Yeah, you can call me fucked up. I wouldn't disagree with you. I am fucked up. Everyone thinks to themselves, "Jooheon will be fine." No, he fucking won't. I'm fucking ruined. I'm ruined and no one fucking hears me.
I keep longing for the days where I have my brother again. He used to take care of me when no one else gave a fuck about me. He fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. And to know I couldn't fight for him the same way? That's a feeling that doesn't fucking go away.
It only goes away when I'm locked in my room, damn the mess. No one knows this but I broke up with Julie almost as soon as we started. She tried to care for me and I couldn't let her. No one, and I mean not one damn person in this world could care for me like Hyungwon did. Not Kihyun, not Julie, and damn sure not Minhyuk.
Do I feel bad about what I just did to Kihyun? Not as bad as used expect. I didn't lie, it should've been him. He should've been the one struggling. He calls himself caring about me? He got shot for me, whoop-de-fucking doo. Hyungwon would've shot someone for me. Would've killed someone for me. And he wasted that one good kill on himself.
I heard the slam in the bathroom and I heard Kihyun scream. I don't care. I really don't. I stuffed all my shit in a bag and started to leave. I needed out of this place. Fuck Kihyun.
I got to the front fucking door before I was stopped by Minhyuk. "Where are you going?" He asked before catching a look at the upstairs. "Is that blood?" He asked. I threw my bag down and sat on the couch.
"Fuck," I sighed. I was in trouble, I knew. I'm always in trouble nowadays. I'm always fighting a losing game. A small town boy in a big arcade, addicted to a losing game.
Minhyuk rushed upstairs. "Don't you fucking go anywhere," he snapped from upstairs. "Dude what the fuck did you two do?!" He opened the bathroom door and Kihyun's hysteria was heard from down here. Cry me a goddamn river. "Kihyun, what the fuck?!" Minhyuk screamed.
Kihyun was beyond himself. "I-I can't... I can't!" I decided to get up to see what it was like. Maybe I'd feel some compassion for him, who knows.
When I got upstairs, I saw Minhyuk on the floor with Kihyun like we'd been maybe half an hour ago. "Jooheon what happened, it looks like a fucking earthquake happened in the hallway! Why is he bleeding? What happened to your hand?" I assumed he was talking about Kihyun's hand. "No, look at yours!"
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at mine. He twisted my wrist, I guess it was hard enough to sprain. "I didn't even feel that," I mumbled, numb to everything. My physical pain, my emotional pain. Tomato, tomahto.
"Answer me!" Minhyuk screamed, scaring Kihyun a bit. "What happened here?!"
I shook my head. "Don't fucking talk to me about it. Ask Kihyun." I leaned against the wall. "I told him today wasn't the fucking day." Anything Minhyuk was gonna say wouldn't bother me.
Minhyuk rolled his eyes. "Clearly he can't fucking talk to me." Look at that bastard, completely fucking ruined. Good.
"He came to fucking bother me, that's what happened." I was as blank as the paper Hyungwon had before he told us how he'd never forgive himself and how Benji deserved better. "Cussed me out before he came upstairs. He decided to yell at me and I raised hell back, are you done?"
Kihyun shook his head, starting to hyperventilate. "Oh God," he whimpered before throwing up all over Minhyuk's perfect little outfit.
My brother just stared in disbelief at me. "Okay, Kihyun, you need to listen to me. We're gonna get you cleaned up, we're gonna get you both in the hospital to fix your hands. And then after you take a nap, you can tell me what happened?" Kihyun pathetically nodded, trying to pull himself together.
One trip to the hospital and a few sedatives later, we were back home. "I can get to my room," Kihyun mumbled, weakly walking upstairs to his room. When the door shut, Minhyuk instantly turned to me.
"Start talking to me, right fucking now." I shrugged him off, sitting on the couch. "Joo, I'm serious. None of this is like you. First of all, you dropped out of school." My eyes widened when he brought that up. "Yeah, I know. Don't act like I don't. What happened to you?" He asked.
I pointed upstairs. "I told you that's what happened to me. That piece of shit ruined our lives and you don't even care!"
Minhyuk furrowed his eyebrows. "The fuck is that supposed to mean? Do you know how hard he fought for you? Hell, more than I did. He fought me to get you the help and treatment you deserved. When his childhood demon came back and wanted to fuck with you, he was willing to give himself up for you. When Changkyun fucked with you, he went to war for your ass. And when you tried to kill yourself, he dropped every thing to come save you." I didn't want to hear it.
"I'll fucking do it again," I threatened. "Literally don't fucking test me. And are you forgetting what he did to Hyungwon? He made a mistake! And it cost him his fucking life."
Minhyuk sighed rubbing his face. "He wasn't a bad man but he fucked up what he had with Kihyun big time. You don't get to that level of manipulation and expect nothing to come from it, Jooheon." I stuck my tongue into my cheek, blown away at what he just told me.
I just glared at him. "Like you telling me I wasn't sick? Or, like Changkyun fucking with me because he knew I couldn't speak to stop it? Or like, I don't know, having my virginity constantly stolen from me? By girls, by boys. What about Mama, Dad telling her I was the reason he was leaving? What about you fucking with Hyungwon like he wasn't out goddamn brother? Or Kihyun wrapping Hyungwon around his fucking finger because he so happened to be on the roof with him." What lesson was he trying to convey to me?
"And if it weren't for Kihyun, we would've lost Hyungwon long ago," Minhyuk defended.
I kicked our coffee table, breaking the glass in the middle. "And if it weren't for you, we maybe wouldn't have had to lose him in the first goddamn place!"
He jumped a bit, startled by the glass. "Jooheon, listen to me." Minhyuk stood up, walking towards me. "Kiddo, yes. I blame myself for Hyungwon every day. I have ever since I realized how bad I fucked him up. But are you gonna crucify everyone who ever did him wrong? I promise you, everyone who truly had a part in hurting him is as hard on themselves as you're being right now. And you're hard on yourself and you did nothing." I shook my head, knowing that wasn't even remotely true.
"How does Kihyun look in Benji's face every damn day and act like he didn't take his father away from him?" I asked, tears starting to fall again. Let it be known, I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because I knew I couldn't make everyone hurt the way I hurt. The way Hyungwon hurt. I cried because there was nothing I could do to avenge him.
Minhyuk sighed, giving me a hug. "I don't know bud... I don't. But I need you to please keep talking to me." He let me go and bit his lip. "I don't know what exactly happened but I know you got violent with Kihyun. I'm gonna need your phone. I'm gonna turn on your playlist and connect it to your speaker in your room. Your door is gonna have to come down for today. And I want you to clean up. Please."
I shrugged, going to our closet and passing him the tool box. "Do what you gotta do, big bro." I sat down on the couch again, waiting for him to be done.