Trigger warnings: Angst, fluff, depiction of depression, talk of depression, talk of medication, manic episode, self-doubt, low self-esteem/self-worth.
''I'm out of town right now with Jax, I'm gonna need you to go to her apartment and check on her for me.''
''I can't. I can't get in, I don't even know what apartment she's in, she's never let me into the building.''
''It's ok. The code for the front door is 7395, she's in 4B on the fourth floor. There's a key hidden under the loose tile under the welcome mat in front of her door. It has a little crack on top you can't miss it. Call me right after.''
Emma hadn't even finished talking that Ransom was already in his car, driving over to you. He hung up after promising to Emma he'd call her later. He parked in front of your building and rushed to the front door. He had tried to call you again from the car but still no answer. He typed in the code Emma had given him and he ran up the stairs all the way to the fourth floor. He didn't have the patience to wait for the elevator. Thank goodness he does cardio almost every day otherwise he would have passed out before he even got to your door.
He found your apartment at the end of the hall and knocked several times. After the fourth time, he looked under the mat and found the loose tile Emma was talking about. To his relief, the key was still under there.
He unlocked the door quickly and walked inside. It was dark even though it was the middle of the day, all the blinds were shut. As it was the first time he's ever been in your apartment, he wasn't sure where to look. It was such a small apartment that it didn't take him long to look around. Normally he would feel uncomfortable in such a small space, after all there was a reason why he was living in a giant house that had equally huge windows, but this apartment was so... you that he felt right at home. The decoration, the pictures hanging around, everything was perfectly fitted to your personality.
He looked into your room and when he didn't see you, he turned around but something told him he needed to look again. It was hard to see because it was so dark but he finally found you.
You were lying in bed, hidden under the covers. It didn't seem like you were moving and Ransom's heart was racing in his chest, his hands were shaking.
He walked over to you slowly. ''Baby?'' He called out to you softly.
You were on your stomach, your face directly on the mattress and your head turned to the side. Ransom almost cried when he saw that your eyes were opened and that you were blinking. His mind had been torturing him with horrible scenarios since the moment Emma had told him she hadn't heard from you either and he was relieved to find you awake.
He crouched down in front of you and tilted his head to the side to look at you. ''Baby, are you ok?'' He kept his voice as quiet as he could.
Your eyes moved to look into his and for a second he stopped breathing. Your eyes were... empty. The usual sparkle that's always in them, even when you're sad, is gone. It felt like you were looking through him more than at him. He took in a shaky breath. Something was definitely wrong.
''Talk to me, tell me what's wrong so that I can help you.''
You kept staring at him.
''Are you hurt?'' He tried to look at you to see if you had injured yourself. ''You need to talk to me otherwise I can't help you.'' He pleaded, his heart still racing.
''You can't help me.'' You finally spoke, barely above a whisper.
''I can try, please.'' He brought his shaky hand to your cheek and gently stroked it with his knuckles.
The gentle gesture made your heart clench and tears started falling down your cheeks and then on the mattress.
''If I tell you, you won't want me anymore.'' You whispered, looking away from his intense gaze.
''I promise that's not true.'' He quickly wiped your tears while holding back his own.
Ransom held your face with both of his hands and peppered soft kisses all over your face until you were ready to talk. At first the kisses only made you cry harder but once you calmed down, they gave you the little push you needed to tell him.
''I have depression.'' You finally admitted.
Ransom was surprised by your answer. ''But you've always been ok...'' He said, confused. ''There were days where you were more down than others but it never was like this.''
''That's because I had my meds.''
''Did you stop taking them?''
You nodded.
''Baby, why?'' He sounded so worried, it made you feel guilty and you were crying again.
''Because I ran out and I didn't have enough money to get my refill.''
He swore at that moment he heard his heart break. ''Why didn't you say something? I would have given you the money.'' He kneeled next to your bed and propped his chin on the mattress.
''Because I am not with you for your money.''
