PAP47
"It's okay to cry, Free..."
I bit my lips as I look away to avoid his eyes. I wonder, did I wake him up when I got up from our bed?
Dinala ko ang aking mata sa gilid ko at tumulala doon. My eyes watered until I felt a tear fall from it. I can feel Cell's stare at me, but my tears continued falling. Mahina akong tumawa at umiling.
"I was just thinking..." sabi ko at tumingin sa unahan muli. A tear fell from my eyes again. "Memories... don't last."
I didn't know how I ended up thinking like it while looking at our old portrait. I just know that it hurts in my chest... realizing that truth.
Simpleng tinuro ang larawang nasa unahan namin ngayon kung saan ako natulala ng mahabang minuto. "It has been there for a long time. I can see it a lot... kahit normal na araw lang, nakikita ko 'yan, nadadaanan. But you know... while looking at it right now, I realized that I don't remember their faces anymore..." My voice broke.
Ngayon ay kaya ko silang kilalanin dahil nakaharap ako sa picture nila. It tells me what they look like. But honestly... without it, I cannot visualize them in my mind anymore. Everything about them is already fading in my memory. All of them are just a blur. Their looks... their smiles, the sound of their voices, their laughs, the moments we shared together... their warmth... everything is already far away from me.
Maybe I didn't just move on... I just really forgot about them already. Today, I get reminded of them a lot, and it hurts just to think that even I... the last person who can remember them vividly... also can't recall who they are before.
"It must be natural... because you're still alive and they are not," Cell answered. It was harsh but very true.
"I don't wanna forgot our son..." ani ko kasabay ng pag-agos ng luha sa pisngi ko.
It will just be all the same. A part of being able to move forward is the fact that you'll have to leave them behind while you continue on your way. Ngayon, napagtanto ko na kapag mas lumalayo ka pala, kapag mas tumatagal na... hindi mo na sila matatanaw. You wouldn't see them... and even your memories won't show them to you anymore.
"I don't think I can move on. I don't wanna move on."
"It doesn't have to be today. But soon, you need to. We have to..."
Lumingon ako sa kanya. "Pero, Cell..."
"You won't forget about him," he declared strongly before he looked at me.
I shook my head. No... it's not. No matter how much love is left to me... it would just be the same as how I forgot about Mommy and Daddy, Aster, and Sage. It will just fade away, too. Lahat ay matatabunan din ng ibang ala-ala. Paano pa ngayon saglit na panahon lang naming nakasama ang anak namin?
I bet saying that I won't move on right now is just also something very absurd. Because time will still steal my memories from me.
Pwede bang hindi na lang muna tumakbo ang panahon?
"Listen, Free..." sabi niya at hinawakan ang dalawa kong braso upang iharap ako sa kanya. Tinaas ko ang tingin ko para tignan ang kanyang mukha. He raised his hand to hold my face and brush my tears softy away using his thumb.
"You just feel like you forgot about your family already because they are not on your mind all the time. But you still remember them. Why would you feel sad right now if you don't? You're right, our memories fade... that's why we don't only remember through our minds. We also keep it here..." he said, removing his hand on my face to point his forefinger near my chest.
Tumulo ang luha ko muli habang nakikinig sa kanya. I bow my head down and cried more. My shoulder started shaking because of how badly I wanna control myself from not crying but I also cannot help it. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit pa lalo ni Cell saakin hanggang sa balutin niya na ako ng yakap.
"We will remember him..." he said.
I held on to the edge of his shirt tightly. "I'm sorry..." I cried.
Ngayon lang tuluyang bumabagsak saakin ang lahat. Everything that I have witnessed through my eyes while I blankly stare at it... I am realizing it now. Wala na pala talaga. I cannot believe I am home again after what I went through... I am home... there's nothing to endure anymore, yet I don't feel anything but the pain in my heart.
"Don't say that. Remember? We did and gave our best... until the end."
I sobbed. Una pa lang may parte na saamin na nakakakitang ganito ang kahihinatnat ng lahat. I know we said that. Pero iba pa din kasi...
"I'm sorry..." ulit ko sa gitna ng mga hikbi ko.
He's gone... our baby's gone.
"Free."
I think it was my fate to be left by people like this. I feel so bad that I have dragged Cell in the series of my bad luck.
"Sorry..." That's the only thing that can come out of my lips. Because right now, I cannot even think of pushing him away nor know how I would be able to compensate for all the loss. He's the only one left to me. I need him...
