TRIGGER WARNING: YOU'RE GONNA CRY, GRAB TISSUES
Okay that's not a warning but anyway
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It felt familiar. Nathalie could never forget the last time she had stared up at the sky like this. It wasn't too many months away. Just like back then, in that beach in Fort Slava, she now lied down, unable to move, her eyes, fixated at the sky. The dark grey sky reflected perfectly on her bright blue irises. She couldn't think too much right now. Blood seeped from the corner of her lips. But that wasn't the only blood that seeped from her body right now. She could hardly breathe. Each breath felt like it was tearing her insides. But she tried to. She tried to breathe just to stare at the sky, and see how peaceful it was. There was something so soothing about the dark grey clouds that covered everything above. It was raining, but not too much. It was a light drizzle. A few cold drops found her face.
Her ears still buzzed from the bomb that had landed right on top of her. Levi had sent a thunderspear, diverting it from landing on her, but it still landed pretty close. It hadn't burned her body, but still... still. Her bullet wounds were too many and she had been bleeding for too long. And then, it was that large chunk of metal that she had landed on as she was tossed away from the blast and it had stabbed right into her body. Her one arm lingered on her belly. She couldn't tell whether she had lost it or not. Her child. Well, it didn't really matter, did it? She was dying.
A few more drops of rain landed on her cheeks, her body. Her blood had soaked her clothes and even the muddy soil beneath her. And she knew. She knew that was it. She didn't know whether she was supposed to cry or feel relieved. She didn't know whether she wanted to stay back with her husband and children or just... rest. Just rest. Please. A part of her begged. She had returned from the hell that she had gone through in Marley, but even when she returned home with her friends, her children, her husband, she still suffered. Hell seemed to follow her everywhere.
For a moment she felt like slipping away. Yeah. Right now, for real this time, because there was no one and nothing that could bring her back. She had no squad to scavenge her body within the corpses of a battlefield and force her back to life. And the people that she had there that loved and cared about her, would never try to bring her back from the dead, forcing her to fight and stay into this hell of a life. Yeah. That was it.
Nathalie closed her eyes tiredly and she allowed the exhaustion to overtake her. But the moment she closed her eyes, all she could see was Furlan and Isabel. Their cute little smiles. The nights she spent reading bedtime stories to them. The hours she spent teaching Isabel new words and how to read. Her sweet little babies. Oh God. Tears rolled down her cheeks and merged with the raindrops.
"Mommy and daddy are going to come back... I promise you," Nathalie gave it her all to keep her voice low, because this might have been a promise, but she did not want them to hear it. She did not want them to hear her promise them something that she couldn't keep. "Mommy and daddy love you both so much," At least that was something that she could indeed promise that it was true.
No. She couldn't even promise that even that last part was true. She couldn't even promise that she loved them. Them and that precious little life inside of her. She couldn't even promise that, because her marriage was ruined. Her relationship with Levi, the man that she loved, and spent so long falling for, he thought she had chosen him over somebody else. Oh God. She had failed as a mother because she was right there now, dying. Because she had launched right into a battle knowing full well that she was probably pregnant. Knowing full well that she had children waiting for her.
But she had felt so overwhelmed. So much trapped and cornered. Like a scared little helpless animal trapped in a cage. She wanted to escape that cage. She wanted to escape Levi's grasp. She wanted to escape life in general. And now Erwin was gone. The Survey Corps had been probably wiped out. The soldiers of Paradis had been probably wiped out by Marley's reinforcements. The kids she loved so much were probably dead. They had lost this war. She could feel it. And her babies were to live a worse hell than the one she and Levi had grown up into.
A sob erupted from her throat. She felt arms around her. A voice uttered her name, but it took a moment for her ears to discriminate the sound, because the buzzing from the blast was still too deafening in her head. But she opened her eyes, and she released more tears down her cheeks. She let out a grunt of pain as Levi knelt down beside her and settled her body on his lap. The other side of the metal that was stabbed in her belly, protruded from her back, and pressed painfully down his lap, but he didn't care. He settled her body in his arms and he looked at her with wide eyes in terror. His hands shook around her as he held her. He cupped her face and he talked to her. He talked to her, but she could barely hear him.