''I know that, but we are not talking about a movie ticket. It's your health. This is serious.''
''I'm sorry.'' You cried harder.
''Oh, no, no, no.'' He shook his head. ''You have nothing to be sorry about.'' He kissed your forehead. ''I'm going to take care of you.''
''You- You're not breaking up with me?'' You sounded shocked.
''Why on Earth would I do something stupid like that?''
''Because I'm broken.''
''You're not broken.'' He said, looking into your eyes. ''You're perfect. My perfect girl. We just need you to get you all better but there's nothing broken about you.'' He wiped away your tears.
You shook your head. ''You're going to leave. Everybody leaves.'' You turned around to face away from him. ''I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough.'' You whispered to yourself.
Ransom felt absolutely powerless, he didn't know what he should say or do. He has a feeling that you're too far into your own darkness to believe anything he says.
He took a minute to think, to try and figure out what to do. He sent a quick text to Emma to let her know what was happening but that he was taking care of it. Then he stood up and took off his shoes. He climbed on your bed and lay down behind you. He stayed on top of the covers and he wrapped an arm around you and pulled you to his chest until there was no more space between the two of you. He kept his arm wrapped tightly around you and kissed the back of your head.
''Here's what we're going to do: we're going to stay right here and I'm going to hold you until you're done crying, just let it all out. Then, we are going to get out of bed, take a shower and put you into some comfy clothes.''
''Ransom-'' You cried, but he cut you off.
''Baby, this isn't up for debate. I'll be right there with you every step of the way, ok?''
You nodded and you stopped trying to fight him off.
He reached down into his pocket and took his phone out again to call the only person who would know what to do.
''What are you doing?'' You asked, hurt that he was making a call right after saying he'd take care of you. You tried to pull away but he was still holding you tightly with his other arm.
He kissed the back of your head. ''I'm gonna ask for some help.''
After a few seconds, Martha finally picked up.
''Martha, I need your help.''
''What's wrong?''
He let out a shaky breath. ''My girlfriend has depression and she ran out of her medication. I just found her and she's in bad shape.''
''When did she stop taking them?''
Ransom repeated the question to you but you shrugged, you didn't even know what day today was, you have been so out of it.
''She doesn't know.''
''Check on the bottle of her last refill. There should be a date on there.''
''Ok.'' He said to Martha. ''Baby, where's your bottle?''
''Kitchen.''
''I'll be right back.'' He kissed your cheek and neck before getting up and headed straight for your kitchen. The bottle had been left on the kitchen counter, he grabbed it and read what it said.
''The next refill was due two weeks ago.'' He started to panic. ''Is that bad?''
''It depends, read to me what it says on it.''
''Hold on.'' He went back to your room and laid back behind you, he brought you back to his chest and then told Martha all the info she wanted to know.
He heard her flip through what sounded like pages of a book.
''She should still have a little bit of it in her bloodstream, which means it shouldn't be too hard to get her hormones under control. You have to take her to the ER, they'll be able to give her the exact dosage she needs. They might keep her for a few days, it's completely normal.''
''Ok, thank you.'' Ransom was still very nervous and worried but he felt a little better now that he knew exactly what to do and what was going on.
''But Ransom?''
''Yeah?''
''She needs to take her medication after that.''
''She will.''
''Call me if there's anything else.''
''Thank you.'' He hung up and put his phone back in his pocket.
''Good news, Martha said you're going to be ok.'' He wrapped his other arm around you and rested his chin on your shoulder. ''I need to take you to the ER.''
''No.'' You shook your head.
''We have to go, baby. They'll give you everything you need to feel better. I'll be with you the whole time.''
''You promise?''
''I promise.'' He nodded. ''Let's get you in the shower.'' He got off the bed and pulled the covers away, helping you sit up and offering you his hands to hold so that you could get up.
He held you up as you walked to the bathroom, your legs a little wobbly from the lack of use.
When he had been looking for you Ransom had noticed that you only had a shower, he would have prefered the bathtub instead but the shower will have to do.
