"Come on, Shan! We're going to be late!"
My mom's boyfriend knocked on my room to remind me to go down already. We were about to spend our summer vacation at the beach after my sixth grade graduation. I quickly got my bag and ran down the stairs to go to the car. Naghihintay na roon si Mommy. Malapit na exclusive resort lang sa Bataan ang pupuntahan namin kaya saglit lang din ang byahe.
I was so excited. Matagal na kasi noong huli kong nakita ang dagat. We were planning to stay there for so long so the idea of waking up with the sound of the beach made me feel so happy. It would be one of the days where I could feel peace.
I was just watching outside the window the whole ride. Pagkarating namin sa resort ay binuhat na ng boyfriend ni Mommy ang bag ko at tumakbo naman kaagad ako sa beach area habang nag-aasikaso sila sa lobby.
I smiled a little to myself when I stopped running and looked at the waves. My feet were covered with sand already and the sun was hitting my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I felt the wind blowing my hair and my polo. It was a good feeling.
"Good morning!" I looked at the girl beside me when she shouted so loud while facing the sea. It was like she was shouting it to the sky. She was wearing a beach dress and a cute hat. "Hello!" She turned to me when she noticed me looking at her. She was probably younger than me.
"Hi," I said before looking away. Bakit niya ako kinakausap? I wasn't used to strangers talking to me. Ang laki-laki ng beach pero sa tabi ko pa talaga siya pumwesto.
"Are you new here?!" she asked again, energetic. What a kid.
I didn't answer and just looked back at my mom to see if they were already looking for me but I saw her talking to a familiar woman. I think I already saw that woman before, when I was younger. Well, she looked busy so I just started walking on the sand to take a look around. Surprisingly, the girl still followed me.
"Hello! Where are you going?!" She was smaller than me so she had a hard time trying to keep up with my footsteps. Hindi ko ulit siya sinagot at pinagpatuloy ang paglalakad.
She was still trying to follow until I couldn't feel her behind me anymore. I stopped and looked back to see if she already left but I saw her sitting on the sand, trying to take off her sandals. "Wait for me!" she told me in a small voice. "Please?"
I blinked twice when I heard her say 'please.' Ano ba 'to? Ang kulit naman. Hindi ko naman siya kilala. She should be scared of strangers.
"I'm from Bataan too! It's my dad's province! We've been staying here for 3 days already! Ikaw po? Ilang taon ka na?" she asked while still trying to take off her sandals.
"Don't ask me," maikling sagot ko nang walang emosyon. Ngumuso siya at tumayo na, hawak-hawak sa kamay niya ang sandals. Pagkatapos ay naglakad na siya palapit sa akin at nginitian ako.
"What's your name? I'm Ayi! That's my nickname here in Bataan! My dad's relatives call me that!" pagpapakilala niya sa akin.
"Kierra, we're going to eat now!" I heard a woman shouting from afar.
"Wait, I have to go! See you again!" Kumaway siya sa akin at tumakbo na. Ang kulit naman noon. Napailing na lang ako at naglakad na lang ulit pabalik sa lobby. Mukhang tapos na mag-asikaso sina Mommy ng check-in.
They gave me my own room but it was connected to my mom and her boyfriend's room. I had a view of the sea, which I really loved. After unpacking my things, we went out to eat, and then I took a nap.
At night, I took out my phone to play games while leaving the television on. "Ledezma Group rising in the hotel and resort industry..." I stopped playing when I heard the surname. My eyes immediately went to the television and saw my dad's face. He looked so presentable and calm during the interview. The total opposite of how he was in reality.
"Shan?" I finished the game immediately when my mom's boyfriend knocked on my door before going inside. I looked at him and raised my brows, waiting for him to talk. "I heard you want to go back to Manila for highschool..." He sat at the edge of my bed.
"Yes, but mom doesn't want to. She doesn't want me to go near my dad," I told him. I already talked to mom about it but she was firm. She was really trying so hard not to let me see my dad under any circumstances.
"Gusto mo ba talaga 'yon?" His voice was so calm and comforting. "I can talk to your mom about it... I'll try to convince her."
"You will do that for me?" My eyes lit up when I heard his offer. "Wait... In exchange of what?"
