26.
Potential
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"I have a bigamy case. Nagpakasal nang 'di pina-declare na patay na asawa. E bumalik 'yong lalaki. Tapos ngayon, nag-aaway-away 'yong mga anak sa mana."
"Hay, Diyos ko. 'Yong sa'kin, rape with homicide."
"May nagsabi sa'kin na nag-apply for commission si Nayeli for notary public. Totoo ba?"
I silently sipped my cucumber juice as I stared at the table, nothing in particular. Paunti-unti akong nabingi sa masayang kuwentuhan ng mga kaibigan ko na lahat ay kinukuryente pa ng kasabikang iniwan ng pagpasa namin sa Bar exams at pinag-igting ng bagong mundong ginagalawan namin ngayon.
It had been months since we became lawyers. I stayed with the law firm and had been handling cases of my own. I was focused on special proceedings, . Madalas kong kliyente iyong mga nagpapapalit ng apelyido, nagpapahati ng estate, at gustong mag-ampon. Ang sabi sa amin ng professor namin dati, malaki ang kitaan dito at hindi delikado kumpara sa pag-handle ng mga criminal case. She was right. I was earning suprisingly fine considering I was new.
"Ito si Willow, bigtime na talaga 'to."
Nalilitong ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa mga kasama. Ngiting-ngiti sa akin si Ate Mira habang kuryusong-kuryuso ang tingin ni Bredant.
"Anong 'bigtime'? Hindi, a."
"I know you're earning fine. Tapos going steady pa kayo ni Prosec. Calleja. You're so blessed. You must be happy."
I just hissed as I tried to hide a smile.
Ate Mira was now a PAO lawyer. Si Bredant naman ay nagtatrabaho sa malaki at kilalang law firm. Of course, he topped the Bar exams. Tandang-tanda ko pa kung paano siya magreklamo sa amin kung anong pipiliin niya sa naglalakihang law firms na nag-o-offer ng trabaho sa kanya. At sa mga naririnig namin, balak ngang mag-notary public ni Nayeli.
"These food and drinks should be on you," Brendant teased in half-truth.
"Oo na, oo na," pagsuko ko.
Mga abusado at abusada talaga.
Kapag nagkikita-kita kami, ito talaga ang madalas na eksena. They would rant about their works and all. Kung paano lamunin ng trabaho ang buhay nila o kung gaano pala talaga kahirap ang practice kaysa sa law school. Kung paanong hindi nga talaga dapat tanggihan ang mga akusado ng kanilang mga karapatan.
Nakakainggit.
"Birthday niya ngayon, 'di ba?" Ate Mira asked as she eyed me intently.
Tumango ako at ipinatong sa mesa ang juice.
"He's in his late thirties na, 'no? Ang tanda na rin pala ni Prosec," nakapangalumbabang komento ni Bredant. "Kumusta kayong dalawa?"
"We're fine."
"Matagal na rin pala kayo, 'no? Wala pa ba kayong balak magpakasal?"
Utang na loob, Bredant.
Bakit ba lahat atat na atat na magpakasal kami? We were still enjoying this relationship as it was. Kung gusto na naming i-next level, gagawin din namin kung kailan tingin namin ay puwede na.
"E ikaw?" baling ko sa kanya. "Hanggang palipad-hangin ka na lang ba ro'n sa nurse, ha?"
Bredant obviously wasn't expecting my retort that he found solace in silence. Tawang-tawa roon si Ate Mira at sinimulan siyang tuksuhin.
Akala niya, a.
Nagpatuloy ang pag-uusap at mas uminit lang ang puwetan ko sa kinauupuan. Paminsan-minsan nila akong isinasama pero wala talaga ako sa mood magsalita hanggang sa hinayaan na nga lang din nila ako.
I weakly smiled as I looked at them.
They were happy. They loved who they had become. They were contented how everything came out for them.
I was the opposite.
Akala ko magiging okay din ang lahat oras na maipasa ko ang Bar exams. Akala ko mabubusalan na ang mga agam-agam ko. Pero hindi ko inakala na mas iingay sila.
Hindi na talaga ako masaya.
