Getting back into training after my time off wasn't so bad. Levi didn't treat me like I was delicate by any means but was careful not to make any more injures. He watched me carefully as we sparred together and made sure to catch me if I accidentally tripped over myself. As the weeks went by, I got better and better, in every field. The week before the expedition was when we finally got back into ODM gear since my ribs were close to being healed. Levi made me go back to the basics and we trained for hours every single day up until the day we were going back into Wall Maria to set up a resupply station between Trost and Shiganshina. Slowly but surely, one day, we can reclaim Shiganshina and Wall Maria.
On the eve before we rode into our possible deaths, Levi and I sat in the kitchen together like we usually did while everyone in the house was fast asleep. This has become the routine for us two insomniacs. We train all day, eat dinner with everyone, then read or talk and drink tea- sometimes wine or whiskey in my case- while everyone else is asleep. We both seem to have chosen to forget about the embarrassing drunk incident earlier in the month and we have become almost... friends?
As I've gotten better with training, he's lessened his shitty comments about my inability. I was nowhere near his skill or anything, but I was finally catching up with my comrades at least. Even Petra was pleasantly surprised when she came out to watch us the other day.
"I knew you had it in you!" She squealed as she watched me successfully "take down" a fake Titan. On more than one occasion Erwin came and watched my progress and always beamed at me with pride. Levi would shoot me an annoyed, knowing look every time Erwin would come and tell me how good of a job I was doing. Hange and Nifa made sure to keep up with my progress as well, always telling me how proud they were too. It was all very embarrassing how they all doted after me but I appreciated it nonetheless.
"Are you worried about tomorrow?"
Levi looked up at his book at me with a sigh. Usually on nights when we decided to do our respective reading, the rule was to stay silent. But I couldn't help it. I had too much on my mind tonight.
He stayed silent for a moment. "I'm not worried about them." Ouch. It was a fair answer, but I looked away in embarrassment anyways.
"But you are worried about me."
"Yes."
I sighed and closed my book. I know when he says he's worried about me, he means he's worried I'll get the rest of them killed. Even though I've gotten much better, I was still a drag on the squad. Like an extra limb that gets in the way.
"If something happens out there," I said softly. "Please... Just leave me. If I get grabbed, do not risk anything for me."
Levi stayed silently and watched me as I spoke. I glanced up at his face that wasn't exactly blank but... I couldn't tell what it was. He was nearly impossible to read. There was something different there though.
"Okay." The simple agreement stung even though it was what I wanted. I think deep down I wanted him to protest and say 'Gwen, no, of course I'll save you'. But I asked him and realistically we both know I'm not worth the risk. Erwin never commanded him to protect, just assumed he would. I'm sure Erwin never assumed I would ask Levi to do the opposite.
"Well since I'll probably die tomorrow, I guess I'll have a drink," I said with a sad smile and went to the cabinet to grab a glass.
"Grab me one too," Levi murmured. I looked back, surprised, as I grabbed another glass and carried them over to the table, along with a bottle of whiskey.
"Captain Levi having a drink? With me? Never thought I would have the honor. You never drink."
"If you keep on you never will again." I chuckled and poured us both our drinks. We gave a small cheers with a clink of our glasses, then took a sip.
We sat silent together, drinking our worries and anxiety away. Levi was the first to speak up after a couple of minutes.
"I don't think you'll die."
I looked up at him over my glass as I finished the rest of my drink. "Why is that?" I asked, setting my cup down and was about to pour another but Levi stopped me. His calloused but somehow soft hand brushed over mine and both of our cheeks reddened. He hesitantly took his hand back and I did the same.
"I mean, you have made it this far. Better soldiers than you die on their first time out there and here you are." I looked down, guilt filling up and sitting in my stomach like a rock.
"Is it fair to them? No," he continued. He wasn't good at this whole motivating thing. "But there's obviously a reason you're still alive."
"That reason is everyone else," I sighed, looking up at him with sad, tear-filled eyes.
"That's true, but you've really improved over the weeks. I think you'll be okay out there." I was taken back by how kind he was being, in his own way. This is the first time he had acknowledged my hard work and had me red in the cheeks.
"Thank you, Captain Levi," I whispered, grabbing his hand from across the table. I did it without even thinking. "For everything."
Levi stiffened, and he looked at me with confused, steel blue eyes but didn't pull his hand away. I squeezed his fingers lightly then pulled away.