During the times when I would catch my dad flirting with other women, he will always ask me not to say anything in exchange of money. He would always put money on my side table at night even if I didn't say yes. It was not an offer. It was a threat.
"Exchange?" Natawa siya sa akin. "No exchange. I just want you to live the life you want. You're like a son to me already."
My lips parted when I heard the word 'son.' I couldn't say anything to him. A lot of thoughts started running inside my mind. Why? Was it another scheme to get me to trust him before he could break me too? What was he planning? What could be his intention?
"You don't mean that." I looked down and started playing on my phone again.
"I know it's hard for you to accept me as a part of your life..." He sighed. "Pero huwag kang mag-alala. Susubukan ko pa rin hanggang sa tanggapin mo na ako. I know what you have been through and it wasn't easy at all... But I promise to protect you and your mom until I die. Your mom is scared for you to go back to Manila because she doesn't want you to see your dad again but if you really want it... Then let's do something about it, okay?"
"Okay..." I nodded, although I wasn't accepting everything he said. "Thanks."
The next day, we ate breakfast with another family. It shouldn't be that weird but the girl yesterday was seated in front of me and she was smiling like there was no tomorrow. Ano b'ang problema nito? Nang-aasar ba siya?
"My sister will handle Lopez High for the meantime..." My mom told the other woman. "I'm still trying to adjust to my life here..."
"If you need help, you can always contact me," the other woman said. "Oh, is this your son now? He's getting really tall!"
"Yeah, sorry if he doesn't talk much. He's still not used to people," my mom said, giving a small smile. "Ke, on the other hand, really looks like a lovely girl."
"At her age, she has become really talkative and energetic. Sobrang kulit na bata! Nahawa na yata sa pinsan! Lagi kasing magkasama!"
I looked at the girl again while I was chewing the pancake slice inside my mouth. She was looking at me again, smiling. Kumunot ang noo ko at tinaasan siya ng kilay. Her smile grew wider and even scrunched her nose, giggling. Mas lalong nagsalubong ang kilay ko bago siya inirapan.
"Aw, that's rude!" she told me. "But it's okay! Do you want to play with me? Let's build sand castles! Please? Please?"
"No," I told her while drinking my orange juice.
"Why not?" Ngumuso siya.
"Because I don't want to."
"But... There are no other kids here! You're my only friend!" pagpupumilit pa niya sa akin. Halos masamid ako sa iniinom ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
"We're not friends," I told her before standing up to go back to my room.
I just sat on the lounge chair at the balcony of my room while playing games on my phone. Since I had a beach view, I could see the girl struggling to build her own sand castle. Her hands were too small to gather lots of sands. She would always get up to put water on her small bucket then go back again. Hindi ko alam kung gaano na siya katagal gumagawa ng sand castle na 'yon pero ako na 'yong naiinip sa sobrang tagal.
"Ano ba 'yan..." bulong ko nang bumagsak 'yong sand castle niya. Paiyak na yata siya kaya binaba ko na lang ang phone ko at lumabas ng room para pumunta sa beach front.
Lumiwanag ang mga mata niya nang makita niya akong naglalakad palapit sa kaniya. Kinuha ko 'yong bucket niya at nilagyan ng sand bago kumuha ng tubig. Umupo na lang din ako sa buhanginan at tinulungan siyang ibalik 'yong gawa niya kanina.
"Thank you!" she told me, smiling. "Akala ko ba ayaw mo? Does this mean we are friends now?!"
"No, we are not friends," paglilinaw ko ulit.
"Aw, wala kang friends?" nagtatakang tanong niya. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. May mga kaibigan naman ako. I had Hiro and Acel... and Haze! But in my school here, I was really alone. "It's okay! I'll be your first friend here!"
"I told you... I do not want to be your friend," I firmly said.
"Why not? I'm nice! And... And... A lot of people want to be my friend! And... My cousin said I should get more friends and be more friendly! That's why... I'm trying to get friends! Kasi kapag umuuwi kami nina Daddy dito sa province, wala akong friends sa mga kapitbahay namin. Puro kasi sila mga Kuya at Ate o kaya naman mga super baby. You look like my age! We should be friends!"
"I'm not your age. I'm about to enter my first year in high school," I told her.
"What?! Really?! That's why you're bigger than me! But... But... We're close on age! Pwede naman!" pagpupumilit pa niya.
