Goodbye Lullaby (COMPLETED)

Chapter 45

What the fuck.

Nangunot ang noo ko at nilagpasan ang classroom nang makarinig ng daing mula sa dulo ng hallway. It was followed by an awful laugh and I immediately figured someone was being bullied somewhere at this floor of our building. It's two in the afternoon. Kagagaling ko lang sa cafeteria para makatakas sa boring na subject at ito pa ang mas makakapagpalate sa 'kin sa susunod na period.

"Your parents are useless! Maghihiwalay na nga lang, nag-iwan pa ng kagaya mo! Kawawa ka naman at nabuhay ka pa—"

My blood boiled instantly. Nakarating na ako sa kinaroroonan ng away at nadatnan ko pang tumatayo yung babaeng maliit at nakaponytail ang buhok. In front of her is a damn guy who didn't even look like the typical bully at school as he was fucking skinny and just plain ugly.

"—siguradong ayaw nilang makita 'yang pagmumukha mo dahil iniwan ka nila! Hindi ba baby ka pa no'n? Wala ka kasing kwenta!"

I balled my fist and was about to step in, but my lips parted when the small girl kicked the hell out of his right knee. The ugly guy yelped in pain as he hold on to his shin, jumping and wincing. But the girl wasn't done yet.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko nang buksan niya ang pintuan patungo sa pinagbabawal na hagdan at tinulak papasok do'n yung lalaki. Ugly guy was shouting as the girl locked the door of the staircase from the outside. She kicked it after, as if letting out her remaining anger, then she turned around and our eyes met. 

My lips are still parted as she started walking towards my direction. Parang nawala ang inis ko at napalitan ng pagkamangha. Her lips were pursed and her eyes looked scary at one glance, but expressive as you continuously stare at it.

Umusbong ang kaunting kaba sa dibdib ko nang nasa harapan ko na siya. I stepped back, my forehead creasing as I vividly saw how her eyes slowly closed and when she opened it, her gaze was already directed straight at the hallway ahead. Hindi ko manlang napansin na napasunod ako sa kanya nang lagpasan niya ako na para bang wala lang. Like I didn't witness what she did. 

I was that impressed that I didn't know how long I stared at where she disappeared into. Naririnig ko pa rin ang sigaw ng lalaking kinulong niya sa hunted staircase. I don't normally meddle with these kinds of... stuff... but I think that ugly guy deserves to be where he is. Napanguso ako ngunit kalaunan ay kumawala ang ngisi sa labi.

Like I wasn't hearing anything, I turned around and went back to my classroom, whistling as I remembered how the guy got in there. It's 2 PM. What a crime to have witnessed on my birthday...

Elementary is weird. Kids are being taught proper manners and all the good stuff, but as I see it, we don't really learn that in school. The only thing that matters most to us — well, for me — is the freedom we acquire from being sent to this learning institution. You know... at home we don't really get to do the stuff we do with our friends in school so I guess that's one of the reason why I still attend elementary. 

Going away from home for approximately 9 hours, forcing myself not to fall asleep during boring lectures, attending religious events (perks of being in a catholic school) and fooling around with my classmates and friends all day.

But that's elementary for me.

For others, as I've observed, school is some sort of a place where they can rebel or flaunt their superiority complex. Some kids here make everything a competition and when you don't give a shit about them, they'll gather their sidekicks and make fun of you. Like the scenes in those crappy movies, bow down to the campus king and queen shit.

Seriously? That's not what I'm here for. Kids are supposed to be kids. Just happy, kind, genuine, and free. How do children even learn how to hurt others their age?

Well, I guess I'd never know. 

"Dude!"

The first thing Valentine Castallejo did when he entered our classroom the next day was to go to me and pull me out in the hallway. Binawi ko ang braso at nagkusang sumama sa kung sa'n siya pupunta. The bell is about to ring. Halos wala nang estudyante sa paligid para sa first period at dapat nasa classroom lang kami ni Valen, but I don't really mind cutting classes. I don't like our first subject today anyway.

"Where are we going?" I asked. My hands are in my pockets as we made our way down the main stairs of the building.

"I happened to walk by the guidance office earlier and I heard someone got called in for a major offense," Valen answered like it's big news to me.

I chuckled. "That happens every week, dude. Don't tell me we're about to scout outside the office again."

"But it's fun!" Binilisan niya na ang lakad palabas ng building. "Where else do you wanna be in right now? I'm tired of answering absurd questions about returning the excess exchange at the store when the vendor forgets his addition and subtraction abilities. I already know my GMRCs!"

We both laughed. Fortunately, I got myself a friend who shares the same sentiments as me. Valentine Castallejo is a talkative son of a beautiful woman. I've met him in 1st grade and I'm not gonna lie, his mother was the first person I'd noticed on the first day of school. He was just second, and if the chair next to me was occupied that day, we wouldn't have been friends.

Valen is pretty much like me. He doesn't care about senseless stuff that most of our schoolmates live with everyday. Like me, he's also just in school for fun. Pareho kaming pariwara ngunit paminsan minsan namang nasasali sa honor roll. He's also good looking—given that his mother is probably the most beautiful grown up woman (next to my Mom) I've ever seen. We're both tall, but I can't really measure because there are times where I grow taller than him, then he'll catch up and be taller than me. It's a never ending race, so we can only know when we've grown full size already.

"Great! You're here again, Kuya Lando. Good morning!" Bati ni Valen nang marating na namin ang likod ng guidance office. Tumango naman ang janitor na naghahanda ng cleaning materials niya. Bumati rin ako at umupo na sa wooden bench do'n.

This janitor headquarters is located at the back of the office. Sa dalas naming magcutting, nakaibigan na namin si Kuya Lando. He hears all the rumors and gossips around the school. I don't really care about those, but it's a good topic to talk about when you're killing time and waiting for your next period to come.

"Saktong sakto ang dating niyo. May tao riyan sa guidance..." panimula niya.

"Yeah, I heard. But who is it this time?" Valen asked.

"Si Alistine Villegas!" Natawa si Kuya Lando. "Matindi ang batang 'yon. Kinulong yung kaklase do'n sa abandonadong hagdanan at ako pa ang nakahanap. Ang sabi, sinipa raw siya at tinulak sa hagdan. Buti nga at napadaan ako ro'n kundi baka do'n na siya nagpalipas ng gabi. Akala ko pa nga nung una multo yung sumisigaw!"

Sa unahan pa lang ng kwento niya ay napatuwid na ako ng upo. Kinulong sa abandonadong hagdanan?

"What!" I exclaimed.

They both turned to me. Sinapawan ni Valentine ang reaksyon ko sa pag-aakalang nagulat din ako kagaya niya. "Dude, that's scary! Kaya pala major offense daw!"

"Oo at buong afternoon period pa nakakulong do'n si Basel. Galit na galit ang magulang at gustong makipagkita sa mga Villegas, kaso kumplikado ang pamilyang 'yon kaya yung kasambahay lang ang kasama ni Alistine dyan sa office ngayon."

Nangunot ang noo ko sa iritasyong naramdaman. "But it's not entirely her fault!"

Valen turned to me again. "How do you know that?"

"I was there yesterday! I saw what happened and that ugly guy was bullying her!"

"What?!"

Napaawang din ang labi ni Kuya Lando.

"What happened? Why didn't you tell me about this!" Dagdag pa ni Valen.

I feel so irritated that I started explaining to the both of them. Bakit yung babae ang nadidiin ngayon samantalang kasalanan naman nung pangit na lalaki kung ba't siya nakulong do'n!

"So you mean, Alistine just straight up kicked that bully and locked him up there to rot?" Valen was amazed when I nodded. "Cool!"

Mangha rin si Kuya Lando na kanina pa nananahimik. Medyo nainis din ako sa kanya dahil pinaniwalaan niya yung bully na 'yon. Wala naman dapat akong ika-irita, but the thought that the whole school knows the incorrect story just didn't sit well with me.

"Serves him right, honestly. It's not cool to make fun of somebody else's annulled parents... and the foul insults, too." Valen said.

I nodded. "I know. That's why I didn't let him out. He deserves to be locked in there."

Kuya Lando sighed. "Gano'n talaga ang laging kinakalaban niyang si Alistine. Sikat ang mga magulang no'n ngunit naghiwalay agad. Siguro para sa mga batang katulad niyo, kakaiba ang ideya ng hiwalay na magulang kaya pinagtatawanan siya dahil do'n."

Valen and I exchanged glances.

"Well not for Eros and I..." depensa agad niya.

"Yeah. Understanding a certain situation isn't even that hard to do. Why would they take Alistine's separated parents as a joke to insult her?" I said. "Some kids are just really insensitive."

"Mabuti nga at ganyan kayo mag-isip," tumayo na si Kuya Lando hawak ang walis. "Ang ilang mga magulang kasi ay suportado pa sa kasakiman ng mga anak. Hindi tuloy naitutuwid ang ugali."

That stayed with me even when Kuya Lando left for work already. Nanatili pa kami ni Valen sa likod ng office hanggang sa malapit nang matapos ang first period.

"Oh, look!"

Napalingon ako sa likod bago pa makapasok ng building namin. Valentine didn't even need to point because I already saw what he meant.

"So, that's Alistine Villegas," he whispered to himself. "So cool... and pretty."

Hindi ako nagsalita habang pinapanood ang paglabas ni Alistine mula sa office. May lumapit na batang lalaki sa kanya at may sinabi ngunit umirap lang siya at nagkibit balikat. Sunod kong nakita ang 'di katandaang babae na dala ang bag niya. They stood and talked there for a while before Alistine and her yaya turned to leave. Ang batang lalaki naman ay sa direksyon namin papunta.

Hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam ng hiwalay ang magulang ngunit sa nakita ko kay Alistine, mukhang wala siyang pakialam. It's hard to know what she feels because she doesn't really show her emotions. Well I've only seen her twice and at those two encounters, wala akong ibang nakita kundi ang suplada niyang mukha.

Sa sumunod na mga araw, hindi ko na siya nakita. Valen moved on. Ibang bagay na ang nakaagaw ng atensyon niya dala ng patapos na huling taon namin sa elementary.

"This is very childish!" Reklamo ko nang ilapag niya ang slambook sa lamesa ko. Ilang ganito na ang pinasagutan niya sa 'kin dahil lang nagsagot din siya.

"Come on, dude. Stop being a kill joy!" Valentine insisted. "Last year na natin 'to. Remembrance mo na lang kay Ara."

I scoffed. Ganyan din ang sinabi niya sa lahat ng pinasagutan niya sa 'king slambook ng mga kaklase namin! It's tiring. Pare-pareho lang naman ang sagot ko at nakakatamad magsulat.

In the end, I still answered. 

Who's your crush? 

I chuckled when I got to that part. Tinignan ko ang sagot ni Valen at nakitang artista ang nilagay niya ro'n. Paiba iba ang sinusulat niyang crush sa iba't ibang slambook, but this time I agree with him. Who wouldn't have a crush on Dove Cameron and Emma Watson, right?

But I don't wanna copy his answer. Iniwanan ko na lang ang tanong na 'yon dahil wala naman akong ibang maisip maging crush. I'm still young for that.

"Why did you leave this one out?" Valen had to question when I gave him the slambook back. 

I shrugged. "I don't have a crush," but as I was saying it, the memory of Alistine Villegas walking past me in the hallway replayed in my head. My forehead creased. 

"Oh, just write Psyche!" Valen suggested.

I tilted my head to the left, shaking off the memory I just remembered. "Who's Psyche?"

He grinned. "Eros' wife in Greek Mythology. Don't you find it astig?" 

Nangunot lang lalo ang noo ko. And Valentine only realized I'm not following him with his Greek stuff. "What! You don't know the myth?!" 

"The hell I care about Greek Mythology. I don't even know a thing about our own myth."

"Wow, you're unbelievable!"

I shrugged again, but I found myself writing the name "Psyche" next to the question with Alistine Villegas in my mind.

Our classmates got curious about what I wrote in that particular slambook after. Doon lang kasi ako may sinulat sa tanong na 'yon at nang malaman ang ibig sabihin ng Psyche sa Greek Mythology, lahat sila tila namangha na may asawa ako ro'n. Again, I don't really care about that stuff, sinunod ko lang ang gusto ni Valen na isulat ko. But I got curious, too.

So when I got home, I asked my mother.

"What's a Psyche, Mama?"

Napatigil sa pagluluto ang Mommy ko nang makita akong nakahalukipkip sa tabi niya.

"My classmates are making a fuss about that name. Did you name me after her god husband in Greek Mythology?"

My mother, Nikolina Oriordan, gave me a warm smile. "Well, yes, baby. Your father was also named after the Greek sun god."

Tumahimik ako bilang paghihintay sa susunod niya pang sasabihin. She stared at me for a moment before letting out a chuckle.

"Why? Are they pressuring you to find your own Psyche?"

My nose wrinkled. "They just find it cool that I have a wife in the myth. And they said, the person that I'd end up marrying someday could be called Psyche. They're too advanced. I don't even have a crush yet."

I don't know what's funny, but my Mom kept giggling. 

"Biruan lang naman iyon, hijo," she said. "I didn't intend naming you after the Greek god for that, but you can take their advice, though. Once you find the right girl, you can call her Psyche as an endearment."

Of course, as a kid, I found it corny. I'm still young to think about grown up stuff. Binaon ko na lang 'yon sa memorya ko dahil ayoko pang isipin.

Graduation came and that's when I saw Alistine Villegas again. She's with her yaya. Doon ko lang din nalaman na galing pala siya sa first section pati ang pinsan niyang si Justin Villegas. They're both academic achievers though I don't know how it happened with Alistine since she's got records at the guidance office. Not to rain on her parade, alright? I'm just wondering.

