School was supposed to start again tomorrow. My senior year was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to be excited to see my friends and happy to be almost done with that place, but I was dreading it. My birthday was in eight days. Eight days before I'd be a year older than Edward and a year further into this perpetual torture. It hurt my head to think that every year I would get older and somewhere in the world, Edward would still be beautiful Edward, unageing and unending. And in all those years, I'd never see him again.
Time would turn and I would die, but he would go on forever. That hurt me more than anything. I didn't know why, but his presence, his very existence made me so hyper aware of my own mortality. Before him, I'd never thought much about aging. Before him, I'd have been excited to turn eighteen, to be able to vote, to go to college, but he twisted those rites of passage into a curse. Every year, I'd be further from him, and I didn't know how I was going to move on from that.
I spent the last month wandering the woods. When I wasn't with Jacob, riding or spending time at La Push, I was hiking through the woods, trying to orient myself in all those trees. I went back to the place Edward told me what he was and stole my heart. The woods just beyond the school were like a sacred place to me. It felt darker there now, and when there was sun, that break in the trees where the light streamed through didn't feel as warm. I spent hours there in the cold, wishing I wasn't alone, knowing I'd never be able to bring anyone else here.
In all honesty, I didn't know what I was really doing there. I knew I wouldn't find Edward no matter where I looked. But after what he'd said to me, I needed to know these woods, to be at home in them again like I was when I was a child. I needed to know that these woods would take care of me when nothing anyone else could do would suffice.
Charlie had told me to avoid the woods. All the time I was here, he thought I was with Jacob at the res, and I didn't care to tell him the truth. There was still talk about those people who were killed in Port Angeles. He was worried about mountain lions or wolves or any wild animal he was convinced would rip me to shreds. I didn't give the mountain lions a second thought. If I was killed here, so be it. At least I would be in this forest for the rest of time. It felt, sometimes, that this forest was where I had always belonged.
As I wandered today, however, I searched out to get lost. I'd been able to find my way home every time I hiked through these woods, but today, with school hanging over me, I wanted to get lost in these woods for days. I wanted them to send out search parties for me. I wanted them to comb these woods and never find me. As I climbed steep inclines, using branches for support, I wanted to never leave these woods and I didn't know if it was because I had gone crazy or if I was just done. To never turn eighteen would have been the best ending for me, to stay safe and sound in childhood forever.
At the top of another steep hill, I pushed through the brush once more and found a clearing, so wide the sun cast down on it, filling the green of the long grasses and the bright yellow and white wildflowers with such light that it seemed to leave an effervescent glow. I stepped forward slow, feeling the grasses rise up to my knees in some places.
I breathed in, the smell of flowers permeating this place and felt for a moment, at peace. The world was in bloom here in a way I had not seen, or maybe, I just hadn't paid attention to any of it. This place, so alive, growing, and changing was perhaps a sign to me. I hadn't spared much thought to the trees around me and thought only of the moss eating away at them, this meadow was filled with so much life it was overwhelming.
Relief fell over me, warming my hardened spirit. I wanted to lay down there for a moment and feel the way the grass grew around me, but it became very obvious as I ran my hands through the reeds that I wasn't alone here. There was a rustling in the grass that could have been birds, but as I took a patient step towards it, I became sure it wasn't birds, but a much larger animal.
I'd been hiking these woods for a while. I wasn't stupid and I didn't come unprepared. I kept my Dad's hunting knife with me whenever I went into the woods. It hadn't helped me much when it came to Edward, but in the end, I hadn't really needed it. Now I was thinking about the mountain lion attacks I'd heard about last month.
It wasn't a mountain lion.
"Show yourself," I snapped, my voice breaking through the silence. "I know you're there."
For a long time, the meadow was silent, and I thought I had been wrong. I felt madly alone, like I had been alone all summer, and I'd been kidding myself into thinking I wasn't. Sometimes, like now, all that time with Jacob didn't feel real. The numbness never lasted though.