The thing was... I couldn't build new relationships with people. I could... but it would take such a long time for me to really feel a connection with them. I didn't want to accept new friends... or new family. I was having a hard time letting people inside my life and my heart. I preferred being alone... than being replaced.
Hindi ko na matandaan ang huling kita ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Ever since I moved here, I couldn't see them at all. We would sometimes message each other but it was also rare. I didn't want to lose that connection I built for years... that was why I wanted to go back to Manila. I wanted to be classmates with them again.
"Anak... Can we talk for a second?" My mom approached me so I immediately stood up.
I followed her inside the room and sat at the edge of the bed to hear what she was going to say. She kneeled in front of me and held both of my hands.
"You want to study in Manila... right? Your step dad already talked to me about it. Why do you want it so bad? Are you not scared that your biological dad might come after you again?"
That thought scared me the most... but I really just wanted to be with my friends again. I wanted to surround myself with my friends. I was tired of living here... feeling so alone.
"I want to spend high school with Hiro and Acel."
That was the truth. She sighed heavily before her grip on my hand tightened. It was like she just made the hardest decision of her life.
"Okay... We will go back to Manila... but... But you have to learn how to defend yourself, okay? I don't want him to hurt you again..." She touched my cheek.
We were still staying in the beach resort but every morning, I would attend my mixed martial arts classes for kids. My mom thought it was necessary for me to learn how to fight back. It was what she wanted so I did it.
"Hello! What are you up to?!" The girl went up to me while I was trying to practice what I learned today. I was doing it in the sand and she saw me.
"I'm practicing," I told her.
"But your hands are shaking!" she pointed out.
I hid my hands behind my back and looked away. Truthfully, I was scared of the match tomorrow... because I didn't want to hurt people. It reminded me of what my dad did. I was just convincing myself that we would have protective gears. It shouldn't hurt too much.
"Are you okay?" She suddenly grabbed my wrists and held both of my hands inside her smaller hands. I raised a brow and looked at her. Ano b'ang ginagawa nito? "See? They aren't shaking anymore!"
"You're distracting me. Go away," I told her and put my hands back inside my pocket. Ngumuso siya sa akin at ginaya ang ginagawa ko kanina. "You're wrong."
"Meanie!" Tinalikuran ko siya at nagsimula nang maglakad paalis. "Hey, we're leaving tomorrow!"
Hindi ko siya pinansin at pinagpatuloy ang paglalakad ko. Kumaway na lang ako habang nakatalikod bago pumasok sa kwarto ko. "See you when I see you..."
***
"Bakit hindi ka na roon sa Yesterday's Coffee bumibili ng kape? Hindi ba favorite mo 'yon? Bakit puro Starbucks ka na ngayon?"
Hindi ko masagot nang maayos si Luna habang gumagawa kami ng plates. Simula kasi noong na-confirm kong nagtatrabaho roon as barista 'yong lalaking 'yon, hindi na ako pumupunta! Ayaw ko na 'yon makita! Iyon nga lang, nangungulila ako sa favorite kong coffee shop. Maganda pa naman doon, lalo na ang interior. Maraming bulaklak tsaka halaman. Maluwag pa ang space. Doon ako nag-aaral palagi.
"Tapusin mo na 'yang plates mo," sabi ko sa kaniya. Gusto ko na naman ng kape dahil magpupuyat nga ako ngayong gabi. May exam pa ako kaya magre-review pa ako pagkatapos ng plates ko.
Ngumuso lang si Luna at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa. Nakatulog din siya kaagad dahil sa pagod pagkatapos gawin 'yon. Mukhang nag-aral na 'to para bukas kaya hindi ko na rin ginising. Kinuha ko na lang ang mga gamit ko at naglakad papunta sa Yesterday's Coffee para roon mag-aral. Habang naglalakad ako ay pinagdadasal kong sana wala siya sa counter.
"Yes!" Tuwang-tuwa ako nang sumilip ako at hindi siya nakita sa may counter. Bumili ako ng kape at slice ng cake bago umupo sa table for two. Nilapag ko ang mga gamit ko roon bago nagsimulang mag-aral. Mabuti na lang talaga at 24/7 ang shop na 'to.