It was okay at first. I was doing fine. This was what I had prepared for. Ito iyong dahilan ng mga paghihirap ko sa law school. For a time, those thoughts carried me day by day. Pero hindi rin nagtagal ay hindi ko na kinaya pang ignorahin ang kawalang patuloy na lumalawak sa akin.
Wala sa sariling napahawak ako sa sentido nang naalala kung paanong iniiyakan ko ang lahat sa tuwing nakahiga na para matulog.
I knew this was already taking a toll on me. Everyday was a struggle to accept the things I needed to. Wala akong magawa. Kung meron man, maraming ikasisira.
I finally accepted wholeheartedly the fact that this profession wasn't for me.
"Prosec!"
Agad kong hinanap ang tinawag. Binati ako ng maaliwalas at magandang ngiti ni Sigfred habang naglalakad siya patungo sa amin. He was cladded in a white dress shirt, black slacks, and shiny leather shoes. Nakasukbit ang isang travel bag sa kanang balikat niya.
Nagsitayuan ang mga kasama ko. Sigfred was pleased. They started talking as if they had been part of the same social circle for years.
Puro na nga pala kami rito alagad ng batas. Magko-compañero at compañera na. Parang kailan lang, ginigisa kami ni Sigfred sa mga sarili naming mantika. Parang kailan lang, minumura namin siya sa isip namin. Tapos ngayon ay pare-parehas na kaming lahat. Only that, of course, he was already a seasoned lawyer and didn't need any validation anymore.
"Oh, Miss Guerrero? She's a notary public now?" Sigfred seemed surprised when Ate Mira spilled the news.
Of course, he was curious. He always thought she would be a criminal lawyer at this time.
He admitted to me that Nayeli was one of his favorites in our batch. Matutuwa ang gagang iyon kung malaman niya.
So, was I a favorite of him, too? No. Siguro paborito raw niya gisahin, oo. Buwisit na 'yan. Sobrang honest. Ang sarap tuktukan. Hindi pala talaga siya impressed sa performance ko sa law school noon pa.
"Hindi pa po, Prosec. But I heard she applied for a notarial commission."
Nagtagal pa nang kaunti ang pag-uusap nila hanggang sa tumingin si Sigfred sa kanyang relo. That was my cue to stand up and gather my things.
"Happy birthday po pala, Prosec," ngiting-ngiting bati ni Ate Mira na agad namang sinundan ni Bredant.
"Thank you," Sigfred replied.
Dumako ang tingin niya sa akin. He smiled at me and stretched his arm. Nangingiting inabot ko ang kanyang kamay at lumapit na sa kanya.
"We'll go ahead," paalam ko sa mga kaibigan ko na panay ang sulyap sa magkahugpong naming mga kamay.
Manunukso na naman ang mga 'to.
"Kanina pa kayo ro'n?" he asked when we reached the parking lot.
"Not really." Inabot ko sa kanya ang susi ng sasakyan ko. "Bakit natagalan ka 'ata?"
"I had to attend to a witness." He opened the car door for me. "He collapsed after the hearing so we had to bring him to the nearest hospital."
Tumango ako at pumasok na sa sasakyan.
It was the weekend and we decided to stay at his resthouse in Pampanga. It was that one he bought recently. Para raw kapag bored kami sa city life ay may iba kaming mapupuntahan.
We had been busy with our work that we didn't have the time for ourselves. To make this possible, I filed a leave for tomorrow. Tama lang din na buong weekend ay naroon kami. We needed days to not think of our responsibilities so we could be at our best next week.
"How's work?" he asked as he drove my car. "You look tired."
"I need a longer vacation."
Tumawa siya saka bumusina. "Where do you want to go next?"
"I want somewhere cold. Maybe Japan this December." Binalingan ko siya. "You should go with me."
"Of course." Sinulyapan niya ako. "Always, if you want to.
Ngumiti ako. Alam na alam talaga nito kung anong sasabihin para kiligin ako.
"Happy birthday, babe."
He reached for my hand and kissed it. "Thank you."
"You're so old—"
"Why are you so bothered with my age?"
Tumawa ako at niyakap ang braso niya.