As soon as I'd tricked myself into believing I was paranoid, the grasses parted and a man rose from the meadow, like a shark fin rising from under the water. He was pale man, dressed well in a vest and tie. His face was sallow and narrow, with full lips that parted just slightly to show white teeth beyond. Behind his thick blond hair that fell far past his ears and around his face, his eyes pierced into me, his gaze hard and vicious. I could just see the tendrils of ink in his deadened skin as the sun shone onto him. I had been right, but as I looked at the stranger, I wished I had been wrong.
"I know what you are," I said. He was close enough and we were deep enough in the grass that he could catch me easily. This wasn't Edward or one of the Cullens. It was very likely by the look on his face that I was just a snack to him.
"You do, now do you?" the man said. He laughed. His mouth opened wide to show his fangs as he threw his head back. "Then you'll die a clever woman."
"Wait," I said. The hunting knife was on my belt, hidden under my jacket. I breathed in as if it would be my last breath. I had nothing to barter, just the hope that this man could feel what it was to love. "I wanted to ask you a question."
He folded his hands like a proper gentleman and waited for me to continue. I supposed he thought he would get his meal anyway. My hands were sweating like crazy. I held my chin up high like I could stand over him, like I had a chance.
"Turn me," I said. "I want to be a vampire."
He narrowed his eyes in confusion as he watched me, sizing me up. I was still a meal, but a curious one now. "And why do you want to be a vampire? What do you know of us that makes you so inclined?"
I took a step back and he took a step forward, keeping our distance the same. There was no way I was getting out of his path, but in all honesty, I didn't want to quite yet. My head was buzzing with intensity, and I could feel something. Warmth or fire or fear, all of it surged within me and God, it felt like Edward.
"I had a boyfriend," I said, but that word didn't feel like it covered it. I loved Edward with such ferocity that it killed me every day to be without him, and it killed me every day to be with him. "He's a vampire, but we couldn't be together."
The man kept looking at me like I was crazy. "Go on," he said. His curiosity had peaked.
"We were together, but he had to leave. People would start to notice," I explained. "I couldn't go with him, but if I was a vampire, I could find him again. We could be together. I love him more than anything."
"Your lover," the vampire said, "he left you here all alone."
I nodded. "For my safety, but if I was a vampire—"
"I'll stop you there," the vampire said. He raised a finger in the air. "If he left you here, he doesn't love you."
I opened my mouth to argue, but he was right. Edward had said as much. He had told me he never loved me at all. I'd tried to avoid thinking of that part. I wanted to believe it was all a lie and that he'd take me back in a heartbeat when I came back to him, but the man before me was right and I already knew it.
"If he loved you, he'd have turned you," the man said. "He'd have taken you with him."
He'd have dragged me across the world with him to keep me in his life. I rationalized it a million ways. If he took me with him, my Dad would come looking for me. I'd be a missing person on milk cartons and in shop windows. Edward must have known it would break his heart, but it wouldn't have mattered when I was with Edward. I would have forgotten Charlie in an instant to run away with him. I told myself Edward had done it to stop me from breaking Charlie's heart, but my mind always returned to the honest look in his eyes when he told me he never loved me.
"I don't care," I spat. I didn't care if Edward never wanted to see me again. I'd chase him to the ends of the earth. I shouldn't have thought that way. I should have gotten over him, but he clung to my head like a leech. He could suck my blood even as far away as he was.
"Then you are a fool," the vampire said. "And I will enjoy killing you."
I unbuckled the strap holding the hunting knife in place and pressed the handle into my palm. It wouldn't kill him, but it might hurt him. He lunged at me before I could draw the blade out, and I was quickly slammed onto the ground, fumbling as his hands came around my throat. I clawed at his fingers, trying to break his grip, but his skin was like stone affixed to me.
