Meredith woke up in bed alone. She had to work today, and so did Derek. She sat up in the bed and looked around the room. Derek was no where to be found. Maybe he got paged, she thought. She slowly threw her legs over the side of the bed and leisurely walked to the bathroom. The bathroom quickly filled with steam. The shower was hot when she climbed in. She didn't want to get out. The water felt really good as it ran down her sore hips. The minute she walked out of the shower she smelled food. She was starving. She threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater, and hurried down the stairs. Derek was standing in front of the stove making french toast. Izzie, Todd, George and Ian were all sitting happily at the table.
"You're cooking?" Meredith asked happily.
"Well, I was cooking for you. And then everyone else showed up." He said with a chuckle. She walked over, and he turned his head giving her a quick kiss.
"Good morning." She said softly.
"Good morning." He said as he kissed her again.
"Oh come on!" Ian spat as he gagged.
"So, let me get this straight." Todd started. "You two are together." He said pointing to Meredith and Derek.
"Yep." Meredith answered as she stirred her coffee.
"But you're married to him?" Todd asked, pointing to Ian.
"No." Meredith said happily. "Not married. Were married. Past tense."
"What?" Izzie said in shock as she whipped her head around.
"He signed." Meredith said with a smile.
"Seriously?" She asked Ian.
"When did this happen?" George asked, as he shoved a bite of french toast in his mouth.
"Yes." Ian confirmed. "I signed."
"The bastard signed them the first day he came to town. He has been living in this house just to torture me." Meredith said. "Thanks for that, honey." She said as she pinched him in the side.
"Hey!" He whined. She continued. "Stop." He said as he moved away.
"Oh quit whining." She said with a smile.
"You people are dysfunctional." Todd said with wide eyes.
"Yeah, we know." Meredith said nonchalantly. "So where is my breakfast?" She asked loudly.
"Hey! We were her first." Ian spat as he shot a glance at her.
"Yeah, well I lay on top of him naked every night. Me first." She said as she bit her lip.
"She has a point." Derek said with a smile, as he threw food on her plate. "So how are you feeling?" He said as he kissed her on the head, causing everyone to moan.
"I am great. I am going to get in on a good surgery today, and I'll be even better." She confidently said with a smile.
"I have a acoustic neuroma today." Derek said happily.
"I want that!" She said loudly.
"Hey, no fair!" George said. "I want it."
"Nope. You-pain in the ass. Me-orgasms. It's mine." She said. "So are you using the translabyrinthine, retromastoid, or subtemporal approach?"
"Most likely the translab." He said simply.
"How big is the vestibular schwannoma?" She asked.
"Fairly large." He said as he glanced at her. "So everyone, what instruments do we use?" He questioned, testing their knowledge.
"Mayfield pins, a kerrison ronger and a greenberg retractor!" She said quickly. Everyone else just shrugged.
"I am requesting you, Dr. Grey!" He told her.
"And I will accept!" Meredith reiterated.
"What are they talking about?" Todd asked as look of confusion spread all over his face.
"Brain surgery stuff." Izzie explained. "They are going to have the smartest kids!" She boasted.
"No they're not." Ian stated, causing everyone to look at him.
"Yes they are." Izzie argued. "Look at how smart they are."
"Maybe if they were having kids, but they're not." Ian said smugly. "Having kids."
"Who says?" Derek snapped his head around and asked with a stern voice.
"Mer hasn't told you..." Ian laughed he looked at her, she looked down at her food. "She's not having kids. She doesn't want kids. That's why she had that thing put in."
"What thing?" George asked. He immediately wished he hadn't.
"You don't want kids?" Derek said with a saddened face. Meredith didn't acknowledge his question.
"What thing?" Izzie asked.
"The thing." Ian said as he looked over at Meredith. "What is it?"
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it." She said as she ate her food. "My uterus is mine. I don't want to talk about it over breakfast." She snapped.
"Well, anyway, that is her worse nightmare. To get pregnant." Ian added. "She had the thing put in so she couldn't get pregnant. Besides the fact that she was taking home a different man every night."
"Getting pregnant with your child is the worst thing that could happen. We don't need another one of you in this world. Besides, it would be like giving birth to Rosemary's baby. The thing would have been poking me in the uterus with it's horns." She laughed, trying to take the attention off of her. "Imagine giving birth to that!" The comment made Ian's face drop.