But I think she deserves her awards anyway. Naalala ko bigla ang pambubully sa kanya nung nakaraan. She only got records because she chose to fight her bullies back. Now, I don't know how the justice system in school works, but I think giving Alistine what she deserves in the academic area was great. At least she had one uncruel thing from elementary.

Naggala kami ni Valen sa event's hall pagkatapos ng ceremony. Our classmates are everywhere. Maraming gusto ng picture at dahil maraming kakilala si Valentine, kung saan saan ako napunta kasama siya. Our parents are talking somewhere in the hall at tumakas lang kami dahil nainip na.

"Dude, congrats!" Bati niya sa panibagong nakitang kakilala. I nodded my head once as a greeting then I minded my own business from then on. Si Valen lang naman itong madaldal.

As I was looking around, I found Alistine walking to our direction with her yaya. Her forehead was slightly creased as she looked down at her awards in her hand. I gotta admit, she's really pretty. Cat-like eyes and pouty lips that looked so soft. Her hair is naturally wavy, too. The first time I saw her, I've only said she's small because I'm taller than her. Matangkad siya kumpara sa mga kaedad naming babae.

Sa paninitig ko ay 'di ko na namalayang tumigil sila malapit sa 'kin. 

"Maybe I can show this to Mommy...?" Naging patanong iyon nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa yaya niya. Ngumiti ito nang alanganin at bigla na lang akong nakaramdam ng inis. 

Damn, don't you dare disappoint her with your answer!

But then the nanny just said, "Susubukan natin, Miss." 

I groaned inwardly. I don't even know why I'm eavesdropping, but it made me frustrated.

Tinitigan siya ni Alistine sa gumuguhit na labi bago bumuntong hininga. I didn't know why I took a step forward when she looked away and hid her award inside her bag. Nabato ako nang magsimula siyang maglakad at nilagpasan ako. 

"Huwag na lang, po." She said, and that was the last time I saw her before the summer break.

She stayed on my mind for a couple of days. I got curious. Noong una ko pa lang siyang nakita, napukaw na ang interes ko. I figured it's because of her strong façade. I admired how she dealt with her bullies without even shedding a tear. It really got me curious but, of course, I didn't push knowing her life more because... that's creepy. I don't even know if she remembers me.

I just prayed and hoped she enrolls in our school for Junior High so I'll be able to know her the right way.

"What's up?" Valen greeted me when I entered our classroom on the first day of classes.

"Oh, please." I smirked and brought my bag down on the chair next to him. "You act as if we didn't see each other every day of the whole summer vacation."

He grinned. "Just tryin' to fit in, you know. Lahat ng mga kaklase natin tinanong 'yon sa isa't isa."

Napailing na lang ako at umupo na. Most of our classmates from elementary are here in this section. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang maglibot at kilalanin yung mga bago dahil makikilala ko rin naman sila kalaunan sa taong ito. Si Valen lang talaga itong palakaibigan dahil hindi napapagod dumaldal.

"You know in summer, when you get rashes—" naputol ang sinasabi niya nang mapatuwid ako ng upo. "What?" He asked before following my line of vision.

Naibaba ko ang paang nakapatong sa upuang nasa harap ko. My lips parted and my breathing hitched. Alistine Villegas entered the room and as if my ears malfunctioned, I didn't hear a thing aside from the curses I muttered inside my head.

As she stood in front with Justin Villegas trying to find a seat, I noticed the changes in her body. She grew taller than the last time I saw her and her wavy hair falls down to her waist now. The uniform did justice to her curves. Hanggang ilalim ng tuhod ang skirt niya at ang blouse naman ay sakto lang sa sukat ng upper body. Her upturned eyes made her gaze look sharper without even trying.

Naitikom ko ang bibig nang magtama ang tingin namin at do'n ko lang natantong ang upuan sa harap namin ni Valen ang napili nilang pwesto. 

I cleared my throat and shifted on my seat. When I turned to Valen, nagtataka na itong nakatitig sa 'kin. I glared at him and at whatever he's thinking, then I raised my eyebrow. "What about rashes?" Balik ko sa kaninang dinadaldal niya.

Ngunit hindi na niya nasagot 'yon dahil naagaw na ng dalawang Villegas ang atensyon niya. Justin sat in front of me, while Alistine sat in front of Valen. May pinag-uusapan silang tungkol sa breakfast at gano'n na lang ang hiya ko nang kalabitin sila ni Valen. I groaned inwardly.

"Hey, I'm Valentine Castallejo and this is my friend, Eros Oriordan. Are you talking about going to the caf?"

I bit my lower lip. What a great way to introduce ourselves, really! Nangunot ang noo ni Alistine at si Justin naman ay ngumiti.

"Hey..." bati niya. "Yes, we're thinking about getting breakfast there. Do you wanna come?"

Hindi ko alam kung magugulat ba ako o ano. That's how Valentine socializes. I immediately figured out him and Valen would get along really well.

"Yeah," sagot ni Valentine. Tumayo na ito kaya naman sa 'kin na napatingin si Justin na para bang nagtatanong kung sasama rin ako. I saw Alistine standing up and getting her wallet from her bag.

I shrugged. "Sure."

Magkatabi kami ni Valen habang naglalakad sa likod nung dalawa. It's still very early and I'm sure magkakaroon pa ng flag ceremony. Valen and I don't mind ditching that one, but I don't know about the two, though. 

"I'm Justin, by the way..." he introduced himself with a smile. It looks sarcastic, but that's where I felt we'd get along. I smirked and accepted his hand. "Nice to meet you... I guess."

"Nice to meet you, too, dude." He said before turning to Valen. 

Alistine and I's gazes locked. Sa kasupladahan ng mukha niya ay akala ko hindi siya mamamansin ngunit naglahad din siya ng kamay. "Dionne," she said.

Nangunot pa ang noo ko ngunit naisip ko ring pangalan niya iyon. "Eros." I accepted her hand. 

She nodded. "Like the Greek god..."

"Yeah," I muttered. "Like the Greek god."

She smiled. I suddenly found myself seeing how she vividly averted her gaze from me again and introduced herself to Valentine.

I really don't know what's with her that amuses me. Hindi niya ako naaalala ngunit siya, hindi nawala sa isip ko. The four of us became friends since then. We ditched the flag ceremony and our first period. Mabilis kaming nagkonekta dahil pare-pareho kami ng ugali.

"You have a very nice voice!" Valen said one day when we were hanging out in their house. Nakita ni Justin ang gitara niya at hinamon si Dionne kumanta. I was surprised because I didn't know she could sing!

"We could form a band!"

Dionne laughed at that. "Stop being silly!" But then we were all looking at each other knowingly. Nanaig ang katahimikan habang umiikot ang parehong ideya sa mga utak namin. Napangisi ako.

"Well," I shrugged. "I guess I'll be the drummer."

Valen beamed. "Great!" Tinuro niya si Justin. "I'll give you the lead guitar, I'll do the bass, and Dionne will provide the vocals."

"Sounds like a plan."

"We just need a studio," I said.

"Well, I got plenty of spaces in my house." Dionne answered.

I've never been to her place before, but I know she lives in a mansion with just her yaya. A damn mansion! It must be lonely to live there... but then, if there's one thing I've learned about Dionne, it's that she never complains about her life. She rarely talks about it and I respect that. Iyon din ang naging basehan ko na okay lang siya.

I just couldn't avoid thinking that having our studio at her place would be great so she'd have other people around and... it would somehow make her house feel less lonely.

"It's settled, then." Justin concluded.

We've only been friends for half a year, but it already felt like fucking forever. Forming a band with them is a commitment I didn't regret signing up for. I think it's what made us closer. Though, we don't really talk about that kinda stuff 'cause it's corny and cringey. I just know that our circle will be it for me. You know... the friends you bring 'till the end of life. I realized that when all my plans just suddenly include them. At gano'n din sila.

At 8th grade, Justin and Valen started fooling around with girls. They said it was just for fun since all the girls they date aren't really the serious type. I guess I was too correct when I said the two of them would get along really fucking well. I don't see the point in dating this early, but I gave it a try anyway.

The longest relationship I've had is two months. Naintindihan ko rin agad kung bakit laro laro lang ito para sa karamihan ng nasa highschool. Teenagers like us are curious about a lot of stuff and I'd be lying if I said I'm not one of them. 

"Where's your cousin?" I asked Justin when I noticed that it's almost the end of our first period yet Dionne's still not around.

"I don't know. When I texted her, nasa bahay pa raw..." bulong niya habang pasimpleng kinakalikot ang cellphone sa ilalim ng desk niya.

"Baka natraffic," hula naman ni Valen sa tabi ko.

The crease on my forehead remained even when I accepted their reasons. I just find it weird because lately, Dionne seemed so stressed. Palaging nalilate at kapag uwian naman, nag-aayang kumain sa labas. Hassle pa kasi palaging nagrereklamo yung girlfriend nung dalawa. I'm currently single so I don't have problems eating out with Dionne. Plus I don't really see the point of restricting your partner to go out with their friends. And it's bros before hoes for us four so sumasama pa rin kami kay Dionne. Hindi rin siya nagpapapunta ng kahit sino sa bahay niya and I got so curious, alright?

So when we got paired up for a project, I decided to come over. Hindi niya alam ang tungkol sa project namin dahil absent siya no'n at nasaktuhan pang walang nakabunot sa 'kin bilang partner kaya siya ang nakapareha ko.

Eros:
Are you home?

Nandito na 'ko sa labas ng bahay niya ngunit parang walang tao dahil nakalock ang gate. I tried calling her number, but instead of answering, she declined and sent a reply.

Alistine:
Yes. Why?

I bit my lower lip.

Eros:
We're partners in a science project. I have the materials now.

Bago ko pa masundan ang text ko ay nagreply na siya.

Alistine:
Alright. I'll be at your place in 30.

Damn.

Bigla kong pinagsisihan na nagpunta pa ako. She surely doesn't want visitors... but I'm... kinda worried. I wanna know what she's up to these days. Hindi man kami masyadong nag-uusap, but that doesn't erase the fact that we're friends. I can check up on her anytime now.

Nandito na rin naman ako at wala siyang sasakyan papunta sa 'min, bakit pa kami lalayo 'di ba?

Eros:
I'm outside your house now actually.

She didn't reply. Ilang sandali lang ay nakita ko nang bumukas ang double doors ng bahay niya. She appeared in a pair of satin pajamas with her hair in a messy ponytail or whatever you call that.

"Why are you so early?" Tanong niya, hinihingal pa.

Now I felt bad again.

"I thought you're up already. I was thinking we could finish the electronic circuit if we start doing it early... I'm sorry for the short notice."

Umiling lang siya at pinapasok na 'ko. I quietly followed. Nagtataka pa rin ako dahil usually, ang yaya niya ang sumasalubong sa mga bisita. Pero ngayon, mukhang wala si Nanny Felicia at kagigising lang ni Dionne.

"I'll just shower quickly," she said after giving me a glass of juice. My forehead is still creased because she looks panicky. Nasa kusina kami, nakatayo sa harap ng ref, at bitbit ko pa ang paperbag ng materials na gagamitin namin. I nodded before it gets totally awkward.

Nagpunta na lang ako sa living room para ayusin ang gamit. Bumaba rin naman siya agad at pareho na kaming nagtrabaho matapos kong ipaliwanag sa kanya ang gagawin. We argued for a few minutes before that actually. We both came up with different ideas so, naturally, I fought for mine and she fought for hers. But in the end, pinaghalo na lang namin ang ideya.

"What?" I asked when she turned sharply at me after I played music on my phone. "It's so quiet." Rason ko.

Her eyebrow raised and the corner of her lips curved into a smirk. I raised my brows too.

"You scared to be left alone with me in silence?" She teased. "Why do I have a feeling..."

"What?" I asked almost immediately.

I was confused and yet she pouted as if suppressing her laughter. My gaze went down to her lips, then I averted it and glared at her. Natawa na siya sa hindi malamang dahilan.

"Stop thinking about malicious things," I said.

Her laughter went back inside her tummy and she stared at me with her lips parted. "I'm not!"

"Then what do you mean I'm scared being alone with you in silence?" I challenged.

"I just noticed you're awfully silent around me and I find it funny! Ikaw yata ang nag-iisip ng ibang bagay."

Now, she took me by surprise again. "I'm always quiet! At ano namang iisipin ko? I don't see you as someone na pag-iisipan ko ng kung ano."

Now, she looks offended. "Are you saying that I'm not attractive?"

"What?" Nangunot ang noo ko. She's very fucking attractive, but the way she said that, parang gusto niya pang maattract ako sa kanya, ah?

"I'm not attractive?!" She repeated. "So, what do I look like in your eyes, huh?"

"Wait," napahalukipkip ako. "Why are you so mad? Of course, you're very attractive! It's just that I only see you as a friend."

"Oh, so now you're saying that if we weren't friends, you'd see me as someone you can go out with?"

What?!

Seriously? Why would she think about that! I've never thought of her that way!

Hindi makapaniwala akong tumingin sa kanya. "That is not my point!"

Bago pa siya makasabat ulit ay inunahan ko na. "My point here is that we're friends. We're not supposed to be attracted with each other..." nangunot ang noo ko. "Yes, you're hella gorgeous. But we're friends, so I don't see you as someone beyond that... because!" I raised my hand to stop her incoming reaction. "Because that would just ruin what's between us."

