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Chapter 23
Kung dati, pakiramdam ko ay basag na basag na ako, ngayon ay iba na. I am not just broken anymore. I feel like bleeding and… dead. I couldn’t feel my own body. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I couldn’t feel any pain but numbness.
Posible palang may mas masakit pa sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Walang sakit… pero nakamamatay. I don’t know what is this kind of feeling. Nagmamanhid ang buong katawan ko dahil sa sakit at nakaka-frustrate dahil hindi ko alam kung papaano ito patitigilin.
Nagbuntong-hininga ako at napatulala sa kawalan. Ni hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako ngayon. Wala akong pakialam. Wala ako sa aking sarili. Para na akong mababaliw sa mga halu-halong problema. Ni ang pagluha nga ay ayaw nang magparamdam sa ‘kin. Ayaw na nitong tumulo. I’m tired… exhausted.
Ginalaw ko ang swing na inuupuan at humawak sa rehas nito. Tumutunog ang bakal sa tuwing gumagalaw ako. Sobrang tahimik ng buong lugar at ang tangi lamang na maririnig ay ang kaluskos ng mga tuyong dahon sa lupa at ang hanging tila may ibinubulong.
Sobrang payapa ng lugar. I used to admire the silence and being alone… but it’s creeping me out this time. I wish,someone is here for me. I wish, someone will come here to lessen this pain. I wish, someone is here to comfort me… even just once. Even just in a minute… even just for a second…
“Ate…”
I smiled weakly when I heard Seth’s voice. I know I am just hearing it in my head. Imposibleng nandito siya ngayon. Ayaw niya akong makasama. Ayaw niya rin sa akin. He declined my offer to live with me. To stay with me. So, bakit siya nandito ngayon? That’s impossible. Ayaw niya rin sa akin.
“Seth…” I uttered as I looked at him.
He is wearing his usual white hoodie and gray pants. Ang kaniyang noo ay natatabunan ng kaniyang mahaba at itim na buhok. His round eyeglasses around his cold eyes were giving him an intimidating look. He’s tall. 5’8, I guess. He’s only 15 yet he looks more older than that.
“I heard what happened earlier.” Umupo siya sa katabing swing ko.
“Hmm…” Umiwas ako ng tingin at napangisi. Itinukod ko ang mga palad sa magkabilang gilid.
He cleared his throat. “I just want to ask if you are okay.”
Mapakla akong ngumiti at nilingon siya. “That I killed Mr.Ople?” I boldly said. “I’m okay, Seth. Don’t bother yourself, I am fine.”
His jaw clenched. “Hindi ikaw ang may gawa sa bagay na ‘yon.”
I smirked. “Hindi si Mama ang may kasalanan, Seth. It was me. I did kill that bastard. Have you seen the viral photos on the internet? I was on top of a man, holding the knife that was stabbed in his chest. Our mom bathed in her own blood beside him. And I… I was just there, staring at them. Tell me I ain’t a monster, tell me I did not do it. Fool men would only believe me. No one’s gonna believe me…” My voice broke.
“Ate…”
“I am the cause of Mama’s death,” I stated and looked away from his gaze. “It was all my fault why you had to experience getting bullied at school. It was my fault why she died. It’s my fault why our family ended up tragically. Why Papa committed suicide. Guess you know what I’m talking about, right? It’s all my fault… It was all my fault, Seth… I am so sorry for ruining our family. I am so sorry for everything…”
I wiped my tears and looked above the dark gray sky. “I-if I could just turn back the time, I would… I shouldn’t have done what I did before. I wish I wasn’t born. I wish I do not exist. All my life, I brought nothing but misery in everybody’s lives…”
“No… S-Sunny…”
Kumirot ang aking puso. Ngumiti muli ako nang mapait. “Aren’t you wondering why Papa did that to himself, Seth?”
I chuckled humorlessly when I got no response from him. Nilingon ko siya at nginisihan. I tapped his shoulder before I stood up. Nagsimula na akong maglakad papalayo.
“Where are you going?” I heard him ask.
