world without

6.4K 287 1.3K
By r11yh1sokA

You left it there and just walked out of the classroom, Erwin shouted Eren's name as you walked away but you continued anyway.

"Show me your arm Eren," Erwin demanded as the door closed behind you.

You walked down the steps with your bag over your shoulder and looked to the left before heading in that direction.

"Y/nnnnnnn! You left your laptop on your desk!" A classmate shouted at the top of the steps. You turned around and rushed back up that way, it must've slipped your mind when you were ignored by Eren.

You rushed back in and wanted to hurry and grab your laptop from your desk. You knew Eren and Erwin were discussing something and when you walked in, Eren and Erwin were the only ones in there.

Eren had his sleeves rolled up and Erwin was observing his forearm as you walked in.

"You can't keep increasing how much blood you donate like this, your skin is pale and it's isn't healthy. How much more have you been visiting?" Erwin asked as he leaned against his desk.

"Twice a day. I'm the only one who she knows with the same blood type. It doesn't bother me," Eren replied as you closed your laptop.

"Eren you can't-"

"I'll see you later," he pushed his sleeve back down and you turned and started walking back up the steps.

"Actually y/n, could you stay back for a moment?" Erwin asked as Eren was walking up the steps to you.

You nodded and walked back down, Eren still refused to acknowledge you. Eren walked out the door and shut it behind you whilst you stood in front of Erwin.

"I'm going to give you an address. I know you're curious and this will answer your questions. So please...this is the last time I ask something like this of you," he stated as he handed you a sticky note with a serious expression.

"This is a hospital," you muttered after looking at the sticky note.

"I know what it is. Now hurry," he insisted as he shooed you away.

———

There was a room number on the yellow sticky note you hadn't let go of since it was given to you. Erwin was right, you were curious. Honestly, your curiosity got the best of you sometimes because even this was crossing a line. You were on the third floor and started walking down the hall.

You started to regret showing up but maybe there was something there specifically for you to have or find out that Erwin wanted you to know. You found the room and put your hand on the doorknob before it was smacked off almost instantly.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"Erwin told me to come-"

"She has cystic fibrosis. You cannot share the same air with her or she will die." He explained as you turned the sticky note around.

Your heart skipped a beat as he said it so nonchalantly yet filled with so much concern.

"Cystic fibrosis doesn't require blood transf-"

"She also has a liver disease, which requires it. Why are you here?" He questioned as you stepped away from the door and stood in the empty hall of the saddening hospital.

The floors were white tile and light blue walls, he stood in front of you with his eyebrows furrowed at you as he waited for your reply.

"Erwin told me to come here. All he did was put the address on the sticky note. I didn't know..." you explained.

He sighed and shook his head before turning his body again and looking at his mother through the glass.

"Leave." He demanded with his hands in his pocket.

"Fine but can you at least tell me why you randomly ignored me-?"

"Because while we were out playing in the rain like children. Her lungs were failing...don't think we're friends or anything now because all you did was remind me how much I hate the rain. Now leave," he demanded again; yet again back to avoiding eye contact with you.

"I didn't-"

"Why are you in my business anyway? You've got you're own lying friends and fucked up parents to worry about."

"You always feel the need to take it too far. What in your brain makes you think that's okay to say to someone? I hate how you throw it in my face."

He ignored you again, just staring through the glass yet you felt like you weren't allowed to be angry with him. Hands placed in the pockets of his jacket, he was only a couple steps away from you but he felt farther than just a couple steps.

"Take this," you had a Twinkie in your hand that you brought with you after hearing that his blood sugar was low again from Erwin.

"Stop giving me shit. We don't need to know each other as anything except the girl my best friend dated in high school. That's all you are,"

"I'm more than that, you dick," you threw the Twinkie at his shoulder and turned around feeling a bit tense.

You rushed back down the hall and headed for where your car was parked on the first floor. You headed straight back to the dorms so you could shower and go to sleep with ease.