Hindi na siya sumagot ngunit naramdaman ko ang mas paghigpit ng yakap niya saakin. Tinaas ko ang dalawang braso ko upang yumakap na pabalik.
Akala ko hindi na ako marunong umiyak. Losing my family was so painful and traumatizing for me to the point that after going through everything, I felt like I just made myself numb. I lost touch with some part of my emotions. I can recognize the pain, but I don't know how to judge. Maliit na sakit lang ba? Is it just enough? Is it too much? Is it the one that makes you cry? I don't know... because, from all the kinds of pain, I was forced to live with it. Lahat naman 'yan ay parte ng buhay. Kailangan ko palaging magpatuloy dahil ako lang naman ang meron ako.
But this...
After hearing about my son... after losing him... my heart just fell into pieces. It can't just be another pain. Ramdam na ramdam ko iyon. I feel so bad for everything. It was my responsibility to bring him safely into this world, yet I failed. He could have experienced more in this place. He could have lived longer. We could have welcomed many more days with him and created many memories together. I feel so sorry to Cell... and even to myself.
"Okay..." Cell whispered in my ear. "Okay... let's just feel sorry for everything. Hate everything and blame who we want to blame today. It's okay. And tomorrow, let's forgive. Forgive me, forgive yourself, forgive us..." his voice broke. Halata sa kanyang paraan ng pagsasalita ang sakit na kanina ay tinatago niya rin.
I nodded while crying and hugged him tighter. I wish that was easy. I just wish everything is that easy...
After that night, we came home to Manila. We decided to stay there for a while more because I still have follow-up hospital checkups. Katulad ng inaasahan, my condition really started to recover after giving birth. I don't know if there is something I need to be happy about it. Kapag kasi sumusulpot iyon sa isip ko, kasabay din noon ang pag-iisip na sana tiniis ko na lang.
Walang araw na hindi ko sinubukang maging mas mabuti para sa sarili ko at para kay Cell. I tried to welcome every passing day the way it was before. Pero sobrang hirap pa rin. Some part of me wants to get over the pain because I don't wanna get up every morning with heaviness in my heart, but a part of me also doesn't want that—because the pain reminds me that Cole existed even just for a short time.
"Wag muna kaya? 'Di ba nga sabi ni Cell, take your time muna!"
Umiling ako. Ang aking mga mata ay nakatutok pa rin sa mga gamit na nilalabas ko sa maletang dala ko. I just came home alone. Si Cell kasi ay nasa trabaho. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung makakasunod siya kaagad, but I am back in Cavite now.
"Tsaka ano ba 'yang ginagawa mo? Pwede ka na ba magbuhat ng mabigat?"
Mori is in the other line. Naka-video call kami habang nag-aayos ako ng gamit. She really calls frequently, especially these times. I know that she feels bad that she's not here. She's been saying sorry to me, which I think is not something she needs to apologize for.
"Hindi no! Hinila ko syempre!"
"Hinila sa second floor?"
"Pinabuhat ko paakyat!"
"May kasama ka umuwi? Akala ko ba nasa trabaho si Cell?"
"Cell's driver..."
"Aaah..."
Noong una akala ko tumatawag lang siya dahil nagu-guilty siya na wala siya dito para dumamay. But now, I just realized that it's not really just for me. Every time she talks about missing everything here, I can simply tell that she's homesick. May pagkakaparehas din kami. We're just like before, accompanying each other even if we're miles apart.
"Pero back on the topic, seryoso ba na babalik ka na agad sa trabaho?"
Huminga ako ng malalim. "Oo nga. Bored na ako. Imagine, sobrang haba rin ng bed rest ko noon."
"Is it okay?"
"Oo naman... bakit hindi?"
Bakit hindi? Wala naman akong anak na aalalagaan. I don't need to prolong my stay at home, doing nothing and torturing myself more. Kailangan ko ng gagawin. It's just also a way to take care of myself even if it sounds so wrong.
"Are you already okay?"
Natigil ako saglit dahil sa tanong niya. I swallowed a lump and look at my phone. Pilit ko iyong tinayo kanina gamit ang dalawang magkapatong na unan para sandalan noon.
"Ano naman kung hindi ako ayos?"
Her lips parted. Tumaas din ang dalawa niyang kilay na parang nabigla sa sinabi ko. Ilang segundo siyang tahimik. It's like she's also trying to understand my question.