"Alright, I'm finally getting sleepy," I said, standing up from the table with a groan. I was too good at embarrassing myself and I wasn't about to do it anymore tonight. "I'll see you in the morning."
--
Our goal for this expedition was simple; get to an abandoned castle we had set up base in with the supply cart and everyone else intact. Everything was going well on our end of the formation- for a while. We rode as fast as we could through Wall Maria.
Where we were in the formation should have rendered us relatively safe but as more and more flares of red and black were sent up, things were looking grim. Screams were getting closer and all we could do was grip our reigns tighter and keep pushing. The formation was falling apart but we had to keep it together and follow it the best that we could.
Things had settled down and the castle was within sight, but as we passed by a cluster of trees, a Titan busted it's way through, headed straight for the relay squad next to us.
"Fuck, an Abnormal!" I called. It was my job to send out the flares so I grabbed my flare gun, stuck the tube in there, and shot the black smoke into the air. The screams of the people next to us filled the air around us.
"Keep going. Do not stop!" Levi barked. We all nodded, fear on all our faces. We know that when the Titan is done with them, it's headed straight for us. Not a minute after it attacked them, it turned and ran for our squad. We pushed but it was running faster and had an outstretched hand was going straight for Oluo. I was the only one who noticed.
"Oluo!" I screamed. Instinct took over and my only thought was make yourself usefeul. I turned my horse and shot the hooks of my ODM gear straight into the Titans shoulder. I needed to distract it from going for him.
When my hook entered the Titan, it stopped reaching for my squad mate and turned all its attention to me.
"Come on, you ugly bastard!" I growled and shot myself towards its neck. As I soared and twisted through the air, I was about to unhook myself and slice at its nape but from the corner of my eye, I saw it go for my wire.
"No," I gasped and faltered. I tried to turn my attention back to my goal of killing it before it could wrap its fat fingers around the wire, but my hesitation caused me to be off track and I swung too late. As my blades grazed the back of its neck, I felt the wire tighten and stop. It had grabbed me and there was nothing I could do. Time slowed as I felt myself being pulled and slung towards the ground. All I could think about was the Captains words. Don't die. he said. Like it was so easy. It's what we members of the Survey Corp did though, I tried to tell him. I was just hoping to die later rather than sooner.
The ground finally came and I hit hard. Dirt flew up as my body rolled. Tears were streaming down my face silently as I coughed, laying on my back and accepting death. The Abnormal stood over me with a devilish, disgusting smile and started reaching for me through the dirt cloud around me. All the people I loved rushed through my mind.
My parents, my sister, Petra, Hange, Nifa, Erwin, Gunther, Eld, even arrogant Oluo, and Levi.
Levi... He will be so disappointed. Weeks of hard work for nothing. Will he cry for me? Ha, what a thought. Will Erwin be angry when Levi doesn't turn to save me like I asked? It was why Erwin wanted me with him. To protect me. But our first mission out together is the one that gets me killed instead.
A flash of green came out of nowhere before the creature's hand reached me. My vision was blurry from the blow my head took and the tears in my eyes but even so, I could see green and black, quick as lightning, slicing up the arm. Then steam rose as the Titan collapsed next to me, barely missing my body.
"I told you not to save me," I coughed as Levi landed next to me. He stuck a hand out for me to grab.
"Just say thank you later, you idiot." I grabbed his hand and groaned. Everything in my body hurt, and I had blood running from multiples places from the rocks and ground cutting me up when I rolled. The rest of the team rode back to us, my horse with them.
"Gwen, you saved me. Thank you," Oluo said sincerely. He was usually so cocky but he truly meant it. Petra looked terrified as she rode up.
"Gwen! Are you okay?" I waved my hand, trying to play this whole situation off.
"I'm fine, please. Let's get out of here before anything else shows up. We're so close," I said grabbing the reigns of my horse. Levi kindly helped me up into the saddle, and we continued our way to the castle.
We were already in the back of the formation, so we were the last to make it in just as the sun was getting low. I saw Erwin anxiously waiting and when he saw me his face broke. He was quick to maintain his composure once more, but I caught it.
We rode up to the hitch posts for the horses and all got off. After securing the animals, we started walking towards Erwin.
"What happened out there?" He asked, directing his question to Levi.
"Abnormal came out of those random trees down the road," he answered, calm and almost bored. His normal self. Erwin nodded and then turned his attention towards me. My eyes started watering as I stared into his pools of light blue.