You perked up off the couch and rushed to get in the shower. Thankfully you hadn't caught a cold from earlier this week and it wasn't that cold outside. All too fast, he took you home and you thought it was an offering of maybe a blossoming friendship?

You were an idiot, you knew better than anyone not to get your hopes up because it was bound to fail. Everything was too fast for you, he was too fast especially.

As you were pulling a hoodie over your tank top you stared at yourself. You couldn't help but think about how Eren always knew exactly what to say that he knew would hurt the most.

Here you were, staring in the mirror...looking at yourself but unable to comprehend your face. You stared at somebody you didn't understand, you could very well recognize but trying to understand yourself was tough.

Why didn't you cry when she hit you? Why did you stop her or move out the way? Was it your fault?

Maybe you really should try harder.

Observing yourself, trying to find more things to pick at yourself about. Trying to love the things you hated with a deep passion about yourself.

You hated how when you got really excited about something, you'd talk really fast...too fast for anyone to understand. You hated how your face looked puffy in the morning or how you walked.

Most of all, you hated how dependent you were on people. When you found something you liked about a person you would cling to them. Until recently, you discovered that if you pushed the person away; it would be easier on you when that person left your life.

You rubbed your cheek even though nothing was there, you could still feel the burning feeling from her bare hand hitting your face. You wanted a drink, you got really excited with the idea of treating yourself to a frozen latte so you put on your slippers and grabbed your keys on the way out of the bathroom.

The highlight of your day was this moment. Getting happy about something like this after having such a shitty day, you walked yourself to the on-campus cafe and ordered a frozen latte.

You stood by the tables until your name was called, you grabbed the drink and walked out of the cafe as you slurped the frozen drink through the straw. It was sweet but the perfect amount of sweetness so not too much.

You kept walking down the sidewalk with a soft smile on your face and staring at the plastic cup that you held with both of your hands.

"Treating yourself? Why?" A stern voice blurted loudly from the right side of you.

"Oh. I made a one hundred on my philosophy test! I thought you were coming back in a month?" You turned at the sound of your mother's voice that you would never be used to hearing so loudly.

"And what about your other classes?"

"I haven't had any test for my other ones yet." You responded as you walked over to her car where she was standing.

"Liar. I went through this with your sister so I know all your little tricks!"

"I'm not lying. I didn't have any test-" she grabbed your wrist tightly and pulled your arm down a bit so she could whisper into your ear harshly.

"You're hurting my wri-"

"Don't disappoint me again. All 100's from this moment forward, understood?" She whispered directly into your ear, applying more force to your wrist with her nails.

"I understand," you yanked your arm back and she left scratches on your wrist from gripping you so tightly that you were bleeding.

"You think I'll let you end up like your sister? I won't. You will not make anything lower than a 100 and that is final. Give me this," she never knew when to stop.

She knocked the drink out of your hand again; just because she could. She walked around her car and her heels clacked against the parking lot concrete, she swung her car door open and drove off just as quickly as she came.

Uncontrollable.

You had no control over the tears that ran down your face as you stared at your spilled drink on the ground. You leaned down and tried rubbing away your tears but you truly just happened to be letting it all out in the parking lot.

Odd that the drink is what triggered it. Not the blood running down your wrist from her nails or the fear you felt when you saw her. The damn frozen latte is what did it for you and you couldn't help but sob.

"Hey...you're not supposed to cry over spilled milk," Connie came up from the side and crouched down with you, placing his hand on your back and rubbing it slowly.

You titled your head onto his shoulder and he sat there with you for a moment as you cried. You were exhausted, exhausted of having your personal flaws thrown into your face, exhausted of trying so hard all the time...just tired.

"Come on," he nudged you and pointed to his truck.

He held your shoulder as he walked you over to the pickup truck that he loved so dearly even though it wasn't drivable. You sat in the passenger seat and he sat next to you in the driver's.

