When asking forgiveness and accepting what gods have for me, I realized I had been reckless and rushed with the decision.
I sat on the bench next to the hearth and stared at my parents, Hagen and three sisters in silence, thinking was it some sort of joke? If they did, this was the lowest they could get.
"What exactly do you mean by has offered his hand in marriage?" And who? I scooped through all the people I knew, yet couldn't remember anyone called Dalek though dad said he lived near the village. The name was familiar, but no face was attached to it.
Hagen repeated his words long and slow, saying out the exact same sentence. I blushed. I knew what he meant, hadn't I gone through these three times already? I wanted to know, what he used for excuse not to show up himself.
"I don't even know the guy!" I found every right to be aggravated. So far the men had been someone I had met once or twice or had some connection that helped me to know, who I was to meet, but I had nothing about him. That didn't seem to help – I could see it on their shining faces. He had to be someone of importance then, I decided.
Great, I was getting an offer from another man, who would then spend his days searching new catch among servants. Not my understanding of a family life. It was common here, but in my hopes, I had set my eye on someone, who couldn't afford any more than few male servants and thus have the man all to my own. What a foolish thing.
"I do not..." I whispered, but stopped the moment I saw how sad they got. If I turn this one down too, it will be battle. "I'll think about it?" I offered fast and the sun returned to their eyes. I took my shall and spurted out the house before they could continue with the conversation.
My heart was cold as ice, but what could I do? I had given my promise to the gods. I guess they were angry and now ready with their vengeance. That went fast, I realized and sighed.
I was confused. I understood this was actually meant to make me happy, that I could help my family to get connections with strong family lines – why was it making me so sad then? Sacrificing my life to a man I probably saw as a baby wasn't quite how I imagined it either.
Sacrificing – only the word brought chills all over my body. No, this wasn't the word I wished to use; I better rethink the whole plight into something more appealing. Like...
Hagen said Magnus was traveling with the man, being his good friend and second in demand. Magnus was eighteen when he left and he was older, that would make...? I stopped right there – I had no idea, how old the man was and did it matter? He could be old as the rocks as far as Hagen cared. He had to be older than Magnus, I made a haste decision having no joy poking in knowledge I wasn't provided with.
Why hadn't even the messenger stay there long enough to talk at her presence? If he came from the boat, I knew why, I thought – being so long away from shore as they have been - full five years – she'd be homesick too. He probably just wished to see his family again and that's all, no hidden agenda in this plot.
I reached to the little stream we used for drinking water and cupped myself some to ease the thirst. My mouth was dry and dry was also my head – all the liquids were gone, only salt remained.
"And how long are you going to somber here, girl?"
I came to erupt stop the moment this timeless cracked voice reached my ears. I turned and gazed at the man standing next to me. He was dressed in light traveling cloths and his long beard was heavily groomed like becoming ready for a celebration. He raised his hands high as if waiting for a hug and I knew immediately I had seen the man before somewhere, long time back.
"Haven't you grown to be a beauty, girl, joy to rest my eyes on you." He teased and took a step closer, which made me back away for a second. Who was he? "Come on! Have no fancy to hug your brother, ay?"
"Magnus?" I couldn't believe it when he puffed up even more. "Magnus!" I almost ran him over, becoming once again that little chick, who said good-bye to his brother so many years ago, receiving small teetotum as a leaving gift. Of chores I had to bring it out and show him that little four-sided top. "See – I still have it!"
The man started beaming. "Oh my, I managed to teach my sister a dice game..." he sighed sheepishly.
"What?"
"You still have it...You do know, what the markings on the sides mean?"
I was baffled. "No... I thought it was nothing more than a toy!"
He seemed immediately at ease. "Good, we'll leave it to that." And started walking back towards the houses, tugging me to follow, but I refused.
"No!" I demanded and started chuckling. "I wish to know, what they mean!" I had learned Latin if that was what kept him from telling, little, but still. It had been a monk, who traveled through here one stormy week year ago. He stayed at father's house and while he ate, he'd tell us stories of old times. I didn't understand not one what he spoke of, but I especially liked the story of a grain of mustard seed, that the kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed that looks like nothing, yet when it is ready, it becomes a tree that all birds can sit on and nest there. This way I at least knew the seed was to become a tree, but what was mustard?
"Oh you – I'm not so sure I should."
"Please?" I made my cutest face I could manage, until he gave in and took the toy from my hands.
"See..." he showed me an A, "this means aufer, this one here" he turned D on top, "means depone. This is nihil and the last totum."
Right, so much of me learning Latin – nothing made sense here. "What do they mean?"
"Aufer means to take out one out of the pool."
"From what pool?"
"A pool of coins of chores – it's a dice game, my dear, remember?"
"Of chores I can remember! Continue."
"When depone stands up, you will have to put a coin or two in the pool. Nihil means you don't need to do anything and totum stands for..." his hand flew through the air. "Take it all!"
