A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Joey looked down at the sleeping elf as a part of him just felt completely helpless.
He didn't even know what he was feeling helpless about. Too many possibilities crowded his mind, a selection of make-believes to pick and make himself feel better. It probably wasn't any of those ones though, it was more likely that he felt helpless about still being in love with Xornoth.
His love was supposed to be gone the moment the crown has left his head, the moment they had been defeated and plopped inside a crystal for safekeeping and scooped off to Rivendell. But it wasn't, and that was arguably worse.
Joey was jolted back into reality for a moment, and he realised that despite the overwhelming emotions clouding his mind, he couldn't find it within himself to leave and process them healthily. It was like he was glued to the floor, unable to leave in his urge to be near Xornoth.
But they didn't need him near, and he certainly didn't need them near him. So Joey tore himself away, ignoring how incredibly small they looked covered in the blankets. He didn't need to watch them. They would be fine.
It was probably true, he thought to himself walking out the door. Xornoth didn't seem to be fine based on what happened between the two. Joey despised being so weak and helpless around them, but when he fell, he fell hard.
Joey's eyes darted over the corridors of the temple. Engraved red walls, with many columns and polished marble floors, filled with bronze braziers and plants and pieces of art. He tried to immerse himself in the details, stopping to look at the pattern of one particular wall carving, but Xornoth still lingered at the back of his mind, and everything around him reminded him of them.
The way the small flowers of a daybreak's healer dangled reminded him of how strands of their slowly growing hair barely slipped over their eyes. The small bowl of cocoa beans reminded him of how their face had twisted in surprise at tasting chocolate for the first time. The flash of a bird's red and purple feathers outside the window reminded him of how their eyes glistened between the two colours and shined in the light.
Joey raked a hand through his hair and continued making his way through the palace. He wasn't even sure where he was going. Maybe outside; the sky glimmered in different hues of gold and orange and violet, and it was so peaceful to feel the cool evening air after such a long day in the hot climate, unable to detach himself from Xornoth's unconscious form. Hopefully it would provide him with the distraction he needed to forget about them, if only for the shortest while.
When he stepped on to the terrace, Joey was immediately swamped by a fresh breeze that ruffled his feathers. He momentarily sat down on the cold stone and sighed, letting the atmosphere calm him. He needed some calm, with how hectic everything was.
The background noise of the trees creaking and rustling in the wind, birds tweeting behind helped soothe him. It was a lovely sound, one similar to many others but yet couldn't be replicated anywhere else. It was eerily different to the corrupted atmosphere around Xornoth; theirs had been simmering with rage, tiptoeing the fine line between freezing and boiling. This was something Joey had truly missed feeling.
(But Xornoth had always seemed to be somewhat fascinated with the way little birds flew through the breeze-)
Joey attempted to steel himself, gripping his knees. He hadn't bothered to change out of the clothes he had half heartedly slung on in an attempt not to freeze to death at Rivendell, so he didn't come into contact with his skin but with thick fabric. It explained why he was still so warm.
He should probably change out of it. The jungle was so sticky and humid, even later in the day when the sun had retreated below the horizon, and wearing it would be like walking around into a boiling hot oven. But his thoughts had been so panicked and confused when he was carrying Xornoth back to the Lost Empire that he had put them across the hall to his room, and even though Joey didn't need to see them it was still hard being near them, no matter what they felt romantically.
Joey let his head fall against the wall with a soft groan. Why couldn't everything be simpler? Calmer? Why couldn't everything just be okay for once?
He observed a mating pair of birds, trilling too each other sweetly. He'd sung to Xornoth once too. Their voice had been too cracked and distorted for any sound resembling song to come out, but they always had loved hearing his songs. Usually whispered into the crook of their ear whilst they held each other, their head lying on his shoulder so that his horns didn't graze him.-
Didn't Joey come out here to avoid Xornoth? Or at least his thoughts about them. He failed that, didn't he?
Joey groaned more and buried his head in his hands. If only he could escape them, if only for just a few seconds.
-
Xornoth's dreams were becoming more and more garbled, to an unsettling degree. It was always memories of something, but they had been severely twisted. And what was in between was Aeor's unwavering form, stood high before them, telling them over and over what they should be doing, giving themself back to Exor. Everytime they refused it would get more vivid until they were certain that if they didn't say 'yes' they would never be able to leave until it shifted.
