"Hey, what are you doing for Feb break?" Liam's muffled voice reached my ears which, along with my entire head, were currently stuck in my closet in which I was looking for my favorite cardigan to wear to dinner.
Before break started next week, J-term finals were scheduled, so we were studying in my room. Forensic Psychology and Criminal Behavior was hard and time-consuming, even for a Little Ivies school, but fascinating as heck. I didn't think I could ever watch crime shows again, the criminal psychology in them was horrendously and dangerously inaccurate. After completing this class, I would only have a few more required courses for my major. At least in my academic life, things were coming together.
Liam was taking State Politics which was only offered during winter term every year and taught by the former governor of Vermont who happened to be an alumnus of the college. Liam's assigned readings had included anything from the state constitution to Supreme Court cases to academic journal articles on the nature of US federalism. For me, The Early Republic had been enough political science this year.
"After I get back from New York, I'm spending the week at home with my dad and Grampa. You're going home, too, right?"
There it is, my white knit cardigan. He still hadn't spoken when I closed my wardrobe door and noticed the swirls of tension in the room.
"Yeah. What are you doing in New York again?"
Shit, I hoped he wouldn't ask.
A deep breath filled my lungs with some much-needed air. "I'm going to that wedding, remember?" Please don't freak out.
"Wait—John's brother's? You're still going to that?"
The fuzzy rug rustled against the concrete floor as he stood.
"I RSVPed months ago and already bought my Amtrak ticket home from New York. Plus, they specifically asked me to help out."
Marianne had called me out of the blue two weeks ago and had repeated the invitation, telling me they could use a few extra hands. Laura from the background had emphasized that she would be happy to see me again. I hadn't been able to say no to them. Especially when they needed my help after having been so extraordinarily kind to take me in for Thanksgiving.
"I'm sure they've got it covered. You could have gotten a refund." Liam's darkening eyes and hands on his waist pulled me back into the present. My lungs yearned for more oxygen, but I didn't dare reach around Liam to open a window.
"Not on the saver fare."
"But—you're not even friends with John anymore."
A secret I hadn't told anyone was this: I missed John. So what if it was pathetic. I understood we'd more than likely never get together, but I had also lost a friend in December.
"That's coming from you? What happened to honoring commitments? You even get annoyed when I tell you I'll be fifteen minutes late for dinner."
He frowned. "That's different and you know it."
His tone made my stomach stir uncomfortably. It was different and I did know it. Yet, I arched my eyebrows to say 'Is it?'.
He raised his hands in defense. "I think we both know it is."
"Please don't pick a fight you can't win. I'm going."
He looked like I had punched him in the gut. "What's gotten into you? I'm not the one picking this fight. You decided to go to a wedding with your ex-crush."
My breath got stuck in my throat. Shit.
"Don't look so shocked. Of course I knew, I'm not blind."
We had never openly talked about it after that night he had asked me if there was anything going on, before we had started dating.
"Liam, nothing ever happened between—"
"I don't want to talk about him. I know you wouldn't cheat and it's over anyway."
The calmness in his demeanor frightened me. It spoke of the long time he had had to come to terms with it. Even while I had gone behind his back, he had trusted me, hadn't pushed me. Although John and I had been done for almost two months now, the thick, slimy guilt seeped back into the pit of my stomach.
"Grace? It is over, right?"
I willed myself to look into his eyes. "Yes."
He nodded. "Then, moving on: when are you leaving?"
I think he just won the unwinnable fight.
"I have my exam until noon, so Friday right after lunch, I suppose."
"I was going to drive home on Friday morning. I could wait until the afternoon and drop you off there on the way," he offered.
"Liam, I appreciate the offer, but that makes no sense. You'd lose—what, an hour?—through the detour for White Plains, and that's without traffic. And with you leaving that late, you'd lose a good half day with your family. John is driving anyway. I'm not excited about a five-hour car ride in silence with him either, but it's the most practical solution."
A sigh escaped from Liam's lips, marking his concession.
"Then I guess we'd better make the most of our time together before we leave."
Closing the distance between us, he held my waist and kissed me. I was caught off guard, so it took me a second or two to kiss him back. His energy was unusual. Chuckling nervously, I pulled back.
"It's only a week," I reassured him and sat down on my bed, putting my books in order so we could leave for the dining hall soon.