We both laughed and I felt good that he was back.
"You promised to teach me the game," I continued, "that's why I've kept it."
"You remembered?" he looked impressed, but I wasn't sure he was.
"Certainly." I replied, but grew sad again and patted his hairy cheeks. "You were smooth boy back then." I sighed, sad happiness floating over me.
"Yes, but I'm still as fast as I was then!" he threw out his chest, but then added in sight. "And you have grown big." He nodded, "Yes, you're indeed fine to look at."
"Yeah," I sat back down on the grass, calling him to follow my lead. "And as it seams, betrothed."
"Yes, I heard." He took the offered place. "You don't look happy about it?"
"To tell you the truth, I don't know if to be happy or sad." I smirked. "I've managed to stay away from it so long that it seems strange suddenly capture somebody's eye again. I'm old, Magnus, haven't you noticed?"
He reclined, swept his eyes over my life warn skin and dreadful blue dress. "Nope, I've seen older." He smiled widely like a kid. "I thought all of you are happy to get married."
"Not me."
Right there he could have taken his moment and talk about how important it is to family and what it means to keep up a woman, who has no intentions of leaving her family behind, but he didn't and I was grateful.
"Why not then?"
I paused for a moment to find a good argument. "I haven't even met the man or seen him – I beg your pardon, but he comes to Nordel only when he feels like it. Last time you went with him to leave for five years! How can I marry with someone, who sends out his messenger to propose, who won't even wait for an answer and then expect my full devotion and agreeing response? Marriage on a horseback is how I see it! Living together would be interesting – I knit at home while he takes you and goes for another hunt and war only to return to my death! That's if I'm lucky."
"Laurien! You're a Halland woman – it's how it is done! You can't expect him to turn sober all of a sudden and abandon his men only because a..."
"I know..." I gave up, but felt a strong pulse of anger instead and continued. "This whole marriage is like one big misfortune – he's probably doing this to please his family, not from the wish to be with me. And that is bad, Magnus, very bad. I have no wish to marry off to some bastard, who hasn't managed to find himself a woman in all those years, surely because he's too weird to marry and I'm sure has bad manners towards women, too. If he lays his hands on me, I swear I divorce him before he can even winch! That, of chores if he does decide to come home from his victorious trips."
"Laurien!"
"OR perhaps he wants me to join you? I know some women do that, though I haven't met any, because you often don't bother yourselves with this. Then why he? Your warriors for crying out loud – I haven't even been to the shore. I promise you, I'm gonna be so bad cook he'll wish to split off himself. And washing days are gonna be nuisance – you know, flat buttocks between the green forest..."
"Laurien!"
I clasped my hands together. "All be praised, I do not wish to marry! Not like this!" I repeated this in my head like a pray I hoped the gods will hear. But who would listen mortals like us when they had their own battles to fight? "Why couldn't it be someone, who I know?" I asked. "I did promise to follow Hagen's wishes on this, but I have to admit, marring with marine is not as tempting as with man from the fields, who you know works hard or become a woodworker's wife – at least I'd know, who they are! Outweighs any man, who deals his matters like this."
He stared me long, like thinking if to try saying my name once more, but brushed the thought aside and instead went straight to the point.
"You have met him before, Laurien."
"When?"
"You're just scared, sister."
"And can I be blamed for this?" I wasn't ready to give in. "When I was ten? Was it when I was ten? I was mere child then! I am not that little shy pigtailed blue blooded ghost I was then! I am a woman, who has her own opinion and life experience and does not need a partner, who has his twisted ways and make me feel stupid and childish. He will only see a child in me then, Magnus – a child!"
He let me go on with my ranting for some time, before placing his huge hand on mine and shut me up.
"Has it ever occurred to you he might actually be a good man?" he asked his voice husky.
"I don't know," I shrugged. I knew then my attitude was getting tiresome even for me. "I haven't had much time to think about it." I added with a whispered.
"Why?"
I glanced up on him. He sounded candidly surprised. "The messenger arrived mere hours ago."
"Really?" he leered, which did not go unnoticed on either side, so he widened his grin into wild smile and patted on my hair. "I'm afraid Apal has to let his old horse have his well deserved rest then. Poor man – he loves that cade foal."
I didn't get it. "Why would he have to give him up?"
"What?" He blinked few times. "Oh yes, well, we thought if he'd get here first in the morning, you'd have more time to think about it."
I felt like falling over and was clad I was already sitting. "I didn't quite get that – please repeat?"
That was wrong move to the wrong path he realized, but it was too late, I was already folding my hands on my chest. I guess he should have mixed the water a bit, say something like Dalek had arrived already last night and has seen me worthy of becoming his wife. Not splutter out they were on their way here when they sent out the messenger.
"How on earth did you manage to stay alive with that ill skilled tongue of yours?"
