There are moments in our lives that never come back. No matter how much we wish them to. One fleeting moment is one lost opportunity. And my life's made up of those fleeting moments.
TDWLTOMBOBUEEABSWNT (the dude who likes to open my bottle of bottled-up emotions even after being strictly warned not to) once told me "that's how life is, and take that risk. Take every risk even if it means hitting a dead end with a serial killer chasing you. Because when you hit that dead end, you won't let it stop you, you'll climb over that darn wall if you have to. That's just who you are Brooklyn White, a fighter. And if you want those memories back, if you want all those fleeting moments back, then take every risk and don't ever give up."
That's far by the wisest thing TDWLTOMBOBUEEABSWNT has ever said in his life. Trust me, I prayed to god for a therapist as wise, friendly, and award-winning as Devi Vishwakumar's. Until TDWLTOMBOBUEEABSWNT told me those exact words.
"Chinese or French?" Xavier calls out and I flinch. I completely forgot that we're in the school parking lot debating over dinner. We've narrowed down our choices to Chinese, French and Italian.
I'm certainly not in the mood to cram escargot, bouillabaisse, salmon, cassoulet, souffle or dacquoise. Just thinking about it makes me wanna throw up. "Chinese or Italian", I narrow down my choices and Xavier nods.
"Italian it is."
We begin to drive silently. I roll my window down, the late-night breeze hitting me. A-List Academy is situated on the outskirts of the town but lucky for us, there's an Italian restaurant half an hour's drive away from the school. Partly why I chose Italian.
The Chinese restaurant is another hour away from the restaurant, try sitting that long in a car with a greek god. Xavier aimlessly drums his fingers against the steering wheel and I turn up the radio. Gotta find something to fill up this awkward silence.
Within a few minutes 'Shut up and Dance with Me' begins to blast through the car and I blush. Memories of our earlier encounter flash through my mind and press my lips into a thin line, praying for my cheeks not to turn any redder than they already are. I pivot my gaze towards the world outside my window and suddenly a trashcan seems interesting.
I must be hopeless.
Xavier on the other hand turns up the volume, enjoying my uncomfortable squirming. That A-hole. I sigh loudly, the silence turn more awkward by the millisecond.
Did you know a four-second awkward-silence pause in a conversation creates feelings of rejection in the brain?
And it takes four seconds for silence to become awkward.
The literal power of four.
Okay...so now I'm just ranting as if there's no tomorrow.
"So..." I begin hopefully trying to divert the direction of my thoughts. Unfortunately, my brain is fixated on imagining a naked Xavier under the shower.
"Done imagining me naked in the shower?" He asks and I gawk. He must be my long-lost twin, the telepathy. My face is probably a BTS meme by now, I'm jungkooketh.
And the ranting ensues.
"Gimme five more minutes", I remark. Sorry, Bish, it takes two to tango.
"Fine", and with that, the car swerves and comes to an abrupt halt. I gulp taking in my surroundings, we're still on the outskirts of the town, there are no houses or people visible in a two-mile radius and I didn't see any cars for the duration of our drive.
It's literally the perfect spot for a murder. Xavier's not mine,
Currently, I'm calculating how long it'd take me to run away from Xavier without being caught and unscathed. I dig around in the pocket of my hoodie, feeling the pepper spray bottle dig into my skin. Xavier doesn't give me the 'run-away-while-you-still-can-he's-a-dangerous-rapist' kind of vibes but he's still a man, and all men are dogs.
I shouldn't look down on dogs.
I turn around to face up, unbuckling my seatbelt and crossing my arms over my chest. His face is dimly lit by the moonlight pouring in from the window, highlighting his features and making him look twice as gorgeous. Despite the contacts, his dark blue eyes don't fail to pierce me, right in the chest.
I gulp, expecting him to say something along the lines of 'yeah sure, take your time,' but he doesn't, instead, we both remain perfectly still and study the other. What is this? A staring contest?
Seconds turn to minutes and all I can register is how my brain is turning to mush under his gaze. Our breathing is the only sound filling the car except for the soft hum of the radio. Who turned down the volume and when? See- this is how much I leave my guard down around the male species.
Then Xavier proceeds to do the unexpected, he leans in.
Closer.
"Are you gonna kiss me?" I force out, pretending to look unfazed. Keyword: Pretending. Xavier on the other hand ignores me.
Well, nothing new here, folks.
He continues to lean closer and then slides his hand around my back pulling me into his chest; into his warm embrace.
I would've appreciated a warning, one that goes along the lines of 'Xavier's touch is electrocuting'. I awkwardly pat his back as he buries his head into the crook of my neck, my body pulled flush against his. "It's been so long since I felt such warmth", he mummers against my skin and my heart clenches.
With Guilt.
"Can I be selfish?"
I furrow my brows at his request then nod. We're all entitled to be selfish once in a while and besides when you're awfully selfless you show people that you're fine being second. Selfishness is humane, he doesn't even need my permission to display such emotions. "Go ahead, be selfish unless you're not human."
"Then please stay. Just stay with me. It hurts so much, Seraph. It hurts so fucking much."
I can feel my heart begin to break. It's impossible to even try to imagine what Xavier Blaze has been through, the pain, the heartbreak, the loss. And what if I am responsible for it? How will I be able to face him? How will I be able to tell him?
Above all, how will I be able to face myself?
The corners of my eyes begin to prick as my mind begins to grow heavier with guilt by the passing second. Even if I'm not responsible for Vic's murder, I could've saved him but now his blood is in my hands. I could've tried to muster up some courage to push him away or pull the bicycle off of him.
'But even if you did, what if he died during surgery?' My mind begins to reason.
I clench my teeth together, pressing my head against his shoulder blade. The inevitable conclusion from our supposed dinner outing is Xavier makes me feel at home, he makes me feel safe and protected. When I'm with him, it feels as if my problems have begun to dissipate one by one, and then they're replaced by guilt. But for now, I'm going to enjoy Xavier's warmth, the joy of his presence, and the fact that he exists. My aunt would always tell me comfort is found in the most unexpected places.
Who knew Xavier Blaze would be one of them.