Shortly after our engagement I started up going to see Matthew again. I felt like the stress of the wedding and my back in forth debate on whether I should invite my family or not really made it hard to function. It's been six months since he's proposed and we had lots to do still.
Matt has been incredibly helpful and I updated him on everything that had happened the past few months. To say he was shocked was an understatement. When I told him I faked my death to get away from a guy he was speechless. And when I followed up with the fact that I was now engaged to said person he almost choked on his on spit.
But he led me through my feelings graciously and helped me open up on the real feelings I was holding on to.
I realized that I was pushing him away because I was scared that he would leave me one day and so I left first. While I thought that I was scared of the press and his fans, and that did hold some truth, I really was just scared of loosing him.
He asked if I had opened up to Chris on what happened to my brother. I had not... And I wasn't sure if I was ready. I don't know if I ever will be. And he agreed, but Matt said that if I wanted to be able to fully trust Chris, if I wanted to not have emotional barriers between us I had to open up with him about this.
Matt explained that while we didn't have to share all of our childhood trauma with our partner, if it was something that would inhibit our emotional connection, there wasn't a choice. The loss of my brother was something I held on to for a long time and I needed to be able to share this with him so he could understand when I was hurting. And he was right.
So I decided that I needed to muster up the courage to open up. Even if that hurt. Because eventually one day it wouldn't hurt as bad. And one day if I break down crying from the memory of him, I'll have Chris by my side to hold my hand.
"Hey so should we go with the paisley or the silk tie?"
I look at Ronnie and give her an "are you kidding me?" look.
"Alright silk, cuz you want everything matching," she shakes her hands in a mocking tone.
"I want everything to flow."
"You want everything to flow but you went with green for the wedding instead of red, which that doesn't make sense."
"The ring is singular and deserves to stand out. Plus you already know I want Tuscany wedding vibes."
"You're lucky I love the olive green silk dresses for the bridesmaids."
I roll my eyes, "Please you already knew I was going to choose those colors regardless of the color of my ring."
"I know, I know. Okay so I was thinking for the bachelorette party we can go to Florida!"
"We're not going to Florida, that's tacky."
"It is not tacky! Are you kidding me! The Latin night clubs, the food, the beach, it's perfect!"
"I told you we're gonna have a spa day and then we'll order bubbly. Besides I already booked a suite at a hotel downtown."
"What? You did? What hotel?"
"Ronnie don't worry about it. I've got it covered."
"But I'm the maid of honor! I'm the one that should be planning that!"
"Okay you can plan the games, or gifts we do. You know I like to know what's going on."
"Fine, but we're gonna get drunk..."
"Sure whatever you say."
The front door opens and Dodger runs off the couch and to the door.
"Is daddy home Dodger?"
He barks back and I can hear his little pitter patter on the floor as he jumps up and down.
Chris walks in with a bouquet of flowers.
"It is daddy," he smirks.
"Shut up," I laugh and he comes over to give me a kiss.
He laughs as well and hands me the bouquet of peonies.
"Oooh pretty! Thanks babe!" I lean up to give him another kiss.
"You're very welcome," he grins.
"How was your workout with Donovan?"
"It was insane. He had me working with this other guy and he was huge. I thought he was going to tear me apart. But either than that it was good, I got a good sweat out of it"
"Aww well that's good, I'm glad you enjoyed your workout."
Chris was in the kitchen, probably making himself a salad, humming along to the music I have playing from my phone.
"How's the planning going?"
"Oh it's a blast, Liv's not letting me do anything," Ronnie answers.
"That is not true! I'm letting you help me with the decorations," I point out.
She laughs, "You're having me put candles in vases."
"And that's important! It's part of our centerpieces."
Ronnie rolls her eyes and Chris laughs.
"Hey it's progress, I'll take it," he replies.
Chris has his lunch and we finish up the decorations. We had a total of 8 tables and each table was going to have three different vases with candles. We were going to place greenery around the vases, but I was waiting until a few days before the wedding so the greenery would be fresh.
Ronnie had been bugging me to do red decorations so it would match my ring, but I've always dreamed of a Tuscany wedding. Chris offered to have the wedding in Tuscany but I felt like that was too much, and we settled with the green and white decor instead.
For the wedding planning Ronnie has been staying out here with me. Although I spend most of time here with Chris, I still have kept my own place. And since she stays over there I get to have some alone time with him at his place.
I had spent some hours talking on the phone with the baker and the florist making sure they got our order exactly how I wanted it. And when I was satisfied with their answer I was able to put the phone down.
"So what should we do for dinner?"
"Whatever you want babe," I lean over the couch and Chris is in the kitchen again.
"I was debating making some grilled chicken, but I also don't want to cook."
I laugh, "We can order in if you want."
"Yeah let's do that," he grins. "You want Thai?"
I begin to nod but he replies, "Why am I asking? Of course you want Thai."
He laughs and I roll my eyes.
"You know me so well."
He comes over to the couch and puts in the order.
"We should watch the Little Mermaid while we wait for the food to get here."
"Ooh yes!" he fist pumps the air. "You're not joking right?"
I laugh, "Of course I'm not joking, put it on silly."