Habang nag-aaral ako, napansin kong may dalawang nag-uusap roon sa malayong table sa akin. Mukhang nag-aaway sila. Hindi naman sa invested ako pero naabutan kong sinampal ng babae 'yong lalaki bago nag-walk out. Napaawang ang labi ko at sinundan siya ng tingin.
Hindi man lang hinabol noong lalaki. Tumayo lang siya at kinuha ang mga gamit niya para lumipat ng table... kaso biglang nagtama ang tingin namin. The worried look in my face immediately faded when I saw who the man was.
"Hah..." I scoffed when he immediately smiled because he saw me. "This asshole... My god." Umakto akong hindi ko siya kilala habang naglalakad siya palapit sa akin. Tinakpan ko pa ng libro ang mukha ko nang umupo siya sa tapat ko.
Wala nga sa counter, customer naman! Bakit ba narito 'to?! Hindi naman siguro siya malapit dito, ano? Jowa niya ba 'yon? Bakit sila nag-away? At bakit ako curious?
"Pahiram, ah..." Kinuha niya iyong iced americano ko at dinikit sa pisngi niya. Agad kong binaba ang libro at sinamaan siya ng tingin.
"Lumayo ka nga sa 'kin. Bakit ka ba nandito?"
"Because someone asked me if we could meet here... then got slapped. Damn." Napailing pa siya at kinapa ang labi niya para tingnan kung dumudugo. I really can't deal with this guy.
"What did you do?" I was so sure it was some stupid shit he did again. He was so good at provoking people. Kahit nga wala siyang ginagawa ay naiinis ako.
"Let's keep this a secret between us," he whispered. Secret? Were we even that close to share a secret together?! "I had a one-night stand with that girl... As a gentleman, I did some after-care, of course. I even bought her breakfast before I left... Then... She asked if we could meet again here, I said yes, and then-"
"So second meet n'yo na 'yong kanina?" I asked just to be clear.
He nodded and continued telling me the story. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nakikinig ako sa kaniya. "She asked me if we could date and I said 'no, it was just a one night stand for me,' then she slapped me and walked out. End of a tragic story." He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the chair.
"Deserve," bulong ko at pinagpatuloy na ulit ang pag-aaral.
"What are you expecting me to say? Try to reverse the situation. What if after our one-night stand... which I really enjoyed, by the way... I suddenly ask you if you want to date. What would you say?" He raised both of his eyebrows.
"Kahit walang one-night stand, I would still not date you," I firmly said without hesitation.
"You didn't even think about it." His voice suddenly went low when he leaned over the table and flashed his playful smile. "Let's try then."
"What now?" tanong ko nang nilapit niya ang mukha niya sa akin. I didn't budge and just looked at him straight in the eyes.
"Do you want to date?" he smoothly asked, then offered a flower that he probably picked from the side.
I gave him a smile. "No." Then, I rolled my eyes and pushed him away, along with the flowers. "You're distracting me. Go away."
"So you're distracted by me now?" He bit his lower lip to stop himself from smiling.
"That wasn't a compliment, idiot." Napailing ako habang nagbabasa. Narinig ko na lang ang tawa niya bago kumuha rin ng libro na dala-dala niya kanina. It was a thick law book. He also started studying in front of me.
I just sat there in silence while typing on my laptop. I was preparing a reviewer so I would remember it better. On the other hand, he was busy highlighting and putting post-it notes on his book.
"La Salle Law School?" I asked when I saw his I.D. He placed it on the table.
"Interested now, are we?" The side of his lips rose up to form a playful smirk while his eyes were still glued to the book.
"Kasing-kapal ng librong hawak mo 'yong mukha mo."
Instead of getting offended, he laughed it off and closed the book so he could put his elbow on top of it. Sinandal niya ang baba niya sa palad niya habang nakatingin sa akin. He was smiling like a dummy.
"Bakit ka nakangiti? Kinikilig ka ba sa 'kin?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"I feel like we're on the getting-to-know each other stage," pang-aasar niya sa akin. Natawa tuloy ako nang sarkastiko.
"You're not feeling well."
Tumawa siya bago nilabas ang cellphone niya. He was texting someone and looking so irritated. Pagkatapos ay sumagot na siya ng tawag at pinako ang tingin niya sa akin.