"Well, it's probably for the best. I think we can all admit that you wouldn't be a good mother." He returned with an evil chuckle.
Meredith looked up at Ian, and the rest of the people in the room. Her bottom lip quivered. The comment stung. Usually, where Ian is concerned, she could take it. She had an abnormally thick skin. His comments rolled off of her like rain off a freshly waxed car. Not this time. Her fork made loud clang on the plate as she dropped it. She rushed out of the room as quickly as she could. Everyone followed her with their eyes.
"You're an ass!" Izzie seethed. She started to get up to chase after her.
"I got it." Derek said as he walked out of the room.
"No. I did it. I'll fix it." He said as he rushed out of the room.
Derek stopped walking a let Ian pass him. He wasn't sure what he could say anyhow. When he thought of Meredith, he thought of a family. He had always imagined their children running around his property. Their blue and green eyes, just like their parents. He was building the house for his family. He had never thought to ask her. He had always just assumed. Derek never wanted kids with Addison. He had buried himself in sea of work, to avoid the fact that he didn't love her the way he should have. Adding children to the mix would have been pure disaster. Now he was crushed. It was pretty clear that his dream had just flown out the nearest window.
Ian regretted what he said. But the comment she made, had hurt him. All his life, that is how it worked. You hurt me, I hurt you. So that's what he had done. He lashed out. He walked slowly up the stairs. Now was the big part, the apology. He wasn't used to, and didn't like doing that. Not to mention he had no idea how. The closer he made it to her room, the louder the whimpering got. He knocked lightly. She didn't answer. He just went in. No matter what she was doing, he was sure he had seen it many times before. He was saddened when he saw her figure lying on the bed. Her shoulders quivering. He quietly walked around the bed and knelt down in front of her.
"Mer..." He started, she closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"Just...don't." She whimpered as she turned her head.
"I should have never said anything. It was wrong." He explained to her as he rubbed her shoulder. She didn't acknowledge him. "When Izzie talked about you having kids with Derek, it bothered me. But I was jealous. The last two years we were together, I was thinking about it. Having children. But you were distant, for good reason. And what you said today, it hurt. I know that is no excuse. But that is how I am. I had to hurt you, because you hurt me. I didn't want kids when we got married. In fact, it scared me to death. But later, I would have done it in a second. It kills me that you dislike me so much. That you would say that you would never want to have my child. You and I are over, but the fact that you liken my possible children to satan, it hurt. What I said was stupid. I don't know what you want. Maybe you do what to have kids now. I think you would be a great mom. Maybe you don't know how to cook, or shop, or sew, or-" He received a glare from her. "Okay. My point is, you love Derek, and he loves you. And I think you have enough love in you to be a great mother. So. I am sorry, Mer. I should have thought before I said anything." He said softly as he brushed her tears away.
"I'm sorry too. I don't think your children would be Satan's spawn. I know you have a good heart." She said charismatically. She sat up on the bed and he gave her a warm hug.
"So, we're good?" He asked.
"We're good." She returned.
Meredith got her wish. Derek requested her for surgery. Now she was worried. She had a feeling that he was going to question her about the morning's events. She had spent the morning running tests, and hadn't had a chance to talk to him. She was just hoping the whole thing would disappear quickly. She sighed as she walked into the scrub room. Derek wasn't in there yet. She scrubbed her fingernails and hands. Just as she was rinsing, Derek walked in.
"Hey." He said with a blank look.
"Hey." She returned softly. She dropped her gaze to the floor. Anything but his eyes. She knew the minute their eyes met, he could read her like an open book. She quickly searched her mind for any subject to bring up. Dinner, no. That's too much like breakfast. Nothing to do with the kitchen. Or Izzie, Ian, Todd or George. No morning talk. Crap, you are running out of time. "So, I have Sunday off." She said quickly.
"Yeah, I saw that." He returned dryly. "You ready?"
"Uh huh." She returned, somewhat in shock. He brushed her off. He led the way into the OR with his arms up in standard fashion.
"It's a beautiful afternoon to save lives, let's have some fun..." He said. She could almost time it perfectly.
Meredith stood along side the table quietly. The tension could have been cut with a knife. She wasn't really sure why he was so angry. She thought he was okay, but evidently he wasn't. She watched as he began to make his first cut.