“Uuwi na ako… baka hinahanap na ako sa bahay,” I lied.
I had to lie. No one was probably looking for me. Kung mamamatay man ako ngayon ay walang maghahanap sa akin. Walang dadalo sa libing ko.
“Take care, Ate…” I heard him say. “I love you… always.”
Napahinto ako sa paglalakad. That was the first time I got to hear that since I can’t remember.
I smiled weakly. “Mahal din kita, Seth… Salamat.”
SOMEONE posted that disturbing photo of mine with two lifeless bodies on the internet. And it became the talk of the town in a snap. I don’t know who did that… or maybe I do. I just don’t know how would I react if my guessing is right. I’m scared and a coward. The thought that that certain someone did those things breaks me. It scares the shit out of me.
Blangko kong tiningnan ang larawan na naka-post sa Facebook. I’m alone inside my room, hugging my curled knees while tears were pouring down my cheeks. I did not attend classes for weeks now. Ang takot, kahihiyan, at sakit ay naghahalu-halo sa aking nararamdaman.
Some people did not believe the viral photos but some went mad after seeing it. Instead of learning about the story behind the pictures, they already judged and commented ill words on it. The one who posted the picture was just an anonymous Facebook user. Halatang kagagawa lang dahil wala itong friends at isa lamang ang laman ng timeline nito, which is the post about the photos.
Iba’t-ibang angle ang kinunan sa screenshot mula sa cctv camera. But none of those showed how that man tried to do something horrible towards me.
Hariya Yna: Mukhang hindi naman ito totoo. Let’s stop spreading fake news, guys. It’s so toxic u know.
Ylmer Deguzman: I know who posted it. Hehe izzapranks.
Waze Neri: ??????
Glaiza Wond: I guess this photo is true. I showed it to my mom. She’s a police officer here in Manila. And this case was already closed before. Dunno why they had to re-open this again.
Pauline Rosario: A crime is a crime. The ignorance of the law excuses no one.
Angel Suarez: Well, I guess you’re right.
Rezima Martina: It’s just a child for god’s sake people. How can y’all believe that kind of photo? Bobo rin kayo eh. Wers the breyn pips?
Sabrina Joseph: That photo was taken almost a decade now lmao.
Fionna Rintua: I don’t know what to comment. Oki bye. Ang kyut ko lang. sige. Hehe.
Gin Schafer: Please do tell me walang galit ang nagpost nito. This is so disturbing. Lots of underage were using facebook. This app is an influencer. Please do stop and delete this. Or else the government will take this down. DSWD must’ve had goosebumps as they see this. Good thing there was no video uploaded like wtf.
Ashley Cole: Let’s stop spreading bad vibes people. Please respect the victims.
Kelly Brook: The little girl on that photo is my friend. Hindi iyan totoo. Stop this nonsense, people.
Nanginginig ang aking kamay na in-off ang cellphone bago ito itinapon sa kama. There were a lot of comments on the photo uploaded on Facebook. Yung iba, nag-aaway kung totoo ba ito o hindi at ang iba naman ay nag-co-comment lang upang magpapapansin.
Matapos ng insidenteng nangyari sa school ay hindi na ako pumasok. I locked myself inside my room. Takot akong lumabas. Anong mangyayari sa akin kapag lumabas ako? Are they going to judge me, too?
The poster on the bulletin board…
It was the number one topic now. Hindi lamang sa buong school, kun’di pati na rin sa social media. And as expected, my dad was furious about the news. Dahil daw umano madadamay ang negosyo niya. Dahil daw umano madudungisan ang pangalan niya at ng buong pamilya. Yun lamang ang tangi niyang iniisip.
Paano naman ako, Dad?
Everyday, I became more stressed. I felt so exhausted. Wala na akong matinong kain at tulog. On the other hand, my friends bombarded me messages everyday. Wala akong ni-reply-an ni isa sa kanila.