"Syempre... hindi naman masamang paglaanan mo muna ng oras ang sarili mo. You need to be okay first..."
Umiling ako at minasahe saglit ang aking sentido. I resumed putting my clothes out of the luggage. "It's just not right to wait when will I be okay. Kailan pa 'yon? This is not just something that will go after a short wait. Tumatakbo ang oras..."
I keep on telling myself these days that I just have to do the same as what I did before. I just need to pull myself together. Hindi titigil ang mundo para saakin. Tuloy dapat palagi. That's how life works for everyone. I just cannot fool myself by saying it's okay not to be okay all the time. Oo, tama naman. Pero hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ayos lang? Especially if there wasn't any effort laid to become okay? It can't be forever.
This is my attempt to take my first step.
"Well... if Cell agrees..."
"Pumayag na."
I outsmarted him during our discussion about it. Hindi ko man gustong detalyadong ipaliwanag sa kanya kung bakit ko gusto na ulit magtrabaho dahil siguradong maapektuhan din siya ng damdamin ko, wala akong choice dahil hindi ko naman siya makukumbinsi kung hindi ko 'yon gagamitin.
"Sure ka ha? Wala na ako 'don!"
I chuckled. "Bakit naman hindi? Sino ka ba?" pabiro kong sagot sa kanya. I'm a little relieved that we're out of the heavy topic.
She gasped loudly. "The disrespect!"
Pinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aayos ko ng gamit habang kausap ko siya. I am most of the time out of the frame because I was walking around and putting my things in order. Wala namang reklamo si Mori. Nakikipagkwentuhan pa rin siya.
Natigilan ako saglit noong dumapo ang mga mata ko sa corner ng kwarto kung saan namin inilagay ang mga nabili naming pang-baby na gamit noon. We planned to convert a room here as a nursery before. Hindi nga lang natuloy dahil lumipat kami ng Manila. In there, the nursery room was already complete. Doon natuloy ang plano naming pag-aayos. Pero nitong mga nagdaang araw, I didn't even dare to set my foot inside that room. Ayokong makita kasi alam ko kung anong mararamdaman ko.
Katulad ngayon...
It's not a lot, but it was our first buy during the first months because we're just a bunch of excited parents-to-be.
"Free? Andyan ka pa ba?" Mori's voice from the video call woke me up from my deep thinking.
Ilang beses akong kumurap at umiling bago ako tumalikod at naglakad pabalik sa kama kung nasaan ang cellphone ko. Hinawakan ko iyon sa kamay ko.
"Tawag nalang ulit ako mamaya..." paalam ko.
Tumaas ang kilay niya saakin. "Actually, 'yon nga din ang sinasabi ko. 'Di ka nakikinig no?"
"Ah talaga ba?"
Mori's face contorted with disappointment. Mahina akong tumawa at umiling.
"Sige na. Next time na lang ulit."
"Okay! Bye, ingat!"
"Ikaw ang mag-ingat!" paalala ko. I maintained my smile while watching her wave her hand. Noong natapos ang tawag at nawala na si Mori sa screen ay unti-unti na ring nawala ang ang ngiti ko sa labi. I exited the app, turn off my wifi connection before I put my phone down.
Iniwan ko sa kama ang cellphone ko at naglakad ako pabalik sa corner kung nasaan ang mga gamit. I sat in ground in front of it. Una kong hinawakan ay ang paper bag na nasa unahan ko lang.
As I expected, it has baby clothes. Isa-isa ko 'yon kinuha para tignan. I even put it up in the air to stare at it. Noong una ay hindi ako makapaniwala na bumibili talaga kami ng ganito kaliliit na mga damit, pero ngayon, kung aalalahanin ko, my Cole is even smaller than these clothes are.
These are big for him! He's such a small baby. Tapos naalala ko pa na may mas malalaki pa kami dito na binili. Nasaan ba 'yon?
Binuksan ko ang iba pang paper bag na nakikita ko para hanapin and in the process of looking for it, I got hooked on looking at each clothes I hold one by one for long seconds before proceeding to another.
"Eto pala..." I chuckled to myself while holding a set of onesies with different colors. Iniisip namin noon, mabilis naman siyang lalaki kaya masusuot niya rin 'to agad. I really looked forward on seeing how cute he would look like wearing this to his sleep.
"Love—" I stopped immediately after I voiced out the endearment, I used to call Cole when he was still inside me. Right... I'm not pregnant anymore. And he's gone.
