Kiara Valentina Paladin
Kahit nakauwi na kami't nakaupo na ako sa isang plastic chair dito sa inuupuhan kong room hindi pa rin kumakalma ang kalamnan ko. My hands are shaking and I'm quite disoriented. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang kumawala na namang luha.
"Ate ganda, sorry po." Napatingin ako sa batang babaeng nakaluhod sa harapan ko na may bitbit na towel. Dahan-dahan niyang pinunasan ang sugat sa braso ko habang patuloy na umiiyak.
I feel so bad for her. She doesn't deserve this kind of trauma.
"I'm so sorry, I couldn't protect you, baby." I leaned towards her and pulled her into a hug.
For some moment, I wished I still have my family with me. I wish I could call them and ask them for help. I wish I could ask them what to do during this time cause I know they know better how to handle that kind of people but I am on my own now.
All I could do is to pray that I'll have enough strength and resources to protect this little girl with me.
Matamlay kaming dalawa buong maghapon. We ate our dinner in silence and went to bed without talking much. The silence was heavy and depressing. What happened a while ago did not put me at ease too. I was awake the whole night hanggang umaga. I felt very paranoid and conscious of my surroundings.
I'm not afraid for myself but for this child beside me.
When the clock striked at 6, bumangon na ako mula sa pagkakahiga at naghanda. Ever since Stela stayed with my, nagsto-stock na ako ng pagkain dito sa room ko. May maliit naman akong ref na pwedeng lagyan ng mga meat and frozen foods. I made her a simple bento na may mga favorite niyang fried bacon and brocolli, shiitake and shrimp cutlet, and rice. Nilagyan ko na rin siya ng dalawang strawberry. She always loves it when her bento is full.
Naalala ko dati, sabi niya most of the times she doesn't eat lunch sa school kasi minsan hindi nakakabili ng rice ang mom niya. And if she ever did have lunch sa school, asin or soy sauce and oil ang nilalagay niya sa rice kasi hindi niya afford ang ulam. This became a reason for her to be bullied, if not bullied, pitied by her peers. But it did not stop her from going to school consistently kahit she almost has none. She's very courageous and determined. I admire her for that. That's why effort na effort akong gumawa ng mga bento boxes niya every morning kahit minsan kinukulang sa budget. I want her to grow healthy. I want her to boast about how beautiful her lunch boxes are. I want her to be confident.
I picked up her lunch bag from the table at nilagay doon ang bento box niya along with the sandwich and a small cranberry juice tetra pack tapos yong water niya. Naghanda na din ako para sa work ko today. Nang matapos akong magpalit ng admit sakto namang gumising ang baby girl ko.
"Good morning, Stela," I greeted cheerfully when she stood in front of me. "Mal-" I was about to tell her na maligo na when she suddenly hugged me by my waist. I smiled helplessly and hugged her back. Yumuko ako para mahalikan ang toktok ng ulo niya.
"I love you po, mommy."
Tears streamed down my cheeks again. But I don't feel sad at all. In fact, I feel very overwhelmed and warm.
"I...I..of course, I love you just as much, baby girl."
It is such a wonder how a small ball of sunshine could make you feel so bright and strong despite feeling so hopeless and doubtful. Ito siguro 'yong feeling ng pagiging magulang. 'Yong kahit walang-wala ka na pero para sa anak mo, you can make every impossible things possible.
Stela may not be mine biologically but she's my daughter.
After we ate our breakfast, hinatid ko na siya sa school niya saka ako dumiretso sa cafe. I already feel a little dizzy and light-headed when I step into my place behind the counter.
"Oi, okay ka lang?" Nilingon ko si Den sa tabi ko at nakitang titig na titig siya sa akin. May pag-aalala sa mga mata niya habang pinagmamasdan ako.
Pilit akong ngumie at tumango. "Okay lang. Hindi kasi ako nakatulog ng maayos kagabi kaya medyo matamlay ang pakiramdam ko."
"Sure ka? Baka bigla ka na lang mahimatay diyan ah."
Mahina along natawa at napailing. "Gaga! Okay lang talaga ako. May customer na oh." Ngumuso ako sa direksyon ng pintuan at saka umayos na rin ng tayo.
After our first customer, sunod-sunod ng pumasok ang mga students and workers sa loob ng cafe. We got really busy dahil may isang malaking grupo ng mga professionals ang pumasok sa loob ng cafe and they have a lot of orders. I have no choice but to ignore the strong pulsation above my nape and the tightening of my head dahil busy kaming tatlo sa pagca-cater ng mga online and walk-in customers. The workload eased a little when Kristine came in. I don't have a pleasant relationship with this girl but I am so damn thankful that she came dahil for some unknown crazy reason sobrang daming nago-order online.
After giving Makmak the orders from our online store, inabot sa akin ni Venisse ang serving tray na may lamang cake and dalawang drinks. "Kiara, pakitatid naman 'to sa table ni Minnie."
"Sure." Hearing Minnie's name reminded me of our surprising encounter yesterday. Napailing na lang ako.
I reminded myself again and again na wala akong kinalaman sa buhay nila habang ina-approach ang table niya kung saan kasama niya doon si Alejandro. I did not bother to spare a glance at Alejandro when I arrived in front of them. I feel quite guilty.
"Here's your order, ma'am; one ice americano, merry tree, and a slice of strawberry shortcake." I tried to act as calm as I can when I felt both of their stares boring at my body habang nilalagay ko ang mga orders nila sa table. Napasinghap ako nang kamuntikan ng matapon ang ice americano kay Alejandro. Mabuti na lang at mabilis niya itong nahawakan. I can feel his warm hands on top of mine, gripping it hard to keep the cold cup from spilling. I gulped hard and immediately pulled my hands away without tripping the cup again. "E-Enjoy your drinks po."
