait.
All of those memories were back.
Every single death blow by 2B's hand.
The echoes of Pod-153 instructing her in disposal of his corpse, confirming its awareness and role in the scheme.
They'd been there since he awakened in her arms, and yet he felt nothing, didn't even question it, like they were always there.
Was that wrong?
This revelation, for a brief moment, he felt...
He felt like he was someone else, but the same.
Still him, but in someone else's head.
Was this real?
What was real?
And how?
How did he even regain them?
Was that damnable creature in his head again? Were Pod-006's estimations off?
9S's vision focused on the list in the data space, and he forced his spinning mind to the back of his awareness. He'd made an effort to listen to everything he could whenever able, gravitating towards what humanity had referred to as "rock and roll," as well as a "subgenre" they called "metal." How fitting, for the sort that he'd prefer. He'd gathered so much, most of which he hadn't so much as laid eyes on. On a quick scroll through, there were a few albums from that one group that'd named themselves after an ancient armored insect but had an apparent ignorance towards differences in vowels, a couple of longer songs from another group who enjoyed the rush of going fast based on their name, more songs dated later from one of 9S's up and coming favorites who for some reason chose to identify under the label of an ancient torture device from even further back in civilization's infancy, another group who seemed to be mega-fascinated by death and apparently also had trouble with spelling, and another whose choice of label perplexed him most of all; how could someone stand guard over something if they were blind? That didn't make a decimal of sense!
It made about as little sense as the inside of his head, spinning whirling around all these realizations-
Stop.
Humans were indeed strange, but it was discoveries like these that intrigued 9S the most; they would get together and go crazy over things like this in those very ruined structures he'd fought in, jumping up and down with their index and pinkie fingers raised up in some weird signage. How could he live with himself without inspecting every nook and cranny at the thought that something as amazing as this might be right around the corner? His only regret was that he hadn't been able to share any of it; there was always a mission or combat situation or intelligence gathering to be discussing with YoRHa companions. It would have been wonderful to have shown at the very least one song to 21O, to name one.
That is, back before he and A2 were forced to kill-
STOP.
All this music, 9S had been most ecstatic to introduce 2B to everything he'd compiled with hope that she'd be at least a quarter as enthusiastic about it as himself, and again and again the mission and other priorities got in the way, but it all worked out! Because now all of his memories were back somehow which meant he could show her with a full contextual understanding of what it meant to him, and the loss of the bunker meant no more missions, silver linings! Silver linings!
Silver linings crossed and stretched between the unrelenting pain and loss like an ancient mirror shattered by a stray projectile fired during an engagement that one individual or another didn't make it out of alive.
2B...
A certain song came on at the exact same moment as the barrage of memories, a longer song with an introduction of a gentle chiming riff against an echoing wind that imposed over visions, flashbacks of times long passed and rapid recollection of the last few days since his awakening, the horrible tail end of which he'd been host to. Of his own volition or not, he led them all to that horrible creature; of his own volition or not, it was his fault. He was the anomaly.
And when his moment of redemption came, he couldn't keep a simple damned promise.
He dropped her.
9S noticed a streak of warm liquid down his cheeks and a tight, sharp pain forming in his chest, creeping up the back of his throat. He could feel his face twitching and his arms shaking as that wave of realization came crashing over him like a sharpened blade through his cursed black box.
9S drove a fist hard into the thick metal floor, and again, and again. A noticeable dent started to show as the agony in his joints grew. He didn't care. When that arm gave out, he struck with the other until the heat built up so much that he could barely move. The lone android fell to his knees, and then to his side when his unfeeling arms failed to support him. Somehow, despite overheating, his face felt the warmest of all as he wept in solitude, the cries echoing across the empty sea with a grief just as strong as those machines who'd watched their friends and family get carved to pieces by their own kind all those months ago.
Why. Why?!
Sure, he knew why, but it did nothing to alleviate what he was feeling.
Why couldn't he have just climbed faster?
Why couldn't he resist Its call on his own without the help of some random pod?
Why did Remnant have to exist?!
Why couldn't these fucking thought processes just cease functioning so that he could have some peace?!
Peace...
Forget what he said before; peace was the central idea, wasn't it?
Peace was the central pillar of YoRHa; peace was what 9S was trying to attain by spending time alone; peace is that cursed creature's endgame, what it's striving for at any cost deemed necessary, even that of individual will.
Peace was what they were all fighting for, be it android, machine, or abomination.