''I'm tired, Ransom.'' You sighed.
''I know, baby. We'll sit you down and I'll do most of the work.''
He helped you take your clothes off and turned on the shower before you got in it to check the temperature. He helped you sit down with your back to him, right under the shower stream.
Ransom moved away long enough to take off his sweater and kneeled behind you again.
''You ok?'' He asked as he grabbed your shampoo and conditioner. ''I'll be quick.''
He kissed your shoulder, getting wet in the process but it was the last thing he cared about. He applied and rinsed off the shampoo quickly and took a little bit more time with the conditioner because your hair was knotted from lying in bed for so long. He worked on each knot until your hair was completely untangled.
''Your hair's done, I'll do your body and then we're all done.''
You shook your head no and brought your legs up to your chest.
''What's wrong?''
''I- It's too humiliating. Let me go back to bed.'' You sniffled.
''There's nothing to be humiliated about.'' He rubbed your back. ''I like taking care of my beautiful girl.''
''I'm not beautiful.''
''You're right. You're gorgeous, perfect.'' He lovingly kissed your shoulder again. ''I'll do your arms and your back, then you can do the rest ok?''
You gave him a small nod, too tired to fight with him.
In 30 seconds he was done and handed you the washcloth.
''I'm too tired.'' You whispered.
''Is it ok if I do it?''
You hesitated. ''Yes.''
Ransom was quick but thorough, whispering praises in your ear to make you feel more comfortable. He rinsed off all the soap and wrapped you in your towel to dry you off.
''I want to brush my teeth.''
''I got you.'' He helped you up and then sat you on the counter next to the sink. He gave you your toothbrush with toothpaste on it and stood between your legs while you brushed.
It took you forever and a day but Ransom never rushed you once. He held your hair back when you had to spit out and rubbed your back the whole time.
''You're doing so good baby.'' He kissed your cheek and put your toothbrush back.
Ransom put his sweater back on and carried you to your bedroom. Normally you would have complained but instead you nuzzled into his chest. He held you like this for a few minutes, it seemed to comfort you and that was all Ransom wanted for you; to feel good again.
He didn't want to rush you, especially not now that you seemed to trust him to take care of you but he also can't wait to get you to the hospital to finally be sure that you're going to be ok.
He put you down on your bed, making sure your towel stays on and then walked to your dresser to get you some clothes. He got out a pair of leggings you wore all the time because they were ''so warm and comfy'', your favorite pair of socks and he even picked out your ''period'' underwear because he knows that even if they look like nothing they are unbelievably comfortable. As he looked through your shirts, he found something interesting at the bottom of the drawer. He grabbed it and lifted it up for you to see.
''So... That's where it went.'' He arched a brow, smiling.
You looked at his sweater you had ''stolen'' from him. ''Sorry.'' You looked down.
Now is not the time for teasing you sweater-wearing moron, Ransom thought to himself.
''It's ok baby, it looks so much better on you.''
He walked over to you and helped you stand up.
''Do you want help? To get dressed.''
You nodded.
He kissed your forehead as he took off your towel and helped you get dressed. It took longer than it normally would but again Ransom never tried to rush you or make it seem like taking care of you was painful.
''There you go.'' He smiled at you when you were all dressed, wearing Ransom's sweater. ''Martha said that they might keep you in the hospital for a few days, I'm going to pack you a bag.'' Ransom saw the panic in your eyes when he mentioned having to stay at the hospital.
''Don't worry, if you stay I'm staying too.''
Ransom found a duffel bag that he filled with all types of clothes you could need, he also brought your hairbrush and toothbrush. The last thing he put in was the empty med bottle, Martha had said it was important for him to bring it to the doctors.
When you were ready to leave, Ransom kneeled on the floor and helped you put your shoes on, then put his own. He grabbed a blanket from your bed and you were on your way out.
The trip from your apartment to Ransom's car was painfully long. You had trouble standing up but you refused when Ransom offered to carry you.
