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"i'll pass on that offer. i can't kiss you if we become friends again. friends don't kiss. but i guess ex-best friends do."
"what?" i furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "mark i'm serious. can we makeup?" he seemed like he was joking around and i didn't know how to read him.
his humorous facade melted off his face and a torn expression enveloped him. it looked like he was fighting something in his head. he swallowed thickly before continuing.
"it's kinda funny" he chuckled but there was no humor in his words. "every night i would stay up all night thinking about when you would eventually come back to me. i've been waiting for this since the moment you turned your back on me and walked into jisung's car."
my heart started to race. this felt like more than a love confession. he was letting out all that he's been keeping in. all the unspoken words from the 7 years we knew each other. from brewing at the top for too long, it was finally erupting.
he paused to exhale deeply. it seemed like he was trying his hardest to get the words out. he clenched his jaw.
"now you're in front of me, asking me to come back to you. this is exactly what i've been waiting for. but now that i've gotten a taste of what we could have." his eyes flickered up to my lips for a moment then back down to the floor. i tensed over the fact that he couldn't look me in the eyes to talk to me.
"i won't settle for less" he finally met my eyes and spoke with an edge to his voice. like he finally got what he wanted to say out. there was firmness in his voice, a sense of determination.
"what do you mean?" i spoke lowly while looking intently into his eyes. the truth is i was afraid of what he would say next.
"we can makeup but i won't hold your hand as a friend. i won't kiss you as a friend either. i spent 7 years with you, pretending all the feelings i had for you were platonic. i won't walk by your side just for you to call me your friend. i don't want to just be your friend anymore." he said it with will power but somehow there was weakness in his voice.
he was speaking from the heart. i tried to conceal my emotions as much as possible, the emotions i didn't even know i was feeling. i gulped and was about to say something but he beat me to it.
"i never really wanted to be just your friend" his hoarse voice cut through the silence. my heart was clenching at all the unsaid words that were being revealed.
"you're the closest person to me, but there's still such a distance between us. no matter how close we got there's always a space between us. that space is the feelings we tried so hard to avoid." he added.
"let's close that gap. i know what i want, i've always known but i waited for you to know what you want too. and now it seems like you do." he exhaled deeply with those vulnerable eyes that drilled into mine.
my throat dried up and i couldn't get any words out.
"maybe my silent confessions to you were too silent. i could never tell you to your face but i always thought my actions were enough to show you. i guess it wasn't obvious enough. but i won't shy away from it now. i know you're scared annie. i know you don't want to ruin what we hav—
he stopped himself and our heavy breathing was all that was heard.
had.. what we had." he corrected himself and his eyes glossed over. "we can't play it safe for the rest of our life. maybe i'd prefer to remain a memory than return to how we were. you looking at me like i'm a stranger stings, but you looking at me like all i am is a friend, burns." his eyes began to water and so did mine.
i wanted so bad to reach out to him. the way he was looking at me, like i was the only thing on earth drove me crazy. i wanted to run into his arms and never leave them.
he's was a home in human form. and i wanted so badly to go home.
i felt a tear slip. he caught it, of course. like he always does.
"i don't want to burn anymore." his hurt eyes shot through mines as his thumb wiped away my tear and he held his hand on my cheek. my hand enveloped his hand that was resting on my cheek. i squeezed my eyes shut and leaned into his touch automatically.
another dry laugh rose from his lips. "although i can assure you, if you asked me to stay by your side as a friend, i'd probably put up with the burn. i'd stay until all that's left is ashes. until i'm wilted and on my last legs." he chuckled his eyes held no humor.
i almost crumbled at how weak he was, he was baring everything to me.
"i know i said i won't settle for less but the truth is, if you asked, i would. it's like i lose every strength that surges through my body once you look at me like that." his voice was shaky. my knees almost gave out at his words.
his voice broke. my heart sank. "this is me being vulnerable, all my cards are on the table. now all you have to do is show me yours."
i didn't respond to him. there was no words that were coming out of me. a silence rose and his eyes become more and more defeated. he pressed his lips into a thin line at my unresponsive nature and turned to walk away.