What a ridiculous notion, fighting for peace. 9S heard himself chuckle aloud. The pods should have left him lying in the dirt. 2B would be fine, free of Remnant's grasp and wandering the world with her supposed mission still intact; glory to mankind. 9S would be dead, free of this cursed world rather than suffering beneath its undying hatred for his existence. Who knows what the rest would be up to, and really, who cares? They would all be dead sooner or later, just empty husks fading into the wind, their foundations crumbling away to become one with the dead Earth beneath them. Death was eternal, and peace was a lie, a lie that bred nothing but chaotic, delusional slaughter for countless millennia from here to eternity.
In truth, it was a never-ending cycle of life and death, inescapable, and thus, there was nothing to fight for.
The entire world had rotted inside and out, devolving into a cesspool of lies.
"9S?"
He sniffled, rising quick to a sitting position while wiping the fluid from his face. His vision focused, and in the corner of his eye, he saw A2's figure.
"Our new pod acquaintance sent me to check on you."
9S sighed, half-turning her way. "I came here to be alone."
"It was worried you might try something drastic," replied A2 with a glimpse towards the spanning sea. She was leaning, arms crossed, against the opening that led back into Grun's depths, through which a series of hallways and short climb up a makeshift ladder led back to the main deck. "And like I said, I'm not leaving you to go on some suicide mission after what we went through to save your ass."
"Fuck off," said 9S, a sudden rage in his voice. "I don't need protecting. Tell that damned thing to stop tracking me."
"Look." A2 stepped forth, voice raised, but with a hoarse sigh, she seemed to keep her composure. "You need to get a damned grip if you want any hope of stopping this thing. The pod filled me in. We can't waste time fighting like we did on the tower, which means you need to stop with all this."
"It filled you in." 9S laughed and turned back towards the ocean. "You actually trust that thing? Seems unlike you."
"Trust isn't a factor." He heard A2 step closer. "I've seen what Remnant is capable of, have witnessed enough to back up Pod-006's claims, the ones that matter at least, and I know you've experienced that beast's abilities firsthand. If the pod isn't on our side, then we've already lost." She knelt down beside him. "You know that as much as I do."
9S locked eyes with A2 for the first time since she'd entered. Her face reminded him of 2B, and not in a good way. "Yeah, trust isn't a factor." He lowered his voice. "That's why the machines lied to Anemone about what they're doing with Grun's most devastating weapon, right?"
A2 blinked with a slight furrowing of her brow. "Huh?"
He gave a quick glimpse up and around, just in case a stray Flyer might be listening in. Nothing was there, but 9S kept his voice low regardless. "I went down to take a look at what they've been up to. That catastrophic weapon module that wiped out a decent landmass of android forces centuries ago?" He moved his hands outward as he spoke to gesture a sort of explosion. "The machines are modifying it, heavily. I didn't have enough time to determine exactly how or for what, but a lot of their time has been devoted to that specific module. Meanwhile, we have Anemone telling us that it'll 'never function again.' Pretty suspicious if you ask me."
A2 ran a hand over her forehead, stroking it through her hair with a quick sigh. "For one, that's not what Anemone said. Secondly, this is exactly what I'm trying to get through to you. We're not going to make any headway while jumping to random pessimist conclusions based on limited or inaccurate information. Infighting, anarchy, that's what Remnant wants. That's what It's been striving for since freeing Itself. You've already fallen sway to Its will, and I'll bet the repercussions from what It led you to do are all you've been able to think about." She paused to stand up. "So please, don't unwillingly do what this damnable creature wants. Things are different now, 9S, and if you really want to save 2B, you can't lose yourself to that inner rage again." A2 glimpsed down towards him. "So for heaven's sake, I implore you to get a damned grip."
9S had fully turned to face A2, but he remained seated, just looking at her. "Where the hell is all this coming from?"
"It doesn't matter to me or you," replied A2 without hesitation. "All that matters is that it's the truth, and if YoRHa has brainwashed you so much that you require a 'mission' in order to keep yourself on the right track, then consider all I've said to be that." She turned and began walking towards the doorway. "See you around."
9S watched her step again, and again, and again before returning his view to the sea. Something gnawed at his insides, and without looking, he suddenly called out to her.
"Hm?" He heard her stop.
9S cleared his throat, fidgeting a bit with a half-glimpse towards A2. "Thanks...for the save."
A2 gave him her own half-glimpse, blinking, her eyes moving in silent thought. "Good start," she replied with a slight smile and a nod, then made her way back into the bowels of the husk.