"Go on. Let it out, I'm here if you wanna talk," he insisted softly.

You turned your head to look out the window so he couldn't see your face as the tears just kept rolling down your cheeks. You couldn't stop yourself, you were just so tired even crying became a hassle for you.

You were lost how to express how you were feeling other than "drained" emotionally and physically, he didn't mind though. Connie was one of those people whose all they needed to do was sit with you.

"Do you want another frozen latte?"

You nodded while wiping your face with the sleeves of your sweatshirt.

"I'll be back," he got out of the car and shut it behind him, you saw him walking toward the cafe and you smiled; he was so kind to you and now of all times you decided to appreciate that.

Kindness. Definitely an underrated form of communication in your opinion, especially in your circumstances where kindness was rare growing up.

You hated how much your mother compared you to your older sister. Your older sister dropped out after one semester and Gwen's completely off the grid from your parents. You didn't blame her, you were a freshman when she left and how often she got hit for a 99% in school was a good enough reason to leave.

After that, your parents thought that meant they're event strict enough with her so then they started to get even stricter with you in hopes that you would do "better" than her.

As you were sitting there with your knees up to your chest, you recalled one time where you came home with a 60%. The only 60 you'd ever gotten in your entire life, it was for a college class you were taking in high school.

You and your sister walked home together that afternoon, when you weren't looking she switched your papers and wrote her name on top of yours.

All you remember is the sounds of her sobs from her room after she argued loudly with your parents. She'd done everything she could to shield you from them, now it was your turn to obey everything they said. You knew they hit her that evening she showed them the 60, how did you know?

Because the next day her room was completely empty and she left you a text message to explain it. You didn't blame her and you never would. Instead, you blamed yourself. Maybe if you caught her as she erased your name and out hers, things would have been different.

You saw Connie walking back with the drink and straw in his hand, you got out of his car to walk to the other side and grab it.

"You okay-"

"Yeah," you mutter as he hands you the drink.

"You sure?"

"Thank you, Connie, "You wrapped your arms around him and hugged him with the drink in your hand.

"Of course, I'll always be here!" He smiled as you got off him and he let you go on your way.

You wiped your face with your sleeve as you walked along the sidewalk with the drink in your left hand. The hospital wasn't far so it should've been expected to run into Eren, you were drying your eyes and made eye contact with Eren as he looked like he just got out of his car.

He glanced at you, you were very visibly sad but he didn't say anything about it. You walked a bit faster and avoided any further contact with him on your way to your dorm.

You shut your door behind you and shuffled off to your bedroom where you just went back to sleep again.

As you slept you realized you also had to consider what Eren was going through. Whether the two of you talked about your problems or not, was not of significance, you knew a big part of his life was currently in the hospital. He probably was under a lot of stress in general, on top of school he was bound to be this emotionally undependable. Not that that was an excuse for him to treat you like shit but you were better off just remaining as a mutual benefit off of studying, nothing more.

You were too tired to get up and do something so you fell back asleep, you woke up once or twice but yet again you didn't have the energy to move.

EREN POV:

"Come on man. You've been in there for five hours," Jean knocked on my door as I was laying on my bed.

"Busy," I groaned while rolling over.

"Maybe you're so depressed because you never leave your room,"

"No, I just don't want to leave my room. There is a difference," I replied while yawning.

"Fine. I give up," I heard the sounds of him walking away from the door, then I heard the front door open.

Truth was, I just hated being out in the living room when he was at the dorm because he'd always start doing something that made a lot of noise. When I heard the door close I got up while scratching my head and walked over to the couch.

I plopped down on the couch and grabbed the box of Frosted Flakes off the coffee table while starting a movie. Thirty minutes in, someone swung the door open causing me to turn my head.

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Jean texted me telling me to come over to hang out with you," Hitch blurted as she stood at the door.