"Are you okay Miss Busch?"
"Yes," I croaked out, then cleared my throat and blinked away my tears. I felt Petra's soft hand grab mine and squeeze softly with comfort. His eyes softened and he nodded.
"You're dismissed," Erwin said. We all saluted him, fist over our hearts, and then walked towards the castle entrance. As we walked, I glanced around. I saw the carts made it but the number of horses had dwindled significantly, which means we took a big loss. Hopefully tomorrow we can all make it back in one piece.
Once inside, bread and water was handed out and we all gathered in different spots. Petra and Nifa sat me down to observe my wounds and dressed them with what we had.
"What happened to you out there?" Hange asked as she plopped down next to me on a crate. I shuddered as the image of the Titan reaching for me ran through my brain.
"I-uh.. I just wanted to save Oluo," I said. "This Abnormal came from the trees and got the squad behind us... When it turned on us, I saw it reach and I-"
My voice broke and tears threatened to spill over. Petra once again gave me a comforting hand to hold as she and the others listened to me explain.
"My brain just told me to be useful, and I went for it. But I hesitated and it grabbed my wire. Captain Levi had to save me," I whispered. I glanced up to where Levi was standing across the room. Gunther and Eld seemed to be talking to him but he was watching me with intense eyes, like he knew I was talking about him. We kept eye contact as he pushed himself off the wall and walked over to us.
"We're just glad you're okay," Nifa urged as she finished wrapping a gauze around my bleeding hand. I had cuts and burns all over my hands stomach, and face. Places not protected by leather or our thick pants.
"I told him not come back for me," I whispered as Levi walked up. He rolled his eyes at me and sighed.
"Let's go talk, brat."
I got up silently and followed him outside. Once we were out of earshot of anyone else, he stopped and looked at me.
"What was that?" He demanded.
"What was what?"
"Back there. It was stupid."
I looked away from him and crossed my arms. "It would've worked but I hesitated. Either way, Oluo is alive and that's what matters. It's why I did it."
"It was suicide."
"I just wanted to be helpful."
"Being helpful would've been not getting caught, and me having to go save your ass," he said, balling his fists in frustration.
"I told you not to," I seethed, turning to look him in the eyes. "You should have let me die back there."
"I couldn't do it."
I stared at him as he looked away. His face was bunched up in annoyance and his knuckles were white from balling them so hard.
"Why?" I whispered. Why couldn't he do it? We had spent time together, but we were barely friends. I'm not an important member of the squad, or the Survey Corp as a whole. Besides being from a noble family, I was essentially non-important as a human being and completely expendable. So why did he turn back?
"Why?" I demanded, louder this time, when he wouldn't answered.
"I don't know, but you're making me regret it," he said through gritted teeth, then turned on his heels to walk back inside. I stood there and watched his back as he left me there. I was so confused. He was acting so weird and I couldn't understand it.
As I stood and watched the empty space Levi had been occupying, foot steps approached me. I looked up to see Erwin giving me a soft smile.
I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Are you going to lecture me on how stupid it was too?"
I felt his hand grab mine and his thumb run over my knuckles. I opened my eyes to meet his.
"No, of course not," he frowned. "You were very brave. I'm just glad you're alive."
As his hand held mine, I couldn't help but note the differences in his and Levi's. Despite the obvious size difference, Erwin's were hard and rough. There was no softness to his hands, just his touch. While Levi's were soft despite the callouses and scars from years of fighting and surviving. But they were strong and nimble, like a thief.
These two men were so different and yet I spend all my time thinking of them both.
"Well, Levi did his job, like you wanted," I sighed, pulling my hand away slowly.
He frowned but didn't reach for my hand again. "Yes. Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?"
"Erwin, I don't want to be saved," I said. "I don't want anyone to risk their life for me. It's not worth it."
"Gwendolyn," he sighed, his eyes and voice soft. Before he could continue, I shook my head and held my hand up in protest.
"Stop. Please, I don't need a pep talk right now," I said. "I just want to sleep this off. I'll talk to you later this week."
I reached up and gave Erwin a kiss on the cheek then walked away before he could say anything else. I hated to be treating him this way for caring, but I felt too guilty. I know no one died, but I put Levi in danger by being useless and hesitating.