My vision started to go cloudy as I struggled and choked. His fingertips clawed into my skin harder and harder the more I fought. Nothing I could do would stop this and I realized vaguely that I was going to die. It was all I could do. I'd pled my case and told him what I wanted, but he'd gone for the throat, just like I should have known him to do.
A tear escaped my eye, falling down the side of my face and into my ear. I wished this wasn't it. I wished my Dad wouldn't find me here, but he probably would. I could just barely imagine his face as the world started to go dark. I was going to get my wish and die in these woods. It should have felt like a blessing, but all I could feel was terror.
And then, the vampire's weight released. Air filled my lungs as I breathed in finding no sharp fingers to obstruct my airways. The man was flung from me and without his weight pressing into me, I sat up and coughed, searching for the man and whoever it was who saved me.
At first, I thought it was Edward. I was sure he'd returned to keep me safe like he always did. I searched for him with my limited and blurry vision, but instead found fur and a low rumbling growl. As I looked up, there was a wolf standing over the vampire, its paw clamped down hard on the man's chest. The wolf snarled at the man, low and vicious.
I scrambled back at the sight of the creature, so large and imposing that I was sure it would open its mouth and swallow the vampire's head whole. If I was smart, I would have already started running, but I laid frozen, leaned back against my elbows as I watched the wolf before me.
It was a deep brown and noble furred creature with piercing brown eyes that bore into the vampire on the ground as it held him there. I didn't know why, but I expected its eyes to be glowing yellow or blood red. Those brown eyes didn't look merciless or vicious. They looked so intelligent, like this wolf knew what it was doing. It had seen a fight and rushed to rescue me.
For a moment there was calm as the vampire scrambled to get free, but as the wolf bit down, my eyes filled with red. The sound that came from the vampire's mouth was bloodcurdling and filled with deadly anguish. It was cut short by the wolf cracking its teeth together through the vampire's throat. Black, sticky ichor spurted out onto the wolf's face, drenching its maw in the venomous blood of its enemy.
I wanted to scream and maybe I was screaming, but I couldn't hear anything anymore. The wolf ripped into the vampire's face, tearing his head from his shoulders. I didn't hear the sound of the head coming loose, but I felt it thud in my heart. The head rolled through the grass and stopped just at my feet, the thin face of the man now drenched in his own ichor. His eyes were still open, black and dead.
For a moment, I was still, and then the vampire blinked at me, slow and emotionless as he died. I screamed, scrambling back as tears escaped my eyes. Everything in me jolted awake and I bolted, running on hands and feet until I could manage to pick myself up. I ran, not knowing where I was going, just knowing I had to get out of here.
I hadn't paid any attention to the wolf. If it was after me now, I wasn't planning to turn around and find out. Instead, I left the meadow behind and rushed back toward home, pushing past branches and scratching up my arms as I did. The world was blurry, but when I closed my eyes all I could see was that headless vampire, blinking up at me like he had something left to say.
I didn't know how long I ran for. Everything was spinning by the time I collapsed in my backyard, finding soft grass that still needed to be mowed and warm, unobstructed sunlight. I laid there for a long time, imagining I was dead, imagining vampire bites and venom. When I finally sat up, I was still as discombobulated as when I had dropped.
I wrapped my arms around myself and as I looked down, I found a splatter of black on my boots. It crawled up to my socks, staining them in the blackened blood of the vampire. At the sight of it, a feeling, like bugs crawling up my legs overwhelmed me. Panicked, I ripped the shoes off and then the socks, tossing them to the edge of the yard. Quick, shallow breaths filled my lungs as I stared across to where they laid near the roots of the nearest tree.
The vampire was dead, and I was safe. The wolf was nowhere in sight, and I got the feeling as I stared at that biggest splotch of black that it had been there to protect me. Just like the black wolf who had followed me last year, this one had come to my aid. I should have been thankful. Instead, I was just terrified.
((Trigger Warnings: Suicidal ideation, blood, gore, character death))