My name is Lauren Jauregui, I am 18 and am a part of Fifth Harmony.
Most people mistake me for a happy person. Sure, maybe some people think I am just quiet at times and am naturally somewhat an introvert. Wrong. Everyone thinks they know me but they don't. No one does. You see, I have a dark side. I know, I know, everyone has a dark side but mine is a little darker than your normal dark side, if that even makes sense.
I have never actually been happy. Sure, maybe I can be a goof at times and laugh like there is no tomorrow but that isn't what happiness is. Those moments are just moments when your mind finally takes a break and you can escape the confined walls you built up. It is just a moment where you can finally smile a real smile and act like any normal teen would. Then the blissful dream ends when your thoughts return and the smile on your face no longer remains to be the genuine one you had on just a short moment ago. Happiness, to me, is when you feel free from your thoughts and you feel as though you are light in that joyful high that can be so easily brought on by you yourself. I always feel so heavy with my troubles and my controlling mind. Happy people don't seem to depend on anyone for happiness because they know that to be happy you have to be content with yourself and make yourself happy. I, on the other hand, depend on everything else BUT myself to be happy. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I've never once felt normal.
Today has been an extra hard day. My mind has taken over me and my demons are screaming so loud that I cannot focus at all. The girls have had to constantly snap me out of my trance because I hadn't been focusing on what was happening around me. I am basically a walking zombie. I just go blank at times. I am just so drained. I feel so empty. I know that I am staring at a wall but I feel as though I am frozen. I can't think or move. I'm basically sleeping with my eyes open. My body feels so heavy today. It takes a lot of effort to lift my arm. Even a simple task like that drains me of my energy. So here I am, sitting in the corner of the my room, staring at the wall, not moving at all.
This has been happening all week but it hasn't been this bad. The girls keep bring me home and telling me to rest so that I can get better, but what they don't know is that I haven't slept for three days straight now. I'm a zombie by day and by night I am a wanderer. I walk all night throughout the streets, not knowing where I am or where I am going, but I always find my way back before dawn. I have become accustomed to the hollow feeling in my chest and my clouded mind. I can't feel, or think, or do anything. And I know that it will be getting much worse than this, I can feel it. I have reached my lowest low but it isn't helping that my demons keep reminding me that my lowest low will only get lower; and they're right.
I turn to look at the clock (it took a lot of effort to do that). It is currently 2:36 am. See? I'm such a zombie that while I was thinking about all of this six hours passed by! I got up and did what I've been doing these past few nights... I walked out the front door and wandered the streets.
I'm so tired and cold. I'm only in a pair of leggings and a black t-shirt. It's the beginning of December so temperatures have been getting lower every day. I'm freezing but I know it's not completely from the steady stream of wind blowing past me. I haven't been eating. The last time I ate was sometime last week. The lack of food and water is causing my body to get cold and tired easily. I wander thinking about it all.
I'm fat. I see it in the mirror. I physically can't feed myself anymore because it is a challenge that I don't have patience for because my energy drains too quick. I'm losing myself. I'm getting really bad and it's scary.
I cross my arms out in front of me. I feel my cold bracelets on my forearm. Running all the way up to my elbow are the stupid cuts and scars. Yes, I cut. And no, cutting doesn't make me an emo. I've been called an emo by some teenage boy before when he saw my cuts as he passed by me once. No one understand why I cut so I won't even try to explain. All I have to say is that physical pain helped distract me from my mental and emotional pain and it shut my demons up too. No more further discussion.
My mind clouds over and I can no longer reach out to the thoughts I was able to think about just a moment ago. I walk and walk until my feet bring me back to my front door. How'd I get here? How long had I been walking?
I walked inside and upstairs to my room. I checked the time and saw it was 6:30 am. Time to get up anyways. Another day, lets hope I can actually do something today.