This time Ransom took the elevator.
You sat in his car and he put the duffel bag at your feet. Once he made sure your seatbelt was on properly, he tucked you in the blanket he took on his way out and a few seconds later he was on the other side of the car, pulling away.
He glanced at you every two seconds, still worried out of his mind.
Ransom felt like he could breathe a little easier when the hospital was finally in sight. He hated seeing you like this, he hated that there was nothing that he could do to make you feel better. He wished he could take all your pain and suffer for you.
He didn't want to keep you standing for too long, so he made you sit in the waiting room while he talked with the nurse behind the desk. She wrote down all the information he gave her.
''We're a little understaffed today, so it might take an hour or so before you're called in to see the doctor.''
''That's ok, we'll wait.''
''Don't hesitate if you need anything for her.''
He nodded, thanking her and came back to the waiting room, taking a seat right next to you.
''The nurse said it might be a little while. You should sleep a bit. I'll wake you up when they call you.''
You nodded and wrapped yourself more tightly in your blanket.
''Come here.'' Ransom patted his thighs.
You moved to sit on his lap and made yourself comfortable, snuggling his chest. When it seemed like you were comfortable, Ransom put his arms around you and held you to make sure you wouldn't fall when you slept.
Instead of sleeping, you cried silently. Tears were rushing down your cheeks as you felt overwhelmed by everything, by how great Ransom has been to you since he found you earlier. You still didn't know how many days you had spent alone, but before Ransom came to check on you, you had spent every day feeling like you were drowning and no matter how hard you were trying to keep your head above water you either sinked or a wave crashed on top of you, making it impossible for you to breathe or to think clearly. Ransom reached into the water and pulled you out just at the right moment. Just before you drowned.
Ransom felt his sweater getting damp right under where your head was resting on his chest and he frowned. Either you were crying or drooling all over him. God, he's never hoped like this before to be drool.
''Baby?'' He asked quietly.
You hummed, showing that you were awake so it wasn't drool after all.
''You're going to be ok.'' He promised, kissing the top of your head.
20 minutes later, a nurse came into the waiting room and asked for you.
''Right here.'' Ransom said. ''Baby, it's your turn.'' He rubbed your back.
You nodded and stood up with his help. You leaned on him as you walked through the hallways until the nurse stopped at your room.
''You can get settled in, the doctor will be right with you.'' She closed the door behind her as she left.
Ransom lifted you on top of the bed, then moved to stand between your legs like he had after your shower.
''You're doing so great, you're so strong.'' He said, sincerely as he looked directly in your eyes.
''I'm weak, I'm not strong. Otherwise I wouldn't be like this.'' Your eyes were filled with sadness, it broke Ransom's heart every time he'd look into them. He wanted the little spark to be back so badly, there isn't a lot he wouldn't do to get it back to you. He'd be willing to give up everything if it meant that you were going to be your happy self again.
''You're the complete opposite of weak.''
You were just about to argue with him when the doctor walked in. Ransom wanted to stay exactly where he was but the doctor asked him to move so he could examine you and take your vitals.
Ransom felt this incredible urge to protect you and shield you from the world, and even if he knew the doctor was there to help he didn't like him being that close to you when you were like this. He fought every muscle in his body to stay exactly where he was.
''We're going to draw some blood to see exactly how much of your medication is left in your bloodstream and then we'll be able to determine what you need for your hormones to go back to the way they were. I'll send the nurse in and I'll be back in 10 minutes when we have the results.'' The doctor quickly explained before leaving.
The nurse came in less than 2 minutes later to do her job, she was extremely gentle and you had barely felt anything which you were grateful for.
Once she left, Ransom was back standing between your legs and holding you.
As Martha had predicted, they wanted to keep you for 24 hours to see how you reacted to the medication they gave you. After you were taken to a room and got into bed, you slept for hours with Ransom sitting in the chair next to your bed, holding your hand the whole time.