"...Nat! Nat! Stay with me... don't you dare fucking die on me... don't you fucking dare," Levi gritted his teeth and he shook his head in denial. "Wait, I've got a serum, I'll save you... I'll save you... I won't let this be the end," His hands searched around his outfit and he pulled a syringe out that was thankfully intact. "I've got you... I've got you,"
He tried to inject her with it but she grabbed it from his hand and with what little strength she had, she tossed it onto some rock and the glass broke open and the entire liquid seeped into the mud. No. She didn't want that liquid to ran in her body ever again. She had lost so many children this way. Every time, saving herself, and letting them die. What kind of a mother was she? She didn't know it back then, but she knew it now. And now, she wasn't about to save herself in the cost of her child's life. Never again. She preferred dying with it than trading its life for her own. But Levi's eyes widened. His heart raced. He caught her hand. His fingers clenched painfully tight around her wrist. She wanted to wince, but she could barely breathe.
"NO! Why?! Why, Nat?! WHY?!" He growled.
He caught her and shook her in his grasp. Dangerous silver eyes stared down at her and she could tell he was furious. He was furious and terrified. He could have saved her. He could have saved her. But she had taken that chance away from him. She had taken her life from his hands and she had tossed it away as if it meant nothing. As if she wanted to die. As if she wanted to leave him, and she wanted to escape him. As if the only escape from Levi was death. And maybe indeed it was.
She didn't speak. She didn't give him a direct answer. Instead she guided his hand down on her lower belly. That chunk of metal had stabbed her in the stomach, not her abdomen. And she had one small, little hope that maybe – just maybe she hadn't lost it. She pressed his warm, bloodstained palm down on her abdomen and his eyes widened. No. No, it couldn't be it. It couldn't be. It just couldn't. Not now. Not now.
He laced their fingers together. Both arms pressed down on her belly. The only touch he'd ever give to that precious little life inside of her. "No..." He shook his head. He refused to believe it. His eyes welled up with tears. "No... it can't be... you're... you're not-"
"I've... hurt you... so much... Levi," Even talking was tricky. But still, she was slipping away and she had to apologise before she did.
Her arm reached up shakily and she cupped his cheek and he shuddered. Nobody was ever going to cup his cheek like that. Nobody was ever going to love him as much as she had. Because he had hurt her so much, so many times, and she still stood by him. No one was ever going to do that. His hand reached up and supported her own on his face. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't lose her, and then go back to Furlan and Isabel. They'd ask where their mom was. They'd ask. What was he going to say? What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to raise them on his own? He could not do anything on his own. He couldn't do anything without her. He had spent his entire life by her side. He couldn't lose her now. He couldn't.
"I'm so sorry..." Nathalie's cheeks were drenched in tears as she wiped away his own with her gentle thumb. She regretted it all. God- she should have never come into this battlefield. She should have just taken that truck and returned back to her babies. She should have stood back. But Levi hated her now, right? He still thought she didn't love him... right? Her heart broke all over again. No. She had to make this right before she'd leave. "...I love you so much, Levi..." She stroked his cheek gently, and he towered over her, to shield her from the rain that started getting loud and thunderous again. "...I love you so much... I've hurt you so much... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." Her head started to roll back and her hand landed back down and away from his cheek, and that's where he panicked even more.
"Nat! Nat, look at me..." He cupped her face. He pressed his forehead against her own and he searched for her eyes. "...you need to stay alive. You need to stay with me... we need to raise our little brats... we have so much to do, please... you need to watch them grow... you and I... together, please... please, I'm hopeless without you... I can't do anything without you," He was desperate. His tears spilled down on her cheeks.