"mark?" my shaky voice rang out.
i couldn't let him walk away again. i couldn't find the right words to say to him now but i couldn't let him walk away with nothing from me. i wasn't prepared to lay all my cards on the table but i needed him to know that i was willing to eventually do so. he was patient and i was thankful for that because my revelation might be slower than his.
he turned around and i ran into his arms. he understood quickly, opened his arms and caught me. i jumped into his arms and he pressed me against him by my waist, holding me there. i took his head into my hands and looked at him adoringly.
i know what i wanted.
i stared at him intently and he held my body up to where i was looking down at him. he was waiting in anticipation for what i was going to say or do next.
my eyes cast down to his lips and i flickered my eyes up to his. i could feel his hot breath hit my lips. our faces were inches apart. he was looking at me like he wanted me to continue whatever i was planning to do. i didn't have a plan though. i was acting on emotion. this was what he was asking me to do the entire time. i won't let fear stop me now.
i knew that i needed to communicate my feelings to him but the words escaped me and i couldn't form any sentences at the moment. so i decided on another way of letting him know i was falling for him.
perhaps i could use my lips for another purpose, other than talking.
i closed my eyes and moved towards his lips. i barely had to move far because his lips were already so close to mine. i pressed my lips against his and softly molded my lips with his. it was very slow and gentle. this was my confession.
i know it's not enough compared to his confession, but i was taking baby-steps. this was my way of telling him that my walls were starting to fall. not fully, but i was getting there.
i caressed his cheek with the hands that were holding his face. he responded to my kiss with passion. our kiss held patience and comfort.
we continued for a few more seconds before i moved my arms to his neck and tried to get down. he understood this and leaned me down. my feet hit the cement and reality hit me. our eyes were glued on each other as he set me down. it felt like we were daydreaming into each other's eyes. except this wasn't a dream. but it sure did feel like it.
i was the first to crack a smile. my cheeks puffed up into a smile that i couldn't contain. he returned the smile when he saw my blushed face. redness painted his cheeks and i took the time to admire it.
"what happened? i thought you wanted to stay friends." he mused while leaning down towards me.
"friends can't kiss each other like this. so i guess we shouldn't be friends." a smug grin tugged at my lips and i went on my tip toes to pull his lips onto mine. he chuckled against my lips as he bent down to my level. he deepened the kiss and held one hand on my cheek while the other wrapped around my waist. i smiled against his lips and i felt him do the same.
it was a relieving feeling. i feel like i just crossed the finish line of what felt like an endless marathon. as our bodies pressed against each other i realized i never really lost him.
he was always mine and i was always his.
we broke apart to breath and he rested his forehead on mine. he gazed in my eyes and he couldn't help but crack a grin.
it dawned on me that i hadn't seen mark's friends at all today. "where are your friends? i thought you said you guys planned to go here anyway." my head tilted at him.
he scoffed lightly . "come on, didn't you figure it out already? there was no plan to come here with them. i only came here because you were going on your little date" his grit out the last word.
i shook my head and laughed lightly. he buried his head into the crook of my neck and inhale. i shuddered as his breath hit my neck. i brought my hands up and ran them through his hair.
i accepted the comfort that his touch welcomed. we stayed there until i felt him lift his head and pull back.
his eyes wandered to something behind me and a disappointed look washed over him.
"go with him" he looked behind me. "i'll see you at school on monday." he straightened up but his arms remained around me.
i furrowed my eyes at him in question. i would've thought that he wanted a straight-forward answer from me, but he was letting me go without giving him one.
"i've waited 7 years for you to confess your real feelings for me, i think i can wait another weekend. i've wanted to say these three words to you for the longest time" he sighed.
"just know that my three words will be ready for you when you are." he spoke as he ran his hands through my hair. "the ball in your court now."
i grew nervous, it was all up to me. our fate was in my hands and the pressure was building on me. i think he could sense how pressured i felt because he tried to lighten the burden right after.
"i'll be patient for you. my arms will always be ready for you to run into" he reassured me and backed away as we heard footsteps approaching. he shot me one last glance before getting into his car.
i hated the feeling of his arms slipping out of mine so much that i almost didn't let him go. it felt like my my home was leaving me.
"sorry i left my jacket in there" he apologized as he stuffed his jacket into his bag.
"ready to go home?" renjun's voice rang beside me as he fell into step with me.
i nodded while staring blankly at the spot where mark drove off from.
i'm ready to finally come home.
this was the end of a friendship but the start of something more beautiful, with mark. the loss of one thing meant the gain of another, something much better. i didn't want to be just be friends with mark either.
i didn't realize that when i turned my back on him that day, that it was going to be last day i considered him my best friend.
in a way it was bittersweet. i was officially grieving our past friendship, while also welcoming a new future with him, one where our hearts are open. a world where we're more than friends.
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