He grins and puts the movie on. It's like he has Disney plus on speed dial.
I chuckle to myself from my own joke.
Chris always gets so excited to watch a Disney classic movie. Even more so if it's the Little Mermaid or the Sword in the Stone.
Half way through the movie the food arrived and like we usually do, I got up to answer the door. Rather not have people know where Chris lives.
The pad thai was as delicious as ever and as the movie was ending I was getting nervous.
"It's now or never," I whisper to myself. I don't want to chicken out of being honest.
"Chris?"
"Yeah babe?"
It's the closing scene and his eyes are still glued to the screen.
I wait for the movie to end for him to look over at me.
"What's up?" he grins.
"I need to talk."
He smile falls and his eyebrows furrow as he notices me fidgeting.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay, it's just. I need to be honest with you."
"Oh..." he scrunches his brows and looks back at me, "Are you having second thoughts? About the wedding?"
"What? No! No, of course not. It's just. You know how I've been going to see Matt? Well there's some feelings, memories, I've been dealing with. And Matt thought it would do me some good to talk about it with you."
"Oh okay, well what's going on?"
"It's kind of a long story..."
"I've got all the time in the world, let's hear it," he gives me a reassuring smile and holds my hand.
I adjust myself and take a deep breath.
"Okay remember I told you that I lost my brother when I was little?"
"Yeah..."
"Okay well my brother, he was about ten years older than me. I was 7 at the time and he was 17. He had a girlfriend, and she was nice enough, but they were always on and off again. She wasn't around much because my mom didn't like her. And they fought often, hence the on and off again. But he loved her, or so he thought, and she took advantage of that."
I can feel a knot tightening in my chest, but I can't stop now.
"He... really cared about her, and well one day she said she didn't want to see him anymore. They broke up. Again. He was obviously upset, and he would usually go to the basketball court to destress. We lived next door to the school so he would usually go there."
I can feel my eyes getting wet. I can feel the door slamming, and the pain from that night. My palms get sweaty and Chris holds on tight to my hands.
"I was coloring downstairs at the table when he ran down and my mom asked him where he was going. He just said he was going out, so I asked him if I could come, and he said no."
A tear went down my cheek and I stare at the ceiling as I continue.
"Since he said no I asked him if he could bring me something from the store, candy or whatever," I chuckle, "I actually don't even remember what I asked for, but he said sure whatever."
My face feels hot as the tears keep rolling down my face.
"He went to the store. It wasn't that far, maybe a fifteen minute drive, but he didn't come back. He was on the freeway-"
I choke. My hands shake.
"A truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and he crashed into three cars. My brother was the only one that- He was the only one that didn't make it."
I crouch over and take my hands from his and bury my face in them.
"He never would have been on the road if it weren't for me. He would walked next door, played a game of basketball, and would have come back. He would have been safe. He would have been here," I sob. My shoulders shake, my hands tingle and I loose my breath.
"Oh honey, no-"
"It's my fault-" I gasp.
I try to catch my breath but I just end up getting dizzy. I can't feel my hands. I can't see through my tears and my head is pounding.
"He should be here."
Chris pulls me in and squeezes me tight. I can feel his heart pounding along with mine and he whispers, "Breathe with me Olivia."
"Come on, in one two three, hold four five six, out seven eight nine. Let's start again."
After ten, fifteen minutes I manage to calm my breathing. My heads is still pounding, and my face feels itchy from the tears, but I can breathe.
"Honey listen to me."
I nod.
"It. Is. Not. Your fault. You were not the one who broke up with him. You were not the one who was driving the truck. You were not the one at fault here. Sometimes we're in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people. But none of what happened is your fault. Anything could have happened, and unfortunately your brother didn't make it. And as terrible, as sad as it is, it has nothing to do with you. You hear me?"
"Mhmm..."
"I know these kind of feelings don't just go away, but I hope you know that no matter what you can count on me. I'm here for you. There's nothing you can say or do, that will ever change that. You've got me through thick and thin. I love you Olivia."
I whisper as I fidget with his fingers, "Thank you, I love you too Chris."
He pulls me back in to hold me and I climb into his lap.
"Oh my little moon," he says as he pets my hair. "It's gonna be okay."
----------
Aww poor thing. Holding on to this must have been hard for her. What a lucky duck she's got Chris.
Thank you so much for making it this far and following along with their journey.
I know this may be a weird place to end, but I felt like it was important for Olivia to release this emotion and share it with Chris. She needed relief, and she needed to know that no matter what she felt Chris would be there for her. That she wouldn't be loosing another person in her life. And although this is the end of this story, it's not the end. I feel like in an alternate universe, this is all real, and I just managed to bring the words to life.
And if you're struggling with anxiety or grief please talk to someone. A trusted friend, a therapist, someone who can provide REAL comfort. Anxiety is real, it's difficult, but it can get better. It can get better with help, and I hope this little glimpse of Olivia's story helps you feel like you're not alone. And if anyone ever wants to talk, at any point in time, please feel free to reach out to me. I will always been ready to lend an ear.
Love you guys so much, and once again thank you!
Epilogue coming Friday!
Beijos