I waited for one person only. Kahit siya lang. Kahit isang message niya lang, sapat na sa akin. Pero wala… Wala na siyang pakialam sa akin. Sa amin…
Tatlong sunod-sunod na katok ang pumukaw sa naglalakbay kong diwa. Bumukas ang pintuan at may pumasok sa loob. I didn’t bother to look to know who was it.
“Ilagay niyo na lang po sa lamesa ang pagkain, Manang. Salamat po,” walang emosyon kong sabi at pinahiran ang luhang kumalawa.
I heard her scoff. “It’s me, bitch.”
Blangko akong napalingon dito. Quinn was here. She was holding a tray in her hand with food on it and water. Padabog niya itong inilagay sa bedside table bago nameywang na humarap sa akin.
“Don’t you assume. Inutusan lang ako.” She defensively rolled her eyes. Wala naman akong sinabi, ah?
Umiwas ako ng tingin at tumango. What was she feeling right now? Masaya kaya siya sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon? Masaya kaya siya sa mga balitang lumalabas sa akin? I bet she was more than pleased to hear and see those all. To watch me getting berserk and devastated. Sa laki ng galit niya sa akin, paniguradong tuwang-tuwa siya ngayon.
“I’m not happy if that’s what you are thinking,” sabi niya na para bang naririnig niya ang aking iniisip. I met her eyes. They were softening.
Naging mailap kaagad ang kaniyang mga mata at umismid siya sa akin.“I m-mean, who would be happy, right? Nasisira ang pangalan ng pamilya dahil sa ‘yo,” dagdag niya. “Duh. Makaalis na nga. Kumain ka na r’yan. Paimportante ka rin, eh. ‘Di bagay sa ‘yo.” Dali-dali siyang lumabas ng kwarto ko.
I sighed. I guess, hinding-hindi na talaga maaayos ang relasyon namin bilang magkapatid. She loathes me that much. She thought I betrayed her, which was partly true because I didn’t tell her we were related to each other. It was my fault that our status as sisters is not okay.
Betrayal. Small matter or not, it is still a betrayal. You wouldn’t know the person’s feelings until you experienced it yourself. And maybe, I was too harsh on her. Because instead of listening to her pain, I justified my own reasonings, which caused her to get more furious. And she… she was too clouded by the fact that I betrayed her that she forgot how to listen, too. I realized I haven’t had said my apology yet. I guess, I’ll tell her soon. I felt so sorry. It’s my fault again…
Makalipas ang ilang minuto matapos lumabas ni Quinn sa kwarto ko ay sunod namang pumasok si Helios. He slammed the door open.
His eyes was burning in anger. Jaw clenching. Brows knitted. Balled fists. Heavy footsteps. Napatayo ako mula sa kama. Bumayo sa kaba ang aking dibdib.
“D-dad…” I muttered, scared and nervous.
“What in the earth have you done?!” he shouted. “What the fuck did you do?! What have you done to the Nacino’s?!”
My lips parted. “P-po?”
His heavy breathing was enough to make my body shake. Kulang na lang ay may usok na lumabas sa kaniyang ilong dahil sa labis na galit. Namumula ang kaniyang mukha.
“You backed out, didn’t you?” mariin niyang tanong at hinawakan ako sa braso nang mariin.
I flinched in pain. Nangilid ang aking mga luha. “I-I… don’t know what’s the matter, Dad.”
He gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on my arm. “They called me a while ago! They showed me a photo of you going out with a man inside a condominium!”
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at naramdaman ko ang pamumutla ng aking buong mukha. Nanlalamig ang tiyan ko sa kaba at takot.
“T-that was p-probably a misunderstanding, Dad. Hindi yun totoo.” I shook my head and bit my bottom lip.
Mas humigpit ang hawak niya sa braso ko. “Liar.”
Napaiyak ako sa takot nang bigla niya akong itinulak sa kama at nagsimulang magkalas ng sinturon. I know where this would lead. Sasaktan na naman niya ako. Sasaktan na naman niya ako… Katulad nila ay sasaktan niya na naman ako…
“D-dad, hindi ko po alam ang sinasabi niyo. Condominium? A-ano naman ang gagawin ko roon?” I lamely denied.
