November 8, 2020, 2:07 AM
For the first time since September, I actually smiled tonight. I laughed so hard, my stomach ached. I didn't depend on vodka and cigarettes or a vape to get me by. For a minute, I was able to escape my demons and enjoy the little amount of serotonin I was receiving. More importantly, I was enjoying it with a friend of mine.
As we giggled about our little moment, I suddenly realized that this could be the start of a new leaf turning. It's a new chapter for me. Maybe it's time I embrace it. What will be, will simply be and I won't have to wonder about my worth.
I'll say this.
You do not want to be on the other end of this. Once I finally figure out where I belong and my worth, you are going to regret letting me go. You're going to miss the way I loved you. You're going to miss the way I took care of you, as you've told me no one else does it quite like I do. Or did.
I'm not bitter and I'm not carrying hate in my heart. Not to you or anyone else but, please understand that once I'm gone, I'm gone. And that's okay. Why?
Tonight is the first night I'm not crying myself to sleep. Tonight I'm not going to bed wondering why in the hell wasn't I enough. And could I even be?
Instead, I'm going to bed tonight completely satisfied in knowing that I've done everything I can do. I have loved. I have cared. I have been nothing short of loyal to you. And more importantly, I stayed when you left and put way more effort into something I truly believed was absolutely beautiful. I thought it was endgame.
But maybe, the game hasn't even started. Maybe in this next chapter of putting my best foot forward, I'll find my purpose.
Here's to letting go. Thanks for coming along on the ride.
I hope you enjoy it a lot more than I do.