"Frank?"
I look up at the nurse motioning for me to comer over. Gerard sends me a smile, and nudges me to get up. I walk over, eyes trained on my feet.
"Yeah?"
"Your mom dropped this letter off for you."
My breathing stops.
"W-what?"
"Your mom mailed this to us for you."
I grab it slowly from her outstretched hands, and when it's firmly in mine, I want to drop it on the floor as if it was covered in poison. The nurse turns around and walks out of the room. I return to my seat next to Gerard.
"What is it?", he asks.
"My mom sent me a letter."
*
"T-That's great!", he says, kissing me on the cheek.
But after a few seconds of my silence, he adds, "Right?"
"I'm only getting better because you're here."
"That's not true. You've been participating in group, and you've been talking to the doctors more, too. And you take your meds, and the voices haven't been attacking you for a while. That's the definition of getting better here."
"You don't understand though, I can't go back there. I can't go back to the house Tom died in, I can't go back to the house I almost died in, and I can't go back to the person who gave up on me in the first place. I just can't, it'll be too much."
I bite my lips, trying to subside the urge to cry. I don't want to cry infront of Gerard, not right now, not when he sees me as this strong person who's capable of recovering.
"It's not a right away thing. They're not discharging you right away. They're just saying that if this continues, you can leave."
"I don't...I don't want to."
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't want to risk it, and...and I don't want to leave you. I won't be able to handle it, no matter how much medication and therapy they give me."
Gerard sighs, sitting down next to me, setting an arm around my shoulder. He takes the letter that's clutched in my hand, a little crumpled from my grasp, and sets it down on the floor.
"You'll get better, I know you will. You weren't born with this, ok? You suffered a lot of shit and trauma, and that's why you are the way you are right now. But they're helping you, as much as I hate them, they're doing a good job. You have a good therapist, Dr. Urie, and he's definitley better than the other one. Plus he finally got them to switch your meds, and they're finally working too.
And, I wasn't going to tell you this yet, but they're thinking about discharing me soon. Like a lot sooner than -"
I look up at him with worried eyes. I'm happy for him, I really am, he shouldn't be locked up here, but I'm so scared of being left alone. I'm so scared of being here without him.
I start panicking, drawing in quick breaths. He rubs my shoudler, trying to calm me down.
"Frankie, it's ok. I'm not leaving you, ok? I promise I won't do that, and I wouldn't want to either. It's just, they can't keep me here any longer. But I've been thinking about this for a while, and we were bound to leave this place sooner or later, and I've been talking to this old friend of mine who's willing to give me a job at his record store-"
"You've been talking to a friend?"
"Yeah, his names Ray, and I didn't want to tell you yet because of the next part. He said he's willing to give me a place to stay, and a job until I can get a place of my own. His dad owns this apartment complex and he can give me really low deals, which means it'll only take me a few months before I can get out on my own. And I was going to ask you if you wanted...to move in with me after they discharge you. I was going to wait until they told you when they were thinking about letting you out."
I let out more heavy breaths because this is a lot to take in.
"You're asking me to move in with you before they've even let us out?"
"Well, they told me that...that they were going to discharge me in a few weeks."
I feel like throwing up. Even though they said I was getting better, they said it will probably still be months before they could even consider discharge dates, that means I'll be here alone.
"What date?"
"Well they...haven't exactly told me when -"
"Gerard, please."
He sighs, "The thursday three weeks from now. The eightteenth. But I'll come and see you all the time, I promise I will, and as soon as you get discharged, you can move in with me, and I'll take care of you. This isn't the end."
"I don't think I can do it without you.", and this time, I let the tears fall.
"You have to, Frankie. You have to get better, so that they can discharge you. Don't do this for me, but just use us as a little encouragement."
"I'm scared."
"I know, me too. But I love you, and I have faith in you, and I know you'll get better, and I'll be here for you."
"Ok."
*
The days leading up to Gerard's discharge is fast and confusing. I ask Dr. Urie if we can have more sessions, and he agrees happily. I haven't had an attack for a while, but I feel like it's creeping up on me, ready to pounce on me any second.
"Now Frank, I know you're scared about being on your own for a while, but I've been talking to Gerard, and he says he'll be visiting alot and...he's a good kid."
"You're not going to tell anyone about what's going on between us? I'm sure you know."