"Okay, Dr. Grey what are we going to be doing here today?" He asked her as he glanced up.
"We will be dissecting the tumor away from the facial and cochlear nerves." She explained.
"That was basic." He snapped at her lack of a better answer. She didn't answer. She wasn't going to fuel his obviously raging fire.
Derek grabbed the neuro-surgical drill and began removing the temporal bone. He was so focused on his work. Even when he was distracted, he could still stay focused. Meredith knew that was part of the reason he was so good.
"What are the possible complications?" He asked her.
"The internal auditory artery lies in proximity to the complex of vestibulocochlear and facial nerves and can be injured by the manipulations required to dissect and remove the acoustic tumor. Injury to this artery can result in infarction of the cochlear nerve with deafness. Hemostasis can be a problem, especially with large complex tumors." She said confidently.
"Good." He said quickly. "We will also have to monitor the effect on the facial nerve and around the vestibular nerve from which the tumor arises." Derek explained. "So do you want to talk about it?" He asked her quietly.
"Talk about what?" She asked, pretending she had no idea what he was talking about.
"You are kidding, right? This morning. The fact that I had to hear from your ex-husband that you don't want to have kids." He snapped. His anger and disappointment were evident in his voice.
"First of all, you are overreacting. And secondly, it is my body, Derek. You have no right." She warned with a glare shot his direction.
"It would have been nice for you to tell me." Derek added dryly.
"You assume everything. Let's not forget that you never asked." She scorned. "And you still haven't." She added.
"So do you? Do you want to have kids?" Derek asked as he glanced up, with a bit of hope in his eyes.
"I don't know." She said as she dropped her head.
"In other words, no." Derek said, nodding his head, and clenching his jaw.
"Damn-it Derek! I didn't day that." She retorted as she nervously wiggled around.
"It's either yes or no. It's cut and dry." He explained as he continued to work.
"No. It's not. I don't know." She said, getting increasingly irritated. "But if I had to make a choice-"
"Yes." He said with force. "You need to. You need to make a choice."
"Okay then. No. No, I don't want to have kids." She said angrily. "No kids."
"I see." He said, matching her tone. "I see..."
The rest of the surgery was slow. Meredith suffered through it. She could tell Derek was angry with her. She was angry with him too. He pushed her. She had to make the decision. She didn't want to. The scrub nurses and hospital staff could feel the tension. At the moment, OR two was a hostile environment. Meredith had no idea what was going to happen when the day was through. She didn't know where he would be sleeping. She couldn't take it. She never submitted. She avoided. But when she was there, on the front line, she did not submit. Finally she couldn't take it anymore. She spoke again.
"You have no right!" She spat, out of the blue.
"What?" He asked taken off-guard.
"It is my body. It is my decision. Maybe carrying around a baby for nine months and then raising it for the rest of it's life is not my idea of a good time. It's not just eighteen years. It's until I die. It's feeding, and diapers, and boyfriend and girlfriends. It worrying and sleepless nights. It's hoping that you don't screw it all up. It's one thing to screw up your own life. It's another to ruin the life of an innocent child. You are being selfish, and un-compassionate, Derek. You should have asked me right from the beginning of the relationship. If you are so hell bent on on having a freaking kid, maybe you should find someone else." She said angrily. He looked up at her in shock. Her glare was icy and cold.
"Not here." He returned sternly. "Okay, It is essential that the dura is closed water tight. We wouldn't want a cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak. We are going to use a fat graft here." He said.
"Not here? Not here? You started this. Fine. Whatever." She said as she stabbed him with her eyes.
Now she was wishing she hadn't said anything. She could tell that he was even more miffed. Now she had invited him to talk about it. She didn't want to now. She had said her piece. She didn't want to say it again. She wasn't even sure what she wanted. But now she had stated a case, even if it wasn't her own. When Derek was done closing, she quickly rushed into the scrub room, hoping to escape him. It wasn't successful.
"Monitor our patient." He told her.
"Okay." She replied.
She was shocked. He didn't say anything. She had expected an argument. There was nothing. She even looked at him several times. She didn't want a fight, but the silence was bizarre. He treated her like an intern. Like someone he didn't know. And that was worse than a fight. That made her feel like a nobody. She felt alienated. She felt alone. He walked out, leaving her standing there in her own silence.