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa damit at dahan-dahan ko iyong binaba papunta sa kandungan ko. Huminga ako ng malalim at hinila ang ilang paperbag papalapit saakin para makita ko kung anong laman noon. I know I have to clean this up now... I need to see it so I could plan where I should store it. Wala namang gagamit ng mga ito.
Hindi ko namalayan na habang tinitignan ko isa-isa ang mga gamit ay tumutulo na ang luha ko. I sometimes hate it that from being unable to cry, I just became someone who's always crying. I cannot stop myself. Madalas nga ay katulad nito na hindi ko talaga napapansin.
I know... I know that I need to help myself be better. Kaya nga sinubukan ko palagi. Hindi pwedeng palagi akong ganito. Pero kasi... hindi ko talaga mapigilan lalo na tuwing bigla na lang itong sumusulpot sa isip ko at nakakakita ako ng mga bagay na nagpapaalala saakin kay Cole.
I was looking forward to all the things I will experience with him. I imagined what would it be like to watch him grow. He became the biggest part of me when I got pregnant with him. Hindi ko man siya nakikita noon ay palagi kong nararamdaman na magkasama kaming dalawa. I always feel like I'm the one most connected to him. He grew to me. I loved him that way...
I longed for the day I'll hold him in my arms... but when that happened, he was already... God, my baby...
Noong nakabawi ako sa nag-uumpaw kong damdamin ay muli kong inayos ang mga inilabas kong gamit pabalik sa mga paper bag nito. I just let my tears roll down on my cheeks from time to time. I just wipe it every time I feel like my cheeks is already too soaked by it.
Dinala ko ang lahat ng iyon sa kabilang kwarto. It will be safer if I won't see it a lot especially these days. It can trigger me too much. Noong matapos ko iyong isaayos ay saglit lang akong nagpahinga at bumalik na rin ako sa pag-aayos ko ng mga gamit ko sa kwarto. Nagkatanggap ako ng tawag kay Cell habang sinasalansan ko ang mga damit ko muli sa closet.
"What are you doing?"
"Nag-aayos ng gamit?"
"I see... did you sleep?"
"Hmm..." I answered. He probably concluded that I slept kasi ngayon lang ako nag-aayos ng mga gamit ko. Sumang-ayon na lang rin ako.
Wala akong narinig sa kanya ng ilang segundo ngunit rinig ko ang mahinang ingay sa background niya. I removed my phone in my ear and put it in a loudspeaker. Binitawan ko iyon sa kama para muli akong makagalaw.
"Are you driving?" I asked, considering the noise I can hear. Mukhang nasa daan siya.
"Yeah, the road is smooth today. It's nice."
Ngumiti ako. So... he called me for just absolutely nothing? Wala sa tono niya na may sasabihin.
"Are you busy? Makakasunod ka ba ngayon?" I asked.
"Why? Do you want something?"
Ngumuso ako at bumalik sa kama. I collected the last pile of my clothes in there. "Hindi naman. Gusto ko lang sabihin na kung masyado kang busy, okay lang naman kahit hindi ka muna umuwi."
I know that he has been showered with work since he came back. Ang tagal niya rin kasing hindi nagtrabaho. It's much more convenient for him to be in Manila. Ako lang naman ang gusto nang umuwi dito. I would be fine here alone...
I heard him click his tongue in the other line. "How was that? I'm on the way to you now."
Natigilan ako sa pagsasaayos ng damit ko sa closet saglit at lumingon sa likod na parang nandoon siya. Well, I just looked back on my phone because I was surprised.
"Dito? Ang aga pa ah!"
"I told you, I'll follow immediately."
"Aren't you busy?"
"Malapit na ko. There isn't much traffic today."
"Nagjo-joke ka ba?"
He chuckled. "Why would I?"
Napailing na lang ako dahil sa kanyang mga sagot. He's really so unpredictable, even to me. Tinanong niya kung may gusto akong pagkain. I wasn't craving anything, so I just told him to buy whatever he finds. Our call ended at the same time I was done fixing my things inside our room.
Nahiga ako sa kama at natulala sa kisame. I don't know what went into my mind but after long minutes of being blank, I remembered something unexpectedly.
Tumayo ako sa kama at naglakad papunta sa study table ko. I don't use it as much as how I do before when I was studying. Si Cell na ang madalas na gumagamit nito ngayon. It's filled with his things now. Naupo ako sa upuang nasa harap noon at binuksan ang pinakailalim na drawer na nasa gilid ng table. Dito ko tinago iyong mga gamit ko. It remains to be my zone in this table.