While you slept he texted Emma to let her know where you were and what was happening. Emma was beyond relieved that Ransom had been there to take care of you, no one could have taken better care of you than him. Emma should know, she was the one who took care of you in the beginning when you were struggling with finding the right dosage for your meds.
A nurse came to check on you every now and then to see how you were doing, they weren't going to make you 100% better with just this one dose but you felt a little less like you were suffocating.
As promised, Ransom had stayed with you the entire time. He only went to the bathroom when a nurse was with you so you wouldn't be alone.
On your way back home, Ransom stopped at the drugstore to pick up your prescription. He told them to keep his credit card on file and that from now on he wanted all refills charged to his card, he knew you were going to be pissed but he never wanted to see you like that again. He made another pit stop at his house to get some clothes, he fully intended on staying with you until you were 100% back to being your usual, adorable self.
The first thing he did when he got to your apartment was to sit you down at your tiny kitchen table and make you eat breakfast while he was opening the blinds and windows to let your apartment breathe.
He also changed your sheets so you could sleep in a warm, clean bed. Ransom had the whole thing under control.
You were surprised at how he reacted. You never thought he'd be like this with you, you expected him to be understanding but didn't expect him to take over the way that he did. You felt guilty for ever doubting him, guilt that only tripled when you had a serious conversation with him a few days after you came home from the hospital and you were finally feeling better.
You were lying in bed, on your back with your eyes closed as you waited for Ransom to finish showering and join you. Soon, you felt the mattress dip under Ransom's weight and a few seconds later you felt his body heat. You opened your eyes and turned your head to the side, looking at him. He was lying on his side to face you and had propped himself up with his elbow, resting his head on his closed fist. He looked down at you and smiled, pleased by what he was seeing in your eyes.
''Baby, can I ask you somethin'?''
''Of course you can.''
''Why didn't you tell me you had depression?''
You turned your head back to look at the ceiling again. You didn't want to hurt him, but lying to him was useless.
''Because I thought that if you knew, you wouldn't like me anymore.''
It's a good thing you chose to look away, because the look in Ransom's eyes would have killed you.
''I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't trust me enough to tell me. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you needed to hide this huge part of your life from me.''
His gorgeous blue eyes were filled with pain and regret, the tears that he was holding back only making them shine more.
''But there's absolutely nothing that you could do or say that would make me walk away.'' He added, through the lump in his throat.
''I know that now, I'm sorry I hurt you.'' You dared to look at him and the wind almost got knocked out of you from how sad he looked.
Ransom reached over to you with his free hand and stroked your cheek with his knuckles before cupping the side of your face and running his thumb over it.
''I want to know what happened.''
''What do you mean?''
''What happened for you to not be able to pay for your refill.''
''You have to promise not to get mad.''
His thumb stopped moving on your cheek and a knot rapidly formed in his stomach. He stared at you until you spoke again.
''I have a budget, a very carefully planned one. I put money aside every week to be able to go out, I had plenty of it to be able to go out with everyone but then we started dating and you like going out and before I knew it there wasn't anything left from what I had put aside so I started to take money that was meant for other things.''
''Baby...'' Ransom felt awful. It was all his fault.
''Wait, I'm not done.'' You sighed. ''Then you said your family wanted to meet me and I wanted them to like me. I was scared that if they didn't like me or if they thought I wasn't good enough that you'd break up with me. That scared me more than anything so I decided to do everything that I could possibly do to make sure they would like me.''
Ransom didn't like where this conversation was headed, he actually started to feel nauseous from how horrible he felt.
''I bought new clothes, expensive ones and...''
''And you used the money you had saved aside for your meds.'' He finished for you.
You nodded.
For once, Ransom was speechless. He felt sick and horrible for making you think that he was this shallow. He was aware that he wasn't the most down to earth guy but he didn't think he was so bad that he made you feel like the moment he'd find a flaw, no matter how small, he would throw away his entire relationship with you.
