sᴏᴜʟғʟʏ✞
𝗜𝘂𝗱𝗼𝗿𝗮 𝗭𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗮 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗲
𝗝𝗮𝗻𝘂𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝟮𝟬𝟭𝟳
➪ 𝙱𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎, 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚢𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚍
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"It's been too long and I'm lost without you. What am I gonna do, said I been needing you wanting you." I sung lowly to myself. I had been talking to Nehemiah for some weeks now and honestly he was a great person to talk to.
I thought he would be stuck up and snobby, but he was quite the opposite. Outgoing, kind, and courageous. Everything he did, he did it with precise. He lived on the edge but wasn't too edgy. He knew how to control himself.
I liked that, a lot actually. I hadn't told Artimea about us talking, I hadn't even told lyric. I wanted it to be right. I wanted to know for sure that he was going to stick around before I introduced him to lyric formally.
I didn't want this to be a trial and he'd come around whenever he felt or popped up whenever. It had to be something consistent, especially with lyric. She was a kid and I didn't want her seeing men in and out of my life. I'd rather keep them private than get her too attached to them.
"Wondering if you're the same and who's been with you. Is your heart still mine?" I sung along, reading one of the letters Kylan had wrote to me.
I had been contemplating on if I should read them or not. I was curious on what he had wrote. Were they love letters or were they clues to something big like in those movies. I was getting impatient and opened one anyways.
A picture drop down and it was one of when we had went on our first date. We had to been no older than fifteen. He was broke and so was I. We had sat in his mama's backyard, made sandwiches, and talked all night. We didn't have to Pennie's to rub together but we made it work.
We was fifteen. What money would we even have.
This old ass picture, I had to beg Betty to even let me get it. She wasn't having it at all. Talkin' 'bout i was gone lose the picture. But you got it now, brought up some old memories I know it did with yo' intellectual ass.
Our first date, the first time I felt acted on the feelings I had for you. Though I knew you knew that I had feelings it was the first time I actually expressed them to you. Made me feel free and safe. Like I could be anything with you I could do anything with you. Made me feel so comfortable.
You had always made me feel that way but on our first date it was different. Shit was so more out in the open. I cant really explain it but you made me feel things I didn't know I could feel that night.
We made those nasty ass sandwiches you put relish and mayonnaise on top of cheese and only cheese. You were so strange man. But I liked that.
I was shy as hell, I felt nervous around you. Why? I didn't know. I had been around you since I was twelve so it was new for me. I remember when I asked you on the "date" and you were so confused and asked if I was joking.
I had been wanting to ask you when you first stood up for me in Ms. Winfields class and some girl called me dumb. You stood up so fast and came to my "rescue" like how I used to come for yours. You weren't afraid to speak your mind and how you felt. Still ain't.
You were so corny, shît was crazy. But I liked that about you. You were afraid to be yourself even when other niggas or bitches put you down for being different. You weren't too different from me though.
I laughed all night that night. One of the best in my life. I felt free and that was the day I realized that I would spend the rest of my life with you. You as a whole you were contagious and it was hard to not find a liking within you.
I was so confused when I had felt all those feelings at once shit was hard to deal with. I didn't know how to let them out or any of that. But you helped me. And I thank you for that.
This is only the first and there's more to come. I love you.
your lover, Kylan.
Feeling tears fall down my face, I let them fall instead of wiping them away. I had forgotten all about that date. I remember what I wore though but I never remembered that date exactly. I wore a baggy white tee shirt along with baggy overalls and my milkshake Cortez's.
My hair was dyed blue and I had it pressed,I looked a hot mess in the picture. He did as well, had his fresh fade he rocked along with some jeans, a polo shirt, and his milkshake Cortez's.
I swore up and die he copied off of me when I had first got them. Those were my favorite pair of shoes they practically went with anything I could find in my closet. Especially since we didn't have too much money back then.
I didn't have any type of worries or not a care in the world. I used to live life on edge. I wasn't a bad kid or anything I was just more free and wild. Free from all the bullshit and not having to take care of a kid.
I love lyric, she's my world plus more, I don't regret having her I just regret stopping my life all the way when I had her. I let people control my life, saying how I wouldn't be able to accomplish all I wanted in life. I hate that I put my life on hold.
Lyric she came before anything and anybody. Even myself.
I just wished I had a bigger support system than what I had. My friends they were there, yeah, but they had their own lives. Shit we were almost done with highschool. Some of them were going off to college and others had their own worries. I didn't want to project my problems onto anybody else.
Kylan was my number one supporter he's the one that convinced me to go to college. I had always wanted to go but I had lyric. That's all I had though. Was him and that was it. My mama and daddy we didn't always see eye to eye after I had lyric. They'd put me down and tell me how I wouldn't be shit.
I had more people wanting to see me fail then to see me do hood in my life after I had lyric and I believed them. Sometimes I still do.
"Hello." I picked up my phone, seeing that it was Nehemiah calling me.
"What you doin'?" He asked looking down at the camera as he rolled up.
"Reading a letter. What are you doing?" I asked back and he shook his head before saying "Not shit".
It was silent for a while, I didn't know what else to say. It just felt wrong that I was talking to him knowing I still love Kylan. That letter just reminded me how much I wasn't over him.
"Why you so dry today? What's wrong?" He asked.
"I'm thinking. I don't want to move fast Nehemiah. I'm still trying to figure things out for myself." I informed him and he nodded his head understanding what I was saying.
"That's cool. I don't want to move too fast either. Going at a fast pace with shit you want to work out never works out so I don't mind." He smiled, showing his braces.
I smiled back. He was just so hard not to like. He was genuine and always made me smile. Nehemiah is unapologetically him and I love that.
"You're very pretty you know that." He stated, blowing smoke out of his mouth and blushed looking away from the camera.
"Thank you." I said shyly.
"Where lyric at? She good? Y'all good?" He asked causing me to chuckle.
"She's at daycare and yes we're good." I assured him.
Nehemiah made sure to check on us. It was very comforting knowing I had somebody that's intimate in my life.
Made me feel good.
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hey!
hope all is well love bugs💗.
this has been sitting in my drafts since October. but it's all love though, hope the holidays were wonderful and school is going well!
xoxo jb