Her eyes met his own at last. "Tell them... tell them their mommy loves them... I love them so much... tell them I'm so sorry... I'm not going to be there with them..." She wept. Her tears were countless. The pain from the thought of leaving them, it hurt so much more than her wounds right now. Oh God- she was leaving it all behind. Her babies. Her squad. Her husband. Her friends. She didn't even know whether they were alive. "I- I'll watch over them all and you... you're going... to love them... enough for the... both of us,"
"I can't," Levi wiped her tears and pressed a kiss on her forehead. He held her tight against him. He knew this was the last time he was holding her. The last time those bright blue eyes were staring back at his own. "You're the source of my love... you're my everything, Nat... I can't raise them without you,"
"Yes... yes, you... you can," She caught his hand in her own, shakily supporting it on her face as she looked up at him, at those silver eyes that she so much adored. They were now filled with tears, and so were her own. "Please... please... kiss me, Levi..." She pleaded even though she knew he wouldn't. She knew he hated her. She knew he didn't love her because he had hurt her. But she needed him to kiss her. She needed his taste on her tongue, his lips on her own because she loved him. She loved the nights he'd hold her. She loved the day of their wedding. The mornings she'd wake up to his kisses. The time she'd rest her head back on his shoulder, his arms around her. How wonderful he looked when he tucked Isabel and Furlan to sleep. Once more. Please just once more. "Please, kiss me... one last time,"
One last time. No. This couldn't be the last. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to apologise. He had a million things he wanted to say. But there was no time. No time at all. So, he leaned down and he kissed her. He tasted her blood on her tongue. She responded weakly in the kiss.
Until she stopped responding.
And with that final kiss, her lips stopped moving against his own. Her head rolled back on his hand and her eyes fixated in the sky. Her skin turned pale, and she stopped breathing. And Levi... Levi panicked. Levi checked her pulse and he waited and waited. He waited. It never came. No steady little beat beneath her skin. Or at least, he couldn't sense it. His head was spinning, and he felt numb, and he felt his tears streaming down his cheeks like a neverending waterfall. He cupped her face.
"No... No, I... I didn't get to apologise," He hadn't apologised yet. He hadn't told her how sorry he was for using her. For hurting her. For abusing her. For forcing her to do things she didn't want to. He hadn't told her yet. He hadn't told her anything. He hadn't apologised. He brought her closer to him and he wept burying his face in her neck. He kept it brief though. He had to catch up to her. "You don't get to break my heart and then die... you don't get to die before I apologise... you don't get to die thinking that I don't love you!"
He couldn't believe what he was doing. He did not question his actions. He caught one of the daggers that he had left, and he did it fast. He split his wrists open. The blood came gushing down his hands. An Ackerman can't die of blood-loss, they said. Not unless he wants to. He added to it. And he wasn't about to live a life without her. And he had seen Armin and Annie being alive and well. He had seen the airplanes that came and brought the reinforcements of the enemy. And he had heard Historia saying that the twenty-five Nations that had sided with them had sent reinforcements as well. And he had watched Marley go down and surrender. And that was why the bombs had stopped dropping.
And that was why Furlan and Isabel were going to live free now. Their parents had fought. They had fought too much for that freedom and they'd do it all over again if it meant that their babies were going to live and grow up, having everything that Levi and Nathalie didn't have whilst growing up themselves. Armin had promised he and Annie would take care of them.
"Hang in there..." He cooed down to her. "...I'm coming with you,"
So, Levi lied down. He lied down beside her in the mud. In the burning battlefield filled with debris and small fires and bleeding, rotting corpses. He lied down and he brought her limp body close to him. He was bleeding from multiple bullet-wounds as well. It wasn't going to take long to join her. So, he held her close. A cold, limp body. He buried his face in her neck and he closed his eyes. His arms, tight around her, but his hold loosened soon after.
And this is how Armin found them. Curled close in each other's arms, lying down on the muddy soil, in the midst of all the other corpses. They had been looking for them. They had been looking for their Captain and their Lieutenant. The two people who had raised them ever since they joined the Survey Corps.
And when Armin saw them, he fell on his knees right beside them and shot up the smoke signal, and soon everybody joined. His eyes, wide and tears, spiling down his cheeks. Mikasa, Historia were screaming. Eren and Jean pulled them both in their arms and checked on their pulses again and again and cursed loudly, because in the frenzy of this all, the searching, the realisation, they could sense no pulse beneath their necks, their wrists.
Connie and Sasha collapsed and brought Nathalie in his arms and they held her tight and screamed her name and begged her to wake up, to move, to open her eyes. Reiner knelt beside them and cried with them. Hange showed up with a missing eye, and Moblit beside her, both injured, both fell on their knees and held the kids and tried to ease down their crying and sobbing even though they couldn't ease their own. Annie held Armin and he told her about his promise to Captain Levi and she nodded wholeheartedly.
And when Hange checked their pulses again, she waited, and she waited with patience. Her eyes widened for a moment before she looked up at them all. "We take them to the freaking Burgesses NOW!"