He chuckles, "I'm not. You make each other happy, and although we're not alowed to let pateints meet outside of here, I can't really stop you guys and I don't want to either. It'll be hard, but I think you guys will work."
I smile at him, and he does the same.
"Ok, sessions over. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Thanks, Dr. Urie."
Dr. Urie came in the week after my old doctor was fired. Apparently he was giving patience more drugs, or non prescribed drugs to them for money. I'm glad he was let go, I really hated that guy. But then in came Brendon Urie, and he's seriously one of the greatest person ever. He cares, I can tell he really does. He listens, and he doesn't jump to conclusions, and he's just great. He's the main part of my fast recovery.
I walk out of the room, closing the door gently behind me, and Gerard's leaning against the wall next to the door. His face lights up as he sees me and it feels like there's a million butterflies in my stomach.
"Hey.", he says, beaming.
We walk to the room silently, and it's not until our door closes that he's pushing me up against it. His lips trail down my jaw, and then to my neck, making my breathing go heavy.
"I missed you.", he purrs.
"It was only forty five minutes."
"Yeah, but I missed you."
"You're gonna miss me a lot more then, when you're gone."
I didn't mean to sound so upset, and I was hoping he didn't notice, but of course, he did. He stops the kissing, and let's out a heavy sigh. His warm breath tickles my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. All of a sudden, the rooms too small for me to breathe, and I'm starting to choke on my own breath.
"Frank?"
He looks up, noting my obvious distress. He takes my hand and leads me over to the bed. I sit down, setting both my hands on my knees. I try to regulate my breathing, but nothing helps. I'm having a panic attack, and my shaking hands shake my legs.
"W-what's wrong? Did I do something? I'm sorry. I didn't meant to push you, I know you don't like too much touching."
"No, I don't...I don't know what's...what's wrong.", I say through gasps.
I draw my legs close to my body. There's nothing I can do about panic attacks except for to just wait it out. After a few minutes, that felt like hours, my breathing levels out. My entire body finally relaxes. The air is tense and silent until Gerard speaks.
"Did I do something wrong? Was it the kissing? I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I know we've done it before, but...I'm sorry."
I look up and see that he's silently crying.
"No, it's not that. I've just been freaking out about you leaving. I'm scared.", I say as quietly as I can.
I lay my head down on his shoulder, silent tears falling onto his t shirt. I don't know how long I'm going to be here, how long I'm going to be away from Gerard. Will he even want to come back to a place like this, even if it is to visit me?
"Frank, please listen to me, ok? I'm not leaving you. Yes, physically, I'll be gone, but I'm going to visit all the time, and as soon as you get discharged, you're moving in with me. I love you."
"But you'll be out there, and I'll be in here, and I don't know how long I'll be in here, and I can't ask you to wait forever. You'll meet people, you'll make new friends, maybe even meet a new boy, or girl, who'll give you more things than I can."
"No, I don't want them, I want you."
"You don't know that. You'll meet someone, and you'll forget all about me. You've been cooped up here too long."
"Frank, I want to tell you something, ok, and I don't want you to say anything until I'm completely finished."
I nod, noting how serious his face became. He takes a shaky breathe, and pulls away slightly, awkwardly adjusting his body so that it was facing me, however, he doesn't meet my eyes.
"I told you how I never told anyone about what my dad did to me, right? Well the guy I was dating a while back...I told him. We'd been dating for a year, I thought he was my soul mate. I was convinced we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but then...he just left. I told him, and he was disgusted with me. This was a few weeks after we had...sex, for the first time. It wasn't the first time for me," his voice breaks a little, but he just continues on, "but it was the first for him. He couldn't even look at me. He broke up with me on the spot, and a few days later...I got...raped by his friend behind the school."
My jaw drops, "W-what?"
"Yeah. He was mad that I took his virginity, and that he had sex with someone used, and disgusting. I didn't think I'd ever be ok after that. I mean, how many times can a person be sexually violated before they just completely break? But that's not the point.
My point is, no one could touch me. No one could speak to me. No one could even wave at me without me flinching, or wanting to scream, or throwing up. But you, you come in here, and you're this amazing thing that I fall in live with the moment I see you. I never, for a second, thought that you were going to hurt me. And I just...sometimes you see someone, and you just know. I know, Frank. I'm not leaving you."
I smile, and lean up, kissing him gently on the lips.
"I know."