I don't know if that made sense. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. It's beating madly that it hurts! Dionne's upturned eyes are sharply staring at me. Then it went back to normal, which doesn't really change a thing because her eyes are naturally sharp. Mapapansin mo lang ang kaibahan sa mga titig niya kapag nasaulo mo na siya.

"Right..." she uttered. Umayos siya ng upo sa sahig at tumikhim. "Too bad for you, then. You won't get to date me."

I chuckled because it turned into a competition now. "Or you won't get to date me."

She smirked. "Fine with me actually. You're not really my type."

Tumaas ang kilay ko. Our project lay untouched on the table between us.

"Bakit, ano bang type mo?"

She chuckled teasingly. "Look who's interested."

"I'm not!" I glared. "You talked about having a type! Makes me wonder if the guys in our school have ever met your standards because you've never had a boyfriend."

Dionne's lips parted. Then she glared at me. "It's not so bad having standards!"

"I know."

She gasped, still offended. "Fine, then! I don't do boyfriends because I don't have time for that. But you wait and I'll get myself one by the end of this week!"

"What?!" Nanlamig yata ako. "W-What did you say?"

"What? Ngayon naman parang ayaw mo? I have a lot of suitors and some of them are actually my type. Since you were mocking me, sasagutin ko ang isa—"

"That's not what I meant!"

She shrugged. "Sounds like it to me," then she went back to her work.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko ro'n. She's not serious, right? Parang kanina lang, gusto niyang maattract ako sa kanya tapos ngayon maghahanap siya ng iba bilang boyfriend?! At talagang sinabi niya 'yon na para bang wala lang! Like being in a relationship isn't so hard at all! She's still young! Wala siyang panahon para magboyfriend!

The whole morning I was fucking bothered. Bumalik kami sa pagiging tahimik. She's just so unbelievable! Hindi pwedeng padalos dalos siya sa mga desisyon niya! I care about her... as a friend... and I don't wanna see her just jumping into something without thinking about it thoroughly! I know because I have experiences!

"Wait here," she suddenly spoke.

"Where are you going?"

Nakatayo na siya at mukhang hindi pa sigurado sa gagawin. "Uh, I'll prepare lunch..."

Nangunot ang noo ko. "Where's Nanny Felicia, by the way?"

Dionne wrinkled her nose. Then she shrugged. Walang sabi sabi ay nagtungo na siya sa kusina. I stared at where she disappeared into until realization hit me like a fucking wrecking ball. Her yaya's gone! That's why she's always late, always stressed, always eating out with us for dinner! It all made sense...

But why...

Tumayo ako at sumunod sa kanya sa kusina. I was put into a halt just by the entrance when I found her flipping through what seems like a cook book. I felt a pinch in my chest. Does Justin know about this? But her cousin was also clueless. Does that mean she's all by herself in this huge ass mansion now? I thought she was alright because she never complained. Why didn't she tell us?

She caught me staring at her. I'm sure she figured out that I know what she's hiding now. Bumuntong hininga siya at tinabi ang cook book. A smile stretched on her lips but it didn't reach her eyes. 

"I'm still learning how to cook. Sorry," then she cleared her throat and smiled wider, thinking it would fool me, but it didn't. "Let's just order food somewhere. What do you want to eat? Chicken wings?"

It didn't take me a while to realize that she's lonely and sad, and that she's only hiding it by faking her happiness. The very first time I saw her, she was masking her emotions by coming off unbothered. Add that to the many times she pissed off her bullies by ignoring them. I figured it was her defense mechanism. Ayaw niyang nagpapakita ng emosyon, but here she is, still trying to wear her mask even when I had seen it clearly. Matagal ko siyang tinitigan dahil don. 

"So?" She looked away. 

"Gusto mo ba 'yon?"

She nodded. "Yes! My favorite diner is just outside the village. We can call for delivery." 

I nodded as well. "Chicken wings then... but can we eat at the diner? I kinda wanna see it."

"Yeah... sure."

Sinundan ko siya ng tingin nang iwan niya ko ro'n. Ayaw ko namang pilitin siyang magsabi ng problema at ng nararamdaman niya dahil nasa kanya pa rin naman ang desisyon na 'yon. I just hope she acknowledges the fact that she can tell us and share her burden with us because we're her family now.

We were silent once again while walking to the diner. I made a reminder in my head to practice driving soon because, dude, the distance she had to walk from her house to the village gate? Tiring as fuck.

Nakakagalit din isiping pinabayaan siya ng mga magulang niyang mag-isa. She's just 14! With no one to live with in her huge ass house. No yaya to take care of her. No car to take her to school. Why would they do this to their daughter?

I sighed. She can't even cook yet. I doubt she even knows how to do her groceries, bills, and laundry. Just why? Why would they let their daughter live like this?

When I left her house, I made sure she has food for dinner. When I got home, I went straight to the kitchen and forced myself to learn how to cook. Our chef told me that the basic dish for beginners is adobo. Nagpaturo ako at dinala iyon kinabukasan sa bahay ni Dionne. I even told Justin and Valen to come with me so Dionne won't feel like I was doing charity.

The days continued on with me bringing random food at her house saying that my Mom wanted them to try her cooking skills. Of course, binibigyan ko rin si Valen at Justin para hindi halatang si Dionne lang talaga ang gusto kong bigyan. Mommy had no idea and I hope she doesn't find out because the food I gave my friends was my cooking.

I only stopped doing it when Dionne really did get herself a damn boyfriend. I swear. The irritation that boiled in my head when she gave me that smug look after introducing the fucker to us was the fucking point in my life where I felt the most intense feeling ever.

"Look at that motherfucker," Justin stood beside me at the corridor. I was leaning towards the railings, watching Dionne and her boy flirting at the fields from the third floor of our building.

"Seriously, you let your cousin date that douchebag?" I spat.

Justin chuckled. "Well, her life's still hers. I'm not in charge of her choices."

I can't believe this! I already told him and Valen why Dionne just suddenly wanted a boyfriend! Naasar lang sa akin at gustong gumanti!

"At least, talk her out of it! She made an impulsive decision—"

"Oh, come on, man!" Valen threw his arm around my shoulder. "Let my baby have her fun! Besides, it's not like we hadn't gone through impulsive dating before. You're making us look like angels next to her."

I breathed out. When did this man's values become crooked?

I looked at Justin for back up but the motherfucker just shrugged and pointed at Valentine. "Same point as him."

Fucking damn it.

I have a point, too. Why can't they get it?

"You're all unbelievable."

The two motherfuckers laughed. "Just suck it up, man. Magsasawa rin 'yang si Dionne."

Yeah, tell me that while the queen of our circle started kissing the damn dude at the fucking open field now. 

Fuck it.

I got myself another girlfriend shortly after that. But then, naghiwalay na kami't nagkaroon na ako ng bago, si Dionne pa rin at yung boyfriend niya! Hindi ko alam kung ganti pa ba iyon sa 'kin o seryoso na. It's been four months already!

It took me a while to realize that I care too much. Wala nga lang ito kay Justin at Valen kaya bakit sa 'kin, big deal? I don't know why I was obsessing about it when I have my own relationships, too, anyway.

So for years, I forced myself not to care about anybody's relationship anymore. Nakipaghiwalay din naman si Dionne at nagpapalit palit na ng boyfriend pagkatapos no'n. Justin and Valen didn't lose girls, too. Lalo pa ngayong kilala kami sa buong highschool grounds dahil sa banda namin. I've had flings here and there as well. Mga hindi rin naman nagtatagal kaya wala lang sa 'kin.

Graduation in Junior High came. Of course, we were happy. But then Dionne had no one to bring her up the stage. I heard she invited her parents pero mukhang hindi darating. Justin's Mom offered to escort her, but she refused.

Nagkatinginan kaming tatlong lalaki. It's like we shared the same thoughts and we didn't have to say a word.

Si Valen ang unang umakyat sa 'min sa stage dahil sa alphabetical order ng apelido. Sunod ay ako, at si Justin. Pababa pa lang siya ng stage ay naghubad na ako ng toga. I was kinda relieved to see Valentine doing the same on his seat. Justin, on the other hand, took off his toga while walking to us. Binaba niya lang saglit ang diploma niya bago kami sinalubong.

People are staring at us as we circled the hall in order to get to Dionne, who's clueless and still in line.

"Huy, nakaakyat na kayo, ah?" Puna ng mga kaklase namin habang sumisingit kami sa pila.

"Tanga, iaakyat yata nila si Dionne."

I chuckled. Pinag-uusapan na kami't lahat, si Dionne wala pa ring pakialam sa mundo. Nakatayo lang siya sa pila at nakahalukipkip pa. When I said her level of ignorance was damn high, I wasn't joking. Kaya naman ganon na lang ang gulat niya nang sumulpot kaming tatlo sa tabi niya, nakauniform na lang at wala nang toga.

"What are you doing?" Pinaningkitan niya kami ng mata ngunit hindi nakatakas sa 'kin ang ngiting pilit niyang tinatago.

"We wanna march again, don't feel special." Justin rolled his eyes and put an arm around her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, too, but this time, she's smiling. I felt a warm feeling in my chest because it looked so genuine.

I bit my lower lip. Kinuha ko ang kaliwang kamay niya at inikot 'yon sa braso ko. She's too happy to even complain. I was happy too.

"What about me?" Valen asked when he didn't get a spot on either side of Dionne.

"Just stand behind, dude. Matangkad ka naman," sagot ko.

By that time, nakita na kami ng coordinator at sinabihang bawal ang apat sa pag-akyat. Si Justin ang nakipag-usap dahil siya ang nilapitan. Thank fuck our adviser vouched for us.

"Whose idea is this?" Dionne whispered to me as we ascend the stage. The funny thing is, I don't know. Ginawa na lang naming tatlo bigla.

But she looks so happy I suddenly wanna take full credit. Screw the other two fuckers.

"Mine. Sino pa bang matalino rito?"

"Excuse me? I'm about to be awarded with honors. Klarong klaro naman na ako," sabi niya. 

"Sino pa bang matalino rito bukod sa 'yo?" Ulit ko.

We both laughed. Pinakawalan ko na siya nung kailangan niya nang tanggapin ang diploma niya. The people on stage were shocked to see us three again. Nakipagkamayan kami na para bang totoong guardian ni Dionne.

When we posed for the photo, the school directors were forgotten. Kaming dalawa ni Valen ang nasa bawat gilid ni Dionne at si Justin naman sa likod. It's kinda foolish because nakaakbay si Valen sa kanya at nakahalik pa sa pisngi habang si Justin ay nilalagyan pa kami ng sungay sa ulo. Ako, kay Dionne lang nakatingin dahil bihira lang siyang makitang masaya. 

We had dinner with our parents (sans Dionne's old folks) after that. Then the four of us went home to Dionne's place to celebrate by drinking. Ako ang nagpaubayang huwag uminom ng sobra para may mag-aalaga kapag lasing na sila. But it got me fucked up...

Bagsak na silang tatlo nang magligpit ako. My world was spinning but I managed to bring Justin to his room. Hinayaan ko na si Valen sa couch dahil baka magising at mag-inarte pa kapag inakay ko sa kwarto niya. When I finally finished cleaning all the mess, I carried Dionne to her room.

I thought I was done for the night...

If only she didn't wake up and hugged my neck once I laid her in bed.

Shit.

Sinubukan kong kalasin ang yakap niya ngunit nagmatigas siya. She opened her eyes and stared at me so softly. I breathed in as I felt nervous all of a sudden.

"Higa," she muttered.

My jaw clenched. "Bitaw na."

Umiling siya ngunit agad ding tumigil dahil nahilo yata. "Higa ka," ulit niya at hinatak pa ako lalo. I had to gather all my strength not to land on her lips. She noticed my resistance and chuckled deliciously. My eyes widened when she raised her head and kissed my lips. I pulled away as quickly as the electricity attacked my whole fucking body.

Ngumuso siya at tinitigan ako sa namumungay na mga mata. The pounding on my chest doubled. What the hell did she just do? Gulat na gulat ako habang siya, dulot ng kalasingan ay parang wala lang. She reached for my lips again and kissed it tenderly. Although distracted, I used that as an opportunity to escape her hug. 

This is just so wrong... we're friends and she's drunk as fuck.

"Kiss back," ungot niya at hindi nagpatalo sa pagkawala ko.

"No. You're drunk. Let go now so you can go back to sleep."

Ngunit sinusubukan yata ako ng tadhana. Dionne just smiled drunkenly. "Hell yeah, I'm so drunk." She chuckled and kissed me again. My hands balled into fists as I fought myself not to kiss back. Halos magdugtong ang mga kilay ko sa riin ng pagkakakunot noo.

Her lips are so soft and the sound of our lips parting really fucking turned me on. Malamig ang buong kwarto ngunit para akong sinisilaban sa init ng katawan ko. I was getting more dizzy as she continued.

"You're gonna regret this in the morning," I whispered in the middle of her slow and tender kisses.

"I don't think so," she said, almost breathlessly. Kanina pa nagtatayuan ang mga balahibo ko.

"Enough now." I firmly said for the both of us. Hindi pwedeng para sa kanya lang dahil hinahayaan ko naman. She pulled away and frowned at me. 

"Why?" She looks so upset that I had to resist giving in to her again.

Fuck it.

"We're just friends, Dionne—"

"Fuck being friends. Let's kiss more."

I breathed heavily again. "You're drunk."

"My mind is alive," depensa niya. "Higa."

I shut my eyes tightly.

Jesus Christ.

"What are you going to do if I lay beside you, huh?"

She fucking giggled. I can't believe I'm slowly agreeing to this!

"You'll never know if you won't."

At talagang nang-asar pa!