"Get out,"

"Why? Jean said you were sad so-"

"Because I don't like you. Let me eat my cereal in peace, "I dismissed as I focused back on the tv.

"Being an asshole all the time won't get you anywhere."

"I don't want to go anywhere so it's a good thing I'm an asshole then, isn't it?"

She rolled her eyes with a sigh and closed the door behind her as she walked back out.  Since people didn't know how to knock any more, I got up to grab a jacket from my room.

I put the cereal box down and grabbed my jacket, I heard the door opening again and I now regret not locking it after Hitch left.

"Jean?" A softer voice than Hitch's called out.

I turned my head as I slipped the jacket on and saw Ashley slowly entering while looking for Jean.

"He's not here. He left like an hour ago,"

"Oh. Do you know where he went? Or if he'll be back?"

"What time is it?" I asked while shutting my bedroom door behind me and approaching her.

"It's 10,"

"He'll be back in two hours then. He went to a party," I informed as she stood there.

"A party?! With who?"

"Himself obviously-"

"No, I mean like with what girls?"  She asked again.

"Not my business," I responded with a straight face.

"Go with me then. You know where he's at, right?"

"I do but I'm not helping you out, figure it out yourself-"

"Pleaseeeeeeeee! What do you want in return?" She begged annoyingly.

"Buy me a cupcake," I demanded after a moment of thinking, I got an idea.

"Deal. So you'll come with me?"

"Yeah. Let's go,"

Y/N POV:

"Y/n did you eat dinner?" Mikasa asked from behind the door around 10:30 PM.

"I had a frozen latte," you replied back while pulling the cover over your shoulder.

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really,"

"Okay well I have to leave early in the morning so I'll leave you some breakfast. I'll put it inside the microwave and then we can hang out later," she informed before heading off to bed.

You rolled over and turned your lamp off to go to sleep but there was a party happening below you. The music was loud and you started getting annoyed so you put your headphones on and fell asleep to the YouTube videos of thunder on loop so you could tune it out.

——

Here you were standing in the kitchen like a lost puppy because you forgot where Mikasa said she left your breakfast. You scratched your head and yawned as you checked the cabinets but then found the French toast in the microwave as she said.

You grabbed it and sat at the table while looking at your phone. Late. You were on the verge of being late to class, not enough time to eat breakfast AND shower so you ditched breakfast and put it in a ziplock bag for lunch.

You rushed to get dressed and snatched the breakfast lunch off the counter to shove it into your bag after getting ready. You quickly left and hurried to get to class, you made it just a minute before you would've been considered late.

You caught your breath and looked around the class for an open seat, you forgot that Erwin was pretty lenient so people were still walking and talking to others while he was preparing the lesson.

You sat closer to the front and plopped your bookbag on the ground before pulling out your laptop. When you turned your head after rummaging in your bookbag, you saw Eren with his back facing you as he was talking to someone.

You couldn't see his face, only his back view and you saw him reach into the pocket of the jacket he was wearing. He put his arm behind his back and he had something in his hand.

He had a black jacket on with black jeans, he still looked tired but seemed to be hiding it better than before.

You tried to observe it but before you could get a good glimpse, he placed the thing in his hand on your desk and started to walk back up the steps with the guy he was talking to.

You looked at it and saw a vanilla cupcake in a plastic container with a sticky note on top.

"Sorry"

The sticky note read. You grabbed it and turned your head to look at him, as he walked up the steps when you turned your head and he was staring forward with a little laugh at what the guy said.

He could feel you staring at him, he glanced back at you paired with a little smile that hid the tiredness in his face. Just like you thought, he was under more stress than usual and yesterday you just caught him off guard.

You felt your phone buzz as Eren sat down at his desk and you grabbed it and kept it under the desk.

Eren:
Library @ 4?

Just as you were about to reply, your phone died. You had YouTube on all night with your headphones and you couldn't charge and listen to music at the same time. You turned your head and nodded while looking at him.

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