Meredith sat down in a chair by Cristina. Neither of them spoke. They both knew not to mess with the other at the moment. Meredith couldn't believe the turn of the day's events. At this moment, she didn't care if she saw Derek again. She had never been so mad in her life. Then they both spoke at the same time.
"Burke's an ass." Cristina spat.
"Derek's an ass." Meredith said angrily.
"Wow. This is bizarre..." Cristina said quickly.
"So what did Burke do?" Meredith asked. Maybe hearing about someone else's problems would make her feel better.
"He wouldn't let me in on an aortic aneurysm." She said as she slumped in her chair.
"Ass!" Meredith said supportively.
"Do what did McDreamy so?" Cristina asked her.
"He thinks he owns my uterus. And my ovaries. He owns the whole package, evidently." Meredith shouted angrily.
"Ass!" Cristina replied.
"Thank you." Meredith answered. The both sat there, stewing in their respective dark places.
"So what are you going to do?" Cristina asked.
"Oh, I don't know. Kill him in his sleep." She said with a chuckle.
"Oh, can I help?" Cristina asked happily.
"You know it." Meredith replied. "I can't eat this shit." She said as she shoved her food away from her.
"Me neither." Cristina agreed. "Hey, do you want to go to Joe's tonight and get tanked?"
"Now that, sounds like a plan!" Meredith said happily.
Meredith looked in the distance. The figure walking toward her was familiar. She groaned as it got closer. Cristina looked over and saw Ian walking up. Meredith had told him he couldn't come to the hospital. Part of her was worried. Cristina's pager went off, and she excused herself. Meredith leaned back in her chair as Ian neared.
"Hey." He said as he walked up and sat down.
"Hey. What are you doing here?" Meredith asked quickly.
"I just came to say goodbye." Ian replied.
"Goodbye?" He asked. It hit her like a ton of bricks.
"I got an earlier flight. I have to be to the airport in an hour." He explained.
"You're- you're leaving?" She said with a quiet tone.
"I think I passed your deadline some time ago." He answered with a chuckle. "Yes, Mer. It's time for me to go home."
"I just- I wasn't expecting you to leave so soon." She returned sadly.
"It's time to move on. You should be happy. I gave you your divorce, and now I am leaving you alone." He said with a chuckle.
"I should be happy, but I'm not." She admitted. Her eyes started to well up.
"Oh, Mer. You will be fine." Ian insisted. She nodded. "I have to tell you something." He said as his face turned serious. "Once I tell you, you won't want to talk to me again. You will most likely hate me." He started. She looked at him with concern. "I-"
"No. Will it hurt me?" She asked. He nodded his head yes. "Will it change anything for me? Will it change my life right now?"
"No. But I need to get it off my chest." He said sadly.
"No. I don't want to know. I'm sure you had a reason for whatever it was. I am in a good place right now. At least I was. So, don't worry about it. Just forget it. I don't want a reason to hate you. We are finally okay." She explained.
"Mer-" He stated, she shook her head. "What do you mean, you were okay?"
"Derek and I, we- I don't know what is going to happen..." She whimpered.
"It's because of what I said this morning, isn't it?" Ian asked.
"Yeah. But that doesn't matter. It was bound to happen. I guess it's better sooner than later. Before we are too involved." Meredith explained.
"Look at me." He said. She did. "You and Derek will be fine. Don't give up." He told her. "I have to go. Don't want to be late." He said as he stood up. She also stood.
"Maybe we made a mistake. It was so much simpler before." She said softly.
"Life isn't meant to be simple, Mer. It's the stuff that you have to fight for that is worth it." He explained as he put his arms out. He pulled her into a hug.
"I'll miss you." She said into his chest.
"I will miss you too." Ian told her, as he took one last whiff of her hair.
"Oh dear God. Another one?" Ian's head shot up.
"Mother..." Meredith moaned.
"So, who is this? Shepherd is out already?" Ellis snapped.
"Mother this is-" Meredith started reluctantly. She did not want to tell her. Ian stuck his hand out.
"Ian Atherton. You must be Ellis Grey. I was friends with Meredith when she went to Oxford." Ian said simply. Meredith looked at him in shock. "I am going to be late. It was nice to meet you." Ian said as he nodded and walked away.
"So-" Ellis started.