He was supposed to make you feel loved, to make you feel protected, to make you feel like you were the most precious and perfect girlfriend in the world. You were supposed to feel like a queen and instead he made you feel like this.
While you were in the hospital sleeping, Ransom went online and read everything he could find about depression. He had found an article that spoke of the danger of stopping taking your meds cold turkey. You could have died. Who knows what would have happened if he had waited a few more days.
You went through all of this because of him. Because of how horrible he was to you.
He sat up, so suddenly he made you jump.
''How could I do this to you?'' He shook his head and ran his fingers aggressively through his hair.
''Ransom, you didn't do anything. None of it is your fault.'' You tried to touch him but he pulled away like he had just been burned.
''ALL of it is my fault. If he hadn't been such an asshole, such a terrible boyfriend you never would have felt like you weren't good enough and you needed to put your health on the line, your life even, all because you thought I could break up with you at any time.'' He threw the covers off of him and stood up, frantically looking for his clothes.
''Ransom, what are you doing?'' You sat up as you watched him, worried.
''I'm getting dressed and then I'm leaving.''
''Wh- What?'' Your heart was now pounding in your chest. ''Why?''
''Because I love you and I want you to be happy and healthy, and you can't do that with me around.'' He finally found his pants. ''You're my fucking everything and I couldn't stop being an asshole long enough for you to actually believe that I love you.''
He put on his pants, now looking for his shirt. Not once did he look at you, but you could see the trails of tears on his cheeks.
''Ransom, stop.'' You moved to kneel at the edge of your mattress, putting both of your hands on his shoulders. ''Stop!'' You said a little louder, and this time he listened.
''Now you're going to listen, and you're going to listen good.'' You moved one hand under his chin and made him look at you. ''None of it is your fault. You haven't done anything to make me feel like I wasn't good enough. My insecurities put those thoughts in my head and instead of dealing with them, I listened to them and I spiraled out of control. It happens. You didn't push me down that road, you never said anything that made me feel like you didn't like me. It was all in my head, and that happens with mental illnesses. I'm not proud of it, but it's still what happened. You were there by my side every step of the way, never once did you make me feel like I was a burden or a pain in the ass. You saw me at my worst and you helped me get through it. You never judged, you never looked at me like something was wrong. You were perfect, the most perfect boyfriend anyone could ever ask for.''
You moved your hand from his chin to wipe the tears from his left cheek, then right.
A long relieved sigh escaped your mouth when Ransom moved to rest his forehead on yours and wrapped his arms around your waist.
''I never liked you, you know?'' He gently nudged your nose with his. ''I loved you from the very first moment I saw you, I just never said anything because I didn't want to scare you off. I almost told you on the first night when you left me to walk home because you were pissed at me for being an asshole.'' He smiled at the memory. ''I loved you the moment I saw you, but I knew you were the one when you put me back in my place.''
"Really? That's what did it for you?" You chuckled.
Ransom shrugged. "I needed someone who wouldn't take my shit and would call me out."
"Happy to be of service."
Ransom smiled for a few seconds, then turned serious again. "Are you sure that this, us, is good for you? I don't ever want something like that to happen to you again."
"It'll happen again, Ransom. That's part of the illness and there's not a lot that we can do about it but us being together isn't what's going to hurt me."
You could see the doubt in his eyes.
"I promise." You added.
"You need to tell me when you're not ok, or if things are getting to be too much. You can trust me, lean on me."
You nodded. "I know. From now on, no more secrets."
"No more secrets." He agreed.
"Now take off your pants." You grinned.
"Yes ma'am." He smirked and did as he was told.
He lied in bed with you again, spooning you because it's his favorite way of holding you when you slept.
"I love you too."
Ransom grinned. "Yeah?"
"I do."
He turned your head to the side so that he could kiss you.
"How much?" He asked between kisses.
"A lot."
He moved down from your lips, to your jaw and your neck. "How about you show me?" He grinned against your skin.