"No, I won't attend the party tonight. I'm on a date." When he gave me a wink, I almost did a vomiting gesture. "My ex-fling? Which one?"
Bumalik na lang ako sa pagbabasa nang tumayo siya saglit para lumayo sa akin habang nakikipag-usap sa phone. When he went back, he just gathered his books and put a post-it note on my forehead before smiling and walking away.
Tinanggal ko ang note sa noo ko at binasa 'yon.
'I gotta go.
P.S: Don't miss me too much :)'
Nasira lang ang gabi ko. Binilisan ko ang pag-aaral ko nang makabalik na sa condo at makatulog na... pero nang makahiga ako sa kama ay matagal akong napatitig sa kisame, iniisip kung matutulog pa ba ako o hindi na.
Because he might appear again. Kaunting oras na lang naman ay sisinag na ang araw. I decided to just wait for it. For me... It was better to stay awake than to see him again in my dreams. I did not want to go through all that again.
I started to purposely stay up at night so I would avoid the nightmares until I exhausted myself. I was probably starting to look so pale because Luna pointed it out too.
"Kierra, lalagnatin ka na niyan. Matulog ka muna. Bibili ako ng gamot," sabi niya sa akin.
"Huwag na. Ako na ang bibili," I told her.
I quickly changed into my hoodie before going out. Instead of buying medicine, I went to the coffee shop to buy some coffee. Wala na akong ganang magulat nang makita ko na naman ang barista.
"Good-" Natigilan siya bigla nang makita ako. "Are you okay?" nag-aalalang tanong niya sa akin.
"One iced americano," I told him while finding cash inside my wallet.
"I don't think you need coffee today..." nag-aalangang sabi niya sa akin. "You know what you need? Sleep."
"I don't want to sleep," I told him.
He was about to say something but he stopped himself. He just stared at me and started preparing my cup. "Pay later," he said because I was struggling to find enough cash inside my wallet.
Umupo muna ako saglit sa isa sa mga table habang naghihintay. I didn't know what happened. I was just looking around and closed my eyes a bit... then it was all black.
"Please, bukas na tayo mag-usap... Masyado ka pang galit ngayon, Miguel..."
"Susunod ka o kakaladkarin kita papasok ng sasakyan? Umayos ka, Kierra, kung ayaw mong gumawa ako ng eksena rito."
"Huwag... Please. Tama na muna..."
My heart was beating so fast and I was starting to cry out of nervousness. I knew what he was capable of doing. I didn't want to get inside the car. I wanted him to calm down before we could talk. Scared... I was... scared.
"Kierra, hey."
I suddenly woke up when I felt a light touch on my shoulder. Napaayos ako ng upo at napatitig sa lalaking nasa tabi ko. My hands were shaking while placed on the table. When I touched my cheek, there were visible tears. I was also sweating so bad.
He immediately put his hands up to show me that he wasn't touching me before handing me his handkerchief. I couldn't talk. My mind was still replaying the dream inside my head.
"Can I hold your hand?" Ciandrei asked carefully. It took me a long time before I could nod.
He put both of my hands inside his hands while trying to calm me down. "We're in the coffee shop. You're okay..." he said.
I started looking around and noticed that it was already dark outside. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nakatulog. Ang alam ko lang ay takot na takot ako kahit pagkagising. I started breathing heavily.
"Breathe with me... Slowly... Slowly..." he guided me through breathing exercises. "Close your eyes. You're safe here, okay? Listen... Breathe in... Hold..."
I started taking deep breaths while closing my eyes until I calmed down. "I'll get you water." He was about to leave but I tightened my grip on his hand while looking at the floor. He stopped and kneeled in front of me again. Using his one hand, he grabbed a cup of water in one of the trays he put on the other table and gave it to me.
I couldn't talk while I was trying to recover. He just waited until I let go of his hand. He gave me a small smile and sat in front of me.
"Let me walk you home." He started taking off his barista apron and stood up. "Come on."
"No..." Umiling ako sa kaniya. Luna should not see me like this. "I don't want to go home yet. Let's go somewhere else."
Natigilan siya saglit at nag-isip muna bago tumango. "Alright. Let's go." He gave me a comforting smile and offered his hand. "I'll take you out on a date." ________________________________________________________________________________
:)