He wasn't fond of celebrating his birthday and inviting people. Nakauubos daw ng enerhiya kapag ganoon. So we were to celebrate it just the both of us. Na-celebrate na rin naman niya kanina kasama ang mga katrabaho niya kaya okay na rin siguro iyon. Pero hindi ko lang sigurado kung papayag ba si Tita Agnes na ganoon lang. Ang alam ko kasi, ang nanay niya ang atat na atat na maghanda. Hindi na ako magtataka kung pagbalik namin sa lungsod ay umungot iyon na mag-late celebration pa.
Nakatulog ako sa biyahe at nagising na lang ako nang tusukin ng daliri ni Sigfred ang pisngi ko.
The resthouse was a simple bungalow painted with white and dark brown colors. Malawak ang garden na may samu't saring bulaklak. Nakatayo iyon sa may kataasang parte ng burol. Kitang-kita ang palayan mula roon at ang bilog na bilog na buwan.
One thing I learned about Sigfred was that he was a frugal and practical person. Kapag hindi kailangan, hindi talaga siya bibili. At kung bibili man, sapat lang. Kaya hindi na ako nagtaka na hindi magarbo itong binili niya kahit alam kong kayang-kaya niyang bumili ng mas maganda at mas mahal kaysa rito.
"I'm sorry. I don't think I can cook you food tonight," I said apologetically as we reached the inside of the house.
I promised to cook some food for him today. Nagdala na rin nga ako ng mga ingredient at inumin ngayon. But I was damn tired from the trip.
"It's okay. You can do that tomorrow. Late na rin."
Gigising na lang siguro ako nang maaga bukas. He wasn't exactly a morning person so I might be able to prepare before he would wake up.
"Wait here," sabi ko sa kanya at lumapit sa sofa kung nasaan ang shoulder bag ko.
Pagkakuha sa maliit na itim box sa bag ko ay mabilis ko siyang binalikan.
"I got you a gift!" maligayang sabi ko saka binuksan ang box. "Happy birthday, babe." At isinuot ko sa kanya ang relo.
Lumapad ang ngiti ko nang nakumpirmang bumagay nga sa kanya iyon. It looked good on his tanned skin.
"This is expensive," he commented when he saw the brand.
"Of course, it is as it should be. I won't give you cheap things when I can afford to buy nice ones."
Ngumiti siya at marahang pinisil ang pisngi ko. "Thank you."
I giggled and kissed his palm.
Because it was already late and we were beat, we decided not to eat anymore. I was still full with the food I had with my friends. Samantalang iyong kinain niya raw kanina kasama ang mga katrabaho niya ay hindi pa natutunaw.
"Maliligo ka?" tanong niya nang napansing iniipon ko ang pambihis ko.
Tumango ako. "Ikaw?"
"Sabay na tayo."
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. "I'm tired, ha."
Tumaas ang kilay niya, nangingiti. Inirapan ko siya.
"Do you plan to be a prosecutor for life?" I asked randomly.
We were at the tub now. Nasa likuran ko siya at abala sa pag-shampoo ng buhok ko.
So far, he was true to his words. Behave nga talaga siya. Mabuti naman at talagang pagod ako.
"I plan to apply for judgeship once I'm ready and qualified."
Wow. He really got plans, huh. I never expected he wanted to be a judge.
"How about you?" baling niya sa akin.
Natigilan ako.
Oo nga. Ano pa bang plano ko bukod dito?
Nang naipasa ko ang Bar exams, parang tumigil na ang lahat sa akin. Pati pangangarap.
"I-I don't know."
"It's okay," he consoled. "You're a new lawyer. You'll figure out things soon."
Mapakla akong ngumiti.
I didn't know if I would be able to.
"Babe," he called softly a little later, disturbing my thoughts.
"Yeah?"
Matagal bago siya nagsalita. "Are you sure of me?"
Kumunot ang noo ko. "I told you I am."
He had been asking me the same question for quite awhile now. Hindi ba siya nagtitiwala sa akin? I was really sure of him. I couldn't see myself with anyone anymore other than him.
Lumipas muli ang ilang segundo bago niya binasag ang katahimikan. "Do you see me as your husband?"
I gasped inwardly and turned my body to face him. He looked unsure as he returned my gaze. The last time I saw him like this was when he asked me if he could court me.
Biglang bumangon ang kaba at pagkasabik sa puso ko.
"Akala ko ba 'di tayo nagmamadali?"