I turned around and walked away as fast as I can from them. I feel so much shittier.
Nagpaalam muna ako kina Venisse na magre-restroom muna dahil nahihilo na talaga ako. I want to be alone and far away from this busy people.
Bahagya kong minamasahe ang sintido ko habang naglalakad patungo sa restroom para naman mabawasan ang pagpintig nito. Am I going to die na ba? Will I die from being sick? Am I not going to make it on Netflix documentaries or kahit sa Buzzfeed unsolved man lang?! It kennat beh! I don't want to die so pathetically. I still need to catwalk pa sa stage ng school ni Stela sa recognition day niya.
"Kiara!"
Napairap ako nang tawagin ng isang pamilyar na boses ang pangalan ko. Hindi ako tumigil sa paglalakad patungo sa girls restroom. I don't have time for some chit chats. Nasa labas kasi ng cafe ang restroom kaya medyo effort tayo sa pag-walk papunta sa trono.
"Kiara, please wait!"
I stopped walking when I felt a soft palm wrapping around my wrist. "Kiara, please, I need to talk to you."
I sighed. Tiningnan ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa palapulsuhan ko saka siya hinarap. She looked at me with pleading eyes kaya wala akong choice kung hindi ang pakinggan ang sasabihin niya kahit na may idea na ako kung ano 'yon.
"What do you want to talk about, ma'am?" She let go of my hand and scanned the whole area. After looking around she motioned me to follow her inside the women's restroom saka iyon ini-lock.
"Kiara, about what you saw yesterday, please...please let me handle it. Sana huwag ka ng makisawsaw sa buhay ko. I have an upcoming competition and I... I can't afford to let you tarnish my reputation, Kiara. Kaya sana kalimutan mo na 'yong nakita mo kahapon. I will pay you any amount you want just please don't say a word about what you saw yesterday."
Napahilot ulit ako ng sintido ko dahil mas lalo atang sumakit. "I did not see anything unusual yesterday, ma'am. I was busy working so I don't know what you're talking about. Kung wala na po kayong sasabihin, can you please get out because I'm so close to shitting on the damn floor. Please lang." My irritation just went over the roof.
She said what? Na huwag akong makisawsaw sa buhay niya? That I should not tarnish her reputation? Na she will pay me? Wow! At ako pa talaga ang sisira sa reputasyon niya? Am I the one who cheated on my boyfriend? Do I look so cheap that I'd need a bribe to keep my fucking mouth shut?
"I'm sorry."
"Someone else deserves that apology more than me," ang malamig kong sabi sa kanya bago siya tinalikuran at lumabas ng cr. I came here for peace but I don't think I can get that here. I better use my time for something productive.
"Kiara!" I heard her call my name once again pero mas lalo kong binilisan ang paglalakad pabalik sa cafe.
When I almost reached the door, I saw Alejandro standing beside it while he was busy talking to someone on the phone. Nilingon ko si Minnie na normal na ngayong naglalakad at nakangiti pa. She's smiling as if walang naganap na bayaran sa restroom kanina. I secretly shooked my head and casually walked past Alejandro. I don't care kung hindi muna ako super pretty today. I have a valid reason naman why I look so haggard.
Just as I passed by him agad na umikot ang paningin ko. I tried to reach for whatever I can to support myself from falling on the floor. Hindi ko na alam kung anong sunod na nangyari kasi tuluyan ng dumilim ang paningin ko.
The images of my parents and my grandparents snapped before my eyes. Kung wala sila mom and dad, si lolo ang nasa tabi ko tuwing may sakit. I have a frail body since I was a kid so I often visit the hospital. Dahil na rin siguro premature baby ako.
Now that they're not here, I kinda feel empty and vulnerable. Wala na akong ibang maaasahan ngayon kung hindi ang sarili ko.
Nang magising ako, si Den ang nadatnan kong kasama ko sa isang kwarto. This place doesn't look like a hospital at all with all that cooking books on the shelf and that desk plaque on the table.
Agad na tumayo si Den mula sa one sitter sofa at lumapit sa akin.
"Tubig?" Ang offer niya nang makita na nakatingin ako sa water despenser dito sa office. I nodded and maayos na naupo sa sofa na kinahihigaan. I massaged my shoulders and sighed. I feel much better than I was kanina.
"Ito na 'yong water mo, girl. Kumusta na pakiramdam mo? Gusto mo bang pumunta ng hospital?" Ang sunod-sunod niyang tanong habang inaabot sa akin ang isang baso ng tubig.
"Thank you. Okay na naman ang pakiramdam ko. Pasensya na kung pinag-alala ko kayo. Sino nga pala nagdala sa akin dito?" I asked after sipping a bit of water from the glass.
Unti-unting sumilay ang isang mapanlokong ngite sa mga labi niya saka pabagsak na naupo sa tabi ko. Hindi pa nakuntento ang loka at hinampas ako sa braso. "Alam mo ba, si sir Alejandro ang nagdala sa'yo dito. Shuta ka, girl! Sana ol naman po ano. Tas 'yong mukha niya halatang alalang-alala. Kung wala lang jowa 'yong si sir ship ko sana kayo."
Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya at dahan-dahang napatakip ng mukha. "Oh my gosh! Why did it have to be him?!" Ang inis kong tanong saka nagpapadyak.
"B-bakit may problema ba kung siya?"
"Of course!" I think I'm going to cry.
"Huh? Bakit?"
"Hindi ako nakapag-foundation ulit, that's why! Did you see ba kung gaano ka oily ang face ko? Tapos 'yong lipstick ko nabura na din. Den, just kill me na lang, please."
I don't think I can still face him after this. I just can't! Not when he saw my pimples and my cute oily face.
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