Humiga ako sa tabi niya at doon niya lang tinanggal ang yakap sa leeg ko. She's smiling. Bahagya siyang bumangon at pinwesto ang braso ko bilang unan niya. Then she pulled my body to face her and my other arm around her waist. 

These are all so new to me. I never intend to take advantage of her drunken state. I just thought that giving in to her whims are the only way to make her let go of me. But she took me by surprise again.

Really? She wants to cuddle?

"Can you even recognize me?" I asked because there's no way in hell she'd do this with me even when she's sober.

Umangat ang ulo niya mula sa leeg ko. Her eyes are droopy now. Sobrang amo ng mukha. Sobrang ganda. Tangina, sobrang ganda.

She stared at me for a moment before smirking. "Eros Morgan Loyola Oriordan. Classmate since 7th grade," she reached for my lips again. "Bandmate and friend."

Napapikit ako at dumilat lang ng matapos siya. "And you're really gonna regret this in the morning, I'm telling you."

"Would you?"

"Why me? Ikaw lang ang nanghahalik."

"Well," hinalikan na naman ako. "You're letting me anyway."

I felt like I've been punched in the guts. I know that, but when it came from her personally, it's like I'd only realized now. Dionne chuckled at my speechlessness. Binawi ko ang yakap ko sa kanya ngunit hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Good Lord.

"I wanna sleep now," she muttered. I glared at her but the mischief on her face was already gone. It was void of any emotion but her eyes glistened. "Stay with me for a while, please? Umalis ka na lang kapag tulog na 'ko?"

My forehead creased as I bit my lower lip. Pasara na ang mga mata niya sa antok habang nakatitig sa 'kin na tila ba hinihintay ang sagot ko. Ayaw ko... pero sa paraan ng pagkakasabi niya no'n ay parang may kumurot sa puso ko. I don't even know if she'll remember this when she wakes up.

"Alright."

She gave me a small smile. "Thank you," tumalikod siya ng higa at akala ko sa gano'ng paraan ko siya babantayan ngunit inabot niya ang braso ko at niyakap sa kanya.

The smell of her hair tickled my stomach as I hugged her from behind. The feeling of having her inside my arms awakened something that's buried deep within me that night. She didn't remember a thing when she woke up, but I did. I was drunk, too, but I could remember everything vividly. From the way her lips touched mine, to the way she felt warm in my arms.

It was then I realized that my curiousity, my desire to take care of her and the urge to not make her disappointed weren't just about me being one of her closest friends. It was something beyond that. Something beyond friendship.

And I felt scared.

Tinago ko iyon at pilit kinalimutan lalo pa't hindi niya rin naman naaalala ang nangyari. It was hard. Especially when she matured. I've been watching her since we were kids. I witnessed how she learned being an adult at 14, how she outsmarted all the boys she's been with, how her body changed as she grows up, how she managed to keep going even when there's a lot of reasons not to. It was hard just watching her and not being able to hold her and take care of her without hiding my feelings for her.

"About what happened earlier," nilapitan ko siya sa kusina. 

Kabado ako dahil mukha siyang galit sa nangyari. She was teasing me big time and I kissed her to shut her up. It turned into a hot make out session and now, we're here. Walang habas na kumawala na ang nararamdaman kong pilit binabaon.

I know it was so low of me but I was hoping she'll give us a try. Naghalikan kami at tandang tanda niya na ito ngayon... pero tangina.

"Yeah, it's nothing." Walang pake niyang sabi at nagpatuloy sa pag-aasikaso ng pulutan.

Para akong sinuntok. Parang gusto kong hilingin na sana sinaksak niya na lang ako.

Nothing? Gusto kong matawa. She pushed her tongue down my throat. She moaned when I kneaded her breasts. She even almost undressed me. Nothing?

"Yeah... of course," tumango ako at nanguha ng tubig sa ref.

Tangina. Why are you even using those against her anyway, Morgan?! Hindi porke nakipaghalikan at nasarapan sa 'yo ay aasa ka na! Stop being such a loser!

But then it happened again. And again.

I was fucking glad her date with that munggo went downhill. Gusto ko siyang tawanan dahil inis na inis siya pagkauwi at inaya pa akong makipaghalikan. Syempre, inisip ko muna kaya mas lalo siyang naasar. 

Aba. Kung pagkatapos ng halik na hinihiling niya ay bibigyan niya na ako ng chance, hindi na 'ko magdadalawang isip. Pero sino bang niloko ko? Kahit walang kapalit, kahit ilang beses pang maulit, okay lang.

We cuddled all night after a lot of kissing and touching. Talagang pinigilan ko ang sarili kong may mangyari sa 'min dahil kahit papano, nirerespeto ko pa rin naman siya... at ayaw ko ring gumising nang may pagsisisi siya sa mukha.

"Shit," bumangon ako habang hinihilot ang siko matapos niya akong itulak. "What the hell? You could've just woken me up."

She glared at me. Her bed hair and swollen lips made her a lot hotter in the morning. Kung hindi lang nagsusuplada...

"Well, you're awake now. Why are you here? And why are you hugging me?!"

What? Bakit niya tinatanong 'yan? I at least deserved a cuddle after all the kissing we did!

Umupo ako sa tabi niya. "You said you wanna sleep here."

"Uh huh, I know that. So bakit andito ka rin?"

I frowned. Hindi pa nakawala sa paningin ko ang panty niyang sumisilip mula sa damit kong suot niya. What a really great morning! I sighed and pulled the thing to cover her legs. 

"I wanna sleep here too. And what? I can't get a hug?"

Halikan, pwede. Yakapan, hindi? Labo.

"There are rooms upstairs! Besides, I don't do cuddles!"

Napatitig ako sa namumula niyang mukha. Halata na ang yamot pero ang ganda pa rin.

At talaga ba, Dionne? You don't cuddle? 

I chuckled. "Well, I do." 

Her lips parted. Then she rolled her eyes and left me at the living room. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin habang ngumunguso. I wasn't done talking!

I wanted to have breakfast with her like normal... friends. But damn it, she kept insisting na magshower na ako habang nag-aalmusal siyang mag-isa. Gusto ko nga ng kasabay kumain! Gusto ko ngang ipagtimpla niya ako ng kape! Gusto ko ngang mapag-isa muna kasama siya bago pa kami umalis!

Nagkatitigan kami. Nakahalukipkip pa siya at ayaw magpatalo. Tignan mo kung gaano kamahid! Sumasakit ang sentido ko. Gusto ko lang naman masolo pa siya ng ilang minuto. Marami pa namang oras. Mahirap ba 'yon ibigay?

I sighed. Fine. We made out and she probably felt awkward... pero gusto ko lang naman...

"Fuck it. Fine. I didn't get cuddles and now, coffee."

Ang sarap sarap ng pancake pero parang pumakla nung kinain ko mag-isa. Nagtalo pa kami tapos mabilis lang din pala siyang matatapos mag-ayos? Labo talaga. Tigas talaga ng ulo.

Hinayaan ko na lang kasi mukhang manhid talaga. She probably just sees me as the friend who's okay with being her make out buddy. Well I'm not completely fine with it 'cause I have feelings for her and if you look at it, it's like I'm taking advantage of her.

I didn't like that.

Nagiguilty ako. Pero hindi ko lang din matanggal sa sarili kong umasa kapag lumalapit siya. Kasi bakit ba siya bumabalik sa 'kin? Bakit gustong gusto niyang makipaghalikan sa 'kin? Huwag niya naman sana akong guluhin.

"You mean, about what's happening between us?" She laughed, but the slight panic in her voice didn't escape my ears. She crossed her arms and willed her face to look serious. "We're friends."

Kumibot ang kilay ko. "Friends don't kiss each other, Psyche." I shoot my shot. Maybe she likes me, too. Na katulad ko noon, hindi niya lang agad narealize.

But then she rolled her eyes. "What now, Cupid? You want us to have another label? Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits?"

Para niya na naman akong sinaksak.

"Hindi ako ganyan."

Nakakapikon kung paano niya ako nasasaktan sa simple at 'di niya namamalayang paraan. I mean... come on! Sinabi niya na rin naman ang salitang 'label', bakit iba pa ang inisip niya!

I couldn't help but feel angry at myself, too. I remembered our talk about attraction towards friends before. Maybe if I didn't turn her down, her mind will be open about the thought of liking a friend. Maybe she wouldn't think twice and give me a chance if I ask. But this is Alistine Dionne. Her thoughts are rational. 

Well, I mean, sometimes.

"I'm sorry I dragged you into my mess. Though you have your fair share in all the mistakes we did, I'm still sorry. We're friends. We should remain friends."

I tasted bitterness in my mouth at what she called those passionate kisses we shared. My jaw clenched. Alright. Friends. Kung iyon talaga ang gusto niya.

"Are you even listening?"

I shrugged. "Sure. Bandmates," dagdag ko para ipakitang naiintindihan ko.

Kaso, tangina, inaway ako.

Gusto kong matawa habang galit na galit siya sa harap ko. Pinagbigyan ko na nga sa gusto, nagalit pa. Labo talaga ng babaeng 'to.

And she kept telling me about being friends kaya litong lito ako. I'm a very understanding person. As much as possible, I want problems to be addressed and solved in a calm way. Pero gulong gulo talaga ako sa kanya.

Dionne's words and her actions don't match and she doesn't even realize that she's sending me mixed signals. Naging defensive tuloy ako. Inakusahan pa akong may babae sa ilang araw na hindi ako nagpakita samantalang nakikipaglaro lang naman ako kay Bullet sa bahay!

And I'm pretty sure Bullet is a male dog.

At si Dionne naman ang gusto ko kaya bakit nagsasabi siya ng tungkol sa babaeng nasa tent? Who even is the damn girl in the damn tent? Jesus! She doesn't even realize that she sounds jealous!

I wanted her to assess her feelings so that she wouldn't confuse me as well. Sinusubukan ko namang bumalik sa pagiging kaibigan lang dahil iyon ang gusto niya... kahit pakiramdam ko niloloko niya lang ang sarili. But then I realized that maybe I'm being too hard on her. Maybe I shouldn't force her to realize things. Or maybe she's just really concerned about our friendship and she doesn't wanna fuck it up.

Well I was frustrated as hell but I don't wanna be a pushover, so I settled with what Dionne can give. Fucking platonic love. Platonic fucking friendship.

Jesus Christ.

Can you imagine?

Eros Morgan Loyola Oriordan, platonic friend-zoned by Alistine Dionne Lorenzo Villegas. Damn. Who is this girl and why is she doing this to me?

Ayoko nang problemahin 'yon kaya pinipilit ko na lang tanggapin.

I sighed as I watched her with my niece Kachi. She picked her up, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. Her smile's big as she listens to Kachi rambling about something I don't quite understand. Just look at her being so cruel to my poor heart. Tuwang tuwa siya sa pamangkin ko na kahit yata magkwento ito ng tungkol sa mga alien, papakinggan niya nang masaya. It made me feel warm as my mind wandered far.

Kung aliw na aliw siya sa pamangkin ko, kaya ko naman siyang bigyan n'yan. Mas maganda. Ako at si Dionne, pinaghalo. But if she wants our baby to look like her, kaya ko naman sigurong gawan ng paraan. I mean, gano'n naman 'yon diba? Kung sinong minamahal ng sobra sa relasyon, iyon ang nagiging kamukha ng anak?

I smiled wickedly at Dionne who continued ignoring me just to play with my niece. "Malas mo." I whispered. I was named after the god of love, babe. Not the god of fucking platonic friends.

Dionne Villegas is a walking tease. Para siyang ahas na kapag nilapitan mo, pupuluputin ka hanggang hindi ka na makawala. Sinubukan ko naman talagang makuntento sa pagiging kaibigan lang, but she likes playing push and pull. Pabago bago ng isip at sa huli, ako na naman ang umaasa.

At this point, I totally believe she likes me too and she's just really confused about her feelings. I was getting frustrated once again because I didn't know what to do anymore.

The night before her 19th birthday, I wanted it to be over. Napikon siya sa 'kin pero mas nag-uumapaw yata ang frustration ko. She likes me, it's clear now. And I don't wanna be just friends anymore.

Ayoko na ng kaibigan lang na nagkakalituhan dahil may nararamdaman naman sa isa't isa. It sucks. It fucking sucks being with her knowing that I can't hold her hand, feel her warm hugs, hear her laughter while the damn butterflies in my stomach fly freely, kiss her heart with all the love I could give and just... just be with her without anything holding me back.

"You like me...?" She spouted after a slow intake of air and her eyes wide.

My jaw clenched. Fucking finally. "What do you think?" I saw amusement overpowered by panic in her eyes. "I like you. How about you?"

"No!" She exclaimed almost immediately.

Damn it.

I looked up and breathed out another wave of the frustration I felt. I want this talk to be clear but I was fed up. For months, all she did was tell me we're just friends and then proceed to confuse me with her own confusion.

"Come on, Dionne. You wouldn't want a kiss from me if you don't." Halos manginig ang boses ko.

I was thinking we could work this out together. Naiintindihan ko ang takot niya dahil dumaan din ako r'yan noong una kong natantong gusto ko siya. Pero sana naman... sana naman pakawalan niya ako kung ayaw niya talaga.

Dionne inhaled deeply. She looked at me with doubt and pain. I wanted to apologize for being too straightforward, it's pathetic. My shoulders went down when she did it again. She was staring intently at me as she unconsciously touched my hair. She's doing it again.

Nililito na naman ako sa mga tingin at ginagawa. Pagkatapos ay papaasahin lang. I hate it.

"Please. Spare me," I pleaded.