"Yes." He held my chin. "But I'm sure of you, though. Surer than before."
"Are you . . . proposing?"
"Ah," he cleared his throat,"yeah, actually. But . . . not like I planned . . ."
De puta madre.
He was proposing, after so many months of my anticipation!
"W-where's the ring?" I tried so hard not to tremeble, but goddamn it!
"I thought you're not ready yet—"
"The fucking ring, Sigfred!"
Kumurap-kurap siya at tumayo. Agad kong iniwas ang mga mata. Hindi pa rin ako masanay-sanay, buwisit.
Habang wala pa siya ay kinalma ko naman ang sarili at binalikan iyong mga paramdam niya noon na ngayon ay nagkakaroon na ng sense. He wanted to marry me. And when I thought I was fully convinced that I didn't want to be tied down just yet . . .
Mayamaya nga ay bumalik siyang hingal na hingal.
He really got a fucking ring!
"Are you really proposing to me naked?" natatawa at naluluhang tanong ko sa kanya nang akma siyang luluhod.
"Ah, right. Sorry." He stood up and grabbed the towel and wrapped it around his torso down to his lower extremeties. "Is this enough?"
Ngumiti ako at tumango. I got up from the tub and walked to him. He looked at me as if he was amused.
"Are you sure you're going to answer me naked?" natatawang kopya niya sa tanong ko nang nasa harap niya na ako.
I rolled my eyes. "Pakakasalan kita o magrereklamo ka?"
Tumawa siya at lumuhod na.
And it finally hit me deeper this time.
He wanted me to be his wife!
"Miss Willow Wynter G. Barrameda, my former student, my ultimate hater, the love of my life, will you marry me?"
Tinitigan ko siya at sinaulo ang kabang nakapinta sa mukha niya. I must have taken longer because he seemed to grow anxious.
As if I would reject this tempting offer, Sigfred.
"Y-yes," paos kong sagot at pigil muli ang pagluha. "I'll marry you, Sigfred."
His eyes shone in relief and delight. He stood up and wore the finger on me as I held back a sob. But when he looked me in the eye, I was defeated. I cried damn hard.
"I'll be good to you," he whispered to my ear as he wrapped me inside the towel dangling on his arms. "I won't make you regret this."
"You should." I sniffled. "Even if I love you, kayang-kaya kitang iwan 'pag ginago mo 'ko."
Tumawa siya at hinalikan ako sa pisngi.
Pinagmasdan ko ang singsing. For someone as thrifty as him, I didn't expect this engagement ring to cost a lot. It had diamond in it. Bigla ay parang gusto kong hubarin sa takot na mawala iyon. May pagkaburara pa naman din ako.
Hindi muna namin sinabi sa mga magulang namin ang tungkol sa engagement. I wanted to enjoy it first before we would tell them. O kaya naman ay kapag may scheduled date na kami.
This was real now.
I was engaged to him.
"Mabuti at nakarating ka!"
I smiled. "How could I not? Text ka nang text. Nagha-hang na cell phone ko."
Tumawa si Vivienne at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. "I missed you, Ate!"
"I missed you, too!"
She invited me to attend a pageant where she was a judge. I didn't have anything to do and I missed her since she became a celebrity so I obliged. Na-miss ko na ring manood ng pageant kaya okay din ito.
She had been extremely busy with her schedule that we barely had seen her. Ever since she joined Binibining Pilipinas, people had been craving for her on television. Dinaig niya pa iyong nanalo talaga.
"If you need anything, just text Lola, okay?" sabi niya sa akin habang iginigiya ako sa upuan ko.
"I'll bear that in mind."
Tinawag na siya ng isang staff kaya iniwan niya rin ako at itinuro sa akin ang ni-reserve niyang upuan ko.
"Willow?"
Napatingin ako sa tumawag. My eyes widened when I realized who it was.
"Tito Jonas!" Ngumiti ako at nagmano. "Kayo po pala! Kumusta po?"
He chuckled. "Mabuti naman, hija. Ikaw? Ang tagal kitang 'di nakita. Abogada ka na pala. Congrats."
"Okay lang din po. Maraming salamat po."