"I know." His voice was soft as he lowered himself onto my comforter beside me. After a minute of watching me tidy up, he added: "I was going to ask you if you wanted to come home with me over break, but I guess I waited too long."
Oh my God, why? I wanted to ask out of shock, but of course didn't. Instead, I managed a vague "Wow." Yeah, who would have thought asking the week of the trip might be waiting too long?
Jessica's words still floated through my mind: 'You have to be honest with yourself.' Even if I had been free, I couldn't imagine taking things to that level of seriousness. "I don't think—"
"Maybe you can come for spring break," he said and his voice dropped low when he placed a hand on my thigh and smiled. "I want them to meet the woman I love."
My breath hitched and discomfort shot through me from how hard I pressed my teeth together. Don't say that.
This relationship wouldn't magically fix itself, even I had come to realize that. But he was making it hard to be honest with myself. Or maybe honesty was seeing that a relationship was hard work and I wasn't working hard enough. Oh, my head is getting all jumbled again. Pushing all thoughts aside, I quickly leaned forward and kissed him. Kissing was definitely better than thinking right now, let alone talking.
He kissed me back more seriously and slipped a hand into my hair. Next thing I knew, we were lying on my bed, his hands roaming over my body, hot and needy. His breath was on my mouth as his teeth nibbled on my bottom lip. An involuntary gasp escaped me, granting his tongue more access to my mouth. My brain had trouble kicking into gear, so I couldn't hear what the objection was that it announced.
Suddenly his hand slipped against the tender skin of my stomach under my strappy coral tank top. Just in time, my gut took over. As softly as possible, I grabbed his wrist and placed it back on my hip, over the fabric.
"You okay?" But he didn't wait for my reply and instead continued kissing me. Panic rose inside me, fast. The keyword was clear and unambiguous in my mind: stop. However, the wire connecting my brain to my mouth was severed. The word didn't come out. Help, this is too much.
A rap on the door startled us. Thank the heavens. Carefully, I pulled away from Liam a little further than necessary and propped myself up on my forearms, waiting to hear if the person would say what they wanted. Even if it was one of my hallmates wanting to borrow a charger again, I'd have happily taken it. But nothing, not a sound.
"If they don't knock again, it's not important." Liam's voice carried hope that the person wouldn't.
But the person did. "Grace?"
"What the—" Liam's face fell when he realized who it was. "Don't."
"You said it was important if they knocked twice," I argued and scooted to the edge of the bed, running a hand through my hair like a comb to at least look somewhat presentable.
Before I could get up to open the door, the keypad was punched as John let himself in.
"Uh, hi. Sorry, I thought you weren't here."
I stood, almost knocking my textbook off the edge of my bed. Behind me, Liam muttered under his breath: "That's just perfect."
Ignoring him, I kept my eyes trained on John. This was the first time we talked in seven weeks and I redirected the irritation about the flutter of my heart toward him. "So you just let yourself in? Why didn't you text?"
"I did, you never answered me back." Whoops, I may have left him on read and forgotten about the message. "I was going to leave you this note about Friday." He held up the sticky note he had fixed to his left hand, showing his almost illegible scribble presumably telling me the departure time. He didn't mention why he hadn't put it on the magnet on the dry-erase board outside of my door, but I didn't ask. Not when his interruption was welcome.
"Who are those chocolates for?" Liam's tone oozed suspicion, making an uneasy tingle climb up my spine to the base of my neck.
John's eyes fell onto the box of fancy Belgian pralinés in his hand as if he were seeing them for the first time. "Oh, these. Um, they're for my writing tutor."
Since when does he have a writing tutor?
"That's awfully nice of you." Sarcasm didn't suit Liam.
My skin crawled from the awkwardness and tension of it all, so the goal was to end this conversation as soon as possible. "Well, now that you're here, let's plan quickly."
"Are you sure?" John asked with a quick glance at Liam who was now sitting upright on the edge of my bed. "You can text me later."
"Yeah, she will," Liam interjected.
I turned around and shot him a dirty look. "It'll only take a minute."
With a frustrated grunt, Liam stood and grabbed his stuff.
"Liam." My annoyance was poorly veiled.
"Why does he even have your keycode? Never mind, take your time. I'll talk to you later," he snapped and pushed past John, not even taking the time to put on his jacket.
John's gaze followed him until he exited into thestairwell. Then he turned back around and deadpanned: "Is this a bad time?"