Her upturned eyes softened. Lumipat ang kamay niya sa pisngi ko at hinaplos iyon. I held my guards up just in case she'd really reject me again. My heart's fucking aching from all the love, frustration, and pain.

"Not now," she drawled softly. "But I'll think about it."

"What does that mean?"

"We're still friends..."

Fuck that word!

She quickly put a finger on my lips when I attempted to speak. "Give me time to think about us. After that, we'll decide."

I stared at her. What she's giving me is just like the way things were for us. Just minus the assurance. I felt doubtful but... this is fine, right? If she's going to think about us, then I'll make damn sure she'll give us a chance.

"Okay," I croaked. "I'll wait." Nagpaubaya ako sa haplos niya at tila nakalma lang nang maramdaman ang halik niya sa noo ko.

I'll make you fall hard for me, my love. So hard, you wouldn't wanna get up. Sa akin lang. I'll make fucking sure.

"Damn, you're clingy as fuck." Tawa niya habang niyayakap ko mula sa likod. My lips pursed before withdrawing from her. 

Siguro kung tatanungin ako kung anong salita ang pinakaayaw ko, papangalawa 'yan sa 'kaibigan'. She certainly not like being touchy, but what about me? I like having her close! Ang tagal kong hinintay na dumating kami sa puntong 'to, halos pangarapin ko, tapos aasar asarin ako? 

I glared at her small frame. I swear once we're officially together, gagantihan ko 'yan.

It's been a few months since her birthday. We're cool and stable. Kaya lang naman ako sinasabihang clingy ni Dionne dahil sinasadya ko. I'm making her get used to my presence so I text and call everyday. Lagi ko ring pinupuntahan sa bahay, sinasamahan kahit saan, at inaasar para mainip na't sagutin na ako. Pati si Bullet, inalay ko na.

I really made damn sure. Kaya lang minsan 'di ko maiwasang mangamba na baka magbago na naman ang isip niya. She worries about our friendship so much. Sigurado akong alam naman na rin ni Justin at Valen ang tungkol sa 'min pero ni minsan hindi sila nakialam. Bukod do'n ay kampante talaga ako dahil siguradong sigurado na ako kay Dionne at ginawan ko na ng paraan para mabawasan ang iniisip niya.

"I love your cousin," I said when the two fuckers and I were at Justin's man cave. Tumitira si Valen sa pool table at pare-pareho pa kaming walang pang-itaas.

"Oh shit..." Valentine stood straight. "I knew it!" He exclaimed while laughing.

Justin's mouth opened. He stared at me for a while, then his hands transferred to his waist. Nawalan ng emosyong ang mukha niya habang seryoso akong nakikipagtitigan.

"I love her," I spoke again. "Everytime I see her, my heart just fucking explodes. She makes me feel a lot of different emotions. Pero kapag nandyan siya, panatag ako. You might think I'm just fooling around, but I'm really serious about my feelings for her. Put us in a room full of people and she's all I'll ever see. Mahal na mahal ko. Sobra. Nakakatakot. Mababaliw ako kapag iniwan niya 'ko."

Justin is the only real family that stayed by Dionne's side eversince. Dapat akong kabahan sa opinyon niya ngunit kahit katiting, wala akong naramdaman. Maybe because what I'm telling him is real. Mahal na mahal ko si Dionne, seryoso, at iyon ang mahalaga.

"You wanna square up?"

Nangunot ang noo ko. Is that his way of proving my honesty? For all I know, he's hella fine with my relationship with his cousin.

Justin gave me his sarcastic smile. I smirked. "Yeah. Sure."

"Valen, you wanna join?" Hindi niya na hinintay ang sagot ni gago dahil hinagisan niya na ito ng gloves. Billiard was forgotten when we went out, exiting from the carport to their front lawn.

"No hitting in the face, for fuck's sake. Baby will kill us all," Valen set the only rule.

Nagsuntukan kami hanggang sa mapagod. I was fucking beaten up, but that's only because I gave them the advantage. The three of us square up for fun sometimes. I hate losing. But if it's for Dionne, then I won't mind.

"Man, fuck you! I've already known for a while and you've only decided to tell us now! You're such a pussy," hinihingal na sabi ni Justin habang pare-pareho kaming nakahandusay sa damuhan.

"Things were complicated between us back then," sagot ko. Napahawak pa sa tiyan nang suntukin ulit ni Valen.

"You sure Dionne likes you back?" Inis niya pa.

"Gago ka ba?"

Valen laughed. "Just making sure you both are serious."

"Man, we're serious! Akin 'yon. I thought you guys are supportive?"

"Oh, no. You thought," apila ni Justin.

My forehead creased. "What?"

"You really expect us to give you the queen just like that?"

Valen chuckled while I started realizing where this was headed to.

"Fuck you both," tanging nasabi ko na lang.

They made me do all their bidding. Alam kong inaasar lang nila ako ngunit ginawa ko pa rin. I was that serious about proving my love for Dionne. At dahil ito ang unang beses na sumuko ako sa kanila (we're all fucking competitive. Me, surrendering is a huge deal), sinamantala talaga nilang dalawa.

I wasn't mad, alright? I was doing it for Dionne. Like how a man asks a woman's parents for her hand in marriage. Except, in our case, Justin and Valen — assholes — are the closest persons to act as Dionne's guardian.

Well, of course, talking to Dionne's real parents have crossed my mind a lot of times already, but I knew damn well she wouldn't like that. She doesn't like anything related to her parents. Sinubukan kong amuhin ang nararamdaman niya para sa magulang niya noon, nainis lang siya sa pangingialam ko.

Naiintindihan ko naman. I also felt bad for trying to push her into something she wasn't ready for. Hindi niya man sabihin, alam kong malaki ang galit niya sa mga magulang niya. She's been carrying it since she was a kid and I thought forgiveness will finally set her free. Kaya sinubukan kong itulak siyang magpatawad ngunit natanto ko ring hindi dapat pinipilit iyon.

She has all the right to be fucking angry. Her parents left a huge scar on her entire being. Forgiving them is her choice alone.

I was already contented with her telling her problems and sharing her thoughts to me. Doon pa lang, hangang hanga na ako. Doon pa lang, masaya na ako. It makes me proud and relieved that she's not bottling up her feelings anymore. It's very important to me that she has finally acknowledged the fact that she can always run to us.

"Does it hurt again?"

My brows shot up when Dionne followed me to the studio. I just got done recording my part on the song we're currently working on. Nakahiga ako sa couch upang ipahinga ang kumikirot kong braso at balikat nang tumayo siya sa tabi ko. I grinned. 

"Yeah. My shoulders, too. Kiss mo?"

She glared before sitting next to me. It's like my arms have a mind of their own because they immediately wrapped around her waist. I stared at her with amusement in my eyes. She looked so worried as she tried to check my shoulders.

This isn't the first time that I felt her giving in to the relationship I offer. Kapag nag-aalala siya at inaalagaan ako, ramdam kong natanto niya nang may nararamdaman din siya para sa 'kin. But I also know that she isn't ready for us yet.

"Pamassage tayo?" She asked. 

"Date?" I chuckled and pulled her closer when she smiled. "You've never asked me out on a date, Psyche. Bawian mo 'ko ngayon."

She also laughed. Ang ganda talaga.

"Of course I'd want to ask you out, but you'd always interfere. Tss. Clingy pa."

My smile dropped and I immediately withdrew from her. Heto na naman tayo. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not clingy!"

"Hanggang sa aminin mo."

"Ayaw mo ng ganon kaya hindi ako gano'n." Tinalikuran ko siya ng higa. "Bahala ka nga r'yan. I'll sleep."

I knew damn well she doesn't like clingy. Hindi naman talaga ako gano'n! Man, I hate that fucking word. Making her get used to my presence is my strategy, alright? Hindi ako clingy! Sinasanay ko lang siya!

I ignored her when she laughed and squeezed herself between me and the backrest of the couch. Umurong ako at agad napadilat nang halikan niya ako malapit sa labi. I frowned. Natunaw agad ang tampo ko nang gano'n gano'n lang. It's so unfair, damn it!

"Ayoko. 'Di pa naman tayo." Paalala ko. 

Aba? Sagutin niya muna ako bago niya ko halik-halikan.

I clicked my tongue when she just rolled her eyes and continued planting soft and languid kisses all over me.

Gusto na 'ko nito. Narealize niya na 'yon pero tingin ko'y kulang pa para sa kanya. I always assured her that I wouldn't get tired of waiting and it's okay to take more time. Alam ko naman na sa sarili kong magiging akin siya sa dulo. In fact, she assured me of that herself a lot of times now.

The first was when I was at her house helping her review for an exam. She was pouting as she read her material. Gabi na at mukhang pagod na pagod gawa ng galing pa kami sa trabaho.

Kawawa naman. I mentally smiled. Tumayo ako at agad siyang napatingin sa 'kin. Her eyebrows shot up and her lips opened. Mata ang ginamit sa pagtatanong.

I smirked. "Kitchen," paalam ko. She pouted again before nodding. Naramdaman ko ang init ng mga titig niya habang iniiwan ko siya sa living room.

I got the carton of milk from the fridge and a drinking glass for the rack. Hindi pa man nalalagyan 'yon ay naramdaman ko na ang presensya ni Dionne sa likod ko. Her arms slowly wrapped around my waist. It made me breathe out slowly.

"Dito ka sa harap," marahan kong sabi. I bit my lower lip when she automatically obliged. This time, her hug was tighter as buried her face against my chest.

My lips stretched into a wide smile. Ang sarap talaga maglambing.

I put one arm around her lower back. The other hand went to caress her hair. I sighed in contentment after planting a kiss on top of her head.

"Sleepy?" I whispered.

"Uh-hmm," marahan siyang tumango habang nakabaon pa rin ang mukha sa dibdib ko. I chuckled. Humigpit lalo ang yakap niya.

"Let's get you to bed, then." I said.

Nag-angat siya ng ulo at agad nahanap ng tingin ang labi ko. My brow raised. What are you thinking about, huh? You can't kiss me until you're finally mine.

She pursed her lips. Her gaze met mine. I waited as she took her time appreciating my face.

"Will you sleep over?" She asked with her eyes full of hope.

Damn.

I leaned to kiss her forehead. Napapikit siya at nahanap agad ang tingin ko pagkadilat. "Yes, babe, I will."

She beamed. Binalik niya ang mukha sa dibdib ko habang hinihintay akong matapos sa paglalagay ng gatas sa baso niya.

The second time was when she clung to me in front of Justin and Valen.

I was seated on the one-seater sofa at her house again. My legs were parted wide and my elbows rested on my knees. I was checking my phone for the guitar Justin kept talking about online when Dionne came.

Binaba niya ang ginawang merienda sa harap nung dalawa at pagkatapos ay marahang pinaghiwalay ang kamay ko upang makaupo sa kaliwang hita ko. I automatically leaned against the backrest and claimed her waist. Hinalikan ko pa sa balikat bago ko natanto ang panonood nung dalawang gago.

Shit?

I had a smug look when I smirked at them. Losers!

"What's that?" Dionne held the hand I was using to hold my phone. As much as I enjoyed watching the two motherfuckers' faces, I gave her my attention.

"Justin wants to buy a new guitar, babe," I answered. Hindi ko naman sinadyang lambingan iyon pero mukhang masyado yata akong natuwa sa pag-upo niya sa kandungan ko. Her, sitting voluntarily on my lap in front of our friends whom she worries about a lot, is a fucking big deal to me. It's like the biggest jump towards the answer I so wanted to hear.

See? She gave me the assurance without directly telling me. Mas okay na nga yata 'to kaysa sa salita. Idagdag pa na naging possessive at selosa siya noong sumasama sa amin si Shierra Yapson. She's my ex and we're cool. What we had was casual so there's really no hard feelings after the breakup.

Parang tanga lang yung dalawang gago kasi gusto pang ipakaibigan kay Dionne. But I was seriously surprised to see her jealous, though. I mean, Dionne is mature about a lot of things. Akala ko hindi niya iindahin masyado si Shierra pero naging sobra ang selos niya.

And, hey, you can't blame me for even thinking that she wouldn't! She's literally friends with almost all of her exes! Sa aming dalawa, ako ang seloso pag dating sa gano'n. I just think highly of her that I didn't realize she's also still human.

Taking care of her when she's jealous was both pain and pleasure for me. Normally, it's me who's always teasing her with kisses. Now, driven by possessiveness and jealousy, she holds me by the neck... and by the love muscle between my thighs. 

Well, not literally.

Halikan lang ako no'n sa kahit saang parte ng katawan ko, buhay na buhay na ang dugo ko. I gotta admit that I really like it when she's possessive (not jealous. I hate that. It's making her overthink). She leaves love marks on my chest and the part below my ear, which I think is her favorite spot. I like that she's staking her claim. What I don't like is the fucking boner I get after.

Damn. If only she knows how hard it is to calm myself in public. I should get a medal!

"What are you doing today?" I asked through the phone call. We're given a two week break from our hectic schedule. Lumabas na ang album namin kaya sobrang abala namin sa mga gigs. Sa halos dalawang linggong pahinga, halos sa university lang kami nagkikita ni Dionne dahil pareho kaming naghahabol ng mga requirements.

Labo nga. Ayaw ako papuntahin sa bahay niya dahil distraction daw ako. Sus.

"Just paperworks," tamad niyang sabi. Napanguso ako. Bihira lang din kami mag-usap nang ganito dahil pinapahinga niya rin ang boses niya.

"Kumain ka na ba?"

"Not yet," she sighed. Tumigil ang naririnig kong pagtatype niya sa laptop. "You? Did you have lunch already? Labas tayo?"