"I have to go." Meredith spat as she walked away, leaving Ellis standing there.
Meredith couldn't believe it. It hurt. She had always been so hard on him. They were hard on each other. He had really proven himself today. He could have smeared it in her face. He could have told Ellis everything. But he didn't. Ian and Meredith both knew they would never see each other again. It broke her heart. When she left Ian in Great Britain, she was angry. She was relieved. But now, after seeing him for who he could be, she was sad. She was truly going to miss him.
Meredith felt down the rest of the day. She hadn't seen Derek. And she didn't want to. She was actually looking forward to Joe's. She was looking forward to dulling the pain of life with tequila. Of course, Cristina made up with Burke, and now she was going alone. But she could handle that. She had done it many times before.
"What's going on?" Drew asked as Meredith walked down the hospital corridor.
"I am going to Joe's. I am going to get drunk. Polluted. Trashed. Tanked. Want to join me?" Meredith asked happily.
"Don't mind if I do." Drew said as he hooked her arm and they marched down the hallway. "So why do you feel the need to drink?"
"Life is shit. I am fairly sure I have fucked it all up." She said frankly.
"Everything will be fine." Drew said.
"Sure." Meredith said unconvinced.
They walked across the busy road. Meredith heard the familiar ding as the door opened. It was busy. But not too busy. Just perfect. They walked over to a table in the corner and sat down.
"What do you want?" Drew asked.
"Tequila." Meredith said flatly. "A never ending tequila fountain, and a shot glass."
Drew kept making trips to the bar. None of her friends came in. Of course, a night when she wasn't there with Derek, no one comes in. And Cristina ditched her. At least I have Drew, she thought. Meredith was hell bent on ending the night in a deep coma. He didn't mind if he did the same thing. After countless shots they were both feeling pretty good.
"When are you leaving?" Meredith asked Drew.
"Tomorrow." He said sadly.
"Of course. Everyone leaves." She whimpered. "Do me a favor..."
"Anything for you, babe." Drew told her.
"Take you cousin with you." She spat.
"Oh, shit. What did he do?" Drew asked.
"He's an ass." She said, laughing heartily. The liquor was starting to take effect.
"He is an ass." Drew pointed out. "I think he was born an ass. He was probably born ass first. He seems to think everyone should kiss it." Meredith squealed with laughter.
"And he's stupid." She giggled. "A stupid, stupid ass."
"Yep, that's Derek. A brainless, stupid ass." Drew laughed.
"So what did he do?" Drew asked.
"He wants me to be a human incubator. I'm not doing it!" Meredith spat.
"I don't blame you. Stick it to the man! Girl power! Fight feminism!" He shouted loudly. She began laughing hysterically.
"This is why we get along." She laughed. "Whoa-" She said as she nearly fell of of her seat.
"I think you're good." He said, pulling her shot away from her. "Hey, what do you say we get out of here." He said with a smirk.
"And what would you like to do?" She said raising her brows. "Cause I am not going home."
"We'll figure something out. Let's go." He said as he pulled her along. "Joe called us a cab."
Derek didn't know what to do. This was the first time in a long time, he had no idea what to do. They had gotten so into their groove. They did things together. The slept next to each other. The ate dinner together. And now she wasn't around. Her car wasn't in the parking lot. He had searched the whole hospital for her. He had even paged her several times. He called her house, and her cell phones. She was avoiding. He knew he had to do something. He didn't want to lay down and let her mow him over, but at the same time, he wanted it to work. Part of him knew he was out of line, but the other part didn't care. So he was going to her house. He was going to lay next to her in bed, even if she didn't talk to him. At the end of the day, she was who he wanted to be with. She was the one he needed, even if she was the one he wanted to be the farthest away from. He slowly drove by her house. Her car wasn't there. No one was there. It was completely dark. He knew they kept the kitchen light on when they were home. He dropped his head and sped off. He was going to the last place he wanted to. He was going to the trailer. He was going to his home. He was going where the house, where he was planning on raising their children, was sitting, half built. Now the question was, did he just want to tear it all down?
Wow! So what are Meredith and Drew going to do? I can say one thing...lack of reviews baby Merew. Hahahaha. Try me! Seriously, let me know what you think about this. Derek wants kids and he's being selfish. And Meredith is pushing back just as hard as he is pushing her.