They remembered how their parents had dragged them and Scott to Aeor's church. Even as a child they thought it was strange why it was called a church; wasn't a church a place of a god who forgave and accepted everyone? It didn't make sense to them that the place of a god that was feared and didn't accept people for things they couldn't control would be allowed a church. It was like that, but worse.
Xornoth remembered being constantly told to pray and apologise to Aeor as often as they could for being Exor's chosen, and they remembered mother's disappointed look when they didn't do it for as long as she wanted. Sometimes she would lock them in a small, dark room and made them mumble 'sorrys' for what felt like hours on end until the word 'sorry' didn't have meaning anymore.
Aeor was like mother. The thought would have them cast out then, but they often speculated he didn't care about anyone - only what made him strong, only what made his reputation better. Yes, Aeor was more like their parents than Xornoth wanted to think about.
But the dreams continued into a confusing loop where they didn't know what was going on, each memory and event distorted until they didn't know whether it was real or not- until they woke up.
Xornoth shot their eyelids open with a shaking gasp, trying to scrape in air despite the tightness of their chest. Eventually, after a few coughs, their lungs expanded again and allowed them to actually breathe.
The next thing they noticed was, of course, how very Joey the room was.
Even without him in the room, it was obvious to know it was his. Plants and blossoms clung to pots and be vases, some carpet of Mezalean pattern splayed across the cold looking marble floor. And huge arched windows, providing a glimpse of the lush jungle outside. If they looked hard enough they could almost see the familiar emerald of Joey's eyes in the leaves.
Xornoth attempted to distract themselves, only to see the silky dark red fabric of the curtains that looked so similar to the dress shirt he had once worn on the rare occasion that he was fully clothed. They turned again, but the golden handle on the jungle wood drawer glinted in a way similar to his hair and the little flecks in his eyes.
They turned their gaze back to the floor. They loved Joey, but he couldn't love them back. Surely it was better if they tried to get over their still burning love for him sooner rather than later.
The marble floor was extraordinarily well polished, and it threw back a reflection of what they looked like. Xornoth stared at it. The last time they had seen their reflection was at Joel's, and that had to be... a couple of weeks ago. Time passed differently when you were alone and locked in a cell.
The Xornoth that stared back at them was almost entirely different to what they were used too. The antlers were... gone, completely, and probably wouldn't be coming back soon, if at all. Their skin was several shades too white, several shades too pale. Their hair had grown just a bit, and looked lighter and more purple than they remembered.
But strangest of all were their eyes. Their eyes were supposed to be a great big burning red, like a burning flame, only for it to appear closer to a glittering jewel. More amethyst than ruby, and of course, framed by enormous shadows that looked almost like bruises.
The dress Joel had given them was in tatters, ripped to shreds in the arms and the back. Maybe it would server well as a skirt, had not all the gold on the flowers been changed to red. It was a shame: it had been so nice atterall, but they couldn't sit around in it in much decency. But then again, did they really want to ask Joey for anything more?
The answer was no. Joey had given them too much already. Xornoth couldn't as for anything more from him, especially after all the things they had made him do.
They curled back into the blankets, ignoring the throbbing of their back and head and arms and everything else combined. With twitching fingers, they manoeuvred the blankets tighter around them. They were familiar, keeping in the texture that the majority of Joey's blankets had, but it didn't smell familiar at all.
It was strange. The room, now that they thought about it, was quite familiar, but not enough that they knew it.
Xornoth longed for a proper dense of familiarity in their life, a selfish desire to run around as children with Scott again, a selfish desire to just read Joel's extensive libraries for hours on end, a selfish desire to feel Joey's warm arms wrap around them and pull them in for another kiss. They supposed it was exactly that though, a selfish desire, not something that they would probably have again.
They wanted to be... whatever. They didn't really care, as long as Joey was with them. But Joey probably didn't want to be with them, so Xornoth would just settle for being able to find themself and be themself. Not that they deserved it; however many times they thought of it, the knowing they deserved differently rang through constantly, but they would really like the opportunity to be themself without any other defining factors.
(That didn't stop them dreaming about the way Joey tipped their chin up just the slightest to peck their lips, or the way his earring hung against their chest perfectly, but one could try and fool themselves.)
Xornoth continued to stare at the floor. It wasn't everyday they got to see themself.