Napabangon agad ako mula sa kama, nangingiti pa. "I also haven't. I'll be there in 10, mahal."

"Okay," she said sweetly. "Drive safely."

Sinundo ko nga siya no'n at kumain lang kami sa Uptown Square. Umuwi rin kami agad sa bahay niya dahil may tinatapos pa siyang paper. Tumambay na lang ako sa kwarto niya habang gumagawa siya. Buti nga 'di ako pinauwi. Namiss yata ako kaya hinayaan ako ro'n.

Days went by with us busy with school shit so I didn't see her outside the university again. I helped Justin and Valen with their plates, too. This time, voluntarily. Kung marami akong ginagawa, mas marami yung sa kanilang dalawa. Dionne has lots, too, but she wouldn't let me touch her things.

Eros:
Can we go out today? I wanna go hiking with you.
Or perhaps an overnight stay in Southridge?
What do you wanna do, mahal?

Two days left before the break ends, I was done with all my stuff. Nakapila na agad ang gigs namin. Maybe we can spend the remaining two days together somewhere.

Psyche:
Sorry I can't :( Miss Gatch called.

My forehead creased as I played with my lips. The hell did Miss Gatch want from her! Break pa namin, ah?

I sighed before typing a reply. Nagpaalam muna ako, syempre, kung okay lang bang puntahan siya. Kaso ang tagal magreply. Mukhang busy. O baka hindi napansin ang cellphone.

See? This is why I prefer calling more than texting.

"Morgan."

Napalingon ako kay Mom na pababa sa hagdan. She's dressed for a day out. Ako rin naman kaso 'di nagrereply yung ilalabas ko.

I stood up from the sofa and pocketed my phone. Lumapit ako sa hagdan para alalayan siya.

"Are you going somewhere? 'Cause I'm gonna ask you to come with me to the mall."

Umangat ang kilay ko. "Why? Where's Dad?"

She sighed. "Your Dad's at work, hijo. I'm picking up my order from Pablo. Dios Mio. I've been waiting for that bag for so long!"

I followed her to the carport. Alam niyang nakasunod ako kaya sa sasakyan ko siya dumiretso at sumakay. "It's been two months since I've ordered! I'm gonna get your Dad's gift for our anniversary, too."

Tumango na lang ako at sumakay na rin matapos kong isara ang pinto sa tabi niya. When my Mom talks like that, I can't help but see Ceriz's face. Si Mama, bihira lang lumabas ang arte. But my sister? Hell. That girl's a lot more spoiled, it's so obvious.

Heron and I don't call her Ate because she refuses to be called that. Much to our parents' disappointment because I don't call Heron 'Kuya', too. Hindi naman nagkakalayo ang ugali at pag-iisip naming tatlo kaya bakit pa?

I spent the whole day with Mommy at the mall. I was so focused because... women at the mall? Malingat ka lang saglit, nawawala na. I was so busy following Mama around that I forgot about my phone completely.

Kaya naman nang makauwi kami at tumawag si Dionne, napamura ako sa harap ng nanay ko. I rushed to my room so I could answer and escape Mommy's glare.

"Babe!" I exclaimed. I was preparing an explanation in my head, but she sounded beyond mad. I got confused.

"Where the hell are you?" Her voice shook.

Natahimik ako. Something's wrong. Wala naman akong ginawa at hindi naman siya nagagalit nang walang dahilan. I know because this happened a lot of times before. Pareho kaming nakakalimot magreply minsan and we're both matured about it. Hindi namin 'to pinag-aawayan.

"I'm at home." I licked my lips. "Babe—"

"You fucking liar! I hate you!"

My mouth dropped open when she dropped the call in an instant. A wave of anxiousness and frustration attacked my body as I stared at the screen of my phone. What the hell happened? What did I do? What did I lie about?

When the thought of her being so angry has finally sank in to my mind, it scared the shit out of me. I stormed out of my room and drove as fast as I could. I hated that she yelled at me but damn, I can't help but question how I was at fault here. Maybe she got mad that I didn't text or call. Maybe she waited for me because I said I would come.

But was that enough to yell at me and call me a fucking liar? What did I even lie about?

My frustration went above the moon when we met in the living room and the first thing Dionne did was push me out of her house. I held her arms as she tried and tried. She's so angry and I don't even know what it's about!

"Bakit ka nandito?! Umalis ka! Umalis ka na!"

My jaw clenched, but I tried to calm the fuck down. "We have a problem, Psyche. Tell me."

Ngunit mas lalo lang siyang nagalit.

"Do not call me that! We're over!"

Natigilan ako ro'n. Dionne has a tendency to drop things due to small inconvenience. I expected her to say that, but it still shocked me. My mind's starting to panic. Hindi pa nga kami, winakasan niya na agad.

"Please, calm down. Let me hear where all of this is coming from. What's upsetting you? Why did you cry? Please, mahal ko."

I was so confused. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ko siya nasinop sa mga braso ko pagkatapos niyang umiwas ng ilang beses. I felt fear, intense pain, frustration, and chaos all at once.

"I hate you!" She said as she punched my chest over and over. I let her. I want her to calm down first because I was nowhere near calm. Me, not replying to her texts was clearly not the source of her anger. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang ginawa ko.

Inupo ko siya sa stool chair sa kusina at agad kinulong gamit ang mga kamay para hindi makawala. The thought of her ending things with me for a reason that I don't know, and that it could actually happen tonight because she's so mad, fucking make my knees turn cold. She's still glaring at me, hands still slightly shaking in anger. 

"Why are you acting clueless? You went on a fucking date with your ex just now!" 

What...

My brows furrowed. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't form a single word. I went on a date with my ex?! Where did she get that?

"Ano? Kaya hindi ka na nagtext? Damn it, Eros! I was working! Nahuli lang ako ng reply, nag-aya ka na ng iba?!"

I didn't speak. Lito pa rin ako. Ngunit habang nagsasalita siya ay natanto kong isa lamang itong 'di pagkakaunawaan. I didn't know where she got the news about me going out with my ex today because I was literally just with my mother all day. This is just a misunderstanding and I know we can fix it. Galit lang siya kaya niya nasabing tapos na kami.

Hinayaan ko siyang magsalita para mailabas lahat ng inis niya. If I don't, she'll keep her feelings to herself again. Ayoko no'n. So I listened as she let out her frustration.

"I didn't bother you because I thought you were just sleeping, and then I'd see you on a fucking IG story?! On a date, huh?! Nanood kayo ng sine?! And you're..." she balled the collar of my Balenciaga shirt. Umiiyak na naman at ayaw magpahawak. "You're still wearing the same clothes, you fucking asshole! Nagmadali ka ba kasi nalaman ko?! Ano, Eros? Hindi ka na nakapagpalit kasi nalaman ko?!"

My lips pursed. There was a sharp pain attacking my chest. I took off my shirt and threw it into the trashcan nearby. Dionne gasped. Bahagyang umamo ang mga mata habang nakatingin sa dibdib ko. She gulped and leaned away when I stood in front of her again.

"Ano pa?" I asked.

She didn't say anything but she stood up and changed our position. My frustration was rising once again. Her stance shook for she looks troubled and guilty now. Umiiyak ngunit mukhang buo na talaga ang isip na ayaw na sa 'kin at hindi na ako hahayaang magpaliwanag.

Bumalik ang inis ko.

"Naiinip ka na sa 'kin? Babalikan mo na si Shierra?" With tears in her eyes, she mocked a laugh. "Go, then! Tapos naman na tayo—"

I stood up. 

"Enough," Alam kong galit lang siya kaya nakakapagsalita ng ganyan, but I don't wanna hear it anymore. I hate that she kept saying we're over when, clearly, this is just a misunderstanding. "That's enough."

"Bakit? You'd still push through with this? Akala mo sasagutin pa kita samantalang nagcheat ka na?!"

My eyes shut tightly. Now, how can she say that to me? Hindi niya manlang ba ako hahayang magsalita? I was hurt, too. She said she hates me. Mas nauna niya pang sabihin 'yan kaysa sa I love you o kahit I like you manlang! Tangina, sinong hindi kakabahan? Sinong hindi magagalit gayong hindi ko naman kasalanan?

Mahal na mahal ko. Paano pa ako lilingon sa iba? Paano pa ako magkakagusto sa iba? Siya lang naman ang minahal ko!

"Umalis ka na."

"You wouldn't let me say my piece, huh?" Naglaban ang matalim naming titig sa isa't isa. "I'm all bad things, but I don't cheat, Dionne. I'm so fucking faithful to you, I'd become a Saint when I die. Stay still, my love," nagpumiglas na naman at umiyak.

Tangina.

At this point, I don't know what causes the trembling I felt inside me anymore. Mahal na mahal ko talaga. Nakakapanghina. Nakakatakot. Paano pala kung hindi ako pumunta agad dito? Iiwan niya na talaga ako? Tingin niya ba papayag ako?

"I'm not cheating on you. I'll never cheat on you." I tried to say in a firm voice. She's still glaring at me, but I could see her regret. Nasasaktan din siya ngunit pinipilit itago. I know her damn well. I love every inch of her so fucking well.

"I've never been so kiss deprived my whole life, but it's okay because I'm waiting for you. So I can only kiss your lips. Fuck. I've never been so affectionate, but with you, I become fucking clingy. But it's okay because it's you. I'd still wait, Dionne. Mahal na mahal kita, kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sinasabi mong kaya kong magloko."

Pero nagmatigas siya. I started panicking because she wouldn't even believe me. Pinapaalis niya na ako pero hindi ko kaya. Mas lalo lang akong natakot nang matantong hindi ko dala ang cellphone ko para ipakita ang proweba. Her face was grim.

"I left my phone at home, b-but I'll send it to you! Or you can come with me... ipapakita ko sa 'yo. 'Wag lang ganito, mahal ko."

"I said I'd think about us! Ayaw ko na, Eros, kaya tumigil na tayo—" 

I shook my head and turned to leave. I drove here from home for 5 minutes. Mabilis lang iyon kung aalis na ako ngayon upang kuhanin ang cellphone. Kaya ko pang bilisan iyon para hindi siya mainip.

"I-I'm not done talking!" She followed me.

I sighed shakily and continued walking outside. Malapit lang ang bahay ko rito. Bibilisan ko naman kaya hindi siya maghihintay nang matagal. 

"Ano ba?!" She cried. Mahapdi na ang mga mata ko nang harapin siya.

"I'll get my phone quickly. Babalik ako, Psyche. Mabilis lang," sabi ko.

"B-But I said—"

"No. I won't listen. Galit ka lang kaya mo nasasabi 'yon. I'll be back. Uminom ka ng tubig." Umalis na 'ko agad. Seeing her crying by the door, almost begging me to stay and listen, gave me hope.

Nanlilito na naman. Ang labo na naman. Pinapaalis ako pero nung ginawa ko naman, ayaw niya. I can't believe it gave me fucking hope despite the trembling fear I was feeling. Gusto ko nang umiyak.

"Morgan?!" Mommy was horrified when I entered our house. Dad was there, too. Hindi ko sila pinansin at dumiretso sa hagdan ngunit sumunod si Mommy. "What's happening, anak? Where are you going and why are you naked?!"

"Later, Mama."

"Morgan!"

I ignored her. I was a man on a mission. Pagkapasok sa kwarto ay agad kong hinatak ang duvet sa kama ko at nalaglag ang cellphone ro'n. I grabbed it and turned to leave, but Mommy was blocking the door. Napapikit ako nang mariin sa sobrang takot at kaba.

"Ma, please. Mamaya na lang po."

"Saan ka pupunta? Gabing gabi na! And at least put on a shirt!"

I sighed and did what she wants me to do. Hinarangan niya pa rin ang pinto at halos mapamura ako sa frustration. I actually don't know what I feel. Nagsalo salo na ang lahat ng emosyon. Ang alam ko lang ay natatakot akong iwanan ni Dionne. 

"Mommy, please, let me go. Dionne... she will leave me if I don't come back now." 

Nangunot ang noo niya. Not knowing that she's an accessory to the crime. "Why? What did you do? And where is she going?"

"Later, I promise! Just let me go now. I can't... she's leaving me, Mama! We had a fight..." hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin ko dahil pakiramdam ko uunahan na ako ng emosyon.

Realization dawned on her face. I looked pleadingly at her.

"What..." she looks shocked. "So you mean, you and Dionne... what happened, anak?!" 

Napapikit ako nang mariin. "Psyche, Mama."

Napasinghap siya. It's like the magic word that I'd never mentioned to her eversince that talk we had when I was a kid. Naintindihan niya agad at pinatuloy na ako sa pag-alis. Halos paliparin ko ulit ang sasakyan pabalik kay Dionne.

The doors are open and the lights are still on. Hindi ko siya nahanap sa ground floor kaya umakyat ako sa kwarto niya. My chest pounding and my hand squeezing the phone so hard.

Bukas ang pintuan kaya diretso lang ang pasok ko. I found her small frame on her bed. Her back was on me and I didn't know what to feel when I realized that she fell asleep.

My chest ached more. Huli na ba ako?

I joined her in bed and that's only where I realized how weak my knees have turned. I wrapped an arm around her waist and breathed out deeply.

Fuck. I'm still shaking from the fear I felt.

Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya at binaon ang mukha sa kanyang batok. When I've calmed down, sinilip ko siya't nakitang malalim na ang tulog. Her cheeks were tearstained. I felt another pinch in my heart. Hinalikan ko ang pisngi niya at binuhay ang cellphone gamit ang kamay na nakayakap sa kanya. I opened Instagram and posted photos of me and my mom earlier. 