“Don’t lie to me, Sunshine! You’re no good actress at all!” he yelled at me and fisted my hair.
Napasigaw ako sa sakit. Padarag niya akong binitiwan at sinunod akong pinatamaan ng dulo ng kaniyang sinturon kung saan naroon ang bakal.
“Ah!” I screamed when he hit me with his belt.
“Think! Think, Sunshine! I did this for you! Marry that guy and you will have a good life! But what have you done?! Sinira mo ang plano ko! I am not the only one who would gain from this thing! Pati ikaw! You can have a good life once you marry that guy!” sigaw niya habang patuloy sa paghampas sa akin.
“Dad! Tigil na p-po! Ah!” I screamed and cried every time the belt would land on my skin. Napapaigik ako sa sakit at hapdi sa bawat pagtama nito sa aking balat.
“You are stupid! Kagaya ka lang din ng walang kwenta mong ina! You two are stupid!”
“Dad! T-tama na… tama na!” Napahikbi ako at niyakap ang sarili. He kept on hitting me with his belt. Sa bawat paghampas niya sa akin ay tila kasabay niyon ang milyon-milyong punyal na tumatama sa aking dibdib. Masakit, napakahapdi, at nakamamatay.
“D-dad! P-please! S-stop it… I’m sorry! I-I’m sorry. Please, tama na po. B-buntis po ako. Please, t-tama na… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry… Hindi ko na po uulitin. P-papayag na ako sa lahat ng gusto niyo… Please, stop. Dad, I’m pregnant… Please, stop hurting us…”
Helios suddenly stopped. Napaupo ako sa kama at napatras. I hugged my body and buried my face on my knees as I sobbed vehemently.
“P-please… stop… My b-baby… don’t hurt my baby, please… I-I’m beggingl you… Please, don’t hurt us…” Humagulgol ako. “Buntis ako, Dad. Please, ‘w-wag niyo k-kaming saktan, maawa ka… Stop, please…”
It was as if the time stood still between us. My violent sobs dominated the four corners of my room as I hugged my body, protecting my child. No, they can hurt me but not my child. Not my baby.
“What…” I heard him utter, bewildered. Mas lalong kong isiniksik ang mukha sa aking tubod at umatras nang ilang beses sa kama hanggang sa lumapat ang aking likuran sa headboard.
“I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, God! I’m sorry, Dad. I’m s-sorry… Sorry,” humihikbing sabi ko.
Narinig kong lumagatok ang kaniyang mga buto. My whole body trembled.
“Who got you pregnant?” he firmly asked. Umiling ako. Wala akong maisasagot sa kaniya. Icarus doesn’t want this child. “Answer me!” he shouted.
I winced.“H-hindi ko alam… hindi ko alam…” Umiling ako nang ilang beses.
Hinakwit niya ang braso ko at galit akong tiningnan sa mga mata. His brown eyes seemed murderous. They were sharp and threatening.
“TELL ME WHO THE FUCK GOT YOU PREGNANT AND I’LL KILL HIM! TELL ME!” he shouted.
Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito kagalit. His body was trembling in anger as his face reddened. Nagtatagis ang kaniyang bagang at nagngingitngit ang kaniyang mga ngipin.
“H-hindi… H-hindi ko alam!” hikbing wika ko rito.
“WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT?!” Marahas niyang hinakwit ang braso ko at sapilitan akong pinatayo mula sa kama. Mahigpit at masakit ang pagkakasakal niya sa braso ko.
His threatening tone sent chills on my spine. Mas lalo akong natakot. I remembered the first time Papa John flew off his hand on my face to slap me. The fear, the pain, and the effect it caused me…
Umiling ako at yumuko. My whole body feels so drained. “N-no…”
“DAMN IT! DON’T MAKE ME LOSE MY TEMPER, SUNSHINE. DON’T MAKE ME DO THE THINGS YOU DON’T WANNA IMAGINE. TELL ME! WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT, HUH?!”
