December 3, 2021
I had a nice sleep last night. This was the first time that I saw him in my dreams...it felt so real to the point that I wanna stay in that dream forever. If it is the only way that I could see his smile again, I would.
Reality. Fuck Reality.
When I woke up, It came to me that I would never see him again. Earlier, I have my two presentations for this term, even so, my mind was not cooperating for the reason that he was all I think about--- all the memories that I have with him.
Reminiscing all the moments I had with this person just made me smile. All he left for me was happy memories.
He was there.
Those times where I felt alone, he made me laugh. He's the type of person who is not fond of dramas, but he listened as I vent out everything I feel at that moment. He always made sure that everything will be okay, I will be okay.
The time where I had no one to talk to about the person I like, he was willing to listen. Would always slap me hard with his harsh words to wake me up from my hopeless romantic idea in mind.
He was always there. The worst moments in my life, he knows it. But he stayed.
I knew it already, I should have prepared for this, right? He was always sure that he was near to leaving. I was so scared because I feel like I will lose him. A friend, one of my comfort zone. Someone that I can talk with without the fear of being judged. I do not need to be someone else with him--- I feel free.
Things happened so fast, I did not see it coming. Without a word, he left. No goodbyes.
I thought I was ready...
I was okay. I continued living my life. Our communication was cut off, yet I always remember to greet him on his birthday, nonetheless, I just received a simple "thank you." and with that our conversation ended again. That is how it goes every year. I always expect to get an update about his life, but I was too shy to ask.
He was the person I used to run to when I feel sad, but now he is one of the reasons why I feel sad. Having him as a friend is a blessing... in that bliss moment that I had with him, I am and will always be beyond grateful.
I hope that he is happy. Seeing him smile in my dreams made me feel secure again. I was living in a loop where all I do is study and make the people around me proud. I also want him to be happy with my achievements. I will do what it takes.
So selfish of me to say this, still, I look forward to seeing him again. Maybe when that day comes, I would be ready to tell him what I seriously feel. Kapag puwede na sana puwede pa.
Until I see you again.
- S