Pasulyap sulyap ako kay Dionne sa pag-asang magigising siya at makikita ang proweba ko. I even tagged her in the post just to make sure she'll see it when she wakes up.

See, Psyche, I'm not lying. Hindi ako payag na iiwan mo ako. Hindi pwede. Mahalin mo lang ako, mas mamahalin kita ng lubos. 

I hardly slept that night. Tatlong oras lang ang tulog ko at nauna pang magising kaysa sa kanya. I prepared breakfast, took a shower, and went out to stay in my car. Alam kong hindi ako papansinin ni Dionne kaya ginawan ko ng paraan. Ininis ko para isipin ako buong araw.

"What?" She was glaring at me when she answered my call.

"Why are sitting there, babe? It's lunch time." 

Sinabi ko nang magkasama kaming maglalunch! Talagang ginawan din ng paraan para 'di ako mapagbigyan!

"Groupwork." Maikling sagot niya.

My forehead creased. "At lunch? Kumain ka muna."

She only rolled her eyes at me and ended the call. 

I scowled. Nagtype na lang ako ng message ngunit mas nauna siyang nagsend.

Psyche:
Stop bothering me.

Eros:Kumain na muna kayo, please.

My tongue went to poke my inner cheek as I stared at Dionne who's painfully avoiding my gaze from the other side of the cafeteria. A minute later she's already visibly sulking. Titig na titig sa kawalan na tila ba malalim ang iniisip.

"You fought, didn't you?" Justin raised a brow at me when we were standing in line for food.

Nagkibit balikat lang ako habang patuloy na tinititigan si Dionne sa upuan niya. She looked out of place yet she stood out. Her blockmates were happy, but she looked miserable. I could almost smell the guilt and regret on her face from here. I swear, if she ever tries to think about leaving me again...

What happened last night, wala na sa 'kin iyon. My conscience is clear and I know that she didn't really mean everything she said. 'Wag na 'wag niyang iisipin na iwan ako ulit dahil hindi ako papayag.

She was pouty when I gave her the pink lemonade I bought. Her eyes, which she tried to conceal, are still puffy. Nakaangat ang tingin niya sa 'kin nang may pag-iingat. Like a tamed beautiful cat waiting to be given love. Wala na ang pagkapikon. Tanging lungkot at pagsusumamo na lang.

Hay. Mahalin mo na lang kasi ako.

Hindi ko na siya pinakialaman pagkatapos niyang sumama sa bago niyang kaibigan. I was happy for her so I gave her the time to be with Chlio. Dionne has never gotten a girl friend that it became a goal for us, guys, to find her one. Looks like she found it herself already. I just hope they get along really well for a long time.

Nakangiti ako nang balingan si Dionne na lumapit sa 'kin. Her hand slipped inside the pocket of my leather jacket. Hinuli ko pa iyon ngunit napatigil nang may naramdaman. She pulled away and walked out. 

My brows knotted.

"I thought you're fighting?" Justin commented.

"'Wag naman sana kayong maghipuan sa harap ko," Valen said.

Natawa ako at nilabas yung iniwang maliit na papel ni Dionne. The two fuckers talked to each other with a different topic now. I opened the paper and stared at it, my mind running in circles.

It says, 'Are you mine, Motherfucker?' written in Dionne's elegant and beautiful handwriting.

Fuck?

Agad akong tumayo at pinuntahan siya. She walked and I followed. I totally get what the note says but... fuck... why is she asking? Is this... what does she mean... why is she the one asking now?

I was fucking tensed. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin kong maramdaman. I'm happy. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm fucking panicking.

"What is this, Dionne?" My voice almost shook. Nasa sasakyan ko na kami at hawak ko na siya sa kandungan ko. Like me, she didn't try to hide her expressions now. She was anxious too. Her eyes are moist. It's all raw.

I licked my lips and showed her the paper again. I wanted to hear it from her. I was nervous as hell that I didn't believe my reading comprehension.

Tinitigan niya iyon bago naluluhang nilipat ang tingin sa 'kin. She chuckled nervously.

"Well," She wetted her lips. "Are you mine?"

Fuck!

I inhaled slowly as I stared at her hopeful eyes. It's like my soul left my body for a few seconds. Is this... are we... are we together now?! 

God...

The second my lips crashed against hers for a hard kiss, my soul left my body once again. I was so happy I was almost crying. Lahat na ng mura, nasabi ko sa isip ko habang humahalik siya pabalik. Mas matindi. Mas nanggigigil.

After a year, I got to kiss her again. After a few years, I got to hold her without holding myself back. After years and years, I finally got the girl I was thinking about when I wrote Psyche in the damn slambook during 6th grade.

"Five more minutes," I whispered as I snuggled closer to my girlfriend. Bihis na bihis na 'to dahil iniwan na naman ako sa kama.

"The call time is in an hour, mahal. Get up now. Maya maya ay nando'n na rin sila Justin."

Nagrason pa.

"Those fuckers can wait," of course, I reasoned out too.

I didn't have to look at her to know that she just rolled her eyes. I smirked when she gave in and hugged me too. "Fine. But we'll shop for groceries later, okay?"

"Okay, mahal..." I inhaled the scent of her neck. "Ten minutes."

"Ang kulit," she sighed. Nagpayakap naman.

We've been together for months now. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan. We're too happy to even notice how the time flew. I'm even living with her now!

Every waking hour with her was so great. Pagmulat ng mga mata ko, siya agad ang nakikita ko. We eat, go out, and go home together. She takes good care of me. She learns how to cook the food I like. She buys me random stuff. She organizes my life. She takes care of Bullet like he's her own child. She also initiates love time because... I gotta fucking admit that I'd become clingy and she submits to my love language by initiating intimacy. 

I've already introduced her as my girlfriend to my family too and she was nervous as hell. It went well though, considering the fact that my family has a special affection towards her. Especially my Mom and my niece Kachi. They all like Dionne so much my Dad even joked about how I went Harry Potter on her to make her fall inlove with me.

Tss. I didn't even need witchcraft and shit. Hulog na nga sa 'kin 'yon bago niya pa marealize!

"Damn, stop simping over my cousin while I'm talking to you!" Reklamo ni Justin sa gilid ko.

"Nakikinig ako," sagot ko habang pinapanood pa rin si Dionne sa malayo.

We're hanging out at the pool area. Parating pa lang si Valen kaya ako ang naiwan kay Justin. Yung girlfriend ko, ayun, nagbubunot ng damo sa halamanan niya. Nagbigay na naman kasi ng halaman yung kapitbahay. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa namin tinatanggap samantalang wala naman siyang hilig sa halaman.

Well, back when the exchange of plants around the neighborhood has only just begun, I thought she was into plants. Araw araw siyang may bagong halaman na inaayos sa front lawn kaya 'di niya rin talaga ako masisising naisip ko iyon. I ordered a big fucking cactus somewhere outside the city for her and I went home with a bunch of plants for Mama in exchange. Pagkatapos no'n, hindi na ako nagmarunong sa mga gusto niya.

"Yeah, but your mind's somewhere else, dude!" Reklamo pa ni Justin.

I frowned as I crossed my arms and turned to him. "Yeah? Are you sure? 'Cause I remember the exact words you said more than you do."

"Oh, yeah?" Hamon niya.

"I'm fucking exhausted, man. It's like I've found my match! Sobrang tigas ng ulo! Ayaw makinig! Tinutulungan ko na nga, nagagalit pa rin..." I recited his exact words. He only rolled his eyes.

"You should hear what I went through with your cousin," I chuckled. "But I think you should listen to her, though. Let her do things she's confident she can do alone. It's what I did with Dionne. Some girls are just really independent, man. Ayaw pinapakialaman. You should give her the time to adjust to your presence too..." I turned to watch over my girlfriend again and sighed in contentment. Kahit marumi sa pagbubunot ng damo, maganda pa rin. Ang sarap alagaan. Ang sarap mahalin.

"What?!" Justin exclaimed beside me. "What did you say?"

I frowned. Tignan mo kung sinong hindi nakikinig! "Advice, dude! Sometimes you need to fucking listen! Ang haba ng sinabi ko."

"The fuck are you trying to imply? Why would I make her get used to my presence..."

My expression was smug when he stopped talking and stared at me. He looked so horrified it made me chuckle. This motherfucker! Tinapik ko ang likod niya habang gulat pa rin siya.

"I'll let you sink that in alone, man," iniwan ko na siya ro'n para puntahan ang girlfriend ko. Masyado nang naaarawan dahil namumula na. Mahirap na. Iba pa naman naiisip ko kapag namumula 'to.

Dionne may have always been perfect in my eyes, but she has insecurities too. Especially about her parents. She wanted to introduce me to them even when she wasn't totally fine being around them yet. I wanted it too, but I wanted her comfort more when I saw her pressuring herself just to do things for me. Ayoko no'n.

Oo, gusto kong makilala ang magulang niya pero ayokong pinipilit niya ang sarili para ro'n. She's not okay and I'm not risking it. Okay lang naman sa 'king hindi maipakilala. Having her was already enough for me. Siya lang naman ang gusto ko kaya kuntento na ako.

On New Year's Eve, she went home crying. It breaks my heart because if I didn't come home that night from Sri Lanka, she would've cried alone. She was so broken. She said she cut ties with her Dad, but she kept apologizing to me about how she cannot introduce me to him ever. Nasaktan ako dahil iyon pa ang mas inisip niya. I was proud that she stood for herself against her grandmother, but I was mad at her Dad for letting that happen.

Gayunpaman, kinita ko pa rin siya nang hindi alam ni Dionne. She feels guilty, so I did. Hindi ko na lang siya sinama dahil ayaw niya nang makipagkita sa magulang.

I kept a straight face when I went to her Dad's house. Tinanong ko pa kay Justin kung saan. Mr. Villegas was confused when he saw me outside their gate. I refused to ring the doorbell and just waited for him to come out.

I cleared my throat and went up to him. I offered my hand while he was still confused. "I'm Eros Oriordan, Sir."

Tinanggap niya ang kamay ko at nagpakilala rin. I shook his hand for a brief second.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" He asked.

My jaw clenched. If he cares about his daughter, he would've known by now that I'm Dionne's bandmate and boyfriend. It's great that my girlfriend dumped him for good.

"I am Dionne's boyfriend, Sir. We're living together in her house now, but don't worry, I'm not living off of her money. We're both working in our band and I'll get her out of that house once we graduate and get married."

"What are you doing this for?"

I shook my head. "I'm doing this for her peace of mind. She wanted to introduce me to you and to her Mom, but since she cut ties with you, ako na lang ang gumawa."

Michael Villegas opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

"Dionne is a great woman. She's very independent and smart. She works hard and she's very passionate at everything she does. I love her. I've been with her since we were kids. You could've seen her grow if only you didn't leave her." I smiled. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Villegas."

With that, I left. Magpapakilala lang dapat talaga ako, but I felt so mad. My girlfriend's still healing from her childhood trauma, yet her parents continued on with their lives like she didn't exist. I want them to suffer the way Dionne did.

"Are you trying to guilt trip me, Eros?" Aleandra Torre smiled as she stirred her coffee. Halos kilabutan ako dahil kamukhang kamukha niya si Dionne.

I smirked wickedly. "Yes."

Binangga niya ang teaspoon sa tasa at marahang nilapag iyon sa lamesa. "Then Alistine found a great man."

My brow raised. "Of course."

She sighed. "Take care of my girl—"

"I'm doing it."

Ngumiti siya. "I've long forgiven myself for bringing her to this world and I'm past being guilty. Wala nang epekto ang anumang panunumbat na ginagawa mo sa akin."

"Well, then at least free her. She's suffered long enough from your mistake. Don't make her carry it anymore. Own it." I said firmly. Her smile didn't falter and it made me more irritated.

"That's not my problem anymore, hijo. It's been so long, nabitawan niya na dapat iyon—"

Jesus Christ!

Napatayo ako sa galit. "It is your problem! It is your fault she was traumatized! You and Michael Villegas are cowards!"

Her porcelain skin revealed how the veins on her forehead popped out. But she was strong. Nakangisi pa rin kahit may galit sa mata. I angered the mother of the love of my life but I was damn satisfied.

"You have guts. I like you." She sipped on her coffee again.

"Thanks, but I'd rather you having the guts to own up to your miseries and apologize to my girlfriend."

"You can't boss me around, Eros Oriordan." Her voice shook in anger and insult.

I smirked, my blood boiling. "Well, then, I hope everything that Dionne has gone through will haunt you in your sleep every night, Auntie." I bowed a bit. Then I turned to leave the damn coffee house.

Fuck, I can't believe I talked to that woman! She's horrible!

Galit na galit ako habang nagmamaneho pauwi. Nakalma lang nung makita ko si Dionne sa pool area. Kakaahon lang niya at mukhang nagulat pa sa pagdating ko. Sinalubong niya ako at agad ko siyang niyakap.

"Mahal, basa ako!"

"I know," I cupped her cheeks and kissed her deeply. I relaxed more when she responded right away. I love her so much. Napakadali niyang mahalin pero bakit gano'n ang mga magulang niya? I was glad I went alone.

When we reached our first anniversary, I knew Dionne was already expecting sex. I expected it right away too during our first months. I learned that she's a virgin and I've been celibate for years. Nangamba ako ro'n dahil alam kong hindi ako makakapagpigil kapag may nangyari na. I've never done it with a virgin before and I'm scared I'd do it wrong with Dionne. I don't wanna hurt her.