The next day came quickly and before I could process anything we were already back on our horses and headed towards Trost. The way back was much more successful, and we didn't lose anyone else. As we got back into the city along Wall Rose, we were met with the usual mix of praise, anger, and tears. It was exactly what the inside of my mind felt like right now.
Once back at headquarters, I dropped my horse off in his stable and brushed his hair softly with my fingers. I hadn't come to see him since I had spent so much time training and I was feeling guilty for that too.
"I'm sorry for putting you in danger too, Doc," I told him, and planted a kiss on his muzzle, then walked out of the stables. I watched everyone head for the mess hall, but I made a beeline for the house. Food was the last thing on my mind after yesterday. All I wanted was a cold shower and clean clothes.
"Where are you going?" Someone asked me and grabbed me by the arm.
I stopped and snapped my head over to see Levi.
"Home," I said, trying to shrug out of his grip. His long fingers just gripped me tighter.
"You need to eat," he said flatly. I rolled my eyes and pried his fingers away from my arm.
"I will tomorrow, sir." I turned away and continued my path to the house. He didn't try to stop me this time and when I glanced back, he was gone.
Once I got home, I turned on the shower and stripped from my clothes. I got in and let the cold water wash away all the dirt, blood, and tears that had accumulated. As the water ran down my face, I silently sobbed, letting my tears mix with the water. After showering I changed into baggy night pants and a tight, short tank top. When I came out of my room, Levi was sitting at the table.
"Took you long enough," he grumbled. His eyes met mine then started lingering down the rest of my body. I didn't expect any of the guys to be home so wearing such a revealing top wasn't a big deal, but now Levi was here. My cleavage was out and you could see every bruise and cut on the smooth skin of my stomach. Not to mention my very obvious nipples poking out from the cold. My face heated and I crossed my arms in embarrassment, doing my best to cover my body.
"I didn't know anyone was coming back," I tried to explain. "What are you doing here?"
"I brought another reason for you to say thank you," he said, gesturing to the dinner he brought me.
It was so nice and out of character for him that I couldn't help but be appreciative. I sat down at the table and gave him a soft, tired smile.
"Thank you, Levi," I whispered. I dropped the formality and he didn't correct me. Instead, we both ate in a comfortable silence. He knew I came here for quiet but wanted to make sure I ate. Maybe he cares.
Once he finished eating, he got up and went to shower. I wanted to return his act of kindness, so I brewed us a pot of tea. When he walked out, I looked up from pouring the tea into 2 cups to see him dressed in his own night clothes.
"I thought I smelled tea," he said, walking over and sitting down across from me. He grabbed his cup and blew on the liquid, then took a sip. "Not bad."
"You know, you were on my mind," I mumbled, not knowing why I was telling him. It just started coming out. "When I was thinking I was going to die."
He glanced up at me with his usual blank look but there was something soft about his eyes and his cheeks reddened as he listened to me.
"Hm, what about me?"
"How disappointed you were going to be," I chuckled and watched my fingers as I traced patterns into the table nervously. Stop talking, stop talking. He doesn't need to know anything else. "I wondered if you would cry for me."
How embarrassing why would I tell him that?
"Why would I be disappointed?"
He ignored the crying for me part, thankfully. "For dying. You've put in so much time and effort into me."
"Tch, you idiot," he grumbled. I looked up to see him shaking his head.
"What?"
"I wouldn't be putting in so much work if I didn't want to," he said firmly, staring me dead in the eyes. I blushed fiercely and tried to will myself to look away but couldn't seem to. "If I thought you were beyond hope, I would've left you to die. I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself."
"Levi," I gasped lightly, not really knowing what else to say. This was a complete 180 from what he originally thought of me. The words were almost too nice to hear. I didn't deserve them.
"I know you didn't want me to go back for you, but I did," he grumbled, and quickly added, "We need as many soldiers as we can. You've proven that you're not completely useless. You saved Oluo's life yesterday. He would have done the same for you."
I swallowed thickly and bit my cheek to keep from crying. I wanted to so bad from all the mix of emotions swirling around in my heart but I didn't want to shed any tears in front of Levi.
"You are being suicidal and it's stupid," he continued. "It's selfish. I- We need you. All these other people didn't want to die like you do and they would do anything to be in your position."
He was right, though. All this guilt and shame and self-pity was stupid. I should feel lucky to be alive and still being able to serve the Survey Corps. Serve Erwin, and humanity. Serve Levi.