Tito Jonas was an obese man in a three-piece suit. He was Hernan's father. When his son and I were still in a relationship, it wasn't hard to know that he really liked me for Hernan. Medyo close kaming dalawa dahil himdi naman siya mahirap pakisamahan. He always made me feel welcome. I never saw him since Hernan and I parted ways so I was really glad seeing him here.
Ang alam ko ay malaki ang sponsorship niya sa Binibining Pilipinas. Although he was somehow a part of this industry, nagulat pa rin akong nakita ko siya rito lalo na at hindi naman Binibining Pilipinas itong pageant.
"Naku, kung ikaw mag-Binibining Pilipinas, sigurado akong mananalo ka."
He had always encouraged me to join the prestigious pageant. Isa siguro iyon sa mga rason kung bakit gusto ko siya. He was one of the few people who wanted me to do this.
Ngumiti na lamang ako bilang sagot.
"Nanghihinayang pa rin ako sainyo ni Hernan, hija." Umiling-iling siya. "Pero pasaway din kasi talaga 'yong anak kong 'yon kaya naiintindihan ko."
Nagpaalam din siya mayamaya at nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I was sure he would have kept expressing how he didn't like the breakup. Mapupunit ang labi ko kangingiti nang pilit.
The program started, finally. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I looked at the pretty women confidently showcasing their beauty and wit.
Muli ay binisita ako ng mga ideyang pilit kong ikinukulong sa kaibuturan ko.
Paano kung .piliin ko na 'to?
Paano kung pagbigyan ko na rin ang sariling gusto?
The event had ended with me not really enjoying it. Sa isang bagsakan ay nag-agawan ang mga pagdududa ko sa akin. They wanted my attention all at once. I couldn't keep up.
It was damn scary.
Ilang sandali pa ay sinundo ako ni Lola para puntahan si Vivienne. We were on our way when a man came to me.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nakilala kung sino iyon.
"Hi! I noticed you earlier. You're Atty. Barrameda, right?"
It was Mr. Jackson B. Tejada! A known trainor of beauty queens and an owner of a modelling agency!
"Y-yes," kabado ngunit masaya kong sagot.
Bakit nga pala niya ako kilala?
"I have been hearing about you. You're interested in pageant, right?"
"That was a long time ago."
"Oh, gano'n ba?" He looked genuinely disappointed. "Kunsabagay, abogada ka na pala. Pageantry is no longer in your life. But in case you change your mind," he grabbed something from his bag and held it out to me — a calling card, "this is my contact information."
Magalang kong inabot iyon mula sa kanya. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. I hope I hear anything from you. I see potential in you, Atty. Barrameda."
Then, he left just as fast as he approached me.
Napatitig ako sa calling card.
Should I still . . .
I shook my head.
No, I shouldn't. It would be crazy if I did.
I was no longer . . . interested . . .
Putang ina.
Naabutan namin si Vivienne na kausap ang ilang tao. It took her a while before she noticed us.
"How was I?" she asked excitedly when she came to us.
"You were amazing."
She was no longer awkward before the camera unlike before. It was a huge improvement on her part.
"Thank you!" Nabaling ang atensyon niya sa hawak ko. "Ano 'yan?" Kinuha niya iyon sa akin. Pagkatapos ay natutop niya ang bibig. "Oh, my God! He approached you?"
"Oo. Noong papunta kami rito—"
Impit siyang tumili at niyugyog ang mga balikat ko. "He's the Jackson Tejada, Ate! Do you know who he is? Siya lang naman ang isa sa mga tinitingalang beauty queen producer dito sa'tin!"
"I know who he is."
"Are you going to try it?"
"N-no!" Natigilan ako sa sariling sagot. "I-I mean I'm busy with work. And . . . I don't think it's meant for me."
Hindi agad siya umimik. Pinagmasdan niya ako nang mabuti. Napaiwas ako ng tingin.
"Are you sure you don't want this anymore, Ate?" she asked as she looked at my critically.
"I . . . It's not my priority anymore."
"But you still want it."
Mas lalo kong iniwas ang tingin sa kanya.
Oo, gusto ko pa rin. Kahit lumipas na ang panahon. Kahit anong pilit kong hindi na rin iyon para sa akin.
Bumuntong-hininga siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Piece of advice, Ate. Life is short for things that don't make you happy. Do what you love." She paused. "Live your life with no regrets."