I was also worried we'd get pregnant early. Saulo ko na ang katawan niya. Nahalikan at nahawakan ko na ang bawat sulok. Pati mga nunal niya, alam ko kung saan matatagpuan. We're still not ready for a child as we're busy with school and the band. I don't wanna take her youth and freedom from her... not when she's loving the life we're currently living right now.

I chuckled when the main characters of the movie we're watching started kissing. Bumaba agad ang tingin ko sa girlfriend kong inupo ko sa gitna ng hita ko. She took me out on a drive-in movie date to celebrate my 22nd birthday in advance.

She was already pouting when she looked at me. The characters are having sex now. Halos magreklamo siya sa 'kin gamit ang mga mata. I leaned down to kiss her lips quickly and then I settled for a tight hug. Kung alam mo lang, mahal ko.

"Watch the movie, Psyche."

Inirapan niya ako at padabog na sumandal sa akin. I sighed when she abandoned my hand and crossed her arms over her chest. Ayaw na namang magpahawak.

I was certain we'd do it sooner or later after that. Naisip kong baka sa takot kong ingatan siya, magsawa siya sa 'kin. Women have needs too. That's what I failed to realize in over two years of being in a serious relationship with her.

Dalawang taon rin naman akong nagtiis sa yakap at paggamit ng kamay. Come on! I'm no saint. I'm a very needy partner. Kung 'di lang ako nag-overthink, baka kahit saan, ginawa ko siya. 

I just didn't expect we'd make love on the night before my 22nd birthday...

Damn it!

Tanginang fishnets!

Daig ko pa ang nagdebut!

"Please, love. Let's do it now..." she begged.

I kissed her forehead before reaching for my hardness and positioning it directly to her entrance. I breathed in at the contact. Dionne feels so good! I can't believe I refused to do it with her for a damn long time! I parted her legs even wider to make sure I'll fit perfectly.

"This would hurt a lot, my love..." I said softly and she only nodded in anticipation.

I bit my lower lip as I thrusted slowly, watching our bodies become one. I was trying my best to be gentle because she was so tight. She stilled and I instantly knew it hurt so much. 

"Inhale, babe," I said. Maybe it could help.

But damn it! She was crying in pain and I was starting to panic and feel bad! 

"Just slam it in, babe. I-I can take it."

"But—"

"Please! I love you. I want to do this with you so bad!"

Damn it, mahal...

Umibabaw akong muli sa kanya at hinalikan ang labi niya. I bit and sucked her lips. She wasn't responding well, but she opened her mouth to welcome my tongue. She moaned. When she started responding to my kisses, I slammed all of me inside her.

She screamed. Halos sumabog ang puso ko sa sobrang bilis ng takbo. She's grabbing my hair and it just turned me on more. My lower abdomen was starting to ache. It reminded me that this is really happening now. Our first. We're making love for the very first time!

I knew I told myself to be gentle, but the sight of us being fully connected only fueled my desire. 

I was thrusting ruthlessly as I watched her eyes rolled back from pleasure. Her moans boomed in the four corners of our bedroom that it sent shivers down my spine. Inangat niya ang kamay sa headboard, her boobs bouncing as I slammed in and out. 

I knew she was coming when she held out her hand for me to hold. With her fishnets still on, Dionne Villegas claimed me. I smirked as she shivered from her release. Halos madurog ang kamay ko sa higpit ng hawak niya, but I wasn't there yet.

Hinatak ko siya sa dulo ng kama. I stood up and carried her. Her lips are parted and her brows furrowed upward while she stared at me. I muttered a curse and lifted my head, eyes closed and lips pulled apart.

She was already holding my hand again when I towered over her and released my babies inside her. I was panting and shivering so bad. It felt so good that I forgot I wasn't supposed to come inside.

"I'm safe today, babe. Besides, I'm taking pills for my period. Don't worry too much. We're not having a little Eros yet, my love." She whispered while planting soft kisses on my temple. I relaxed inside her arms.

A little Eros...

My wild heart melted. She thought of having a child... our very own little boy. 

Gods.

"I love you so much, Dionne." I said softly. "Lagi't lagi, mahal ko."

"I love you so much more, Eros Oriordan," she whispered. "I will only love you."

We hugged for a few minutes until she found my weight too heavy for her. I carried her to the bathroom and cleaned the both of us. She looked so tired and satisfied when we went back to bed. I kissed her forehead as she cuddled closer to my chest.

I couldn't get myself to sleep. I still have a lot of energy from all the years I'd been celibate as fuck. Pakiramdam ko nga, sa sobrang tagal, virgin na ako ulit! Dionne was so tired, I had to remind myself... but my hand moved like it's got its own mind.

It went inside her peignoir and she looked up at me when it reached her perky chest. I kneaded her breast. She bit her lower lip as she stared at me with desire. I smiled charmingly before pushing her to lay on her back and topping her once again. Her lips mirrored my smile.

We did it for the second time.

And the third.

And the fourth.

In different positions and locations.

I was still full of energy after that, but she needed to rest. Kinabukasan ay nawalan siya ng boses. I took care of her all day. I even took her position in our band for that certain day... not knowing that it will become an indication of what's to come in the future.

We were happy. There was another level of comfort between us after that night. Suddenly, we started planning for our future together. Believe me, there was fucking butterflies in my stomach when she first opened the topic of marriage. Like some cliché movie character or some shit. I knew then that this relationship will be it for us for real. I already knew it before and now, I was fucking assured.

"Let's wait when we're ready, then," I said when she talked about taking things slow. I understand her perspective. Ang mahalaga naman sa 'kin ay sigurado na kami sa isa't isa.

"Should we get another house?" She spouted like the thought amazes her.

I was smiling when she turned to me. My eyes are soft and my chest feels full. Ang maisip niyang iwan ang bahay na 'to ay malaking bagay para sa 'kin. She wasn't totally healed from her past and I think leaving the place where it all happened is where she'll find true healing.

Just the thought of her finally letting go of this house and moving in with me in a new one where we can start painting beautiful memories...

I caressed her cheeks and she submitted lovingly to my touch. "Do you wanna leave this house?"

"Yes..." she answered, almost whispering. "I want a smaller house with a front yard so Bullet could play and run around. Besides, it would feel less lonely to be in a small home."

I nodded. Everything about her is really beautiful. I bit my lower lip and pulled her for a tender kiss. It was slow but deep, savoring every stroke of our lips. I love her so much that my heart hurts.

"You wouldn't believe how much I love you, Alistine Dionne Villegas. I'll marry you and we'll build a family of our own... in that small house with a large front yard so Bullet and our children could run around. I will love you everyday, Psyche. I will come home to you and make love with you everynight. I will never make you feel lonely, my love."

She cried, but her eyes were full of love.

It made me so inspired to work harder so that I can provide for the family we'll build. I'll give her everything the world can offer. I'll fulfill all her personal needs. I'll roll a carpet wherever her feet fall and worship at her footsteps. I'll spoil all of our kids, the dogs included. I'll be all they'd ever need.

On our second anniversary, we decided to give Bullet siblings. Another doberman and a shih tzu. I was even worried before getting Shadow because the two big dogs might bully him for being so small, but they went along well. I was relieved because my girlfriend wanted Shadow so bad. I seriously don't wanna disappoint her so I trained the children until they all adjusted to one another's presence.

Our family was growing. Our dogs were named under my girlfriend and I's surnames. We had family pictures hung on the wall. For me, it was the start of the future Dionne and I was talking about. We were graduating college. We were busy with the upcoming album. She didn't know, I already bought an engagement ring.

But fuck.

Days before our third anniversary, she turned cold.

It was strange. She's always silent, always spacing out, always on the process of slipping away from my grasp. She doesn't wanna be touched. She's always locking herself up inside our closet before bedtime. She's always disappearing and she'll make up lies when I ask.

It scared the shit out of me because I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did for her to turn this cold to me. We were so happy. We've already planned our future. We've hired people to work for us in our house. We've finished our album and she even dyed her hair for the promotion... so I didn't understand why she left the band.

I saw her before that meeting we had with Miss Gatch. I thought... I thought she was just joking because Dionne was just around the building at the time she broke the news to us. Justin and Valen were confused. But I was beyond worried. I was wrecked. I was beyond weak. After how many days of trying to pull myself together, it was the lowest I felt.

Dionne didn't tell me. She didn't tell us that she's tired of performing.

I was angry because she knows she can always talk to me. I'd always understand. But damn it. Fear overpowered my feelings. She left the band... and I'm so scared of what might follow.

Back then, it was clear to me that she was scared of messing up the band if she gets into a relationship with me. Now, it's slowly manifesting right before my eyes.

Dionne wasn't home. She was nowhere to be found. The guys were mad, but all I care about was getting my arms around my girlfriend. I refused to believe she'll leave me as well. We've already constructed our future. We'll live in a small house with a wide front yard. We'll have children.

Hindi ko na nabilang ang oras na ginugol ko sa paghihintay sa kanyang umuwi. I wanted to cry so bad, but no... she's needs me more. Leaving the band has surely saddened her too. She needs my comfort.

So when she went home to me, I ignored my own feelings and immediately hugged her tightly. She was stiff and miserable. It broke my heart knowing how sad she must've felt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know..." my voice slightly shook. She looked up at me when I pulled away a bit. "I-Is that why you're feeling down lately?"

"You're not mad that I left the band?" Her eyes are troubled but her voice was still cold.

I smiled and shook my head to assure her. "I was shocked. But it's okay, love. I-I understand. Justin and Valen will, too..."

Niyakap ko ulit siya nang makita ang luha sa mga mata niya. I brushed her hair with my fingers. I was trying so hard not to crumble down because somehow, I was comforted with how she's letting me hold her like this.

I kissed her forehead. "Hush, mahal. I'm here. It's okay to leave if you think that you need to."

Whatever her reason is, I'll understand. Hindi ko naman kasi siya pwedeng kontrolin. She's her own person. I wouldn't force her into something she doesn't wanna be involved in anymore.

But what she said next fucking turned my words against me. Yumuko siya at umiling. Humiwalay sa akin at umatras. "I want o-out of our relationship, too."

That's where I completely crumbled. The feelings I was holding back earlier were suddenly freed. My knees trembled. My whole body turned cold.

Anong sabi niya...

Bakit?

"B-Babe..." I gulped. "What do you mean? We're okay—"

"I wasn't." She cut me off.

"No!" I was starting to feel desperate. I refused to believe this is happening. "No, love. Ayoko!" I held her hand and pulled her to bed. Maybe she just needs rest... maybe she'll forget about this in the morning. "M-Matulog na tayo, mahal ko. Pagod ka na."

I refused to feel pain as I was panicking so much.

Hindi ko maintindihan. Anong ginawa ko? Bakit ayaw niya na?

Hindi. Pagod lang siya. Malungkot lang siya kaya niya nasasabi 'yan. 

The way she pulled her hand harshly from me triggered the tears I was trying to hold back. I looked up and tried to calm myself as she continued breaking my heart.

"Ayoko na nga sabi! Break na tayo!" Sigaw niya.

"B-Bakit? Maayos tayo, Dionne. Diba... diba nga magpapakasal tayo—"

She got even more angry. Like I insulted her with the word marriage. "Really, Eros?! Ngayon mo hindi maintindihan ang desisyon ko?! Ayoko na nga! Hindi na rin matutuloy yung mga plano dahil hiwalay na tayo!"

I refused to believe that. Pagod lang siya. Masuyo kong hinawakan ang siko niya ngunit binawi niya lang iyon. It was like the wake up call. Dionne's really serious. She's really breaking up with me...

"Hindi! Ayokong makipaghiwalay. Ayusin natin... aayusin ko, mahal." I couldn't understand. "Ano bang problema? Please... pag-usapan natin."

She shook her head. There are tears in her eyes but her face screams anger. Like I wouldn't be able to change her mind anymore.

"Ayoko na sa 'yo. Tatlong taon, nakakasawa na."

Tangina.

Just like that, she made my world stop in a painful way. I stared at her, tears rolling down my cheeks. All I could think of is why.

"T-Then, I'll give you space. I'll go home and I'll only visit you once a week. L-Let's do that without breaking up—"

"Ano ba?! Hindi na nga sabi dahil walang magagawa iyan!" She cut me off. "Bukas umuwi ka na sa inyo. Maghiwalay na tayo—"

"Dionne, please!" I begged. Sinusubukan ko siyang hawakan ngunit lumalayo lang siya. "Huwag naman ganito."

She stopped moving as she breathed out in disbelief. I put an arm around her. Kinuha ko ang kamay niyang may singsing at hinalikan iyon.

"Psyche, please. Let's fix this... I love you so much. I can't lose you..." I begged. We can fix this. Mahal niya ako. I'll give her space. I won't be clingy this time. Huwag lang niya akong hiwalayan.

But she pushed me away. I don't know if I was shocked or I was just so weak that I took three steps back. My body was cold. The tip of my fingers were numb. I couldn't look up because I was crying so hard.

"I want to break up with you so respect my decision! Nakakasawa ka na, Eros! Sa tingin mo ba, aalis ako sa banda kung gusto pa kitang makasama?"

She said it quickly but it rang slowly inside my head. Word by word, painfully slow that I believed. Sa panghihina ay napaupo ako sa kama at sinalo ang mukha. I was sobbing completely. Nagsawa siya sa 'kin? Saan ako sumobra? And she left the band because she couldn't stand being around me anymore?

"N-Now, if you won't leave, I will."

I wanted to protest...

I wanted to ask where I became too much so I can adjust and we'll fix the problem.

Kaya ko namang ayusin. Kaya ko namang magbago.

But I was crying so hard... I felt so weak. So defeated. I couldn't do anything but cry.

Until I heard her footsteps leaving. And the door closing. And the sound of my heart breaking.