Kinuha ko doon ang notebook ko kung saan ko inilalagay noon ang mga petals ng bawat bulaklak na binibigay ni Cell saakin. There was one time before where I had the chance to stick it in the paper, that's why it looks organized. Iyon nga lang nasa bandang likod ay nakaipon lang at hindi ko pa naayos. Still, I was able to consistently keep a petal always.
All of it are dried now. I must be careful. I looked for the materials to stick the petals in the paper in the same drawer where I got the notebook. I made myself busy with it. It was kinda... refreshing. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko biglang nakuha ang pakiramdam na iyon pero magaan ang pakiramdam ko habang nag-aayos noon.
"What are you doing?"
I didn't look up. I was also not surprised that I'll hear Cell speak immediately. Narinig ko ang pagbubukas ng pinto kanina at alam kong siya ang dumating.
"Hmm... wala lang. Just keeping myself busy," I said and finally raise my head when I felt him near me. He crouched down to put a kiss on my forehead. Iniyakap ko ang isa kong braso sa kanyang bewang.
"Did you cry?" he asked after seeing my face. He looks blue about it. I know that my eyes still look swollen.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Ang bilis mo ah?"
He sighed, getting that I don't wanna talk about it. "I told you, malapit na ako," sagot niya at sumulyap pinagkakaabalahan ko. Lumingon din ako doon at tinanggal ko ang pagkakayakap ko sa bewang niya.
"Isn't that the petals you always collect every time I give you bouquets?"
Tumango ako sa kanya. Hindi na ako nagulat na alam niya 'yon. He has seen me so many times, getting a petal to keep it. Tsaka, it's basically his table now. He must have seen this notebook, too, somehow.
"Some of it are years old already. Did you really keep it all? Pati yung mga una kong binigay sa'yo?"
"Yup. Even the first-first one," sagot ko at binuklat ko sa unang page ng notebook para ipakita 'yon sa kanya. It stands out to me kaya hindi ko makalimutan. Madali din i-identify mula sa iba. Madalas kasi ay azaleas ang binibigay niya saakin. But this first petal... pinulot niya lang ito sa dinaanan namin noon!
"Naaalala mo ba?" tanong ko.
He chuckled and shook his head. Naalala niya siguro ang ginawa niya! "Yeah..."
Tumawa din ako kasabay niya.
"Why are you collecting it, though?"
Nagkibit balikat ako at muling binuklat ang pages ng notebook. I felt Cell's hand playing with my hair. "Just because..."
"I just feel like keeping the petal of flower you gave me. Dapat nga 'yon lang eh, tapos nasundan lang kasi bigay ka ng bigay. I ended up collecting it all."
"That's because you like flowers."
I raised both of my eyebrows.
"I compare myself to a petal," mahina kong sabi. I tried to recall if I ever mentioned this to him. Hindi pa ata?
"You did?"
Sumandal ako sa upuan ko at hinanap ang kanyang mata. I nodded and smiled.
"That day, Mommy said we're going to the paradise. You know what paradise that means, right?" kwento ko sa kanya. His face showed disapproval. He knows what I mean. Binago niya ang kanyang posisyon at sumandal siya sa table para makaharap ako.
"We're like a flower being offered to God's paradise. And I... I was this..." I said pointing to one of the petals in the notebook. "Someone that was taken out of the flower..."
He stared at me more. I smiled and proceeded to talk. "It was both a good and bad thing. I was left alone yet I remain. Sinasabi ko na lang palagi sa sarili ko, I'm not yet meant to decorate someone else's paradise..."
We stared at each other's eyes. Hindi na ulit ako nagsalita kaya nanatili ang katahimikan saaming dalawa. My baby would be very beautiful in that paradise, I'm sure. Mom and Dad choose to go because they believe there is no pain and hardships there. Siguro ay 'yon na lang din ang panghahawakan ko. He'll be good.
"You're not meant in that paradise," saad ni Cell at pinutol ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. He reached for my hand. "You're meant in mine. You're my petal..." he added, putting a kiss on the top of my wedding ring.
Mahina akong tumawa. He smiled at me. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinarap saakin upang ipakita ang pearl ring na nasa kamay ko na parang may pinapatunayan siya. "This is your place, Free. Next to me."
I smiled. Of course... of course.
And maybe Cole, too. Someday... he'll be meant for us, right?