Patuloy ako sa pag-iling kasabay ng pag-agos ng tila’y gripo kong mga luha. I just wanna die at this moment. Parang gusto ko na lang maglaho at mamatay.
Ayoko na… I’m done with this. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everything… Pagod na pagod na ako… Pagod na ako sa lahat.
“DAD! STOP IT! YOU’RE HURTING HER!” said Travis who suddenly came into the view.
“Enough, Dad! Enough!” Nagulat ako nang biglang itinulak ni Travis si Helios papalayo sa akin at kinabig ako upang yakapin. Sumubsob ako sa kaniyang dibdib at doon umiyak nang umiyak.
“TRAVIS!” Dad growled. “Umalis ka rito sa kwarto ngayon din! Hindi kita pinapasok dito!”
“No, I won’t, Dad. This is too much. Why do you keep on hurting her? Put all the blames on her? Siding the other side instead of her? Kita mo na ngang nahihirapan na yung bata ngayon, sinasaktan mo pa! Nakita mo na ngang may kinakaharap siya ngayong problema, dinadagdagan mo pa! Why can’t you just leave her alone?! At talagang pinipilit mo pa talagang magpakasal sa Nacino na iyan!” He hissed. “Kung hindi mo siya tanggap bilang anak mo, kahit man lang bilang tao, tratuhin mo rin nang mabuti! Kapatid ko pa rin siya, Dad! Kapatid namin! Why are you so unfair, huh? She is still your daughter…”
“Get out of here. NOW!” Helios said through gritted teeth.
“No. I won’t, Dad. Sasaktan mo lang ulit siya.” He shook his head and tightened his hug on me. He caressed my head while he took a step back.
“That’s not your business anymore! Wala kang pakialam sa kahit anong gawin ko sa kaniya! I can do anything to her!”
“She’s your daughter for God’s sake, Dad!” he frustratedly shouted at our father. “Accept it or not, kadugo mo pa rin siya. Sa ‘yo nanggaling ang dugo na meron siya! Anak, Dad! Katulad namin, anak mo rin siya! Treat her like how you treat us!”
Hindi makapaniwalang natawa si Helios. “Now the tables were turned, huh? Travis, get out. You don’t wanna test my patience, do you?”
“The tables would never turn upside-down. Yes, I don’t like the idea of her living in with us. Pero hindi ibig sabihin no’n ay ayaw ko na siyang huminga. I do still want her to live, Dad. And this… this is my way of protecting her. Please…” Travis sighed. “Please, Dad, I beg you. Stop…” he said, exhausted.
“Try to imagine Quinn being beaten up. Would you like to see that? Would you like to see her and Isha getting beaten up to death? No. You don’t want that, right? Dahil kung ako ang tatanungin, Dad? Mas mabuting ako na lang ang masaktan kaysa ang mga kapatid kong babae. Ayaw ko rin. I don’t wanna see one of my sisters getting physically abused. I couldn’t stand to watch it and hear their pleas just to get heard by people and to seek help but no hand could lend them…” His voice broke.
“You are out of your mind, Travis.”
“No. Hindi, Dad. Sunshine had enough pain. Stop doing this. She got enough.” He sighed again. “Her mother died and she witnessed it. She got almost raped. She lived with her stepdad. And guess what I found out? She was abused there. Tapos ito naman ngayon, Dad? Hindi ka ba naaawa sa kaniya, ha? Have you not noticed her state right now? Pinag-uusapan siya ng lahat! Hinuhusgahan. She can’t even go back to school because of that fucking photo spreading on the internet. It might be a small matter for you and to everyone… but what about her, Dad? Can’t you see she’s traumatized?! Can’t you fucking see the scars on her wrist?! The fucking fresh wounds on her body?! And now, what? The bruises you just made to her…”
Humagulgol ako sa dibdib ni Travis. “You’re not our dad anymore. You are now a monster. You’re too cruel, Dad. You really are.” He disappointingly shook his head towards our dad. “If you can’t stand seeing her here just because she always reminds you of the fucking mistake you made, then fine. I’ll take her away from this house. I’ll take her away from you.”