He shrugged. "I kept my mouth shut?"
"And why am I now talking to you then?"
"What do you mean, lass?" His eyes grew wider.
"It is obvious you have no talent in words!" I mocked him and gave him a good kiss on his cheek. "With such mistake, he'd be without the bride before he can even meet me in person!"
"He will have his hands full with you indeed..." he gave me a friendly hug. I felt relieved I wasn't talking about Dalek anymore.
Apparently my family had already decided my faith for me as had the gods. I just didn't know it yet. Or, well, now I did. They only wished me good.
But I wasn't over talking about him, I wished to know more. It mattered little to me what they wanted, I wanted to know him first.
"What is he like?" I asked slowly, keeping my look firmly on the spider creating its web between two straws.
He didn't answer right away and I began to wonder if he heard me or not, until he finally spoke.
"Take my advice, Laurine – you have nothing to worry about."
I didn't see it this way. In my head, there were lots and lots of unanswered questions that worried me. Among them the missing image of the betrothed.
"I wish I had your confidence." I suspired. "He might not even like me when he learns who I am."
"Laurine, you're in his heart since you were mere toddler." He tried to make me laugh, but failed.
"Great, he's one of those daddy-like men, who will talk to me only in pitching tone and sing me to sleep."
"Laurine, you're being unfair!"
"I'm sorry, brother, it has been one long day already and I'm tired. I'm not exactly the sister you were hoping for – mild, sweet and utterly nice."
He gifted me with one of his long smiles. I was clad to see them again, I've missed them. Suddenly I hoped Dalek would have the same sort long smiles full of warmth. Hard to believe Halland men to possess it, but my brothers sure did and my father, too.
"No, no – you are precisely how I hoped you'd be. I thought you'd be married already, leaving poor Dalek with long face, but even without that, right as you ought to be."
I blushed. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He grinned. "There, did I make you feel better?"
Still with great sense of his own importance, I thought and nodded. "Yes."
"So I do have what it takes in the field of words?"
Now that poking was pure Magnus talking.
"Yes!" I paused. "You said I knew him?" I asked thoughtfully.
"I'd say you knew each other well."
"Why can't I remember him then?"
"Perhaps it is better you don't," he whispered under his breath, but coughed like a dog when I was about to ask about that, cleaned his throat and said out loud- "He came here often and he played with you, too. He was always bringing some playthings to you and then sat there next to you watching you break them again."
"I did not!"
"Oh yes you did and believe me if I say you did a good job, because I never saw you with the one toy twice!" He paused, amused by my flushing rage and continued. "Then you'd patiently waited 'til getting his full attention again and shyly gave them back."
Fine, I admitted, it did sound a lot like me...
"He then returned with another carved stick and you repeated your actions on that one, too. Never seen a man as patient as he was with you, sister."
I was impressed as this indeed came across much nicer than the blabbering old drunk I had in my visions.
On the other hand it made me wonder, what on earth made him make his offer if all I did was break his toys all the time? My heart grew heavy on that very moment and staid so 'til bed time.
Magnus immediately extended his hand and grabbed me from the shoulder asking if I was alright.
"Of chores I'm alright!" I snapped, pale as the snow.
"But I don't remember him at all – not even when we sent you off?" I quickly changed the talk. I didn't wish to remember myself as a breaker. All this time I had memories of being nice and calm and awfully shy girl, who didn't even dare to whistle in the forest afraid a wold might come and eat her.
"Child's memory." He soothed. "He didn't talk to you before going. But alright now," he rose, "the men are waiting and my horse is still tied up to the tree."
"When did you arrive?" I jumped up, realizing how unseemly I had taken his time.
"Just now, I saw a woman coming up here, thought it was Pala – Ueh, I've always liked that girl – pretty slender shoulders and arch on her back... like a bow! Turned out to be you instead." He laughed. "Didn't understand it was you before seeing the circlet father made for you for Zahrah's wedding." He sighed. "You are coming?"
I nodded, though I didn't wish to go. "Men..." I remembered. "Will Dalek be there too?"
"Of chores."
That immediately made me change my decision and I sat back down. "I have no wish to see him like this!" I declared, heart pumping inside as if I'd jumped in an ice cold lake. "Not tonight," I added.
"Why not? You'll have to see him eventually."
"I know, but not tonight. Tomorrow."
"Girl!"
"You can hit me, through me to the fire of the sun, let me be eaten by the wolves and ticked through with needles – I will not make an appearance." I set my foot down and pulled the green shall stronger around my shoulders. "I need to think. Especially now. I don't have to give him my answer as I'm sure Hagen has already moved that obstacle and they are arguing over how much he'll have to pay for me. I can't be there when they do that, can I?"
Magnus was obviously irritated, when he left. But so was I. At least I kept telling myself I was. Hoping that in some weird point it becomes the truth.